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Original poster

SIL wants to use my newborn as comforter

114 replies

annomm · 18/07/2016 18:25

I don't know how to feel about this, my sil is starting counselling this week due to depression and her relationships with people. She wants to come to mine after her session to cuddle my baby.
My reason for asking is that I know babies are receptive to people's moods so I don't want my baby to feel stressed/sad/emotional/upset after
What to do?!

OP posts:

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MeLittleDuckie · 18/07/2016 21:49

I had counselling sessions and was always pretty normal after them, was never a quivering mess. I can't promise your SIL will be the same, but perhaps she's not looking for a cuddly baby to weep with, just looking more for a lovely distraction? It would be a beautiful thing if one of the first things your DC did was help someone through/out of their depression. I'd give it a try as pp suggested.

TurtleEclipseofTheHeart · 18/07/2016 21:49

Everything the OP has said would make me uncomfortable too. If the SIL had framed the request differently, perhaps made it more of a casual request to see them both sometimes for a coffee, catch up and a little cuddle with DN and this coincided with her counselling then fine. But the way it reads to me is that the SIL wants OP to make herself available after each counselling session so she can have a kind of therapeutic touch experience with the baby, in the way that someone might book a massage! It feels like a lot of pressure on a new mum and her baby and does make her baby sound like a passive object rather than a little person. I think there's a difference between acknowledging how lovely it is to spend time with and have a little cuddle with a baby you love, and asking specifically to cuddle that baby on a regular basis to make you feel better. Would she be sitting there in silence intently holding the baby for half an hour whilst the OP looks on awkwardly or going for a chat and a cup of tea but also hoping for a cuddle if it is convenient?

noisyrice · 18/07/2016 21:51

What the fuck is wrong with some people?!

Your SIL is coming from a therapy session and is struggling with depression. I do not understand PP who have said that she will make your DBaby sad and tired...how exactly?

What I imagine will happen (if this goes ahead) is that your SIL would be overjoyed to be holding her DNiece, rather than depressing a baby or whatever you think will happen

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228agreenend · 18/07/2016 22:02

I agree with turtle's version of events. Ie. A post counselling chat, coffee and cuddle fine. To use baby has a comforter is not fine. Young babies don't always want to be held by people other than their mum (or dad). What is this going to,do to sil, (who is going to counselling for depression and people relationships) if the baby rejects her?

Iggi999 · 18/07/2016 22:03

Apocalypse I was saying what you thought I was saying (assuming I'm correctly guessing what you thought I thought) but I was being sarcastic.

TwistedReach · 18/07/2016 22:38

user7755 i imagine you work in adult mental health rather than child mental health.

MistressMerryWeather · 18/07/2016 22:45

Mumsnet never fails to make me thank God for my family and the fact that they are not a bunch of nasty, judgmental prats who are thick as mince.

The woman wants to be with her family and have a cuddle with her niece after her first counseling session.

The normal reaction here is "Of course you can, we will all have a cup of tea and chat about how it went".

Not "Keep her away from the baby, the little one will absorb the depression and be scarred for life"

It's not even PFB, it's just stupidity.

PacificDogwod · 18/07/2016 22:51

ann, nothing at all wrong with setting boundaries, if your SiL leaves you feeling drained then tell her it does not suit.
You do not HAVE to agree to debrief/soothe her after every counselling session, but you should feel able to say that without feeling concerned that your baby might be affected by being held by her or anything.

Having said that, if anybody had dared to do anything at all to wake sleeping DS1 (who never slept for his first year!!), they would have been mince

Rainbunny · 18/07/2016 22:55

Mistress - many of us have commented and not said a word about the baby being affected negatively by being cuddled - that's clearly a silly idea. I commented primarily to address the OP's concerns that her SIL already speaks about her condition and although the OP likes her and wants to support her, OP does find it draining. I think it's a valid concern that OP will perhaps end up being a post-counselling session ear for her SIL and if it becomes a regular visit it could be overwhelming for the OP. It is something to be aware of, of course this may not occur but from OP has posted it seems her SIL wants to talk about her condition. The OP is not a mean person for worrying about this.

BertrandRussell · 18/07/2016 22:59

"Not "Keep her away from the baby, the little one will absorb the depression and be scarred for life""

I actually find that marginally more acceptable than the "oh, no, don't do it- you might have to do it again" attitude.

Original poster

annomm · 18/07/2016 23:02

2cats thank you you have hit nail on the head!

I would also do anything to help my sil feel better and she is always welcome for a cuppa and cuddles but not by her expecting me and baby to be extension of her therapy!!!!

Not being mean at all like I said I have a really good relationship with her and have been there for her the last 10 years!!! Like people have said I'm a new mum trying to get to grips with it all!!

OP posts:

hmmmum · 18/07/2016 23:03

She might not do it after every counselling session anyway so I don't know that you even need to think ahead about it too much.
She may find that she's a bit drained afterwards and that dealing with a baby (as someone pointed out, babies aren't passive bundles) is not what she needs.
Maybe just go with the flow and see how it pans out. If you give a stern No to your sister it could affect your relationship with her in a negative way, she could feel rejected like you think she's going to somehow pollute your baby. You're your baby's primary caregiver so I don't see that the baby will be that affected, it's not like she's going to be looking after her all day. And if your baby does get upset by the experience your sister may well want to hand her back to you anyway!

Original poster

annomm · 18/07/2016 23:05

Rainbunny Thank you! I'm really not mean just new to this situation and didn't know how to deal/think about it!

OP posts:

hmmmum · 18/07/2016 23:05

Sorry I mean sil, not sister

MistressMerryWeather · 18/07/2016 23:05

What exactly did she say to make you feel like she wants this to be an extension of her therapy?

How did she word it?

Glamorousglitter · 18/07/2016 23:10

No, no no no no

DixieNormas · 18/07/2016 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/07/2016 01:07

Obvs she shouldn't expect you and your baby to be on her schedule or at her beck and call, iyswim. And I expect as she works through whatever issues she's trying to deal with she'll need this less and less.

There's nothing wrong about her dropping by after counseling for a cuddle if baby is awake, or even just cup of tea and a peek at a sleeping baby if he/she's sleeping. That can be soothing, too.

But there's also nothing wrong with setting a few ground rules; No waking the baby. If the baby gets 'squirmy' or cries, he/she's to be handed over to you right away. Perhaps no going over her counseling session in minute detail. That you'll talk about pleasant things 'to allow her to decompress'.

Depending on your SiL, this could also be a time for you to take a breather, too. Would you be comfortable with letting her hold/rock the baby whilst you took a bath/shower, did a chore or two, or just vegged out on the sofa for a bit?

LilQueenie · 19/07/2016 01:33

I would say no. My child was used like that and I put a stop to it. Adults need to learn to cope without using a child as a crutch. As they grow older they tend to feel they are responsible for that person. not all cases but some.

itstheYbirdstop · 19/07/2016 06:07

I think some of you are pretty mean bitches who obviously haven't suffered any form of depression.

She wants a little cuddle with a little baby now and again to feel better. Fucking hell.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 19/07/2016 06:10

Adults need to learn to cope without using a child as a crutch

How many of us have come home from a hard day at the office and asked our partners for a hug?

littlejeopardy · 19/07/2016 06:24

I really think you can do it once without being contractually obliged to do it every week. Just keep it casual and friendly. Your SIL might just want something pleasant to look forward to.

My DM always says how a newborn reminds you of what is really important in life, they bring you back to basics. Maybe you will have a lovely time with your SIL...Maybe it will be awkward but not much harm done by trying it.

TurtleEclipseofTheHeart · 19/07/2016 07:58

Ybird- I have had depression for years and would be uncomfortable with this so it is not the case that anyone who finds this odd obviously hasn't had depression or is a mean bitch. I don't think anyone has said that there is anything wrong with the SIL wanting to cuddle OP's baby or that OP shouldn't be willing to spend time with her to help her out.

What some pp find a little odd is how the request was framed. I would be totally okay with something along the lines of "I'm feeling depressed and going to have counselling which might be a bit draining. I know being a new mum must be really busy but I think it would be lovely to catch up with you for a coffee sometimes after counselling if you're around as we can have a nice walk together and I can have a little cuddle with DN and it would be a nice thing to look forward to after an emotional counselling session!" That sort of approach acknowledges how hard being a new mum is and that it might not always be convenient but that if it would, the SIL would like to see OP AND her baby and that a cuddle would be nice as part of that. No pressure. She still gets to cuddle the baby, but isn't basically saying that DN holds the key to her recovery and making OP feel like she is therefore responsible because if she can't make it one week, or she wants to hold her own baby whilst SIL is there, then she is depriving SIL of what she needs.

Unless I have misinterpreted the OP it sounds like what the SIL said was more that she would like to come over after her counselling sessions to cuddle the baby as it would make her feel better. No interest in spending time with the OP, who may be finding motherhood a difficult adjustment. No making sure OP can easily say no if it isn't convenient that week, just an expectation that she can come over and cuddle the baby as therapy. That could mean OP making herself available every week for SIL to sit and weep over her baby. What if OP has been up all night with the baby, or the baby is sleeping or just cries when the SIL holds him/her and she takes this personally? I don't think it is at all unreasonable that the OP feels this is a bit of an unusual request and that a happy medium needs to be reached.

itstheYbirdstop · 19/07/2016 08:01

Read the thread. Lots of women saying 'no'. I take your points, I just think people are getting a bit deep about all this. Surely she just wants to pop over and cuddle the baby now and again.

Dutchcourage · 19/07/2016 08:09

itsthe yes I have suffered depression and anxiety and has a lot of sessions with a psychologist.

And no I wouldn't let my any of my children used as a human crutch, it's unhealthy and I seriously doubt if any credible therapist would this this was ok. The sil has to learn to self comfort and sooth. It's not the responsibility of op OR her baby to 'fix' sil it really isn't.

So save your your name calling thanks.

Popping over for the odd cuddle is totally different from week in week out time set aside for sil to come and 'use' this child. Whst if the baby didn't want to be cuddled? What if the op has been up all night and the baby had just gone off? It's not practical

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