AIBU to want to kick my MiL in the tits over her slapped arse face because we can't fly out for her wedding as there are implications for my daughter's health?

[Rusulka]

OK so, fair warning, there will be swears.

I haven't really posted on here for about 2 years but have come out of retirement because I'm just so fucked off and could do with some advice.

We are supposed to be flying out to an exotic South American holiday destination next year for MiL's wedding to her older not sexy boyfriend, where they are both living. (MiL and FiL are divorced, which is good, they were awful for each other.) She is paying for our flights, which is of course, super generous, considering there are 5 of us, but we've hit a sticky point. I took DD3 for her 16 week jabs on Friday and my parents (who happened to be staying) suggested I ask the nurse whether/which vaccinations we'd all require to go. So I did. And we will. Ah, yes, about that.
She suggested I delay the visit until after her first birthday for two reasons. 1, there are no safe vaccines for a baby under one, and 2, because she won't have had her 12 month jabs yet, she won't be fully protected from those either, which are still a problem in developing countries like the one we are going to.
Fucksake.
Well of course we can't do that, because she's already set the date and invited half the fucking planet who have also booked flights so we contact MiL to alert her to the situation, only to have her go off on one about how the place she lives is fine sanitation and health wise, and has done nothing since but send message after message basically implying we are overreacting and it won't be a problem, because hey, she took SiL on a flight to Spain when she was only 10 weeks old and she was fine.
Now.
All my children are under 4. If DD3 can't go, then neither can I, and then really, neither can DDs 1 & 2, because the thought of them being abroad without me when they regularly slip their wrist straps and make a run for it is just horrific. So either just DH goes, and only for a few days, or none of us do.
MiL is understandably upset, but I'm pretty fucked off. And kicking myself for not thinking of this when she first told us. It just didn't occur to me. And now she wants a doctor's letter explaining why DD can't fly, for the airline, to help with her getting a refund. I'm happy to do this of course, and I'm going to contact our HV tomorrow for a 2nd opinion, but OMFG AAAARGH.
Not to mention my dad threatening to never speak to DH again if he does go out to support his mum at her wedding, but that's a whole juicy side issue I'm just not going to squeeze here.
So.
Thoughts? I was really looking forward to going, but I'm not going to continue with our plans if there's even a hint of an issue for my baby. If anything happened to her I'd never forgive myself.
AIBU?

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For you OP. It can't be great living like that.

I wouldn't take my baby to a country where vaccinations are recommended for those diseases. It's a risk I wouldn't want to take.

And I wouldn't have flown to another country without my children. But that's just how I want to live.

OP,

I think perhaps DH should go and all the kids stay with you - it's an awful lot of vaccinations for wee ones and they are not particularly pleasant ones either.

You do need to look into the vaccinations quick sharp.though as some need a course over a year to be effective.

The way you have wrote your post op sounds like your enjoying the drama a little too much
this

Am I the only person who struggles to understand how the DCs can be left with strangers at nursery but the OP will only let their father take them to nursery on his own 5 minutes away. I rarely say this but poor mil.

Yes its all too dramatic

I don't understand why you are happy to keep having children with your DH but he is only ever in charge of the kids for 5 minutes max. So his sperm is good enough but he can't be trusted otherwise?

Tbh I do understand feeling torn when people want different things from you. It is a shock when health professionals suddenly say ' oh and you can't do X, you'll need to do Y'. Take a breath and get that second opinion, preferably from a specialist. What do the NHS travel pages say?

Tbh if those 8 texts had been part of a single phone call, it would have felt more normal. Does your dh not skype his mum? Texting anything emotional is a recipe for disaster IMO.

Children do run off. Usually they run back again. What about your dh taking just the eldest? I agree also that you have months to focus on this behaviour.

Ring your MIL, build bridges. Your FIL sounds like a good reason to move to South America tbh.

Ok, OP, you have explained you were venting, and I don't think there is reason for the real nastiness on this thread.

I would hold your MIL at bay for a week or so, and Once you have got over the stress of your parents' visit I would do a bit more research into your destination country. Talk to your GP, not the nurse, and talk about the age your baby will be.

Think carefully about the T&C over the tickets. If the airline will not refund then hang on to them and make a decision closer to the time as to how many people should go. Your DH has time to practice, and it may be that he could take just the eldest?

Meanwhile try and see it from MIL's PoV, too: she paid a lot of ££ in good faith. And don't allow your family to have one iota of input.

I hope it settles down and works out as well as possible.

Of course you can leave your children in nursery when you can't bring yourself to allow their dad to take them out: nurseries are generally a contained environment with extremely tight security! Escapees lead to aggro from Ofsted.

Op, I used harness reins on DD. Leather ones with buckles - you could dangle a kid from them (or pull them back from a road) without worrying. Not the plastic ones: they felt too flimsy. When she didn't really need them as much I carried them in my bag for months as a threat if they ran off. Worked a treat!

I'll be doing the same with DS.

If vaccination is recommended then there is a higher risk that your child could get that disease there. vaccines aren't always 100%. A specialist might also be less risk adverse than you, so you need to make the decision.

This incident could be a wake-up call and a motivation to really work on lots of these issues. Letting your DH parent. Raising boundaries with your parents.

As a start, perhaps try to calculate and plan a bit more. I have control-freak tendencies myself, so like to plan and research before saying yes or no to things. That way, I and others are less disappointed by "no"s and more confident about "yes"es. By contrast, you agreed to the tickets before checking the immunisation situation or, it seems, imagining how you'd wrangle your older two. Second, it sounds like the moment it occurred to you that immunisations could be a problem, you flew off the handle, tried to cancel, and then felt harassed because she wanted a second opinion and you couldn't get one until the next day... whereas if you had told her once you already had a second opinion, that would have seemed less flakey, and she might not have tried to hard to use emotion to overturn what sounded like an emotional decision!

Just slowing down and stopping acting so impulsively could really take a lot of pressure off and make it easier for you to address what anxieties remain!

It's been said once earlier upthread, but do check whether you can change the ticket dates. I had to do that recently for long distance flights - just a few hours before we were due to fly - and I was surprised that we only had to pay £75pp. OK, it's not nothing - but much less than the ticket price!

If you can change them, then how about if just your DH goes to the wedding (if you can't bring yourself to let him take one or two of the older children) then you all go on a family holiday there a year later when all the vaccinations can be done. Naturally, you pay for the change and for the extra tickets(s) next year not your MIL

I'd have thought that would be a good result for everyone.

Bonus for MIL is that next year she'll be able to focus on enjoying the time with her grandchildren, rather than very naturally being caught up in the swirl of her wedding and all her other guests.

Of course, she'll be disappointed not to have them there - and show them off to all those guests . But if you sell it right and at least your DH goes she'll get over that.

Try posting on the living overseas forum, you might find someone who lives or who has lived in that country and will be able to talk about the risks and also the vaccination schedule for that country.
My DD had lived in four countries by the time she was 4 and has been vaccinated on a combination of all their schedules. If you know what babies of her age would have been vaccinated against at her age it might help.