I think I've failed to help my 9yo grow up, please help.

[freshstart24]

I have an almost 10yo DS. He is a lovely sunny happy boy, but isn't very mature for his age. Until now I've felt that this is ok because I thought there is really no rush to grow up, and I guess I'm guilty of unknowingly encouraging him to stay immature.

For example, he isn't bothered about how he looks, his hair cut or what he wears; he loves teddies and cuddles and chats to them; he shows no interest in becoming more independent and has to be nagged to clean up after himself and remember things; he is very cuddly; he talks in a baby voice quite often; he is very sensitive.

I recently helped on a school trip and was struck by the difference in his peers. I felt like a bad parent as he was possibly the only boy without deodorant or hair gel. His room mates realised his attachment to his teddy and used this to upset him- causing him to be in tears which made things very tricky for me as he really wanted me to comfort him- but I felt this would open him up to further torment.

I feel like I have failed to help him grow up as he should. I've looked at my parenting through fresh eyes and wonder if subconsciously I don't want him to grow up too fast, so have ended up making him immature and ill equipped to deal with his peers. Everyone is different but my feelings on fashionable hairstyles and trendy clothes on kids is that they look a bit strange and overdone- but I think I've been wrong about this now.

Part of me feels I should embrace him as he is, and not make him feel rubbish for his immaturity. Another part of me feels I should help him mature.

I don't really know where to start in helping him grow up and be less childish.

Please, any thoughts or ideas would be much appreciated.

Whereas I'm very close to my parents despite the fact I used to walk to school on my own by your sons age and even go to town with my friends alone.
How about sending him on a solo cinema trip with a friend (dropping him at entrance and picking him up after).
I would get his hair cut too - it's not fair to make him stand out too much at this age

I'm just like you. DS 10 wants me to do everything, when his dad's not home. Have recently started just telling him to get dressed and then walking away. He walked to school by himself 2 days ago because he asked to. I quite like chatting on way to school. After school 3 other parents pick their kids up. Can see a difference already with his stress and anxiety reducing.

And you haven't failed - it seems like your son 100% knows you love him and TBH this is all that really matters

Ok, I am sure you have not 'failed' him!

Growing up is not about hair gel or fashion, it is about becoming , gradually, safely, more independent.

You may have inadvertently remained attached, in a nostalgic sort of way, to the idea of you and your small boy.

If you talk a lot, affectionately, about when he was a baby / toddler etc, remember to also let him know you are proud of him for new achievements, and be enthusiastic for any of his plans for when he is grown up.

Can he join cubs?
Scouts at 10. Scouts is brilliant for giving them self assuredness and independence.
Teach him things 'casually': if you are going somewhere by bus, look at the bus stop sign, ask him which bus you should get, ask him to tell you when the right bus comes, and where to get off.

Take him shopping, ask him to be the price checker: look on the shelves at the small print and check you are getting the cheapest per 100g or whatever.

Let him walk very short local trips alone.

My DD is about to turn 9 and she's like this...though she does nip to the park nearby with her friend, but she still likes help after baths and cuddles etc.

DD was scared about growing up and would retreat into her imaginary world. She had coordination problems and found school hard so that was her way of coping. We dealt with it gently and at just turned 18 she is the most independent of her friends having spent the last six months living abroad plus doing a solo trip to a language schoo, in Asia after her GCSE's. So don't worry, this can all come good but you are right to address it now.

Think you're a bit unlucky with his peer group, DS did wear deodorant at 9 otherwise he was stinky but none of them worse hair gel at that age. I'd just keep up with encouraging an independent washing regime and regular haircuts for now then introduce deodorant when needed.

Great age to start independent trips. Our library was close by with only one road to cross so they did that. Went a bit pear shaped with DD as a lady at the bus stop looked at her and said 'does your Mummy know you are here?' as she was a tiny not quite 9 year old but she did do it.

Agree with those who mentioned Cubs, this was brilliant for DS and he learned all sorts of skills there. I remember a teddy was on the essential list for PGL

I think this is around the age that boys look to male influences more so great there is a good one in the family. We found with DD we just introduced things gently, consistently, without making a deal out of it and she gradually grew in confidence. Choice of school played a big part for her I think though and she didn't go to our local Upper School with the rest of her cohort as she was bullied in year 7 and with hindsight we should have moved her then.

I think you're doing fine o/p.

His level of independence sound similar to mine. Very few kids walk themselves to school here until yr 6. Mine is left alone in the house up to an hour, but won't be allowed out by themselves for a while yet- busy roads.

Neither of mine, 9 and 12, have any interest in fashion or haircuts beyond what they like.

I think re the teddies/deodorant, some kids like to play grown up, and then the peer pressure filters down. Some parents don't keep it appropriate either- i've just started teaching a dance class in a new area and it seems the norm for 5 year olds up to be wearing crop tops or even bras under their leotards. I don't get the rush.

On my oldest's yr 6 school journey they actually covered bringing teddies, said lots found it a comfort, it was normal, just nothing that would be disastrous if lost! On the day all the staff had their teddies too, so no one could comment about it being babyish. I would say the nasty room mates comments are bullying, not your son's immaturity.

Is long as the basics are covered, he can dress, clean and look after himself, there's no need to wish puberty on a child.

My strapping 47 year old son, father of 4, was such a worry to me as a child . he was a prem baby and was always so much smaller and thinner than his peers. He suffered greatly from Social anxiety.
My DH and I both have strong personalities and realised quite soon that are first born was shy and sensitive and so unlike us I.Whereas other children were racing the streets on their bikes he was happier playing at home. As a teen he had one or two close friends, never had teen tantrums or the like.

He matured in his own time. I think all you can do is support him without trying to change him. Interestingly,his 2 eldest children, now teenagers, are very quiet and sensitive home-bodies. The youngest two, absolute firebrands.

I have a 9yo DS. He's quite a sensitive kid, still likes to hold my hand at times, into computers and dinosaurs. He has no interest in hair or clothes- I struggle to get him out of trackie bottoms he's had on for a week! He has always been a bit of a mummy's boy too, but a couple of years ago I joined him up to the local rugby club, and it has been great for him. He's in a great little team, and has become more confident. Sometimes I have to drag him off the xbox kicking and screaming, but he always seems to really enjoy it when he gets there. I take him to all the games, so he likes to impress me! It also gives us some rare alone time in the car on the way (his 2 big sisters usually drown him out!)

Your boy sounds lovely. I hate that children are getting so precocious nowadays- in my 12 year old dd's class they are all already obsessing with boys, suffering from anxiety and depression, and gender- confused. I seem to remember life being so much lighter when I was 12. My dd is one of the "young" ones, and I am very glad!

Boys mature at vastly different speeds. Some of his hair-gelled peers are probably about to hit puberty in school year 6. Others may not reach this stage until year 9 or later. Your son sounds happy so you've done a great job. With just a few tweaks and giving him more independence he will grow up at his own pace. Cooking is a great idea. And joining non-threatening clubs related to his own interests.

You haven't failed him. It's greAt that you are being introspective and noticing it.

I have a BIl who's parents coddled him. Like a PP said they didn't let him run, scrape knees, cook for himself (nut allergy) or teach him any independence. When he moved out he was hopeless and actually became quite depressed at his lack of ability to 'live' (this was when he was 28) .

so I think that you should try to encourage independence but don't worry too much as you've noticed it this early and you can make a difference!

DD is 9 nearly 10 and sounds a lot like your son. She is not very keen on growing up

It's probably more acceptable for a girl than a boy and btw she has a younger sibling so stop beating yourself up on that.

DD still likes Barbies and plays with hers. I really didn't think that was inappropriate at age 9 but a lot of her friends don't now. She has millions of teddies but they all do.

She has an interest in clothes and how she looks but has since she was 2! She tells me that some of the other girls have high heeled boots and make up and I have said no to those. Plenty of other parents definitely feel the same on that one. She certainly doesn't have or need deodorant.

The thing that struck me as similar is that DD would still like me to dry her after her bath and have a cuddle in PJs. She sees me do this for much younger DS and feels jealous if I don't do it for her. It used to extend to dressing and putting shoes on but she has given up on that now. I try to discourage drying her but I still sit her on my lap for a cuddle although she is too big really. I see no harm at all in that.

She puts clothes away, changes her bed and is supposed to tidy her room. She will set the table and load the dishwasher and she loves to help cook. She has always been very shy so paying for stuff in shops etc I can't get her to do. She will walk to local friends houses, corner shop and dance class on her own. She could probably walk to school but I have to take DS anyway. Sometimes she'll go on ahead if he's having a strop.

I don't worry too much about DD and that's mainly because she has lots of good friends who are similar. Their parents have become my friends over the years and talking to them helps me feel confident that we're not getting it wrong.

I think
It's not because he's an only
It's probably just him and just fine
you and Ds just need to find your tribe

My dd3 is 9. She is the size of a 12 year old but emotionally immature compared to her peers. She plays with teddies ( quite complicated plots) but a lot of her play is pretending to have young sublings. I got her playmobil for Xmas. At school she plays with her peers and does brownies and gym. But at home she can be what she wants. Maybe if us adults played more we would be happier

You absolutely have not failed at all. I think a lot of DC do grow up too fast these days. You are right to be pulling your DS up on the baby voice, and encouraging him to do some chores, and dress etc independently. As far as the hair gel/trendy clothes, that is not a sign of being grown up, it is a sign of being a sheep, which I would not encourage. You can be grown up, and be an individual.

I think about 9 or 10 is the age that most DC are old enough to start thinking about going places alone, but like everything it is going to vary. If your DS is not quite there yet, then there is no rush. If he is still not going anywhere alone in a couple more years then you may have a problem, but I doubt that will be the case. There is a lot to be said for letting them enjoy being a child. Like most things it is all about balance.

He sounds like my 8 year old.
In some senses he's much more mature but in others his desire for independence is zero.
Luckily he has a group of friends who are similar.

I figure it will come at some point, I give the opportunity for it and if he's comfortable he'll accept. This thread is making me question if I should push it though.

Cubs /scouts has been really good for confidence and friendship building. It's good to have something that makes you realise there's people outside of school without the same set views.

Crossing the road is something you have to actively teach. Show him how to find the best place to cross.

Sometimes, if there is no crossing, you have to walk to the edge of parked cars to check for traffic so teach him how to do that safely. And to make sure the parked cars are empty and not about to move.

Explain to him why junctions without designated crossing are not the best place to cross and then take him out and practise at different times of the day.

When you think he's ready to judge by himself, cross with him but let him be the one to say 'go'. If he can do this safely he is ready to start crossing roads on his own. Go with him the first few times and watch.

My 9dd is exactly the same. Young for her age in every way you describe.

I do keep an eye on what her peers are doing and take steps to allow her to be the "same" should she wish but I don't force it on her. This includes:

• giving her body spray
• buying her crop tops

This allows her to dip in and out of the growing up process as she likes. Sometimes she'll use/wear them and other times she isn't interested. But ultimately, she is just a little girl who loves her teddies and that's ok too

You seem to have a lovely relationship but I'm sorry I'm going to disagree a bit. Your son is being bullied by his peers, I do think you need to do more to help him fit in with social norms within his peer group or you are really sending him out under prepared for normal interaction. It's all well and good people saying enjoy him..... thats fine until he is reduced to tears by his peers. They are coming to an age where they will be off to secondary school and 'personalities' and 'nicknames' and pecking orders stick ..... having a miserable time through secondary school would really be scarring. ... and yes could lead to him suffering social anxiety.

Yep we all hark back to a golden time when 'kids were kids' but in reality its hopeless to expect all of society to regress to that golden age.

I would start giving him more independence in his own hygiene, also maybe go online with him on some kids fashion retailers.... gap, H&M, zara and have a look at some of the styles - see if he woud like to pick out his own outfit. I am NOT saying turn him into an entitled SUPERBRAT fashion-diva, but one nice new outfit may help him feel good about himself.....he may be feeling a bit down after his recent experience.

Are there any very small outings he could make independently in the coming weeks, maybe running a small errand to a store or a postbox (even if you are parked in the car watching)

Does he have many friends? could he join a class - like martial arts, or some sort of weekend club?

I think DianaMitford has the right approach / balance here. You cant force it...but to say 'ignore it and keep enjoying him' is really not in his best interests. It is part of parenting to help them progress.

You havn't failed your son you just didn"t realise you might have been babying him slightly but it has been a lightbulb moment for you and you can change
, the baby voice has to go just ignore it a few years ago it was cute now it is just annoying but he is using it to get round you just say stop that orignore it. I think if he was agirl not 1 kid would have teased him about his teddy on the trip when dds went on residentials all the girls had teddies I bet the boys who teased him have them at home. Give him some independence and he will get there. I wouldn't worry about deodorant or hair stuff parents usually start styling the boys hair at first,

I would definitely stop the baby voice - don't you find that annoying?

Oh I hate baby voices. If children speak to me in a silly, little voice I just tell them to speak properly please as I cannot understand them.

"His room mates realised his attachment to his teddy and used this to upset him"

Gosh that's bad, and there's a really simple solution for the organisers.

Everyone is invited to bring one soft toy, stated as rule of the residential. imho, everyone brings something & enjoys showing it off & giving it cuddles or pride of place on their pillow. Even 11-12yr old football mad boys & skulking spotty 14-15yo military cadets will do this.

He is almost 10 so is in y5.

I think you should take a long view on this - where does he need to be before secondary, and what steps are needed to get him there.

So for example, how will he travel there, will he be alone in the house when coming home, he will have friends a bit further away and won't want Mum to collect him, organising school work. Also not being a target to be mocked.

On the other hand, there are things that would be 'acceptable' amongst a similar group of friends, eg not being so interested in clothes.

I remember when DD2 was in y5. I said to her teacher I thought she was immature. Teacher said she thought she was just how she should be, and it was some of the other girls who were too grown-up.

It is a definite balance, to help them grow up, to make sure they are confident, to help them not be picked on, but most of all to let them be their own person.

I really wouldn't be caving in to the deodorant and hair gel at 9 Ridiculous. None of my 9yo ds2's peers are into that. I do understand about a minimum of fitting in, but I think there's a line to be walked between enabling that and going down routes that aren't good. We are extremely conservative wrt tech access for our boys (11 and 9yo) compared to their peers, and I know they often feel a bit out of step, but it doesn't seem to have actively harmed their social standing, and for me the risks are just too great. Likewise (if not on the same level), I wouldn't be wanting to send my 9yo or indeed my very pre-puberty 11yo the message that hair gel and deodorant are requisite at their age.

My 9yos is also emotionally young for his age (I am reluctant to throw around terms like 'immature' when we are talking about 9yos!) but practically very independent, and I think it's a separate issue - the two issues happen to coexist/converge in your ds. Some independence can only help him feel better about himself and his capabilities. My 9yo walks to/from school alone or with classmates (about 7 min round the corner, no roads to cross but I would be happy with crossing a road where there was a crossing), rides his bike (on the pavement) a couple of streets away to the baker to buy bread/rolls, stays home alone for half an hour or so, or up to about 1.5h with his 11yo brother. We are not in the UK but I am considered at the overprotective end of the spectrum round here - there are kids his age and younger doing more. Showering and personal care he's been doing for ages tbh, and he puts his own clothes out in the evening for the next day (on his own initiative - we don't insist on this). He'll feed the cats, hoover, empty the dishwasher, little jobs like that.

I am LP of a boy 9.

He does the baby voice..It irritated the hell out me. I refuse to acknowledge a word he says in that voice.

I find he sometimes find he needs a push, He is lazy and would let me wash him. feed him I am sure.

I push him to watch films he wouldn't might find a bit nervy.

He also doesn't go to the shops it is too far away, he does play on the street though.

He does have his own jobs feed pet, take rubbish out.

My DS would make breakfast for himself but it takes too long on a school day.

As for Teddies my DS has lots of teddies , although he doesn't take them to camp anymore.

Do you ask him how he wants his hair done. My Ds now is intersted in clothes.I do ask his opinion but I it might not be from a whole website.

I will also say I thought my DS was not bothered about trainers till he had a pair of addidas and then he was in love with them. I think he didn't want to ask .