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Original poster

Mother/father in law!!

43 replies

user1473851570 · 14/09/2016 18:54

I feel really mean writing this post because my mil and fil are so very generous and love our son more than anyone. However I can't help but feel really angry after I've seen them. She is very bossy and even though I think she's trying to reign it in she still comes out with comments about how we should be doing things! I guess it makes me feel judged all the time and she doesn't always listen which makes me worry about leaving him with her in the future because she'll just do things her way. It drives me mad to an irrational degree! I was wondering if anyone feels this way, when there in laws aren't really doing anything too wrong? I'm fiercely protective over my boy but I don't have issues with anyone else. Why them? It's driving me nuts trying to figure it out!

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Mycatsabastard · 14/09/2016 19:06

It depends what it is she's doing/saying.

I'd repeat as a mantra 'I appreciate that you are trying to help but WE have decided this is the best way for us'.

If she persists then you'll have to be more forthcoming with your insistence that she listens to what you are saying.

I think some grandparents think that the way they raised their dc was the right way and that therefore you should be doing the same. Despite the fact that hitting children, weaning early and all the rest of it is now frowned upon.

SeaEagleFeather · 16/09/2016 22:27

People tend to have issues like this when they feel threatened by Someone else not respecting their own wishes and desires. Like their boundaries are being trodden on and someone is trying to force them to do something instead of neutrally offering advice. She aint backing off so you get more and more annoyed!

More simply, bossy people are irritating at the best of times and unbearable when they tell you what to do with your most precious little baby!

Do you think they might settle down after a while? If not, would she respond to you having a straight conversation with her? That you're establishing the bond with your baby, and you appreciate that she means well but that you'd appreciate it if she could let you find your own way. Or whatever approach you think she might respond to. It'd be a pity if this gets to explosion point at some stage.

Shootingstar2289 · 17/09/2016 20:26

You could be talking about my mother in law too.

She makes comments on everything I do. How I look after my kids, what they eat, how they sleep. Also how I cook, how I do my washing. (Told me off for using my dryer - yes it was sunny outside but I had a c section 4 days earlier and didn't really want to carry it out in the garden)

When my daughter was tiny. She was happily sleeping on her back. My mil moved her on her side!!!! Why? Because it was the 'right' way for her to sleep in her opinion. She also made me feel like a bad mum for not sticking at breast feeding and then told me I was using the wrong formula.

Also, she once took my oldest son out (she doesn't often). She wanted to take his buggy although I told her he wouldn't sit in it - he was 4. Anyway I asked if she wanted me to show her how to fold it to put in the car. She said she had four kids, was not stupid and could do it. - few minutes later she was asking for help... and didn't use it while they were out either lol.

I could write a book. But she is a good grandparent but so interfering.

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Original poster

user1473851570 · 19/09/2016 13:23

Sounds like I'm not alone! Yesterday when my boy was crying I was just about to pick him up when she swooped in and whilst picking him up said you don't mind do you. Well, she didn't give me a chance to respond. It took all of my patience not to lose it completely!! Why do people pick up other people's crying babies? I would never dream to do such a thing unless asked. Having said that he did actually calm down when she picked him up. Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

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Original poster

user1473851570 · 19/09/2016 13:25

I think you're right seaeagle, I don't feel like my wishes are being respected, however I'm not sure if I should be speaking up more or if it's my issue?

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Original poster

user1473851570 · 19/09/2016 13:29

Your mil sounds worse shooting star, you must have the patience of a saint! I'm not sure I could cope with some of the things she has said. You're a better person than me! I guess we all want our children to have a positive relationship with their grandparents and got your partners sake, and generally an easy life we all keep trying

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SeaEagleFeather · 19/09/2016 14:37

I think you need to speak up more. it doesnt have to be angry, but for instance when she swooped in and picked up your baby, you could say firmly "actually, I was about to get him and I'd appreciate if you check with me and give me time to answer". Try not to get heated or personal with her, because that's when things do go very wrong.

And keep on saying when she does things that over intrusive like this.

It isn't rude of you. It's simply and plainly stating your boundaries when someone is significantly overstepping them without respecting your position as the baby's mother! If someone is so rude as to overreach themselves like she is, it's right to say (politely but firmly) Enough.

She won't like it at all at first, but persist. Remember that you are not being rude. Practise if you have to at first.

Hopefully she will listen and moderate her behaviour after a fuss at first. If she doesn't, then there are other options but this is the best first step, if you don't think she's going to calm down of her own accord.

SeaEagleFeather · 19/09/2016 15:16

And keep on saying when she does things that over intrusive like this.

i mean, keep on saying 'no, I'd rather do that" or whatever is appropriate for the situation, when she is overintrusive. Sorry, trying to keep the duracell toddler under control

mouldycheesefan · 19/09/2016 15:18

I would have loved someone to swoop in and pick up my crying baby! Bliss!

LaundryQueenHatesIroning · 19/09/2016 15:47

In my experience OP, in the nicest possible way, you need to speak up now or she will constantly be undermining you.

I allowed my MIL to 'have her say' with my home decor, our wedding and even my DH's health, none of which was really anything to do with her but I was trying to be polite and not upset my DH. When she tried to do it when DS was born my protective instincts kicked in and i didn't care about being polite any more and told her what I thought of her opinion, just like I probably should have done at the beginning but in a more measured way.

If you don't nip it in the bud now she will just get worse and not better.

LaundryQueenHatesIroning · 19/09/2016 15:48

And being annoyed because she picked your crying baby up is definitely not unreasonable!

Dixiechick17 · 19/09/2016 15:51

I think it's natural to be slightly less tolerant of in-laws, if my Mum swooped in I wouldn't be as bothered as I feel if I needed to I could say something, but I'd find it harder to say something to the in-laws as wouldn't want to offend them.

I have found with a lot of older family members that they are quick to give their opinions and the older my DD gets the easier I find it to say "that's great that you did it like that but we're doing it a different way, and I hope you can support us with our choices" or asking them how they would have felt if someone had been telling them to parent a different way.

BackforGood · 19/09/2016 16:09

Yesterday when my boy was crying I was just about to pick him up when she swooped in and whilst picking him up said you don't mind do you. Well, she didn't give me a chance to respond. It took all of my patience not to lose it completely!! Why do people pick up other people's crying babies? I would never dream to do such a thing unless asked. Having said that he did actually calm down when she picked him up. Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

Yes, YABU.

She's the babys grandmother and she picked him up and calmed him when he was upset - what a bastard eh ?

People pick up a baby to help out. To comfort / soothe the baby. It is very, very normal behaviour.

Butterpuff · 19/09/2016 16:32

I think its the forced intimacy, in most cases you don't know your PIL as well as your parents however they have an equal share in your child as your parents. So it feels less natural. Also you understand your parents ways and have been shaped by them your PIL not so much. My MIL means well but drives me nuts. Because when she is offering to do something what she actually does is dictate what she thinks needs to be done. Where as my parents would ask if they could help and suggest ways they might do it. Both want the same thing, to help me and DH and to be close to their DGC but somehow in the communication my parents feel like a genuine and gentle help. My MIL like I've been stampeded by a well meaning elephant. I am and should be grateful, but its just more awkward and often very frustrating with MIL. Good communication I believe is key, but good communication is not easy.

SeaEagleFeather · 19/09/2016 16:47

it's not one incident though is it? it's a pattern from what the OP says.

Any one incident is nothing. But a pattern is a problem.

On top of that, she's very bossy and the OP is feeling that she can't trust the grandmother to look after her baby.

So yes there's a problem and it needs sorting out, hopefully setting up boundaries that the OP is more comfortable with will make it easier all round.

MoreCoffeeNow · 19/09/2016 16:50

She picked up her grandchild. Of course you are being unreasonable and a bit too possessive.

Original poster

user1473851570 · 19/09/2016 17:25

Thanks Seaeagle, you're exactly right. One incident is fine, but I feel like she is always judging my parenting. It doesn't help that my partner never speaks up to her preferring the easy life. I didn't mind before, but now my beautiful baby is here my heckles just go up! I suppose I'm also worried because I will need to return to work and the idea is for mil to look after him one day a week, and the thought of her ignoring my wishes to do it her way fills me with fear! I think the combination of me being a people pleaser and my mil being very opinionated and not a good listener is very hard. Thanks for your advice though, I will try to communicate in a nice way to stop things getting out of hand.

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Original poster

user1473851570 · 19/09/2016 17:29

Thanks laundryqueen, nice to hear I'm not going completely mad! You're right, I should speak up more, because I really do want to have a good relationship with her and setting boundaries will help.

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Original poster

user1473851570 · 19/09/2016 17:32

Good point dixiechick. I'm quite happy to speak up to my own parents. So even though I'm reeling inside I still don't want to offend them, sigh....

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Original poster

user1473851570 · 19/09/2016 17:37

Backforgood i understand having help with a crying baby can be a lifesaver but I was clearly about to pick him up myself. I found it at the very least, rude

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WindPowerRanger · 19/09/2016 17:39

You see, I would have said 'Give him to me, please', rather than bite my tongue. If you say what you want and reinforce your position in a calm way, the tension is less. Bite your tongue all the time, and it builds and builds.

Original poster

user1473851570 · 19/09/2016 17:43

Spot on butterpuff! "Stampeded by a well meaning elephant" - brilliant! I think we feel the same. We don't want to be annoyed or be mean but having positive communication is so hard when it's happening. Part of me feels embarrassed by the way I'm feeling so I try and make it my problem and let it go, but in the moment I can't.

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Original poster

user1473851570 · 19/09/2016 17:48

Out of interest is everyone else ok with their baby being consoled by anyone within the family if they are crying? I find this hard. FYI-I don't mind anyone holding him when he's happy

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Original poster

user1473851570 · 19/09/2016 17:50

Windpowerranger, very true. I think I'm going to have to work on that. After all if I'm not rude they shouldn't be upset should they?

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NataliaOsipova · 19/09/2016 17:50

I think Butterpuff is on to something. All families are idiosyncratic - and you are used to your own, so (almost by definition) someone else's family is a bit odd. Put that together with the fact that it's just not as easy to be as completely frank with your MIL as it would be with your own mother, it's a bit of a recipe for disaster to start with. Plus - bit of a generalisation - but most men are conflict avoiders so won't step in with their parents.

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