Worried I haven't bonded with screaming baby

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My DD is 9 weeks old and I'm really struggling.

I was so naive, I really thought I'd enjoy the newborn phase (!) but I don't. She's a real screamer - not just the typical evening colic but on and off pretty much all day. Today I decided to time it and she has been crying for nearly four hours already - and we will probably get even more this evening...

As a result I'm not getting out and about much. I don't go to any baby groups as it's too embarrassing standing in the corner jiggling a red faced screaming baby while the other babies lay there gurgling happily. I'm dont really like to have old friends over to meet her - they all want to come over "for a cuddle", little do they know that DD is the least cuddly baby ever. Most days I go out for long lonely walks with the pram or sling, but that's about it.

I've been trying to be strong but today I just broke down in tears while DD was having another one of her screaming fits. I feel I hardly have any of those lovely special moments you are supposed to get with a new baby.

I'm so fed up and lonely and worried I'm going to start resenting her. I can't believe I'm writing this as its so awful but I'm starting to have moments where I wonder what the hell I've done. I definitely don't feel we've bonded at all.

Go to go, she's crying again. Did anyone else have this? Tell me it gets better??

troika thank you. It's just nice to know other people have been through the same. Six months though...wow. Not sure I knew what I was signing up for

Sat here with the hairdryer blasting , DD in a saddle, rocking like a maniac. She's fed, changed, hasn't slept for a decent amount of time since midday despite all the slinging, marching, bouncing, putting down and leaving I could muster. Based on the last few nights we've got at least three hours to go before she actually sleeps.

I thought babies were only meant to stay awake up to two hours at the absolute most?

Haha, swaddle not saddle...maybe I should try a saddle?

I had a screamer, I know just how you feel. One attempt at baby massage and I never went back. He cried constantly, I felt like I was being held hostage and could not think at all. Long walks with the baby in a sling are how I dealt with it too, that kept me sane.
I remember very vividly the first moment I felt proper love for him, that must have been at about 3 months.
He's a quick witted and clever 11 year old now. Not in the least laid back and gets emotional quickly.

Keep going, you have done 9 weeks so you are already coping really well.

Have you tried white noise? I bought a track and played it on my phone - it should be as loud as being next to a washing machine. DS1 had colic and would only sleep after crying for 10mins every time. Couldn't go anywhere quiet for 8 months! But white noise helped him - I even put the phone next to him in the pushchair to help him sleep there. I agree that for me getting baby to nap was key as they get overtired but it does sound like there might be a reason your dc won't sleep.

Also, how is night time sleep? I had the feeling of PND but I knew it would get better when sleep improved at night and I was right. for you

Thank you fa. I just feel so sad that I don't get to have a "normal" baby!! Did things start to get better for you at three months then? I've got both twelve weeks and thirteen weeks marked on the calendar and I cross off each day...

Funnily enough I had the same experience at baby massage! It was quite humiliating.

A couple of people asked abut reflux - she actually has most of the symptoms .(her crying peaks during and after feeds) and the GP prescribed omeprazole which doesn't seem to have worked. So now I feel guilty that I've medicated her for no reason.

It does get better. My DS screamed from 8 weeks to 3 months. You could set your watch by him - he'd wake up from his (29 minute) nap and I'd have 30 minutes of happy baby, then he would scream for hours. I spend days bouncing on an exercise ball, bouncing round the house, walking the streets... It was horrible. I cried every day so I completely understand what you say about not bonding. During that time, I felt I was looking after him because I had to, not because I wanted to.

At three months, he just stopped, almost overnight. With hindsight, he was probably overtired and all my bouncing, rocking, marching was probably stopping him getting to sleep rather than helping him. We started really regular nap times and put him down to sleep exactly an hour after he woke up, before he started showing signs of being sleepy and that really helped.

Now he is 10 months and is the most delightful, happy baby. Things will get better.

Definitely ask GP for another formula - the best cows milk free one is expensive so they won't try it first as they want to see if the cheaper one works....does she take a pacifier at all?

All I can say is it IS worth it. There were a number of times when I wanted to leave my DH to do it and just run away but I didn't and I'm so glad I lasted it out.

What area of the country are you in? Being able to make mummy friends helps but I completely know how hard that is

universal I tried white noise but it usually doesn't work, occasionally the hairdryer works. Good idea to put it in the pram though, I haven't thought of that and maybe the two combined would do something.

Night time sleep is the one saving grace...she often does 10/11 until 2 and then 2.30/3 until around. 5/6. Could be worse!

I'd consider reflux and push for ranitidine.
My dd was similar. It really does get you down. 12 weeks was a slight turning point

Friends of mine had a baby with milk allergy who cried the ENTIRE time that she was awake - the only time she slept was when she had exhausted herself through screaming. They were done in. It took a lot of persistence and some visits to a specialist who finally diagnosed the allergy, and they moved her onto a special prescription formula which was revolutionary - completely changed baby.
I would say keep hounding the GP for answers and assistance. That does sound like an unusually high level of crying and unusually hard to settle.

Also have a hug. You are doing a great job.

themums I think you have a point that all the bouncing might be a bit much - I suspect you're right. But today I tried putting her down for a nap an hour after she woke up (someone suggested it on another thread) and she just lay there wide awake for 20 minutes and then started crying, which escalated to proper screaming and I couldn't leave her any longer. I just don't know what else I can try as I'm sure a lack of sleep is part of the problem.

I hated the newborn phase with both of mine.
With ds1 I felt helpless and useless and hardly ever managed to get dressed or eat for 3 months. Then I went back to work and it got easier 😉
Then ds2 had reflux and screamed all night and my marriage nearly ended because dh slept in the spare room....
Loved them to bits as they got older but babies are definitively not my thing and that "instant" bonding doesn't always happen at all.

I found them much more fun from age 1 and now even more fun at 9 & 11

jamais I didn't even particularly like my job but I think every day how nice it would be to be back at work

I know how you feel, I've got 3 and all are totally different. DD1 was a screamer ... She never slept and I spent every day trying to settle her and every night .... All night .... Pacing up and down rocking her ... Only for her to wake up as soon I put her down :-(
DS2 was constantly hungry so was bound by that and finally DD3 (16weeks) is quite content but it's no wonder with the other 2 kids running riot🙈

I found baby yoga really helped to relax both me and baby... The more relaxed I am the more baby settles. Long pram walks are great ... Fresh air and motion, simple breathing exercises for relaxation and baby relaxing lullaby music for the little one And also bath time with lavender babybath.

It is incredibly difficult but your not alone ... Every baby is different and you will have ups and downs but it will get easier it's just a case of finding what works for you. Try speaking with your health visitor for extra support and don't be frightened of taking baby out, it can be stressful for you when baby's unsettled but people understand and most other parents will remember what it's like to have a little one Xx

I have an 8 week old screamer. He is on ranitidine and is getting milk for CMPI next time I go back to the GP (as the ranitidine hasn't helped)
My 3year old was the same and had silent reflux and CMPI. It took until he was 11 months before we got the right combination of meds/milk for him, hopefully it won't take that long this time. My poor 3 year old was sitting with his hands over his ears earlier to block out the screaming :-(
Aptimel pepti is not completely dairy free, as far as I know Neocate is the only formula that is completely dairy free (and £30 for a tiny tin which is why they don't like to give it out!) worth going back to your gp definitely. You are not alone though and if you are in Edinburgh we can go for a screamy baby walk together...

DD was a very difficult baby, and sounds quite similar to yours. In the end we worked out she has cmpi and reflux. She was prescribed neocate milk and ranitidine. After a week or so she was an entirely different baby!

I was worried about bonding, but now we are very well bonded. Bonding isn't always a flicked switch of instant love and happiness. Bonds grow over time, and looking back on those first few months, they were utterly shit in many ways, but in a way getting through that was the thing that bonded us most.

Try to push for different milk and meds. I also found swaddling and white noise helped.

You will get through this. Venting can also be very helpful. I bottled up lots of my worries and anxiety, then when it all exploded out, I actually started to feel a little better.

I was really worried that I was failing as a mother as DD was having so many issues. DH said something that really struck home... Being a "perfect" mother isn't about creating a "perfect" child. It's about the effort you put in. If you have done everything you can, then you are a "perfect" mum. I was getting so stressed and feeling like such a faliure every time DD screamed for hours, didn't nap, wouldn't feed, or failed to put on weight. But when I thought about the effort, time and love I was putting into it, and used that to "judge" myself, it did change my perspective. Ok, DD didn't transform into the "dream baby", but I certainly wasn't mentally beating myself up so much, and that did make a big difference.

The baby sounds over stimulated, at this age just being alive is about as much stimulation as a 9 week old can handle. I think all the rocking/bouncing etc is actually adding to the problem, it took me 2 children in to realise this though! Try putting her down for a nap earlier than you think she needs one, if she's red eyed or rubbing her face you've left if too long.
Make sure there are cues so she knows she's going to sleep, curtains closed, white noise and in my case window open for fresh air would always knock them out after a few minutes. She might protest and grizzle at first but they pick it up surprisingly quickly.
At this age she'll need to be having 3-4 naps a day. So maybe 9am, 11am, 1 and 3pm??

It's a tough stage. I remember saying to DH that DS must be really unhappy or hate me because he only didn't cry when he was asleep or feeding. The rest of the time he screamed. Fast forward a month or two and everyone was remarking on what a happy baby he was!

I totally sympathise because you feel you must be getting it all wrong, plus five minutes of a baby crying feels like ages so four hours feels like torture. But it does pass, honestly. I used to take DS out in the pram and listen to music/books on my headphones when it got too much, at least then I wouldn't have to listen to him (bad mummy but I only did that knowing he was fed and changed etc). I used to go to a really quiet woodland bit near me as well because I was embarrassed.

It goes get better, honestly. From about four months my DS was quite the ray of sunshine but prior to that he was such a screamer I thought he would explode.

Thanks 5minutes sorry you're going though this too!

Maybe you can help...DD had a choking incident a couple of weeks ago and stopped breathing. It was over an hour after a feed, she just suddenly brought up some mucusy stuff and started gagging on it. We took her to A and E and she was screaming so much they thought she had an infection but nothing showed up on the tests so they decided that together with all her other symptoms it was probably reflux.

BUT she's been on omeprazole for two weeks now and I've noticed no difference? So can it really be reflux?

Interesting about the pepti/neocate, I thought I'd heard something about that but not sure where. I guess I worry again that I'm barking up the wrong tree as her poos are sort of green ish but not the sort of thing others seem to experience (blood etc) and she has the occasional mild rash but nothing like eczema.

Obviously in an ideal world I'd be able to ask a HCP these questions but my
GP just said at her 7 week check that she'll grow out of it! And I don't really feel I can go back to A and E.

With DS, putting him in his cot for naps would also result in hours of red-faced, hysterical screaming. So at nap time I put him in his pram in a quiet room and rocked him to sleep - no singing, talking etc. He still naps in his pram now , although bizarrely he's absolutely fine in his cot at night and settles himself to sleep without a fuss. I agree with pp, if you see eye-rubbing, yawning etc. it's too late. We noticed such an improvement when he was getting enough sleep during the day.

so I'm a bit unsure what aptamil pepti is (I googled but couldn't find the difference between 1 & 2) but my daughter was exactly how you described and she had cows milk allergy. the thing that resonates with me was that you said when you first tried her on it there was an improvement but then it stopped - exactly the same happened with me, she tried nutramigen formula and I saw a difference for around 2 weeks then she went back to normal screaming then we saw a dietician, who prescribed us neocate, and that totally cured her.

Different meds work for different babies. The neocate and ranitidine combination is really worth pushing for. I was also told that DD would grow out of it, but we ended up in A&E and a doctor finally took us seriously and recommended the neocate-ranitidine combo.

DDs main symptom were screaming, in hindsight due to tummy cramps and reflux pain, not putting on weight and khaki coloured poo. A dietitian took one look at her poo and prescribed neocate!

How is your DD's weight gain?

This is totally random but we went through a phase like this with my little boy, only he would be happy and totally calm down if you stripped him down to his nappy. We worked out he had itchy skin due to our washing powder which was also stopping him sleeping. We changed washing powder and bingo - happy baby.

I guess it is hard to believe but honestly...I have tried all these things! I don't just dump her in the cot and expect her to sleep (although I have tried that too!)

Every day I think...today I'll crack it. So after an hour she goes in the sling...or the pram...or the car. I'm so paranoid about overstimulation that I don't speak to the poor thing for the first three hours of the day sometimes.

Sometimes, after a good hour or so of driving/pushing/walking, she will sleep. But she wakes up very soon after, and still cries for several hours over the course of the day. Honestly, I do try!!