SIL wants to use my newborn as comforter

[annomm]

I don't know how to feel about this, my sil is starting counselling this week due to depression and her relationships with people. She wants to come to mine after her session to cuddle my baby.
My reason for asking is that I know babies are receptive to people's moods so I don't want my baby to feel stressed/sad/emotional/upset after
What to do?!

I don't think your SIL should be using a baby as an emotional coping mechanism. Not fair on the baby and certainly not healthy for the SILs mental health either.

And I highly doubt her counsellor or any mental health professional would recommend it.

Tough one. But I wouldn't be too impressed either.

The great thing about babies is that they have no manners. They express their feelings with not a shred of politeness or consideration. If she's not happy to be cuddled, her aunt will know all about it in five minutes max.

Sometimes after therapy people can feel very inwardly focussed and need a 'transition' time in order to feel engaged with the real world again. Something physical can be really good for this, connection physical and emotional with another human being.

Sounds like she could do with some clear boundaries, a hug with her and you (if you are a hugger), a 10 minute cup of tea and then onto her own life.

There are some very sensible responses on the first page but sadly this has been taken over by some less informed and more judgemental posters who seem to be confusing SIL with an infant experiencing separation anxiety or sleep problems.

And I'm sorry to disappoint you WiMoChi but as a very experienced MH therapist, I can see nothing in the OP's post which would cause any concern. If it works for SIL I certainly wouldn't discourage it.

"don't think your SIL should be using a baby as an emotional coping mechanism. Not fair on the baby and certainly not healthy for the SILs mental health either."

Why on earth not?

What if SIL had a crisis and baby wasn't available? Or if mother decided enough was enough and this vice wasn't available anymore? Would that not be at the detriment of this SIL?

Not a good idea.

And user7755, I'm not disappointed at all, I welcome alternative and 'expert' opinions.

Babies are not and should not be responsible for an adults happiness/mental wellbeing, surely?! ✌️

I don't my post was "less informed" or "judgemental". My post reflected the the OP's concerns, as she wrote herself:

"Maybe I should have went a bit more into detail .. She tells a lot of people about her condition and I'm always there for her and we have a really good relationship. The reasoning is because I always feel drained after her seeing her sometimes maybe my own fault for letting her make me feel like that?!"

My post merely highlights the possibility that the SIL may end up using the OP as an ear to talk to when visiting to cuddle the baby and that it may become overwhelming for the OP as clearly indicated in her post. I also noted the possibility that it could develop into a frequent thing where the OP feels like she can't refuse because she wouldn't want to hurt her SIL's feelings and would feel guilted into it. Valid concerns I think!

I don't THINK my post...

Personally Bunny I'm embracing the fact that a "very experienced MH therapist" thinks the thread has "been taken over by some less informed and more judgemental posters who seem to be confusing SIL with an infant experiencing separation anxiety or sleep problems". Especially since by virtue of being on the 2nd page I appear to be one of the guilty party.

And now, I'm off to cuddle my cat

^^ HAHAHHA!

No way. This could go on for months and how do you stop it once you've started? Does it also mean you have to make your baby available after every counselling session. What if it's not convenient?
Don't start it.

Any chance SIL just wants to come and off load to you after her session, and is using the cuddle with baby as an excuse? Could she be thinking of you as her support for debrief, but think it might sound less intense to say she'll pop round for a cuddle with dd?

Personally, the main reason that I think it's all a bit odd and not quite what it seems is because you seem to think it's odd. You obviously know her well, but think this is a bit weird, so if you're not comfortable with it then kindly put her off somehow (a baby group of some kind you've been on the waiting list for etc). If you do get on really well and would like to support her, then as suggested, tell her if she's coming round you can go out for a walk. But maybe have a get out plan for the following week incase she suggests it again and you don't want it to become a regular thing.

"No way. This could go on for months and how do you stop it once you've started? Does it also mean you have to make your baby available after every counselling session. What if it's not convenient?
Don't start it."

Some people just baffle me........

My friend who was having chemo used to come and visit me and my new baby after her hospital appointments when she was ill. Years later she says it was cuddling my baby that got her through. My PFB didn't suffer and benefits hugely from an "auntie" who loves her to bits.

The only reason I'd be cautious is whether you want SIL spending that time with you at yours. Your baby won't care one way or another.

Maybe you should just see how it goes. My niece was born three months after my mum died and I was pretty depressed abput it. Cuddling her made me feel so much better. She never saw me cry but it just helped to give love when you miss someone. I never thought it through at the time but now we have a really strong bond. Much stronger than I have with other nieces and nephews and I'm her "best auntie". So it could benefit both.

I would also like to add that she jokingly tried to wake him the other day so she could have a cuddle when he was sound asleep. I know if I wasn't there she would have just woken him.

Be as baffled as you like Bertrand. The OP's last comment re-affirms my stance. It's not her baby. She shouldn't be using it as an emotional crutch on a regular basis. Occasional cuddles fine at mum's convenience. Does OP have to make herself and her baby available indefinitely following every counselling session? I'm not alone in questioning this so it seems there's not unanimous agreement.

Gabilan - that was in response to a poster who highly doubted any therapist or MH professional would recommend it. That poster was wrong and I only put the information in about being experienced because MN can at times turn into a very unhelpful group of people making assumptions with limited understanding of the mechanisms behind it, this doesn't matter when it is related to interior design or something meaningless but in this case there were some unhelpful and inaccurate assumptions being made about depression and these were being reinforced by a number of posters. This needs to be challenged in my view and if that means pointing out that you do actually know what you're talking about then so be it.

She is the baby's Auntie. If my dsis had refused me cuddles with my dn for whatever reason I would have been devastated.

I'm as baffled as Bertrand!

What I wouldn't like is feeling that I had this standing appointment to be home for your SIL after her counselling session. Can't she find something else to comfort her?

I do so hate mean spiritedness...........

I'd do anything to helpy sister in law feel better.

** help my

It's not mean-spirited to have boundaries.

OP, if you don't feel comfortable with this then say no. From what I can tell, you aren't saying that your SIL can't ever hug your baby , you are saying that you aren't going to be available for her to extend her counselling session at your house.

Perfectly reasonable IMO.