Seriously need advice re 5/6 month old breastfed baby - sleep/feeds. At wits end :(

[seri0usly]

Hi all.

Really hoping somebody can offer me some advice as I'm at breaking point with exhaustion/sleep deprivation and basically dont know whether I'm coming or going each day. My 5.5 month old is exclusively breastfed and every day is still very different with no structure or routine. I'm sure this works for some people but it doesn't work for me nor him. I am exhausted, he looks very tired too. Today he slept this morning 9am-10.30 but I haven't been able to get him to sleep since. Feeds are all over the place. He is unsettled at night. He can't fall asleep on his own. He won't go in his cot. The longest he ever sleeps now is 2 hours day or night.

I genuinely feel there is something wrong with my milk? Maybe the quality isn't good enough as I'm so tired and probably not getting the nutrition I should be. I feel so depleted. At least if I gave formula I'd be able to read his signs better, know that he can't really be hungry as he's had X amount of milk so far today.

I'm going out of my mind. I'm too tired now to know what to do. Can anyone help? What is the structure of your 5-6 month old's day if they are BF?

I have another child who is pretty much ignored now or snapped at. She watches far too much TV and has very little attention from me. My husband and I are constantly arguing. I really feel like walking out. It isn't PND, its just sheer exhaustion.

How can I get a routine in place so I know what's next? I have tried so many times and it never ever happens. He wakes from naps early, he wakes for the day at different times, he relies on feed to sleep so EASY doesn't work, he is hysterical if I try and break this, he falls asleep at different times each night even though the bedtime routine is always done at the same time. Its sending me demented!

We do try every night to do bath, PJs, milk at almost exactly the same time and with sleep cues like Ewan and comforter etc. Some nights he drops off easily, others takes hours. He always wakes within 45mins or so anyway.

How on earth do I make things better for the good of the whole family. I can't take it any longer :(

FYI I had none of these issues with my first, none at all.

DS was like this. He woke every 45 mins for over 5 months overnight and also wouldn't sleep more than 20 mins in the day. He was born long and skinny, 2nd-9th centile for weight. Shot up to 50th EBF so thought I was doing fine. He always wanted to be feeding. With the glory of hindsight, he was always hungry, poor thing. Weaned at 5.5m and started to manage formula in a cup (bottle refuser) too. By 8m he was sleeping through and was on the 98th centile for weight. He's 6 now and v tall, still a bit skinny!

Personally, I'd add in formula and continue to cosleep, or use a cosleeping cot. Try to reduce night feeds - I night weaned by choosing an amount of time to not feed before (maybe 2 hours) and comfort if he wakes but no feed. Then extend that time every 3 days til you get to an acceptable level (maybe 4 hours - I remember dreaming of a 4 hour block of sleep!).

Do anything to ensure the daytime naps, even if it means walks with the buggy. Over tiredness is awful.

Sympathies, huge ones. If it helps, he sleeps like a dream and hasn't been a spot of bother for years. His sister, who started soooo well, still wakes twice a night at 3 years old. I think what helped me the most was the realisation that it wasn't my fault and actually, other than enough food and decent naps, there wasn't much I could do other than try to survive.

Toominty - I think you're right. So hard to break though. I introduced a comforter about 6 weeks ago and it seems to make a difference now so I'll persevere with that.

Try feeding until drowsy but not asleep then putting down with comforter, then gradually expand the gap between feeding and sleeping until there's no link - e.g. routine starts as bath, story, feed, sleep and ends up as bath, feed, story, sleep.

Oh yay nousername glad it worked and you could understand my explanation M haha 😄

Bendydick - husband has quite rightly announced enough is enough this morning as we are all suffering. We are going to try your method tonight.

I'm sure it will way better than you're expecting. In any case, it will be short term pain for long term gain. Just stick at it! Do update us! A couple weeks' time I'm sure things will be different.

I just don't know how to cope when he gets hysterical. If somebody said it would last an hour I could cope but I'm envisaging hours of screaming and is admitting defeat before he does!

This age it could well be growth spurt. Dd1 was same at this age and I weaned. Don't be afraid to wean before 6 months as its a guideline, if baby has good weight and showing signs I would def try solids before formula. Dd1 started sleeping for 1.5 hrs herself just after 6 months so I think this is all pretty normal. Every baby different but this is crucial milestone, trust ur instinct.

My ds1 didn't sleep.
We had no routine
I weaned him and switched to formula at 6 months
It made no difference
I gave up trying to force him into a routine, clearly it was not for him.
Once I relaxed about it everything seemed easier.
I think some kids are wired a certain way and it's better to accept that rather try and fit a square peg into a round hole!

40 minutes in. Not going well so far :(

How long would you persist before giving up? We did full bedtime routine, he was drowsy and definitely ready for sleep. He's had enough milk. Instead of allowing him to fall asleep at the breast, we read to him & put him in the cot. He is absolutely hysterical. We haven't left him alone once and are comforting him throughout. He is just not settling.

Oh bless him. Does he use a dummy?

I know this suggestion will go down like a lead balloon on here, but what happens if you do leave him? Just step out for a few mins and see what happens - if he's already hysterical, he'll either remain so or get better. I found DS was overstimulated even with just us in the room sometimes, and wanted to be left the f alone. (He's still like that now, needs every scrap of stimulation removed.)

He doesn't use a dummy. We could try leaving I guess...

It didn't work for me at all. DS screamed for hours. I tried for weeks. One of my biggest parenting regrets.

BUT you have to give it a good go before you give up.

Try looking at this thread for an effective softer option if you decide it's not working for you (particularly the longer post by nicknamefail): Gradual retreat thread

It really sounds exhausting for u. I would definitely try some formula maybe start with one in the evening before bed. I know how u feel with older siblings being left to watch TV I breaks my heart but it won't be like this forever u are doing great I'm sure so just hang in there and before u know it they will all be grown up and u will probably miss them needing u so much

It's not working and I really needed this to work tonight. I can't carry on as things are

It won't work tonight. Nothing will work tonight. Choose a technique and try it for 2 weeks. Aim for 1-2 wake ups by 2 weeks time. Massively lower your expectations.

I'm sorry op. I understand being so sleep deprived you feel like vomiting. So exhausted every joint hurts. So desperate you dream of appendicitis because you'd have to stay in hospital and might get some sleep. I understand. But you can't fix this quickly. It is possible you won't be able to "fix" it at all. But it will end, one day he'll sleep.

I just meant that I hoped he'd settle to sleep in his cot rather than falling asleep on my boob. Even if no improvement in night wakings it would be a move in the right direction

But the attachment seems to be too strong.

Try the thread I linked to. It's a well known thread which has helped a lot of people.

He will eventually settle on his own in his cot tonight, but it may be hours. How exactly are you doing it?

Ah thank you HPandBacon - I am following the schedule listed. Have cuddled to sleep.

Schedule says to cuddle to sleep any time he wakes before 4 hours after last feed so for us that will be 11pm before I can feed him next. It doesn't explain what to do after that feed? He will be sleepy and fall asleep on the breast - is it ok to then place him in cot asleep? Surely that's just feeding to sleep?

Also not sure what to do about naps in day in the meantime? Use pram? Use this method in the cot?

I'm no expert, judging by my 2 non sleepers! But, yes feed after 4 hours and if possible remove from breast just before sleep (remember this being laughingly impossible myself!) or feed to sleep. Then for the next 4 hours just cuddle to sleep. Main part of this is to teach him that night time isn't food time and so the night isn't just about sleeping and feeding, waking and getting food on tap.
Personally I think getting an ebf baby to not fall asleep on the breast is nigh on impossible, so I'd not focus on that just yet. But there's no right answer.

As to naps, I'd go with whatever gets you the most reliable nap. Avoiding overtiredness is key, so choose whichever works.

You will get there but it will take time. The approach that's right for one baby won't work for the next, they're so different.

When you get chance, it's worth reading the whole of that thread. Helped me a lot to see others trying, not always succeeding, but mainly making progress.

That's really helpful thank you so much. Exactly, that's what I need him to learn, that night is for sleeping not milk on tap. It affects his daytime feeds massively. I just think it will be so much better for him (and us!) if he learns this. Think I'm in for a long night - he has just woken, I am cuddling to sleep. Wonder how many times tonight?! Will keep you all updated.

That was an easy wake up...back in cot within 10 mins.

Those of you who use white noise...do you play it all night? I have a CD player with repeat function but no CD... Thinking it would be useful to have it play all night rather than the 20 mins Ewan does. Anyone do this?