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Original poster

Crying Baby v Mother in Law

40 replies

LEMONADEGIRL · 12/02/2007 08:43

Morning,

Just wanted some opinions / advice on a tricky dilemma. On several occasions my ds has started to become upset while being held by mil. I have sat watching while mil tried to comfort him. The difficulty is that every part of me wants to take him off her, as his mother and comfort him. However mil is a very sensitive woman and takes his crying as that he does not like her, which sil has mentioned. How long should I let my son continue to cry v my mil delicate feelings. He is 16 weeks by the way and we have already had issues regarding my not weaning him yet.

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LoveMyGirls · 12/02/2007 08:50

Humm tis tricky, i would let them develop a relationship i know it's hard to see him crying but he has to get used to her if they are to have a good relationship, she has raised children before so i wouldn't be too concerned, does she wear glasses? some children don't like glasses or beards? (not suggesting your mil has a beard btw)

Could you leave him with her for a couple of hours, while you sleep, get your hair done go shopping? They can get used to each other and you can get space and you don't have to watch. I know this sounds like an odd suggestion btw.

Crying won't actually hurt him think of it as him talking. He could be saying...

I don't like the shiny things round your eyes they are scary or you smell of lavender....etc

bran · 12/02/2007 08:53

Does she smell? I don't necessarily mean body odour. Babies sometimes react to a smell that they don't like, eg perfume, smoke etc. If that's the case perhaps you could say that you've noticed that your ds cries when held by 'people' (ie not just her) who smell of xxx. I think perfume is especially bad because most people apply it to the neck so the baby tends to be quite clost to the source of the smell when being held.

bran · 12/02/2007 08:55

Oh, and just say "Thanks for the advice, I'll bear that in mind" and don't discuss any further when she brings up weaning. You do it at your own pace, you know what's best for your ds.

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colditz · 12/02/2007 08:55

If you want to take him off her do so. he's your baby. And she needs to get over the fact that babies cry, sometimes they cry at specific people, but it doesn't mean they don't like you.

DetentionGrrrl · 12/02/2007 08:57

my best mate wears far too much perfume, and DS wriggles to get down from her arms.

And as people have said, your baby, if you don't want them crying in her arms, take them back.

liath · 12/02/2007 09:03

Tricky! Dd would cry with MIL too as she didn't see her much and MIL is not a natural with babies at all. MIL then did the "she doesn't like me" thing. It got better the older dd got - last time MIL was up (dd 22 months) she was happy to go and play with her but still nowhere near as comfortable as she is with my mum, who she sees a lot more of and who is a far more warm, maternal person.

I couldn't take the crying for long and would take dd back & just say to MIL that she'd get better the older she got & the more she saw of MIL.

Original poster

LEMONADEGIRL · 12/02/2007 09:19

thanks all for comments, lol at mil with beard!

Mil does wear glasses/ perfume which if he cries again i will gently mention.

i have been taking him to see her once a week so far, and hand him over as soon as he wakes,we usually also see them once over weekend also. i also express milk so she can feed him.
if im honest half problem in my opinion is that she loves babies so much she cannot get to grips that he doesn't want her more than me - of course if my dh was to read that comment he would call me paranoid.... however when she calls him my baby.... and even sil picks her up on that!!!

OP posts:

wanderingstar · 12/02/2007 10:00

Grannies can get a bit like this imo...
I just hope I'll retain enough insight and memory into how it is for a new mother, for me not to fall into this overpossessive way of behaving if/when I have grandchildren. At the moment I can't believe I'll ever forget the overwhelming mutual need for a tiny baby and a mother to be together when baby is upset.

My mil pissed me off mightily when ds1 was small by calling him her baby, using his middle name (she much preferred it) rather than his first name to him and to all her friends. Also when he cried she'd insist on continuing to hold him, when he dribbled a little she had the irritating habit of wiping right close to his mouth with her fingers (pointless), she'd put him in her blankets when we visited, and generally was very fussy and sensitive. For example if he wouldn't settle when she held him she'd eventually give up and say "Mummy's boy", or "Crybaby" or "you are so clingy and antisocial"...

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH

KezzaG · 12/02/2007 10:09

For me, the urge to take my baby back of anyone if he cried was too much to ignore. I have seen this quite often with mums and newborns, and almost every time the mum has looked twitchy and quite obviously wants the crying baby back, but I think people want to be the one to soothe then as some kind of sign of love.

I will be much more vocal 2nd time around and just say it is impossible for me to hear my lo crying and not give him/her a cuddle, and then take them back.

And my mum calls ds her boy, it drives me mad!

WinkyWinkola · 12/02/2007 10:15

Your baby is very young but he knows that he wants his mum or someone else more familiar to him. It's a wee bit much to expect him to warm to someone when he's just a tiddler!

I couldn't bear it if my child was upset when someone else was holding him. Surely the important thing here is to comfort the child and if your MIL doesn't seem to be able to do so, then you're fine taking him back, saying, "Aw, he just wants his mum," with a smile.

I agree with KezzaG. Babies need to be with their mums esp. when so small. Sorry but it's just tough on granny. You can't pussyfoot around that much when you've got a small child to look after. It sounds like you're exceptionally considerate anyway with expressing milk and seeing her pretty often as it is.

Original poster

LEMONADEGIRL · 12/02/2007 11:18

Hi, thanks for all your comments. I agree with you ws, I too will try to remember the feelings of the child/ mother if I ever become a grandparent.

I don't think it helps that he is first grandchild- which i appreciate but i do not think she appreciates he is my first child.

Grandparents - what a minefield!

OP posts:

Wags · 12/02/2007 11:31

Its, so difficult isn't it. Both of mine were very clingy babies and at that age would usually scream if anyone else held them. MIL doesn't live nearby so that made things worse, but I was really lucky as MIL wasn't to fussed, she just laughed and would hand them back, knowing that in time it would all be OK. Mine both adore her, especially DD who can now speak to her a lot on the phone which MIL loves. Could you suggest that maybe MIL holds your DS slightly differently instead of maybe cuddling him and staring into his face, hold him over her arm sort of tummy down so he can see you but is still being held by her and rock him slightly. If ever I have to hold someones crying baby if perhaps they are doing something and can't take them back this has worked.

Original poster

LEMONADEGIRL · 12/02/2007 11:46

thanks wags, mil tries to cuddle baby like a newborn, but he prefers to be looking around room, on several occasions, when he tries to look over at me she has turned him around saying look at nanny!!

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 12/02/2007 11:50

Your MIL sounds very possessive, LemonadeGirl. I don't think she should take a baby looking around the room and not at her to heart!

PinkTulips · 12/02/2007 11:55

have to admit i've always grabbed my babies back..... and had little or no concern over offending anyone

most memorable was the time fil was holding dd, answered the phone and started talking incredibly loudly down it, terrifying her. she started bawling and i went to take her, got the 'ah she's grand love' and had to physically wrench her from his grip poor mite didn't know why he was suddenly yelling in her ear and i was damned if i was standing by for any longer!

i find the worst thing that'll happen is you get branded as a bit overprotective and that has it's advantages in that people are very careful to check with me before the do anything with / give anything to my kids

WigWamBam · 12/02/2007 12:03

My MIL used to call dd "my baby" too ... I used to laugh gently, smile sweetly, and say "Whose baby?" in a mildly amused tone of voice, and she soon stopped. I didn't feel it was something worth making a fuss about, and making it into a gentle joke seemed to work.

She used to cuddle dd like a newborn too, which dd hated ... maybe it's that which makes him cry? You could always suggest, gently, that she tries holding him a little differently now that he's getting so much bigger and more curious. She might like to be able to show him things around him rather than just holding him.

Your MIL has been around enough to know that babies cry for a number of reasons, it doesn't mean they don't like someone. At 16 weeks he's not old enough to have likes or dislikes anyway. Something makes him unsettled so he cries. Perhaps you could suggest that it might be her perfume, so maybe she could try not wearing it next time and see if that makes a difference.

mylittlestar · 12/02/2007 12:06

Not sure if anyone had mentioned this yet but you said you hand him over as soon as he wakes up - perhaps he needs a few minutes to get used to her and his surroundings before he's passed over to her?

My ds used to be like this with MIL and it was really stressful. So, I changed how we did things at MIL's house - once he'd fully woken up (I mean a good 5 or 10 mins to sit on my knee, look round, have a drink of water etc), I'd prop him up on some pillows on the floor and suggest MIL sits with him on the floor and plays for a few minutes before picking him up and cuddling him. It seemed to work better and after he'd been playing/smiling at her he seemed happier to be held.

He's 17 months now and loves her to bits!

crumpet · 12/02/2007 12:11

Neither of my babies liked being cradled (unless bfing), right from the beginning - they both far preferred to be cuddled upright resting on/looking over the shoulder or facing forward. No-one had any success holding them like newborns.

PinkTulips · 12/02/2007 12:13

lol crumpet, my 2 were the same.... and ds was big enough and strong enough to make sure even mil couldn't try and force the issue with him

snowleopard · 12/02/2007 12:15

Grrr why is it that some mothers/MILs cannot find it within themselves to put the baby's feeling first? If I ever hold a friend's baby and they seem unhappy I give them back saying "Oh you want a cuddle with mummy" - of course they do, it's natural, and to get offended that a little baby doesn't "like" you is soooooo childish and selfish. Makes my blood boil as I have had this with my mother. As others have said it makes me resolve never to do this to any grandchild of mine.

I would say loudly and firmly "He's crying because he's unhappy and wants to be with me, it's quite normal at this age you know, come on back you come" and take him. You're his mum and your instincts matter. If she's willing to listen, say "This is just a phase, he will love being with his granny when he's a bit older." As for weaning, just say "I am following my HV's advice, according to the latest research on what is healthiest for babies - they used to think early weaning was best but now it turns out that was wrong" and do it your way. I wouldn't try to pander to her oversensitivity as IMO that generally makes people like that worse, it just encourages them.

Sakura · 12/02/2007 12:30

I know exactly what you are talking about. I had the same thing with my MIL. As others have said, its an almost biological need for mum and baby to be together when the baby is upset. I didnt realise this and thought I was being "clingy" or because DD was my firstborn. Now my DD is older, and I donT mind who holds her, I realise that it was just an instinct. Im very annoyed that I let it happen, because I still remember my MIL pretending she wanted to let me eat, while she took the baby. I would sit there twitching, and pretending to eat. MIL wanted to be the one to soothe the baby, so baby would get to know her. Very selfish IMO because my baby wanted to be with me, and would calm down as soon as she was with me. Anyway, the bottom line is NEVER AGAIN. If theres a next time, and my baby cries, I wont be humouring some other selfish person while my hormones are going haywire.

Original poster

LEMONADEGIRL · 12/02/2007 12:34

i do think i will have to start being a bit more vocal, rather than worrying about offending her.

i like the idea of her trying to play with him more. i always bring toys over when visiting.

mumsnet is so great for advice - thanks all

OP posts:

suziewoo13 · 12/02/2007 20:17

I had to virtually plead to get my FIL to hand over my starving baby who was vocalising her hunger very loudly. He just wanted to be the one to comfort her and sssshhh her. It drove me mad but as they didn't visit too often I just gritted my teeth and tried to stay calm. It made our BF moments all the sweeter during their visits! However they have calmed down as my DD grows. I found it hard not to be defensive when they didn't automatically hand her over when she cried but they did learn to cue into her needs with a bit of gentle persuasion. Next visit tomorrow so hope all goes well. I think all relationships need cultivated and there is nothing wrong with you being more vocal in expressing what you expect. Good luck

Sakura · 12/02/2007 23:57

Thats a really good point, suzy, about relationships need to be cultivated. In my case, my MIL needed to know my boundaries (like a child). Also, I didnt know <span class="italic">myself</span> what was acceptable or not. Once I said, I couldnt put up with someone not giving my baby back when she cried, my MIL so far seems to be trying to be more considerate. Shed come to my house every day after the birth and say "Has she managed to breastfeed today?". 5 months on, and still exclusive breastfeeding (plan to do extended breastfeeding)and she doesnt say it anymore.
Lemonadegirl, I also visit my MIL in the week and at weekends, otherwise shed turn up at my place whenever she wanted. I basically do everything you do except express milk. You should not be expected to do that, that is just too selfish of her. Just say it hurts your nipples too much these days to do that. And no, she cant give formula because you are worried about allergies and BF means the baby won`t get sick. BF is your special time with baby that will save your sanity when you are with your MIL. I fully intend to do extended breastfeeding. I think MILs forget who the mum is sometimes. Breastfeeding reminds them.

3LoveHeartsAndNoMore · 13/02/2007 00:07

grrrrr. pet hate, just because people feel they are close to the child...bloodline, wtf...doesn't make the Baby feel close to them!
Don't think one understadn that properly until having a more sensitive BAby htough!
example...last summer me visiting family seeing my cousins one year old son...ratehr much like my youngest son...my mum takes him out of the mums arms and Baby cried, you can see the mums distress you can certainly hear the BAby vocally protesting...but heh, he is a Baby, I can sooth him...not happening of course..Bubba don't know you, you silly ole bint...but of course cousins wife doesn't dare say such thing...so, had to intervene...I just bluntly said to my mum, look, he is distressed, he doesn't actually know you, can't blame him, so, you don't want him distressed give him bac to his mum, simple as that....mum just looked at me and understood, lol!
She ment well, but it aint helping!

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