Mother/father in law!!

[user1473851570]

I feel really mean writing this post because my mil and fil are so very generous and love our son more than anyone. However I can't help but feel really angry after I've seen them. She is very bossy and even though I think she's trying to reign it in she still comes out with comments about how we should be doing things! I guess it makes me feel judged all the time and she doesn't always listen which makes me worry about leaving him with her in the future because she'll just do things her way. It drives me mad to an irrational degree! I was wondering if anyone feels this way, when there in laws aren't really doing anything too wrong? I'm fiercely protective over my boy but I don't have issues with anyone else. Why them? It's driving me nuts trying to figure it out!

[Northend77]

I have never had any problem with anyone in mine or my husband's family picking up either of my twins at any age. I do have a good relationship with my in-laws, especially on my husband's dad's side (I tolerate his mum but have never stepped in to stop her doing anything with her grandchildren). Also, because they don't see them very often (we live about an hour away) I tend to let things like routines and healthy eating slip so they can just enjoy time with them how they want. If we go out for a day trip, the girls will sleep in the car on the way there and back, rather than their usual post-lunch time nap. If anyone wants to give them sweets or cake then why not - it's a day out. It's never caused an issue with their usual eating or sleeping but I'd happily have a disrupted night so that they can spend a day with their extended family and cousins. I've never had any pressure to parent in a particular way so that probably helps but I also think that my relaxed attitude helps keep the peace.
It also makes time spent with them much more enjoyable for me as I'm more relaxed and actually get some time off as there's always a SIL, BIL, cousin, aunt, uncle or grandparent wanting to feed/change/cuddle/play with the girls

[user1473851570]

I guess we're all different, and everybody's parenting choices should be respected. I strongly believe in comforting my baby myself or by my partner however I can totally understand why someone else may want to seek help from family, especially with a baby that cries a lot. I'm definitely going to work hard to change my perspective on my mil, as underneath it all she wants what's best for her grandchild. If I keep this in my mind hopefully I won't feel so angry and if it's something I feel passionately about I will just speak up nicely. This way I feel better because my parenting wishes are being respected, and my boy and mil get to continue building a lovely relationship. I guess I just need to relax about it, she would never do anything to harm him and if it's something I don't agree with, just say. It really should be that simple
Thanks to everyone for the supportive messages. This was always something I wanted to resolve so feeling that people have understanding of my point of view is really helpful

[seven201]

I let other people try and comfort my dd until she gets to the screamy stage and then I offer to take her. Often people give her back before the screaming begins. It's hard as I watch them try things I know she hates eg facing inwards but I don't want to be rude and there's always a chance it will work for them. I think it's important for family to learn how to look after dd for themselves rather than me or my husband constantly issuing instructions.

[LaundryQueenHatesIroning]

"Out of interest is everyone else ok with their baby being consoled by anyone within the family if they are crying? I find this hard."

I don't blame you at all. I feel the same way. Happy to have him go to people when he's happy and enjoying it, but if he's unhappy for any reason, straight back to me. Some people might call me PFB but I don't care a jot. Whatever you are comfortable with is the right thing to do!

[scrumptiouscrumpets]

I understand how you feel about others comforting your baby OP. I felt the same when DS was born, I didn't like anyone else comforting him apart from DP. I hated standing by and having to watch him crying in someone else's arms. However, I did realise it was something I needed to work on - having relatives who can comfort your children because they have a close relationship with them is priceless, and you as a mother need to be able to step back to let that relationship develop.
You say you don't like it when "people" rush to pick up your baby, but remember that your Mil isn't "people", she's your child's grandmother, and that's potentially a wonderful relationship.

I also felt very resentful towards my Mil, she is kind but very anxious and feels the need to give advice because she worries about how we are doing things. I do realise though that some of my irritation comes from feeling insecure. I often worry about my parenting choices and tend to feel paranoid when people make innocent comments, so I overanalyse what people say. You have not actually stated what your Mil does and says that is so annoying, and what she might do that goes against your wishes when she looks after your baby, so it's hard to say if you are being unreasonable or if she is overbearing. I suspect how you feel is partly caused by your own insecurity as a first-time mum.

[seven201]

I have the same MIL problem but mine is also incredibly sensitive. If I were to argue my case for not giving sugar water etc she would burst into tears. Then there'd be an atmosphere for the rest of the visit. To be fair to her I do see her biting her tongue quite a lot. She did say I was making a 'rod for my own back' the other day as we feed our 3 month dd to sleep how I held my tongue then I don't know. Part of my problem is my mum died two years ago so If i m honest I am unfairly angry at mil for being here when my mum isn't. She annoys me before she's even arrived. I'm really trying to work on it as that's my issue not her fault.

[Dixiechick17]

My MIL moaned to DH that when my DD was crying that I took her off her, she was ten weeks old, first and only child and my instinct was to comfort her. She tried, she failed so in I stepped. It was hard to let her try but I was trying to be patient as they live abroad and were only over for three weeks. It's natural to want to comfort your own baby.

[SeaEagleFeather]

agreed, you need to say how you feel about it and about the excess of advice .. assertively, not aggressively ... for your own sake. seething resentment is a bad emotion to have bubbling away.

[BackforGood]

I think, from this thread though, you now know that other people see it completely differently.
That's not to say either way is right or wrong, but you will perhaps understand that she has no idea anyone would be offended by them picking up their own grandchild. When I first read this on MN, I was totally gobsmacked and struggled to get my head around it at all, so, if your MiL doesn't read MN regularly, then she is probably completely unaware you are bothered by this.
You need to talk to her about it - blame your hormones if you like, say 'I know this might sound odd to some people but...." if you like, but don't sit there seething, or being resentful.

[user1473851570]

That's lovely to read Seaeagle, and reassures me we will have that relationship too where he stays overnight in the future. I just need to be clear for both our benefits.

[user1473851570]

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like I should be there for my boy when he's upset. Others holding him when he's happy to me means both parties are getting the most out of each other and I can watch a lovely relationship develop

[MoreCoffeeNow]

Grandparents shouldn't have to ask for permission to cuddle their grandchildren.

[SeaEagleFeather]

My MIL tried to pick up the baby when he was crying, but she actually caught herself and stopped ... which I was very glad of.

She is a steamroller at times especially with advice but we get on very well overall. If she'd been picking up my newborn baby when I was clearly moving to comfort him, there'd have been trouble.

Because she respected that the baby was mine, as the weeks went on I became a lot more relaxed around her and I really didn't mind if she picked him or his little brother up, when little bro came along. There is one issue that is still a sore point because she backed off too late, but on the balance of our relationship it's one tiny tiny spot. She doesn't agree with me often, but has the sense to be tactful-ish how she puts it (now! after a couple of times where I did have to lay the law down) and acknowledges that we might not necessarily follow her advice.

Because she's reined it in a bit, we have a lovely and loving relationship and the children go overnight to her regularly.

[user1473851570]

Perhaps if I had a colicky baby I would feel differently. When he has cried my sister has offered to help and I was fine with this because she did it the right way. So perhaps it isn't others holding him that's the problem it's people just taking him

[BackforGood]

Same as MoreCoffeeNow - yes, of course. In fact I would be more grumbly about family who were happy to hold him when he was chuckling, but then gave him back to me for the miserable bits. As coffee says my dc were loved by all grandparents / aunts Uncles, and indeed my FiL was an absolute godsend when dc1 got colic and I was virtually on my knees - he was a life saver by taking him off me for a bit.

[MoreCoffeeNow]

Out of interest is everyone else ok with their baby being consoled by anyone within the family if they are crying? I find this hard. FYI-I don't mind anyone holding him when he's happy

Of course. The DCs were loved by an entire family and all were able to console them. Very weird to think only you can.

[WindPowerRanger]

My MIL was a little Scouse tornado, very forthright. I think she appreciated that there was no 'side' with me: she always knew where she was. If I didn't want something happening, I would say so politely.

[NataliaOsipova]

I think Butterpuff is on to something. All families are idiosyncratic - and you are used to your own, so (almost by definition) someone else's family is a bit odd. Put that together with the fact that it's just not as easy to be as completely frank with your MIL as it would be with your own mother, it's a bit of a recipe for disaster to start with. Plus - bit of a generalisation - but most men are conflict avoiders so won't step in with their parents.

[user1473851570]

Windpowerranger, very true. I think I'm going to have to work on that. After all if I'm not rude they shouldn't be upset should they?

[user1473851570]

Out of interest is everyone else ok with their baby being consoled by anyone within the family if they are crying? I find this hard. FYI-I don't mind anyone holding him when he's happy

[user1473851570]

Spot on butterpuff! "Stampeded by a well meaning elephant" - brilliant! I think we feel the same. We don't want to be annoyed or be mean but having positive communication is so hard when it's happening. Part of me feels embarrassed by the way I'm feeling so I try and make it my problem and let it go, but in the moment I can't.

[WindPowerRanger]

You see, I would have said 'Give him to me, please', rather than bite my tongue. If you say what you want and reinforce your position in a calm way, the tension is less. Bite your tongue all the time, and it builds and builds.

[user1473851570]

Backforgood i understand having help with a crying baby can be a lifesaver but I was clearly about to pick him up myself. I found it at the very least, rude

[user1473851570]

Good point dixiechick. I'm quite happy to speak up to my own parents. So even though I'm reeling inside I still don't want to offend them, sigh....