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Parenting

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Original poster

How do you deal with the ignoring?

29 replies

NoCapes · 23/09/2016 19:08

I'm seriously at the end of my tether with this
DC in question are 7 & 5 and I can not tell you how many times I have to say it to get them to do annnnnything
And I mean anything - eat their food, put their shoes on, brush their teeth, stop brushing their teeth, tidy up (oh the fucking tidying up!!!)

I have to say it literally 15/20 times and even then until I am actually screaming at the top of my voice until my throat hurts nothing happens

Case in point; tonight we were meant to have a movie night, I've bought chocolate milk and popcorn, so I'm trying to get them to tidy up so we can get in our jammies and I can put the film on, there really wasn't a lot of toys out as they'd been mostly in the garden, should've took 5 minutes to tidy
After 45 minutes of me telling them to tidy every 5 minutes or so I went in to check and the 7 year old was lay on the floor, 5 year old lay ontop of him and toys still strewn around
I gave up, screamed at them and put them in bed - I also had to tell the 5 year old 6 times to put her pjs on while I was standing right over her!!

I feel bad that they were in bed at 6:45 but I just can not live like this anymore
What the fuckity fuck is wrong with my children??!!?!

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Original poster

NoCapes · 23/09/2016 19:36

Gah it's just my horrible kids isn't it? I knew this wasn't normal

OP posts:

hownottofuckup · 23/09/2016 19:43

Mine are 6 and 7 and honestly I have to ask them 20 times to do anything the 21st time I shout and then they try to guilt trip me that I'm a shout mum! The other day I had a light bulb moment when I thought fuck that I'm perfectly pleasant the first 20 times. And they don't have this problem at school.
I think you did the right thing putting them to bed, if they'd have done it when first asked there would have been time for the treat, they didn't so there wasn't. Obvious consequence.

Muddlingthroughtoo · 23/09/2016 19:53

I think you have to be more specific, separate them by giving them tasks. My two are having film night tonight and they were excited and giggly, I asked them over and over to be quiet while I concentrated on something and I had to put one of them out of the room because together, they were just winding each other up. Now they are sat happily watching Paranorman.

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cheapandcheerful · 23/09/2016 19:59

"If this room isn't tidy in 10 minutes then movie night is cancelled. I'm not going to come in and tell you again. It's up to you to decide whether you want movie night and whether you want to tidy up. I'll see you in 10 minutes."

Only works if you have a history of following through on things like this and if they are actually bothered about the movie night.

Original poster

NoCapes · 23/09/2016 20:07

Yep say stuff like that all the time cheap - doesn't work!

Muddling I do get what you're saying but really how much more specific can I be than 'brush your teeth'??

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missyB1 · 23/09/2016 20:09

Gosh I never waste my time or breath constantly repeating myself, life is too short! I ask clearly making sure I have my 7 year olds full attention when I'm speaking, if he ignores me then there will be a consequence. Sorry I sound like supernanny I know but honestly I don't have the patience to give lots of chances!
You should try the idea of one warning followed by a consequence.

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 23/09/2016 20:10

What are they usually doing instead of brushing their teeth?

AmeliaJack · 23/09/2016 20:12

I know sounds like a silly question but are they looking at you when you speak to them?

Calling a request into the room while they watch TV/play with something else is less effective than saying their name(s) getting eye contact, making the request and getting verbal confirmation.

So:

"Jacob, put your book/iPad/trucks down"
"Please brush your teeth now and out your PJs on it's nearly movie time"

LuchiMangsho · 23/09/2016 20:15

Tell them to do something and then get them to repeat it. And then tell them what the consequences are, and get them to repeat it. It sounds deadly dull, but it works. It forces them to engage with you and to do what you ask.

So 'DD put your pyjamas on please.' Pause. 'Can you tell me what I asked you?' 'Yes, put your pyjamas on.' NOW. If you don't, you lose a story. Can you remember what will happen if you don't? Good.
It soon becomes second nature and you don't have to do the consequences bit, just the repeating bit.
DS sometimes wanders around the house in the morning saying to himself, 'socks, brush teeth, check bag/socks, brush teeth/check bag' etc.

SueGeneris · 23/09/2016 20:15

Perhaps you need a simple regular method of reinforcement of being asked to do/to stop doing things.

Mine are 6 and 8. They are allowed screen time from 6pm on weekdays but they can lose it if they get three strikes. If I give a warning and they then either don't do what they've been asked (or don't stop doing something) they get a strike. Ours is Minecraft themed. The screen time is represented by Steve. If Steve gets three creepers (strikes) he's out ie there is no screen time. The warning is a zombie. So I'm often walking back from school going 'Zombie!' (This was DCs idea.)

It's quite flexible so I can choose what to warn about and I remind them they need to not get creepers. Tbh it works better on one than the other but it's predictable and easy to use. I praise them if no one gets any creepers.

Original poster

NoCapes · 23/09/2016 20:15

missy but what about in a morning when you just need to get out of the door, I haven't got time for 6 million time outs
Or when they're say at the table just staring at their food, I say way they put a forkful in...then nothing, I say eat they put another few forkfuls in - so where would I do a time out there? Every time I say it they do it, but when I'm not saying it they're away with the fucking fairies

God knows HellsBells twirling, faffing around or mostly stood there with the toothbrush in their mouth but not actually doing the brushing!! it's infuriating!!

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SueGeneris · 23/09/2016 20:18

I know it sounds silly but the Minecraft theme really helps them engage with it as it's something they are both really into.

Original poster

NoCapes · 23/09/2016 20:18

Oh sorry major cross post there

Amelia I always make sure they're looking at me the first time I instruct something, after that tbh it's hit and miss, sometimes I've just got other stuff to do

Sue I think maybe we need something like that in place, I just expected by this age I wouldn't have to baby them so much
I see other people speak to their kids and it just isn't like this

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SleepsAMyth · 23/09/2016 20:19

My 5 yo is the same. I find bribery works best, currently he is behaving because he wants to accompany his Grandma to see 2 people we know get married tomorrow. He loves playing on my tablet so if he does as he's told he gets a set amount of time on it and if he doesn't listen then he gets no tablet and I don't back down so he usually wants to play on it more than he wants to be a little git. But to be fair, not sure it's not exactly a long term solution as it hasn't improved his listening skills. On plus side I do get 10 mins of peace whilst he's on it, if he doesn't spend the time arguing with his little bro about who wants to hold it etc.

Original poster

NoCapes · 23/09/2016 20:20

Luchi I have tried the repeating thing too, it worked quite well with DS but not with DD, didn't make a difference with her
Tbh she's most of the problem, and then DS thinks 'well if she's not tidying neither am I' then they both end up in trouble!

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Redcliff · 23/09/2016 20:20

I still have to ask my 9 year old to get dressed in the morning several times. Your not alone

WigelsPigels · 23/09/2016 20:23

Here too. He's 8. I have a count system. I have never reached 5
My friend count backwards.

SueGeneris · 23/09/2016 20:24

NoCapes I feel the same! But I don't know how else to manage situations sometimes. I don't need to use it a lot, mainly at transition times eg coming out of school. In the mornings they are allowed to go on their ipods once they are totally ready, which is an incentive for getting a move on, though I still regularly have the thing where they can spend 20 minutes having only managed to put a sock on in that time.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 23/09/2016 20:25

It's because they know you're going to ask 20 times. They have learned they can safely ignore you 20 times. It's only the 21st time - when you threaten something, or you get shouty - that they know they have to listen.

It's going to be a tough habit to break but you've got to do it for your own sanity!

Borntorunfast · 23/09/2016 20:26

My kids are exactly the same. You're not alone!

SueGeneris · 23/09/2016 20:27

Was it only me who misread Muddling's post and thought her DC were watching Panorama as a consequence for not co-operating, instead of a film?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 23/09/2016 20:28

Look up "Calmer Easier Happier Parenting" by Noel Janis Norton (might have spelled it wrong). It helped me a lot.

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 23/09/2016 20:30

On the food front - how about a timer? They get x minutes to eat the food, and anything left at the end is binned. next meal comes at usual scheduled time.

We had to do that with DD for a short while (simple meals were stretching to over an hour...)

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 23/09/2016 20:32

sue

Obsidian77 · 23/09/2016 20:46

Following the thread with interest, my older two are same age as yours NoCapes and they've been shocking at the moment. I've been making allowances for them as we have a new baby and I wondered if they were acting out because they think I'm ignoring them. The only thing that works with mine is if I threaten to cancel something they're looking forward to, which makes me feel rotten.

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