Seriously need advice re 5/6 month old breastfed baby - sleep/feeds. At wits end :(

[seri0usly]

Hi all.

Really hoping somebody can offer me some advice as I'm at breaking point with exhaustion/sleep deprivation and basically dont know whether I'm coming or going each day. My 5.5 month old is exclusively breastfed and every day is still very different with no structure or routine. I'm sure this works for some people but it doesn't work for me nor him. I am exhausted, he looks very tired too. Today he slept this morning 9am-10.30 but I haven't been able to get him to sleep since. Feeds are all over the place. He is unsettled at night. He can't fall asleep on his own. He won't go in his cot. The longest he ever sleeps now is 2 hours day or night.

I genuinely feel there is something wrong with my milk? Maybe the quality isn't good enough as I'm so tired and probably not getting the nutrition I should be. I feel so depleted. At least if I gave formula I'd be able to read his signs better, know that he can't really be hungry as he's had X amount of milk so far today.

I'm going out of my mind. I'm too tired now to know what to do. Can anyone help? What is the structure of your 5-6 month old's day if they are BF?

I have another child who is pretty much ignored now or snapped at. She watches far too much TV and has very little attention from me. My husband and I are constantly arguing. I really feel like walking out. It isn't PND, its just sheer exhaustion.

How can I get a routine in place so I know what's next? I have tried so many times and it never ever happens. He wakes from naps early, he wakes for the day at different times, he relies on feed to sleep so EASY doesn't work, he is hysterical if I try and break this, he falls asleep at different times each night even though the bedtime routine is always done at the same time. Its sending me demented!

We do try every night to do bath, PJs, milk at almost exactly the same time and with sleep cues like Ewan and comforter etc. Some nights he drops off easily, others takes hours. He always wakes within 45mins or so anyway.

How on earth do I make things better for the good of the whole family. I can't take it any longer :(

FYI I had none of these issues with my first, none at all.

My ds2 is like yours OP but luckily he's my second "high needs baby" so I'm going with the flow a lot more than did first time round. I would say that 45 min naps are fine for the EASY routine so maybe give that another go? They change v fast at this age so what didn't work 2 weeks ago might work now. Have you heard of 2,3,4 - ime at this age they start to go 2hrs then nap, then 3hrs then nap, then 4hrs then bed. Also, I use white noise, pushchair, car, anything to get a nap as the day works much better then. With my first I tried everything to teach him to self settle as the books said I should - made no difference and he did it himself at 11 months. If you want to start a bottle of formula (no judgement, you've done really well to get so far with ebf) then maybe give one after bath/bedtime routine to try to encourage a routine here?

Hi OP, I handled the night wakings by going in settling him, pat his back gently or pick up for a few minutes and then back down, unless I was certain he was hungry. It's took a lot of determination & patience but I had to use what little strength I had left. My husband was off for the first 4days so it helped take the pressure off as I made him pick DS up when he didn't need feeding. DS just seemed to settle better for dad. I also had him in the sling a lot during the day so i tried to cut that back at bit too. It will get better somehow, OP just hang in there.

You've had a lot of advice but I'd definitely try and do the 2-3-4 routine by any means necessary, it was fab for us, and I'd definitely get a sleep consultant!!
Also I would definitely switch to formula, but I had no burning desire to BF or not either way.
Good luck, hope things improve ASAP

Thank you all so much for the ideas.

I do agree overtired is certainly a big factor. I will work on that first and see what happens. I will also give up with the cot in the day and revert to pram to ensure he gets his naps. He is usually happy to sleep in the pram. We will also get a move on with introducing solids and bottles.

The one thing I can't see a solution for though - he doesn't want to be alone at night or in his cot now. He will settle if in the bed with me laying next to him. I'd be more than happy to co-sleep but I really think co-sleeping also disturbs him. It's a catch-22 ... He won't settle in the cot alone but co-sleeping doesn't really work either. Also, it means co-sleeping from his bedtime which is no good long term as I need to get stuff done and don't want to go to bed at 8pm every night! Not sure how to tackle this unless I'm firm and insist he stays in the cot (pick up put down??) and hope after a couple days he accepts it?? But I keep reading he's too young for sleep training and I'd have thought this amounts to sleep training? I can't bear to hear him cry so strongly - I'd like a gentle solution.

Girlwiththelionheart - thanks for the routine -this is exactly what I needed to read. I had been following something quite close to this but decided to try 2-3-4 this last week as he was struggling to go to sleep at 7 with having slept 4.30-5. He can't yet manage the 2-3-4 though - the 4 hours is way too much awake time. I don't know why I didn't think to just move his bedtime back to 8pm for now. I guess because my 4 year old goes to bed at 7 I had wanted the baby to do the same. In the short term 8pm will work better for him. It means he keeps his catnap but should be more ready for bed.

Thank you for all the other ideas.

God I hope things improve somehow.

We did 'pick up, put down' at 12 weeks to get my baby to sleep in his cot.
I think they say don't do any form of controlled crying etc at this age but since he would never be crying when not held I think this method is fine?
First attempt he was VERY cross but eventually went to sleep after 45mins. It's now much quicker. He does sometimes still get cross and need picking up once or twice for daytime naps if I don't time it right and he gets overtired but by fixing the main overtiredness he went from waking every 2hrs overnight to sleeping 7-10(we wake him for a feed) 10-5ish, 5-6.30/7ish. Also EBF.
I found counterintuitively that spacing his daytime feeds out to every 3-3.5hrs (from every 2hrs previously) means he gets better quality feeds rather than snacking more frequently so he takes his daily 'quota' of milk in daytime and doesn't need to wake as often at night.
I always try to kick off the day with a feed at 7am and will wake him for this if he's asleep and keep him up until the next nap.

Yeah my dd can't go 4 hours between the last sleep. She loses her mind. All kids are different some only need 2 naps at this age.
Once I started following that routine and really sticking to it she now does it herself - in that she will start rubbing eyes at the times she naps.
Follow sleep cues like that and take him straight up to bed, nice dark room with white noise.

Mine was the same re going in his cot so we kept him downstairs at this age until we went to bed and one of us held him. It is really going to get better soon - don't worry about "long term"! My ds cracked it a few months later and now at 8 months sleeps in his cot most nights from 7pm - 7am with a night feed in there somewhere. I would concentrate on day time sleep first.

Sorry I missed whether his cot is in his own room or not? I presume it's still in with you?

I suspect at that age I was staying up there s lot actually. I slithered out though after he went to sleep and watched on the video monitor. It was a tough time though as I remember being so tired and desperate for weaning to work. It did.....but not until he was 7 months. That's when I finally could put him in his room and even then we had to put a comfy chair in there too so we could sit with him a lot. But it was psychologically better once we got him out of our space. Less temptation to bring him into our bed too as it was too much palaver.

We had a cot refused and went from co-sleeping to own cot& own room in one night, and did pick up put down. Was brill and way less stressful than it sounds!

*cot refuser

That was age 4.5ish months old though.

Bendydick - any tips? How long did the crying go on for? My boy gets hysterical and winds himself up rather than crying to wind down. I can just imagine it being hours of screaming. Love to hear what happened

Petrova - really interesting, thank you. I'm trying today to cut out the snacking and have him take full feeds. Because he's fed in the night he's not that interested the first half of the day...small feed at 7am and fairly small feed 11am. Need to work on reducing the night feeding.

Elspeth - yes he's in our room.

We rocked and shhd him to sleep, laid him down once asleep, and he'd start crying again straight away. We'd then pick him up immediately, rock and shh again until he calmed down, then the second he quietened down (ie before he was back to sleep), put him down in the cot again. Repeat repeat repeat, eventually he got the message that we were right there and it was perfectly safe to fall asleep in the cot by himself. You can keep a hand on his tummy while he's in the cot to reassure him. It never went on for more than an hour before he properly fell asleep. We had white noise playing so that continued and made the transition to sleeping without us shhing him smoother. Think we did pick up our down for a week or 2. Around 8 months it finally got to the point that we could just lob him in the cot and he'd fall asleep by himself. He still has white noise at 13 months old.
Also, that was around the time we switched to formula!

I have this. I think its teething as well tho as his gums are rock hard and look painful.

Own room, more frequent naps if he looks tired, white noise. And crossing my fingers! I'm back at work so trying to hope for the best!

Oh and more formula and actual food at 5.5 months.

OP, no advice but just wanted to say I'm in the same position too! Getting less sleep now at 6 months than when he was a newborn!

Oh op, I was in a similar boat to you a few months ago. DS did this from 4 months and at 8 months I realised I was too sleep deprived to keep going in the same way, especially with DD (3) to look after. She woke several times a night as she was so disturbed by DS. I had tried swapping to formula for some feeds, which didn't help and I also weaned around 5 months, which didn't work either. I may be wrong but I think breast milk has more calories than food so I shouldn't have relied on solids filling him up to sleep! Instead, we went down the dreaded cc route, which helped almost immediately. It was horrible but he's now sleeping much better, as is my dd.

DD is 6.5 months old and was driving me crackers with similar issues a month a go. I put in place more of a routine and got tougher about naps.
Up at 6,bf.
Breakfast at 7.30
Falls asleep in the buggy on the way home from the school drop off, or if not, I to cot, in sleeping bag, dimmed room with music on the monitor on. Sleeps from 20 - 40 minutes.
Plau/jobs /tescos!
Bf around 10
Lunch at 11.30-12
Into cot as before, if she wakes after an hour, music back on. Normally naps from 1.30to 2.30 hours
By.
Tea
Bed around 7
Dream feed at 10.30
If she wakes in the night, music on, of still unsettled after 2 goes with music I'll bf .

Whenasuitcasejustwontdo - what was your method? How did you do it?

I get to this point in the day and I can't even think straight. I am so bloody tired. I dread the night ahead. I really need someone to come in and sort it all out for me. I don't think I have the energy for it.

Op, I've just tried the pick up put down described by bendy and it's worked a treat! My issue is with settling between sleep cycles though so we'll see how the rest of the night pans out...

We put DS in his cot and left him for varying intervals, so 2 minutes, 5 then 10, repeating the 10 minute cycles until he fell asleep. He usually fell asleep around the start of the second 10 minutes. As I said earlier, it was horrible to do but on the first night he only woke twice.

I remember the dread of bedtime all too well. Be kind to yourself

Sorry, I didn't really answer your question! I would pick him up until he calmed down then the moment he did I put him down and left the room and set a timer.

I don't think it's hunger, I think it's the feeding to sleep. My DS1 was like this - needed a boob to fall asleep on and woke up every sleep cycle because he couldn't self-settle. My advice would to try and break the bf/sleep association. Strong bedtime routine and a comfort blanket/bear will help. Good luck!