AIBU to want to kick my MiL in the tits over her slapped arse face because we can't fly out for her wedding as there are implications for my daughter's health?

[Rusulka]

OK so, fair warning, there will be swears.

I haven't really posted on here for about 2 years but have come out of retirement because I'm just so fucked off and could do with some advice.

We are supposed to be flying out to an exotic South American holiday destination next year for MiL's wedding to her older not sexy boyfriend, where they are both living. (MiL and FiL are divorced, which is good, they were awful for each other.) She is paying for our flights, which is of course, super generous, considering there are 5 of us, but we've hit a sticky point. I took DD3 for her 16 week jabs on Friday and my parents (who happened to be staying) suggested I ask the nurse whether/which vaccinations we'd all require to go. So I did. And we will. Ah, yes, about that.
She suggested I delay the visit until after her first birthday for two reasons. 1, there are no safe vaccines for a baby under one, and 2, because she won't have had her 12 month jabs yet, she won't be fully protected from those either, which are still a problem in developing countries like the one we are going to.
Fucksake.
Well of course we can't do that, because she's already set the date and invited half the fucking planet who have also booked flights so we contact MiL to alert her to the situation, only to have her go off on one about how the place she lives is fine sanitation and health wise, and has done nothing since but send message after message basically implying we are overreacting and it won't be a problem, because hey, she took SiL on a flight to Spain when she was only 10 weeks old and she was fine.
Now.
All my children are under 4. If DD3 can't go, then neither can I, and then really, neither can DDs 1 & 2, because the thought of them being abroad without me when they regularly slip their wrist straps and make a run for it is just horrific. So either just DH goes, and only for a few days, or none of us do.
MiL is understandably upset, but I'm pretty fucked off. And kicking myself for not thinking of this when she first told us. It just didn't occur to me. And now she wants a doctor's letter explaining why DD can't fly, for the airline, to help with her getting a refund. I'm happy to do this of course, and I'm going to contact our HV tomorrow for a 2nd opinion, but OMFG AAAARGH.
Not to mention my dad threatening to never speak to DH again if he does go out to support his mum at her wedding, but that's a whole juicy side issue I'm just not going to squeeze here.
So.
Thoughts? I was really looking forward to going, but I'm not going to continue with our plans if there's even a hint of an issue for my baby. If anything happened to her I'd never forgive myself.
AIBU?

Oh and yellow fever and cholera too possibly.

And rabies..........

I can't imagine your MiL would get all her money back would she? It's not like your DD's health has changed since the tickets were booked.

I don't think it's such a big drama. Don't go. DH can go on his own and you can go and have a holiday later on. The thought of travelling with such young children sounds a bit of a mare to me!

Could a trusted family member /friend take care of baby whilst you go for a few days? (Think there may b a bit more to it re your relationship with Mil tho 😕)

Why will your dad not speak to your husband if he goes?

Quitelikely5 having done some research, we'd need to be protected against malaria, hepatitis A & tetanus, have our MMR and TDaP (tetanus, diptheria & pertussis) up to date, and maybe consider rabies, typhoid and yellow fever.

The 12 month jabs are:
Hib/Men C vaccine, given as a single jab containing vaccines against meningitis C (first dose) and Hib (fourth dose)
Measles, mumps and rubella (MMR) vaccine, given as a single jab
Pneumococcal (PCV) vaccine, third dose
Men B vaccine, third dose

AgentProvocateur we're going to a suburb of a major city, which from the map seems to be right by a forested area, with plans to go stay at some beach place for a bit too.

MiL's bloke lives in a flat and they have a maid who is from one of the poorer areas.

"Plan a trip in a year when everybody can safely enjoy it"

That's a good idea.

"Mil, the baby can't come to your wedding so I'm not going to let anyone else come. I hope you get your money back- although I can't see why I should help you by getting a letter from the doctor explaining why the baby can't come.(that will probably mean you'll lose the cost of the other flights, but hey ho) Oh and while you're doing that, please can you book a holiday for the 5 of us the following year? I know you're not getting married then or anything, but we'd much rather go then"

Why do I get the feeling this is going to be one of those threads?

You want to physically assault your husbands mother, because she'd like a refund for five long haul flights she booked in good faith before you researched your family's fitness to fly?

Um. I think you might be being more than a tad unreasonable?

Why can't your husband go with the older two? They might regularly get out of their wrist strap but surely their parent could cope with that?

I cannot see how this is your MIL's fault, you should have checked before she booked the flights. I would send my husband and older children and reimburse MIL for the other flights.

Bertrand the op said she would help with the letter. She also said she would get hv advice as a second opinion. The bottom line is though that some places in the world aren't that safe for babies. Not those visiting, not those who live there. The op isn't being unreasonable to put her baby's health above a wedding. The point of a trip in a year is that would allow the children to spend family time with their grandmother in her home country, safely.

I know for cruises visiting S. America they only allow children over 12 months. Must be for similar reasons?

I got married overseas while I was living there and a couple of our friends brought babies, the youngest admittedly was born in Singapore so likely to be exposed to the same as he would be in Malaysia anyway. The next youngest was from the UK and about 9 months so I guess they managed to sort out a level of vaccination they were happy with. Another friend didn't come as her baby had respiratory problems and the consultant advised that the flight could cause problems.
However, we did pay for flights for some people and if someone had accepted this offer and let us book their flights before checking they could actually travel I'd have been pretty furious. I really think under the circumstances you need to do your own proper research as to what is actually endemic in the area, how it is transmitted (typhoid is water borne, was endemic where we lived and I only know one person in 2 1/2 years who got it due to being careful with water and hygiene), how much protection your little one has/can get through vaccines, think about things like whether they are crawling/walking/putting everything in their mouth or primarily still in a buggy with a mosquito net over it and breastfed.
If you decide not to go then I think it's entirely reasonable to do everything you can to help your MIL get a refund on the flight(s) and ideally let your DH take the older two.

You obviously don't like your MIL very much- referring to her husband-to-be as her "bloke" and commenting on his appearance. In fact, a lot of the words and phrases you have used are pretty despicable- "kick her in the tits"? Seriously?

You should get the letter form your doctor to allow this woman to recoup her costs. Then, your husband needs to sort out how he can get there, and what children he'll be taking along.

Lastly, your dad needs to butt out. It's nothing to do with him.

I get the distinct impression that, even if you could go, you'd be the one sitting there with a "slapped arse face" so do everyone a favour and just slip out of the scenario, and allow everyone else to get on with it.

Dh takes older two. And for the full time, not "only a few days". OP stays home with baby, and refunds MIL the fares, unless by some miracle she gets a refund. Sorted.

We're not staying in a sexy resort unfortunately.
And the reason I'm so upset with MiL is not the situation, but her reaction- the day we told her, DH got I think 8 texts telling him he was being ridiculous and their sanitation is better than ours, and then there have been bombardments on skype too along the same lines- we've said we'll check with the HV tomorrow and there's nothing else we can do. We're happy to pay for the cost of the flights if the airline insists on being an asshat.
I get that she wants us/him there (the girls were all supposed to be flower girls or something with my niece) I just wish she wouldn't keep insisting that the health risks aren't an issue when they clearly are. She also said the airline told her DD would be at just as much risk going to a nearby shopping centre at home, which is clearly total balls.
The reason I don't want DH taking both the older girls is partially because it's like wrangling like wild monkeys, and it's hard to take them both to the shops, never mind anywhere else. Between us we can keep an eye on them, and I have a lot more practice out and about with them as a SAHM. Also I have OCD. I probably should have mentioned that.
I haven't had good experiences with other people helping parent the girls (DD1 ran off at Chessington ffs) so I have real anxiety issues over this. DH has taken the girls to nursery and back by himself (5 minutes down the road) but that's it. That's because I don't let him (I'm awful, I know, but I'm improving), and the thought of him having to take them abroad, through the airport, onto the plane, all the faff at the other end and also being separated from them for that length of time when I've only been away from them while having babies is a bit much.

The problem is that she's trying to guilt us into going anyway. And I bloody hate her for it. Or at least strongly dislike it.

And no, my relationship with MiL hasn't been easy, but I just wish she'd understand that this is a real worry for us.

I don't think you should go and they will just have to get over it.

You are totally out of order.

Oh and your dad is an arsehole.
Poor DH and poor mil. You have tge cheek to be smidey about her DF yet your own father sounds like a violent prick.

Could you ask the airline to move the flights rather than cancel. I think the idea of going a year later (or more) may be a good one.

I agree with Bertrend

The father of your children should be able to handle them on his own. They are his children too.

Your dad has no right to go ape shit. It's your husbands MOTHER!

Start practising letting your dh look after his own children now. You've got til next year.

And don't use awful expressions like "kicking her in the tits" if you want to get any sympathy at all.

The problem is that she's trying to guilt us into going anyway. And I bloody hate her for it. Or at least strongly dislike it

No, you're the problem.

That's quite a long list isn't it...

Firstly I wouldn't go to a midwife for a second opinion, can you get an appointment at a travel clinic, or somewhere that specialises in vaccinations?
If the baby can't safely have the vaccines needed (their may be off licence data available for some of those - although you wouldn't be unjustified to stick to the licence schedule if you prefer, but that might be a choice) I would very much doubt MIL would get refunds on flights for all of you, could your DM not have the baby for a few days and you all go for a shorter time as a compromise?
Agree with pp, I know that you haven't put the backstory here but ywbvu to expect DH to miss his mothers wedding. And he should be able to take the older dcs with him at least.

I don't understand why your dad has reacted like he has. Why is it any of his business? Have you received help for your OCD? It really isn't fair that your family that your husband can't be trusted to care for his children.