Crying Baby v Mother in Law

[LEMONADEGIRL]

Morning,

Just wanted some opinions / advice on a tricky dilemma. On several occasions my ds has started to become upset while being held by mil. I have sat watching while mil tried to comfort him. The difficulty is that every part of me wants to take him off her, as his mother and comfort him. However mil is a very sensitive woman and takes his crying as that he does not like her, which sil has mentioned. How long should I let my son continue to cry v my mil delicate feelings. He is 16 weeks by the way and we have already had issues regarding my not weaning him yet.

I used to find that actions spoke louder than words when ds was little. After several occasions sitting there twitching while ds became more and more unsettled and only stepping in to avert a major meltdown just for the sake of the feelings of a few fully grown adults, I just stopped trying to be so nice and started simply taking ds away with a nice smile and saying " aw thanks, you've done a lovely job of cuddling him"...and lifting him purposefully into my arms.
As for MIL holding him "so that he could eat"...after twice forcing down my meal while desperately trying not to leap off my seat to be with ds...I started wearing him in a sling. Grandparents might think it's OK to lift a baby out of mummy's arms but I have yet to meet one brave enough to go delving into a sling to fish him out! Plus ds was always so happy in his sling I could truthfully say that he was resting or "nearly asleep".

Don't put up with it. We are expecting number 2 now and I will certainly be a lot more confident this time. If all else fails just smile in a slightly deranged way and blame your own hormones. They never know how to respond to that one!!!

I meant "holding him so that I could eat" sorry!

My friend's MIL actually said 'the sooner you realise this is not just your baby the better' . I've never met her, but I bet she smells. And has a beard and Dame Edna glasses...

Chillout - am by that comment!

BTW, just re-read that - not about yours about the glasses etc - that is funny - but about your friend's MIL!

Unbelievable isn't it! My family have been so good - they always ask if I want him back when he starts crying.
When he was teething and there was just no consoling him i'd have let the milkman hold him if I thought it would help!

As I was taking back my screaming ds from my mil's arms saying "shhh, here, here my baby" she corrected me: "no, he is OUR baby"

AAAARGGGGGHHHHH

I never had any qualms about just taking back my ds when he cried and I was severely criticized for it and told I was over possessive of him, but I cared not a jot. He was my baby, and if he needed comforting I was the one to do it, especially when he was tiny.

My mum rang once and said "how's my baby" to which I responded "I'm fine thank you very much how are you" . think she got the message after.

But she never got the notion that babies need their mums - I remember when my sister's ds was about 6 months old she was looking after him and said he was poorly and crying and I said "he needs his mum" to which she responded "rubbish, he doesn't even know who mum is at this age anyone will do" - wtf.

Would never try and comfort someone else's crying baby if the mum was there - if my sister's kids cried I just handed them back as I know what it's like to want to comfort your own baby while someone else seems to think they can do a better job.

I feel the same way that my child (soon to be children) is MY baby, not anyone else's. WTF - DH and I made him! I'm a lot more assertive about it now and couldn't care less if anyone else's feelings are hurt because it's totally normal to want to comfort your baby if he/she is crying etc.

But when DS was born, I began to feel unreasonable because of suggestions I was keeping him all to myself (we did visit relatives often and had visitors here) and felt neurotic for wanting to comfort him when he was crying in someone else's arms.

Looking back, I should have just smiled and said that he was MY baby, not everybody's baby as was suggested to me. It may have been down to mild PND but when MIL said DS was everybody's baby, I felt like he could be taken away from me and she and her family could do what they liked regardless of my feelings as his mum. The fact that they didn't give him back to me when I asked and did other stuff like feed him when I wasn't ready to wean him compounded that. What was I supposed to do - wrest him from their arms? No mother should have to ASK for her baby back.

It was a really horrible time for me and I probably over reacted but I was really upset about it all for a long time.

I also get upset hearing about other new mums experiencing similar sort of stuff especially when I know how giving birth, becoming a mother for the first time and all that can really rattle even the most secure and settled person.

LemonadeGirl, you're probably not as upset about it all as I was but if you're not happy about the way things are being handled, I'd put my foot down in the early days and nip things in the bud before it gets established.

That was an essay. Sorry.

WinkyWonkola, your post could have been written by me, and reading this whole thing again has made me stressed at the memory of it all!

I actually said to my SIL when ds was 2 weeks old that I found it hard to see him handed around, especially if he was crying, to which she replied "well I can understand just friends, but we are family". Like it matters! She is so nice and understanding normally but babies send people mad.

Lemonadegirl, I hope your new assertive stance is working.

Havnen't read the whole thread, so forgive me for repeating if I do, would you be so concerned if it was your own Mum?
I ask because, as a mother of three dss this could easily be me in however many years. Does you dh have views on this, perhaps he gets a warm feeling seeing his Mother holding his son?
This is not to say that I don't think parents should be in control of who holds their baby, but its just another perspective. The baby will get used to her soon, you are probably projecting your (possible dislike) of her onto the situation

I also found that marching up to someone and announcing "it's fine, he's just over stimulated because he likes you" before purposefully lifting him out their arms used to work really well, because it wrong-foots people into not making a fuss because they don't want to contradict a compliment!

It is good to hear that it is not just me having these issues

Mycupoverrunswithlove- do not dislike mil but feel my feelings are overpowered by hers which i feel is unfair, considering I am considerate of hers.

Have not visited yet, but am feeling more confidant to deal with situation

Good luck with your visits and have a go at practising what you might say to your MIL so you are prepared, tactful and calm. I'm sure you will find the right path as you must be a thoughtful person to consider her feelings too.

I have pretty much had to physically drag a screaming baby out my MIL arms with both of mine. I am sure she thinks i had babies for her. I am not one to leave mine crying anyway and knowing that by taking my baby back could soothe them there was no way she was keeping hold. I know people have said that she has brought up children herself but honestly if you ever met her you would wonder how in gods name in her care they made it to adulthood. She has no idea about well anything really.

My MIL is under the impression though that as she has brought up her childen and mine are still small that she can totally ignore anything dp and I have told her with regards to their care so goes and does her own thing then lies to my face about it even though I have seen her or have proof that she has yet again gone behind my back.