Worried I haven't bonded with screaming baby

[PigletBank]

My DD is 9 weeks old and I'm really struggling.

I was so naive, I really thought I'd enjoy the newborn phase (!) but I don't. She's a real screamer - not just the typical evening colic but on and off pretty much all day. Today I decided to time it and she has been crying for nearly four hours already - and we will probably get even more this evening...

As a result I'm not getting out and about much. I don't go to any baby groups as it's too embarrassing standing in the corner jiggling a red faced screaming baby while the other babies lay there gurgling happily. I'm dont really like to have old friends over to meet her - they all want to come over "for a cuddle", little do they know that DD is the least cuddly baby ever. Most days I go out for long lonely walks with the pram or sling, but that's about it.

I've been trying to be strong but today I just broke down in tears while DD was having another one of her screaming fits. I feel I hardly have any of those lovely special moments you are supposed to get with a new baby.

I'm so fed up and lonely and worried I'm going to start resenting her. I can't believe I'm writing this as its so awful but I'm starting to have moments where I wonder what the hell I've done. I definitely don't feel we've bonded at all.

Go to go, she's crying again. Did anyone else have this? Tell me it gets better??

[PigletBank]

roasted thanks! We're already using the non bio and DD doesn't seem to have a rash, but I'll give it a go just in case. Have put a couple of clean sleep suits on a cycle with no washing powder so the fairy rinses out, is that enough or do I need to actually wash them with a different detergent?

It does see an unlikely culprit but I'll try anything!

[PigletBank]

bingle thanks - sounds tough. Did you ever find a reason for it?

We got her to sleep and now DH is doing a dream feed, the only time where she is actually calm!

[MumOnACornishFarm]

... basically whatever you need OP! This is so, so tough. Please remember to be kind to yourself, and to remind yourself that you're doing everything right.
My DS had awful reflux. We eventually switched him to formula at 4.5 months as I found it easier to give him infant gaviscon this way. I found that Tommy Tippee anti-colic bottle helped, as did a dummy (dummy haters can keep walking!) When he was inconsolable I would sit on the sofa, lay him tummy down over my legs, and gently rub his back. He would eventually fall asleep, and it was bliss. I would sonetimes get stuck there though, terrified if waking him, so I had to make sure I had a wee, and set myself up with DVD, water, tea and a kitkat before giving it a go! I also used Weleda tummy oil for massaging his tummy, sometimes it soothed him, sometimes it didn't. And our wrap sling was a blessing.

Hoping that things settle down for you both very soon.

[queenoftheboys]

I could have written this about DS1 15 years ago. He screamed day and night and hardly slept. We'd moved to a new town for DH's job just before he was born, so I had no friends or family for support - it was awful. Some days I felt like I hated DS and he'd ruined my life

I have a very clear memory of walking around the house with him screaming at 2am night after night, and once screaming into his face "just shut up!"

I didn't enjoy his first 10 weeks or so at all, just struggled through them. But after 10 weeks he gradually started to get better - screaming less, sleeping more; and by about 12, 14 weeks he was a different baby, and my whole attitude to him and life changed completely and I really enjoyed him.

Never found a reason, and 15 years later our rocky start hasn't damaged our relationship at all. I will say though that he's my least relaxed child even now - a bit uptight and driven. Maybe it's sometimes just a "personality" thing?

[Namechangenurseryconcerns]

Ah-I do feel your pain. As well as investigating the medication route I would have another go at getting her to sleep for reasonable nap times at any cost to try and get her rested and reset.
I know it's tiring but it may pay off. I used to drive to the macdonalds drive through and pray that the queue wasn't moving too slowly!
Also spent many nap times with her asleep on my lap settling her back off if she stirred (although that was when she was a bit older but similar principle).
Try again with the baby groups. Sadly there's not so many sure start ones now. I had a fantastic one where the volunteers would hold dd and one was even magical at getting her to sleep which made me feel simultaneously grateful and inadequate!

[PigletBank]

mum I know what you mean about being stuck once she falls asleep, she once fell asleep on me when I was half naked in bed and I didn't move for an hour! And yes I love dummies! We have many, some of which will soothe DD for approximately 6 minutes

queen thank you for your story, I can really relate. You've given me hope as DD will be ten weeks this weekend...an improvement now would be great.

namechange yes I will keep trying, although I do feel that this way madness lies! But 45-60 mins after she wakes tomorrow I'll be off doing something to get her to sleep, thinking tomorrow it will be the pram.

I found that going to baby groups has just made me more upset in the past Obviously babies cry but I think people are genuinely alarmed and shocked at the sort of red faced screaming meltdowns DD has at least daily - she sometimes screams so hard that no sound is coming out and she chokes. I would look a bit odd in that situation if I just left her to it and made small talk with other mums!!

[UniversalTruth]

At this age I tried to view baby groups as somewhere I could get a cheap cup of tea made for me and maybe a quick chat with another adult. If I spent most of the time outside the door trying to get a screaming baby to nap then so be it! Was good to have somewhere to get out the house for iyswim

[Cantstopsmiling37]

Poor you! The newborn phase is crap!! You just have to do whatever you can to get through it before it gets to the wonderful bit. And it really will be wonderful - I promise.
Echo what everyone else has said. Sounds like she has digestive issues and is also overtired, but bear in mind that around 3 months is usually a turning point. My 3rd has just turned 13weeks and although sensible napping is still a distant dream she isn't crying all day.
Be kind to yourself - its not you! Some babies just cry - my son didn't but the other two did (do in DD2s case)

[PigletBank]

cantstop maybe it's a girl thing?! Glad you're out the other side. I'm so hoping things will get better for us at 13 weeks.

[Annarose2014]

OP for what it's worth we were put on Aptimel Pepti at 9 wks but after 4 more weeks it hadn't really worked.

Luckily we had a GP who was happy to switch to Neocate. That worked great. We didn't have bloody poo or eczema or anything, just hideous lower gastric distress. Poo was very very acidic smelling and pretty green though.

So it's worth a try! Only thing is that it's utterly rank so we mixed a few drops of vanilla extract in for the first couple of weeks then reduced it gradually to none. He guzzled it straight for well over a year. Now at 19 months we find he's outgrown it and can drink cows milk no problem.

[3boys3dogshelp]

Op I can completely relate. After 2 average babies I thought I had the newborn stage sorted until ds 3 arrived. He screamed day and night for weeks and weeks. He had frequent green runny poos and a red bottom (not nappy rash - just like a red ring round his anus) and an occasional rash on his tummy. He wasn't sick as often as his big brother used to be but would cry for a feed then scream after. He also grew well according to HV. He was much skinnier than his brothers though.
He was and is CMPI and soya intolerant. Neocate was the only formula which helped at all, coupled with me cutting out all dairy and soya as I kept feeding him.
Just like you I thought he wasn't that bad so it couldn't be CMPI. Just like you I got fobbed off at first by the dr with crappy Nutramigen which didn't help. I'm pretty sure I was depressed too. One day I'd had enough, got an emergency appt with the go and said I wasn't doing it anymore! She referred him. The paed took one look at his bum and said CMPI after about 20 secs of the appt!
It took a while to get him to chill out even once he stopped having dairy - we were both exhausted with some bad habits of him wanting to be 'on' me but then getting too hot and wanting some space.
Get some Neocate, raise the head end of the pram a bit and get out and walk. Don't overthink it, when she's comfy she'll find her own routine and ways to settle. Trying to teach her to self settle if she has tummy ache is a sure fire way to make you both miserable(been there, failed at that ). If you can possibly drag yourself there do try to get to groups. I didn't go to much with ds3 and I really regret it now. All babies cry, I promise all the other mums are just thanking their lucky stars it's there turn to drink their tea while it's still warm, not judging you.
It took me a long time to bond but now he is 2 and he is fabulous 😄😄😄.
Stick with it, and if you're not getting help, get stroppy! for you.

[maamalady]

Oh OP, it is hard. DD2 is 15 weeks and I'm finally starting to like her. For the first twelve weeks or so she was just a screaming, puking monster, and I really struggled to warm to her. The screaming lessened a bit between weeks 8-12, but was still making me angry and stressed for much of the day (no fun for DD1 aged two either).

This week she's suddenly become very smiley and it makes a massive difference. Hang on in there, this too shall pass and all that.

[Tippytoes13]

My DS2 was like his, my mum took me to the doctor once because I just couldn't cope, I didn't have PND, it was the lack of sleep and circumstances that made me feel so depressed. He never slept day or night, cried all the time, the only time he seemed content was when he fell asleep on me and if I dared put him down, it would all start again. I think the fact he was over tired all the time, played a big part and also I didn't have a proper latch when he was breast feeding, so he would fill up on all the fore milk, which in return made him constantly windy and in discomfort and still hungry. The midwifes weren't that helpful at the time, we sussed it out, but I never had a great latch with him, which did make things difficult for both of us. It will get better in time, it hard hard, also make sure your partner/husband helps you as much as possible when he's home too, that was a life saver for me

[MollyBloomYes]

Huge sympathy to you my first baby was a screamer. I was on my knees, his sleep was very similar!

Turns out he has a tongue tie. He hugely turned a corner when he had a bottle rather than breast as it was easier to feed from. The poor boy had been starving for six months! I know you're already using bottles but sometimes they can affect feeding too.

As far as I was aware apatmil pepti is lactose free not dairy free, very different things. Go and nag your GP!

And hang in there, it's bloody awful at times but my difficult baby is now a fantastic two year old who I love the bones of so the bond will come!

[MollyBloomYes]

Sorry, wasn't clear: tongue tie can affect bottle feeding too. Not as common so you'd have to fight to be checked but definitely can be an issue

[PigletBank]

Thanks for all the comments. Interesting to hear about the CMPI stories, maybe this is the cause. I'm just wary of getting my hopes up that there might be a "solution" out there!

anna out of interest did your DS still have green poos on aptamil pepti? DD's are often sort of khaki coloured, but sometimes they're yellow.

I just called the health visitor but I don't think I'll get anywhere there. She just said its normal and had lots of suggestions but nothing I haven't tried already. The problem is I have to be a bit careful now as I'm so fed up I think I can be a bit snappy and it's hard not to be insulted when people ask questions like "do you check if she has a wet nappy?" !!!! But I know she was just doing her job.

Is 5 hours crying a day really normal..?

[Timetogrowup2016]

No its not normal.

Keep going back. It's unfair on you and your baby to keep going through this.
Film her when she has a screaming fit and show them it. That really shocked my hv

[3boys3dogshelp]

Lots of crying can be be normal for some babies, but 5 hours crying a day is not average. HCPs can be a bit dismissive of first time mums - you know your baby, just keep pestering until they realise that you won't go away without some answers. You sound like you're doing so well.

[DubiousCredentials]

Could you not just phone GP and say the milk prescribed isn't doing the trick and could you try xxxxxx (whatever was mentioned up thread). I wouldn't bother with the health visitor on this type of issue.

[PigletBank]

3boys thank you at the moment I feel low but I'm surviving...I do worry about another however many weeks though.

I did just eat two doughnuts as well, which helped.

I've got a GP appointment this afternoon...

[3boys3dogshelp]

Donuts will help, eat the donuts!! hope you get somewhere this afternoon. Maybe try asking for Neocate for a trial?

[Annarose2014]

Yeah piglet it's a bit fuzzy now but I don't think the poos really improved that much. Cos I remember being really disappointed and quite nervous going back to the GP after 4 weeks in case he was dismissive and just wanted to keep me on the AP.

I remember being really unsure of my own opinion around that time cos I wasn't sure if I was expecting too much improvement?

Luckily my GP had a little boy with cmpi so he said "Ok you've given it 4 weeks, let's try the Neocate as it may not be even cows milk, it may be soy or wheat etc and only Neocate has absolutely nothing in it". And I remember being really dubious the Neocate would work either tbh.

But it worked within about 10 days.

To this day I say that DS had cmpi but tbh I actually don't know exactly what was upsetting his tummy. We never went for investigations cos the Neocate sorted it.

Now I have to add though that my lad never had colic or reflux so I really can't add to any of that. It was obvious from his squirming that it was down low rather than up high where the pain was.

[TeamEponine]

Hope things go/went well at the GPs OP and that you now have some Neocate and ranitidine to trial.

[Fleurchamp]

OP I don't have much to add - I could have written your post.

My DS had only 3 settings to begin with - sleeping (rare), feeding (BF and constantly attached, or so it seemed) and screaming. He definitely screamed for more than 4 hours per day.

I remember my mum telling me I was exaggerating - so she came to stay. The next morning she took me to my GP as she was convinced there must be something wrong with DS. They thought silent reflux and he was given gaviscon which did not a lot.

I went to baby groups etc but invariably left early and in tears. No one understood - not even the other new mums. DS just cried. All the time.

To get him to sleep I had to push him in the car seat attachment of the pram or carry him in the sling. This went on for 6 months. Eventually I could get him to sleep in the seat part of the travel system by rocking him in the hall with white noise on. The only good point was that all the walking helped me to loose the baby weight!

6 months was a massive turning point for us, which is just as well as I was almost at breaking point. Now I have a gorgeous 1 yr old who naps in his cot!!!! I never thought I would see the day.

Massive hugs to you. If you are in London, give me a shout - I will happily meet up