SIL wants to use my newborn as comforter

[annomm]

I don't know how to feel about this, my sil is starting counselling this week due to depression and her relationships with people. She wants to come to mine after her session to cuddle my baby.
My reason for asking is that I know babies are receptive to people's moods so I don't want my baby to feel stressed/sad/emotional/upset after
What to do?!

I'm sure my daughter can pick up on my moods. She's always at her worst when I'm feeling bad. I do think they can pick up on anxiety and stress.

I think it's weird. Could you buy her a baby sized cuddly toy she can take home?

Tell her to come over but prewarn her that babies are unpredictable and if she's unsettled or grumpy or needs a nap or a feed or a nappy change you'll whisk her away.
I'm sure it'll be fine, give your sil a lovely distraction and you a break.

If it makes you feel weird/uncomfortable: don't do it.

As with all things in life.

I think that's a bit of a weird request, to be honest.

Has she had counselling before, do you know?

It can be quite an intense process. Sometimes you leave feeling really drained, sometimes sad, sometimes happy, sometimes super tired. There's not one overriding emotion that you could cure with a cuddle session.

I'd be really surprised if she wanted to commit to going anywhere after a few sessions. Tell her to see how it goes, first. I bet she decides against it.

You're not being weird about it. It's a baby, not a cuddly toy

I used to have a 'hug a horse day' built into my week - I used to help a friend with his horses. It was lovely to just be around creatures who liked me making a fuss of them and being with them. (I'm not comparing your baby to an animal, by the way, just sharing what was a mutually positive experience!)
If your SIL is coming to see your baby and would behave as she did when she is well, I don't really see the issue, but if she weeps all over your dc then that's not appropriate.

The OP implies her SIL intends to descend on the baby and use her as an object to comfort herself, careless if the damage she is planning to vent on DN.

I suspect that it is more likely that SIL has planned a visit to see OP and DN as she will be out and about anyway and the visit will give her something nice to look forward to after her counselling.

OP - do you have any reason for assuming the worst about your SIL? Is there history? Or is your suspicious reaction out of character?

I assume the sil is already depressed prior to the counselling so to be on the safe side don't let her hold the baby at all.

So, you know your DSIL is suffering from depression and will have therapy.

If I was your SIL, I would have struggled to tell you this much, let alone asked you if I could come and cuddle your baby afterwards. It would have set me back to find out that you were going to put up barriers to my wellbeing.

Tell her that's she's welcome. If she upsets the baby, suggest that next time she doesn't come straight after.

I would ask SIL a bit more about what she hopes to get from this. If she wants a happy cuddle, it might be great. But then again, if the baby is even a tiny bit grizzly (for possibly entirely unrelated reasons) will SIL feel bad/ rejected? In which case, it won't help.

I had no choice after therapy but to go straight to work. I'd zone out in the evening when I was at home alone. I found being around horses very calming. These days I have cats and they can be very good for lifting a mood. Like PP, I'm absolutely not making a comparison between your baby and a horse! What I'm saying is that if she wants unconditional cuddles/ interaction a baby may well not be suitable. However, if she does like animals, they can be great to offload after therapy. And they're not emotionally complicated.

I think she would be better to get a cat.

I don't think your baby will catch depression but it's s bit objectifying isn't it.

It's nice if she wants to come round after - but the cuddling your baby because counselling will be so awful? It's a very dramatic statement.

Firstly, she might not actually feel like that. Then counselling is supposed to be about her learning to support herself, and give herself support.

Coming round for a chat, if you are free at that time, that might involve cooing over your baby is fine.

A regular date which is inconvenient for you isn't. Neither is treating your baby like a doll, not giving it back if it's crying etc etc - all of those are just weird.

Only you know which your sister is likely to mean. Why not say she's welcome to come over for a chat if she's upset after but to bear in mind baby might be asleep and you won't disturb a sleeping baby!

She just wants to do something to make her self feel better.
Be kind

I wouldnt allow it. I wouldn't want someone using my baby as a crutch and becoming too attached.

I never understand the "babies aren't cuddly toys" line. They are a bit surely..........? Mine certainly were!

Babies (and children and even adults) co-regulate to people around them. But are you sure she means it in quite the way you said it - that she wants to use your baby as a comforter. Are you sure she doesn't mean that she thinks it will be a hard session and there's nothing like a cuddle with a baby to cheer you up? Which sounds quite normal and fine to me - baby as therapy not so much. SO it really depends how much you've spun what she actually said.

As someone above said - just say that if she's too upset that you don;t want the baby upset by her but otherwise fine.

Do warn her that babies are unpredictable and may not want to be cuddled by that particular person at that particular time.

I would be more worried at your sil being upset by the baby than the other way round.....

Bert so were mine. Quite teddy-bearish and snuggly.

Ok so I'm definitely not unhinged and I don't think my baby is a reverse dementor and I don't think my baby will catch depression.

As per the title she said she wanted to specifically come to mine to cuddle my baby to make her feel better, which is fine I do believe a cuddle with baby even and animal is lovely!

Maybe I should have went a bit more into detail .. She tells a lot of people about her condition and I'm always there for her and we have a really good relationship. The reasoning is because I always feel drained after her seeing her sometimes maybe my own fault for letting her make me feel like that?! I know my baby can feel my energy e.g when I feel uptight or stressed. I know how I feel after seeing her sometimes so thought my baby may also be the same.

I didn't know how to feel about her using my baby as a teddy bear

Has she actually said she wants to cuddle baby For this purpose?

I'd probably do it. But if SiL wasn't able to sit calmly and rock/cuddle the baby or if the baby didn't react well to it then I wouldn't continue.

Babies don't 'absorb' negative emotions. The can sense nervousness though, but it certainly doesn't have any kind of permanent affect on them. What nervous/scared first time mum hasn't had a crying baby they were unable to soothe only to have it quiet in an instant when someone else, someone calm and relaxed, takes the baby.

One of my coworkers used to volunteer as a 'baby rocker' in the nursery of one of our local hospitals for a couple of hours after work to relieve her own stress. I certainly wouldn't think they'd allow it if it was felt to have a detrimental effect on the newborns.

Or perhaps she doesn't see your baby as a teddy or comforter. But as a part Low Fell her life that is joyous and wonderful and a nice contrast to reliving the rubbish stuff at the counsellor. Not a comfort blanket to bring her out of it but a change of pace to see family and a new baby at her than mope.

It's not necessarily a bad thing at all.

How about meeting her at the door and saying "Thank heavens you're here, I'm going mad stuck inside. How about a walk, you can push the pram."
Then walk and chat, the exercise might help her mood, you can get a feel for how she is.. then home for a cuddle with DN if appropriate.

Oo good idea Perspicacia
Bertrand 😀
Iggi999 if you're saying what I think you're saying I have no words.

I wouldn't be happy about it, not because I think it will be bad for your baby but... your SIL may well find therapy emotionally intense and she may be very emotional when she visits you and frankly you may end up being a post-therapy support ear to listen, I don't know how comfortable you would be about that possibility. I'd be leary of it becoming a frequent thing as well which again could become overwhelming. You wouldn't want this to develop into a situation where you feel guilted into making your baby available for comfort on demand. This may well not happen and it may just be a one off but just be aware.

I think I'd suggest that she visits a different time so there is no immediate connection between the counselling session and babytime.