AIBU to want to kick my MiL in the tits over her slapped arse face because we can't fly out for her wedding as there are implications for my daughter's health?

[Rusulka]

OK so, fair warning, there will be swears.

I haven't really posted on here for about 2 years but have come out of retirement because I'm just so fucked off and could do with some advice.

We are supposed to be flying out to an exotic South American holiday destination next year for MiL's wedding to her older not sexy boyfriend, where they are both living. (MiL and FiL are divorced, which is good, they were awful for each other.) She is paying for our flights, which is of course, super generous, considering there are 5 of us, but we've hit a sticky point. I took DD3 for her 16 week jabs on Friday and my parents (who happened to be staying) suggested I ask the nurse whether/which vaccinations we'd all require to go. So I did. And we will. Ah, yes, about that.
She suggested I delay the visit until after her first birthday for two reasons. 1, there are no safe vaccines for a baby under one, and 2, because she won't have had her 12 month jabs yet, she won't be fully protected from those either, which are still a problem in developing countries like the one we are going to.
Fucksake.
Well of course we can't do that, because she's already set the date and invited half the fucking planet who have also booked flights so we contact MiL to alert her to the situation, only to have her go off on one about how the place she lives is fine sanitation and health wise, and has done nothing since but send message after message basically implying we are overreacting and it won't be a problem, because hey, she took SiL on a flight to Spain when she was only 10 weeks old and she was fine.
Now.
All my children are under 4. If DD3 can't go, then neither can I, and then really, neither can DDs 1 & 2, because the thought of them being abroad without me when they regularly slip their wrist straps and make a run for it is just horrific. So either just DH goes, and only for a few days, or none of us do.
MiL is understandably upset, but I'm pretty fucked off. And kicking myself for not thinking of this when she first told us. It just didn't occur to me. And now she wants a doctor's letter explaining why DD can't fly, for the airline, to help with her getting a refund. I'm happy to do this of course, and I'm going to contact our HV tomorrow for a 2nd opinion, but OMFG AAAARGH.
Not to mention my dad threatening to never speak to DH again if he does go out to support his mum at her wedding, but that's a whole juicy side issue I'm just not going to squeeze here.
So.
Thoughts? I was really looking forward to going, but I'm not going to continue with our plans if there's even a hint of an issue for my baby. If anything happened to her I'd never forgive myself.
AIBU?

And bollocks is it like "wrangling wild monkeys". It's looking after two children.

Also I probably shouldn't have posted while I was angry. I am somewhat prone to wild outbursts and colourful phrasing.

No. You shouldn't have been angry. You have no reason to be.

You should let your husband and two older ones go even if this might be difficult for you.

Why are you angry?
You have not lost money. You have not being told your son cannot attend your wedding

You need to grow up stop being spiteful to your mil and allow your DH to be a father to his DC you've never allowed him to take them out just five minutes down the road! Your dad has no business getting involved and making bold statements about your DH and his relationship with his mother. Of course your mil is annoyed she paid out money in good faith

I think you're overreacting too.
Tell us why your dad would have a problem with your husband attending his mum's wedding?

Given that the wedding is next year, there's plenty of time for your DH to learn to handle/control/look after your older DC so that the 3 of them can go to the wedding while you stay behind with your youngest, your reasons for doing so being perfectly sensible. But get the plan going now so you're all comfortable about it come the time.

I think regardless of the circumstances, it is despicable to use the term to want to 'kick someone in the tits'. How utterly misogynistic.

MiL's bloke lives in a flat and they have a maid who is from one of the poorer areas.

Poor people are rife with germs dont ya know

I think your mil is saying about sanitation because she is offended which is ott just be factual we all need XYZ vaccinations to come baby cant have x y zvaccinations because she is to young sorry Mil. Im not sure why your dad is sticking his beak in if your Dh goes with other kids

So basically, your mil is not even going to have the older grandchildren at her wedding because your anxiety controls your entire family to the point your dh is not allowed to parent his own kids.

Ok. I'd not be pleased with you either.

I would be angry and trying to be guilt-tripped into a visit with such serious health risks for my young DC.

Hopefully they airline may let you change the flights for many months/years later if they won't refund.

Sorry not read all replies so you might have answered this but what month is the wedding? Won't DD be over 12 months old then if she is 4 months old now? If she definitely can't fly then your DH should be taking the other two kids. They will clearly be a bit older then too so behaviour might have tamed and DH will have plenty of time to get used to parenting his own kids between now and then.

MIL responded to your news emotionally by bombarding you with messages about sanitation and you responded emotionally by outpouring here about kicking her in the tits... She is probably annoyed about potentially losing a lot of money, and the possibility of not having her DS and DGC at her wedding, and in turn has annoyed you with all the messages.
As pp said just be factual baby needs X y z vaccines and can't have them.
If DM really can't have baby whilst you are away then DH needs to take the girls. You do have a number of months to get him to practice taking them out alone and his relaxation ship with them and your anxiety will improve long term by doing so.

It might seem difficult if you have anxiety surrounding it, but you need to allow your DH to parent his own children.

I have 3 children under 3 and if my DH didn't do his fair share I would be a basket case.

I think if OP has OCD and can't let DH take the kids out for more than 5mins, she is scarcely going to be comfortable letting him take them to South America is she??? Maybe she "should", but OCD needs to be sorted before this is ever going to be a realistic outcome.

OK, I can see that the health issues are a significant factor, and I doubt I would want to take a young baby to wherever it is if all those vaccinations are needed.

However, there are solutions and compromises and I think that you need to acknowledge that a lot of these are in your hands:
-You could consider leaving DD3 with your parents for a few days? You have a while to get her used to staying with them? Tricky if you are ebf, of course.
-You could send your other two kids with your DH. It is a problem if you can manage all 3 kids but believe that he, a gown man, a Dad, cannot manage 2 kids. Obviously this is sensitive for you - are you getting hep with your anxiety? It is affecting your life and that of your DH and kids if you continue to not let your DH be an equal parent and be a Dad.
-Of course it would be reasonable for your DH to go alone, and I cannot imagine any circumstances that would make it OK for your dad to issue ultimatums like that to your dH, or for you to have any sympathy with such unreasonable threatening behaviour.

Maybe I am wrong, but how VERY convenient it was that your parents had the idea of asking about vaccinations even tho' the trip is not until next year.....

I completely agree about it not necessarily working for DH to take the other kids. Mine are close in age, I was a SAHM and DH was working all hours trying to build a business when they were tiny. He's a fantastic dad but the thought of him taking them somewhere without me when they were under 4 would have been awful. It's not wrong that the husband works all week and therefore isn't totally amazing and practised at looking after 2 small children, it doesn't make him less of a father or partner. If I was you, I think if the medical advice was not to go I'd stay at home and let DH go for as long as he likes, if he's gravelly in a long way it might as well be worth it.

So why is your dad involved?

Coo - I got a surprise on this thread - I expected all the DILs to pile in and support the OP which is what usually happens on MIL threads, but NO every post I think is eminently sensible.

I think there is (as has been suggested) more to this than meets the eye. I agree OP should let the older children go with their dad - ok she has OCD and I feel for her because it's a nasty thing to have, but she is passing on her anxieties to her children if she refuses to let their dad take them anywhere and that's really not fair. Also the girls are going to be flower girls so without them the wedding won't be as MIL planned it and she's unlikely to be able to find substitutes.

And "kicking in the tits" is plain nasty and says a lot about the OP I think.

YANBU

This is your CHILD> You don't take unnecessary risks with your child. Let your DH go with the others - you and baby can go out another time.

TBH I think that the chances are that Baby would be fine and there would be no problems, BUT if anything did happen, you'd never forgive yourself, you'd never forgive you DH and you'd never forgive your MIL. And you'll have a bloody awful visit because you'd be worrying so much, and if Baby came down with a sniffle you'd be past yourself and panic.

You are being ridiculous over your dh. Either he goes with the older two, which he has every right to. Or he goes alone for the full duration and you manage alone.

You have no right to stamp your feet and say he can only have a few days with his mum. Your family are not your possessions.

Your dad on the other hand sounds violent, so your dh may need to look at stopping him having contact with his children.

How much are 5 long haul tickets? Thousands I would have thought.