Worried I haven't bonded with screaming baby

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My DD is 9 weeks old and I'm really struggling.

I was so naive, I really thought I'd enjoy the newborn phase (!) but I don't. She's a real screamer - not just the typical evening colic but on and off pretty much all day. Today I decided to time it and she has been crying for nearly four hours already - and we will probably get even more this evening...

As a result I'm not getting out and about much. I don't go to any baby groups as it's too embarrassing standing in the corner jiggling a red faced screaming baby while the other babies lay there gurgling happily. I'm dont really like to have old friends over to meet her - they all want to come over "for a cuddle", little do they know that DD is the least cuddly baby ever. Most days I go out for long lonely walks with the pram or sling, but that's about it.

I've been trying to be strong but today I just broke down in tears while DD was having another one of her screaming fits. I feel I hardly have any of those lovely special moments you are supposed to get with a new baby.

I'm so fed up and lonely and worried I'm going to start resenting her. I can't believe I'm writing this as its so awful but I'm starting to have moments where I wonder what the hell I've done. I definitely don't feel we've bonded at all.

Go to go, she's crying again. Did anyone else have this? Tell me it gets better??

I hated the newborn phase, both times. To me it was something I had to survive, I struggled massively.

My DD had reflux, and before diagnosis i remember spending night after night on my knees with exhaustion just wishing I'd never had her. Nobody told me how hard it could be, or that it was ok to not find it magical.

If will pass, but if you need some help and support while you wait for that to happen having a chat with your GP about how you're feeling. My baby is 1 now and I actually miss her when she's asleep.

Of course you do try

guilty hmm maybe I do need to look into this then. Did your DD have other symptoms other than screaming?

roasted having said I've tried everything - that is one thing I haven't tried! Good idea. And bizarrely DD often IS quite happy when I take her clothes off. Hmm. What did you change from/to? We're using fairy.

will she wake up even if you keep walking / driving?

team her weight gain is ok...but as we're bottle feeding I make sure she gets about the right amount each day. She tends to really guzzle at the bottle so I have made a lot of effort to slow down feeds and reduce the air she takes in, using doc brown bottles, taking regular breaks to replace the bottle with a dummy, burp her etc. She always cries a lot though. Feeding times are quite a trial!

name yep although to be fair I only tried that once. After nearly a full day of walking interspersed with feeding/nappy change breaks I was exhausted and even more depressed!

Sorry to sound so defeatist... She's a real mystery!

I had a horribly colicky baby who cried a lot. I was that mum rocking at baby groups (find actual baby ones not ones with toddlers running around if possible- sure start?) And trying not to cry myself! I used to walk, a lot. Baby massage was tough but from about 10 weeks helped- although if upset I would just cuddle him. I did get pnd because of it I'm sure.

By 12 weeks life became slightly more managable- after 90mins awake I would sling or pushchair and walk. Between 3 and 6 months things gradually changed until I actually started to enjoy being a mum. Do you have any friends with older children (maybe even much older) who might understand and help? Having someone else who didn't mind taking a screaming baby for a walk so I could sleep and have a bath made a huge difference to my mental wellbeing. Hope your ok and surviving today!

I'd definitely push for an amino acid formula like neonate, Pepti still contains the proteins, they're just partially hydrolysed. Both DD and DS are multi-allergic, I can still hear DDs screams in my head so I know where you are coming from!

Ranitidine was the only medicine that helped with the reflux for DS, I wish I'd had it for DDs silent reflux.

There's a CMPA group on Facebook that would offer you lots of advice and support, in case it hasn't been mentioned already?

Typo, neocate

Just had another thought, related to some PPs. DD doesn't show very clear signs of being tired, even now. We have to stick to relatively strict nap/bed times otherwise she just ends up in meltdown.

One thing I did was to try to work out a little more what her natural routine was. I made up a sheet with 15 minute slots and kept track of sleep, screaming times, calm times, feeding, nappies, everything. After a few days I started to see a pattern, and then used this to start getting DD into more of a routine. For example, omit worked out that she needed to be put down for a nap two hours after waking in the morning. The signs were too subtle to really notice, but when I started sticking to the routine quite strictly, things started yo turn around. Even now DD really needs her routine. Happy as anything if we stick to her usual eating and sleeping times, doesn't seem to matter where we are as long as we get the times right!

Have you tried looking into her routine like this?

Of course you are trying everything, that's what makes it all so soul destroying!

Oh, and DD is nearly two, still on neocate and ranitidine! It really was the magic combo for us.

I have no advice I'm afraid, but I just wanted to reiterate that it's TOTALLY ok not to enjoy this. Who would?! The baby stage can be hard and tedious and a slog. But things will improve, I promise.

As many others have said it sounds like classis cmpi and silent reflux. Ds1 had this and I was the mum with the only screaming baby at Gymboree! Neocate and dummies saved us. We weaned early and he was hovering up dairy with no issue by 10 months. Consultant gastroenterologist told us that roughly 50% of babies are born with this and if you google and read the countless other threads on MN and other sites that sound just like yours you'll know you're not alone! Oh he also told us that 90% grow out of their intolerance completely at varying stages from weaning to about 12 mths. It gets better. Apologies if I've repeated. Too tired to rtft

Reiterating what many others have said, sounds like cmpi & reflux.
You need to push your GP for Neocate and gaviscon - this keeps the milk down.
Omeprezole didn't work for us btw.
Hang in there, don't take no for an answer, and push for a referral if you don't get any joy from the GP

Sounds really tough op. It's probably her little tummy making her cry and you are doing all the right things. I'm not an expert on reflux but you must absolutely not blame yourself or your routine. It's digestion not lack of routine !

Do you have a health visitor/children's centre that you could speak to? If you feel your baby's discomfort due to illness/allergy, or that she really can't be soothed, keep pushing for help. Don't worry about being a pain or questioning your GP, there are times when people have to use health services a lot and helping a young baby is one of them.

it does sound like you are desperately searching for the 'right' routine that will click for your baby. This works for some but for some babies its more about trying to relax and be confident with a lack of routine in the early days. At nine weeks lots of babies just want to be held all day long, and that is perfectly natural. My ds was like this, I tried all sorts to get him to 'go down and sleep' and then when he was 15 weeks I just gave up and sat on the sofa for a week cuddling him. I remember the moment I finally bonded with him when he was about 17 weeks and he looked at me grinning and I felt it click. I wonder sometimes that if I hadn't slowed down to his pace that might have taken longer.

Keep going to baby groups, and don't be embarrassed. Isolation and sleep deprivation (yours) is a tough combination for a new mum. Probably in a few months your baby will be ace and the others will hit some difficulties and suddenly they'll be after your expertise…

We use an app called sound sleeper, it has a hairdryer sound that really helps LO to switch off and sleep. Also use it out and about in the pram.

We use an app called sound sleeper, it has a hairdryer sound that really helps LO to switch off and sleep. Also use it out and about in the pram.

When DD was colicky I used to wear earplugs. I still cuddled her, carried her and responded but it just took the edge of the dreadful screaming. Baby massage is virtually free. You tube if you can't face a class (I was that mother at Baby Yoga with the howling infant!), slings, talk to a BF counsellor if you're BF, try a new formula if FF, get any willing pair of hands to help, try white noise......

Omeprazole took about a month to work as did the Neocate. Also a lifesaver for us was Carobel which thickens the milk. You can buy it online or get it prescribed. The combination of those three worked for us but it really does just depend on the baby. My ds didn't sleep through until was 2.5 and I spent a lot if time trying to get him to nap. It is all worth it though, I love him to bits now he's a lovely three year old.
Can you see a different gp? Ask for a referral to a paediatrician. Don't let them fob you off!

I haven't read the whole tread but just wanted to say your definitely not alone

DD was a nap refuser and would crack up when we were out at the park/baby groups/lunch. You name it. I was a ball of anxiety and just felt useless. I used to look at other mums and their babies and wonder what I was doing so wrong.

About 12 weeks we sort of turned a corner and I really feel we're bonding and getting so much joy from her. We got help from a sleep consultant and we're seeing a dermatologist for her eczema. She's been on Neocate now for a few weeks for suspected food allergies. I don't know maybe the two are related but what i do know is it gets better. Also now I am more relaxed and confident I see that everyone else doesn't have "perfect" babies I just was so focus and worrying about DD I never noticed their babies cry before.

team I haven't gone into it in that much detail but I think that's a good idea. I'll do that tomorrow.

If nothing else I can take it to the GP so I can quantify how much of the day she spends crying!

muggins I know what you mean but if I don't try any sort of routine we don't get much further unfortunately. DD basically hates being cuddled I was very much a "go with the flow" kind of person and I only started looking into nap times, feed amounts etc when I first noticed how unsettled DD was at about week 3.

Interesting to read all the CMPI/reflux comments, I'd sort of ruled it out but maybe I need to try some other things first.

OP we were on fairy non bio and switched to ecover - worked, bizarrely! He has now developed eczema so that was definitely the problem. Even now if he gets in a tizz I strip him down - instant calm.

If you're using bio it may be worth simply switching to non bio and seeing if that helps at all.

My DS was exactly the same. He screamed almost all his waking moments and would only sleep if he was held. It was utterly hellish for 6 months and a bloody slog for the next 6. I got PND and so did my dh. I was convinced we'd made a terrible mistake. I certainly didn't bond with him for a very long time.

He'll be 2 in October, the hell eventually retreated and he's the sunniest, funniest little boy I could ever have wished for. Things got a bit better when he crawled, then again when he walked, and constantly get better as he talks the hind leg off anyone who stops to say hello!

Hang in there but take any and all offers of help. Babies who scream excessively take an enormous toll on your mental health and it's OK to need time away to keep yourself in one piece. The screaming will be all you can focus on but it feels different when it's not your baby and I bet you'll find someone who'll be willing to give you a break for half an hour, even if the little one screams the whole time.

Good luck. This will pass, but that's of little comfort when you're right in the thick of it.

Roasted did you DS develop eczema after switching from Fairy? Or do you think the Fairy caused it.

DD had a flare up at the weekend and I'm beginning to suspect Fairy...