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would you report this person and how could I go about doing it!?

401 replies

sammyjayneex · 11/05/2016 18:25

So we live in a culdesac and my children play out on the street. I check on them every 5-10 mins.
My 9 year old told me when I brought her in for tea that this van ( looks like it's some form of transport for dropping Off the elderly or disabled children to their homes) and he was dropping off this lady ( I think she's a member of staff he must work with as she wears a badge but I can't quite catch where she works) in one of the houses opposite to us. My daughter said she was stood with her friend and he started talking to them and they turned around and said something along the lines of 'your in trouble you, or are you in trouble or stay out of trouble you' something along those lines, my daughter didn't quite catch it because he said of and drove off. Now to me this is unacceptable, approaching young girls, making unpleasant remarks and driving off. She said she just ignored him. I've told her she should never talk to strangers and she should come straight to me as soon as it happens instead of ages after. I have seen this van plenty of times. One time a man made a Comment towards me whilst I was walking down the street, I ignored him and put him down to being a rude sad man, but now he's made comments towards my daughter I'm fuming and want to report him but there isn't any company name on the van. It's just a van with Windows. I was thinking of waiting tomorrow afternoon for the van to come up and taking is reg number or approaching myself and asking him who the hell he thinks he is!

OP posts:
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blinkowl · 13/05/2016 09:59

"' saying "smile" or "cheer up" is just like saying "hello" or "good morning/afternoon/evening" or even just politely smiling at someone. "

That's bollocks.

Now I'm too old and fat to be harassed by arsehole men in the street, none of the nice people who say hello who genuinely mean it ever say "cheer up love" or similar.

If someone says "hello" to me it's got a chance of being a nice greeting. If someone says "cheer up" it would make me want to say "fuck off".

When I was young and got daily harassment from men in the street, they would often say "cheer up love" (when they weren't commenting on my boobs or my appearance or saying inappropriate things). I have been told to cheer up hundreds of times by men, Never once, not once, by a woman in the street. It's not "hello". It's intrusive, said by men to - often younger - women and they fuck off.

And it doesn't matter what they say - men speaking to young girls in the street is not appropriate. It's not appropriate because there is a culture of men harrassing women and girls - even very young girls - and even if that specific man doesn't perceive he is doing this, it is not appropriate to normalise older men talking to unaccompanied young girls, it make the world less safe for the girls.

Men harassing girls in the street is a very real occurrence. As is sexual abuse. And no I'm not accusing that specific man int he van of sexual abuse, or imagining peados in the bushes. But our culture is one in which it is sadly very common indeed for teenage girls and women to be sexually assualted and raped - just look at the many threads on this where most female posters have experienced some form of abuse or harassment. Normalising men speaking to young girls in the street is normalising the behaviour of leery men who do this with dodgy intentions, and there are lots of them - the kind of men who speak to 9 year olds may not be interested in the 9 year olds per say, but they are often the same kind of men who would try to get me to stop and speak with them or even go off with them when I was on my way home from school as a teenager, or who would say inappropriate things to me about my boobs and appearance. Normalising contact between strangers and girls in the street is not OK.

Anyone who doesn't get this is either a man - and the nice men often don't have any idea of the sheer scale of harrassment girls and young women experience as it's so common we often don't bother to mention it - or women who grew up in areas with a small enough population for it not to be such an issue.

Or - people just want a row. If so can you please fuck off back to AIBU, and leave the rest of mumsnet for those of us who like to have a conversation that isn't about piling on the OP, yet again. [yawn]

blinkowl · 13/05/2016 09:59

*That should say they can fuck off!!

I wish they would!

FattyNinjaOwl · 13/05/2016 09:59

It was said in passing. I say stuff to kids I don't know. I tell them "careful" and smile at them if they get under my feet, or I will say "alright trouble" if they grin at me, like lots of children do. There's nothing wrong with speaking to kids

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lottielou7 · 13/05/2016 10:04

Well I most certainly don't. And I would be concerned if a stranger spoke to my children for no clear reason.

FattyNinjaOwl · 13/05/2016 10:04

And blink

teenage girls and women to be sexually assualted and raped - just look at the many threads on this where most female posters have experienced some form of abuse or harassment

Read this thread again. I have fucking been there. It destroyed my life. Angry i don't just want an argument and I certainly am not a man. I am just pointing out that this man did nothing wrong. At all. And your paranoia will not help. Telling children that the bad man is out there is ridiculous. Women are just as likely to be a threat to our children. A comment said in passing is not a reason to get angry.

sammyjayneex · 13/05/2016 10:06

I'm glad some people on this thread see where I'm coming from. Yes why should I be constantly happy smiley to please someone else? Strangers know nothing about what's going on in my life yet they feel entitled to tell me to smile and be happy because they want to see people happy? That day I was minding my own business. Probably tired and not really in the mood to walk the long way it takes to get to the shopping centre where I live, i wasn't miserable as such. He probably thought he was funny but he just sounded like an entries immature get.

Also my daughter told me about the comment when I called in her for tea... Which wasn't that long after the comments. Also she didn't get exactly what he said because he was talking fast.. Too fast for a child to even understand by the sounds of it. So not only does he make a pointless comment, he doesn't even say it slowly enough for children to understand so that tells me he's not out to be friendly. He's just sad with nothing else better to do but annoy people

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sammyjayneex · 13/05/2016 10:07

Oh and if a woman did say that to my child I would also find it immature and weird. But like PP said, it's mostly men that do these types of things. I wouldn't dare approach young children I don't know saying random things to them or shout out of my car window (if I drove, which I don't) to a man or a woman asking them to smile. It's just chavvy and immature

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FattyNinjaOwl · 13/05/2016 10:09

But sammy even if he was just trying to be annoying (which I don't think he was) why would you need to start this thread and report him to someone? He didn't do anything wrong. Annoying to you, maybe, but nothing wrong. Lots of things are annoying to different people. It doesn't mean we want to report them to someone because they bugged us. That's life. Not everything will go your way.

FattyNinjaOwl · 13/05/2016 10:12

And it's not chavvy and immature to approach a random man and ask him "who the hell he thinks he is" Hmm Grin OK.

sammyjayneex · 13/05/2016 10:19

I wanted to report him to his place of work not the police or anything like that (unless he did or says anything else more sinister or concerning) Mainly because I believe he can't just go round approaching young children. He's not respecting the children or the children's parents. If I was with my child outside and he said it, it wouldn't bother me because i was present and I would just see it as him having a laugh with the both of us and being friendly but no parents where out there so Therefore he stepped over a line in my eyes making comments to children under 16 without an adult Present. It's appears to me he works for a service that drops people off so surely he has to adhere to some sort of standards and rules. This isn't just a man. He's working and he's doing this whilst working. It makes you nervous to allow your kids out because it makes you wonder what else he can say to them. I live on a culdesac and I can see the kids from the window so i should be able to let them play out without the worry of strange men approaching them chatting to them without my presence. I'm shocked at how many people think that this is ok. I won't report him right now but I'll be keeping an eye on this and I will stand by my gate discreetly if I see the van next time and see if he talks to my daughter or any other child again. It's not good to live in naivety.

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TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 13/05/2016 10:20

LOL the world is officially bonkers. Those who agree with the op dot even get the happiness thing and think it's all about everyone else.

Are you lot really that daft?

Question for you: when you do something to make your kids/parents/partner/friends smile or encourage happiness in them, are you doing it A. Purely because you want them to smile for your own selfish reasons because you're some kind of strange species the rest of us aren't yet aware of or B. Because you want them to feel good,smile and be happy?

Talking to people you don't know is not chavvy and immature. Being a total idiot can be though.

What is the world coming to when it's apparently wrong to talk to anyone you don't know?

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 13/05/2016 10:22

Op,it's you who is naive,not us!

Disrespectful to you? By talking to your daughter? LMFAO. Seriously,get a grip.

A man should never say anything to a child under the age of 16 without an adult present?

Flaming 'feminists' and the destruction for society...

FattyNinjaOwl · 13/05/2016 10:24

triptrap clearly they don't see it that way.
sammy but what is reporting him to work going to achieve? He did nothing wrong
And if you're nervous about letting children play out you need to get your paranoia in check and not pass it on to your child.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 13/05/2016 10:26

It's sad Ninja

FattyNinjaOwl · 13/05/2016 10:27

Oh and if we never speak to people we don't know how are we supposed to make friends? Or meet a partner? Etc...

Ricardian · 13/05/2016 10:36

Therefore he stepped over a line in my eyes making comments to children under 16 without an adult Present.

Jesus Christ.

blinkowl · 13/05/2016 10:37

FattyNinjaOwl I am sorry to hear about your experiences Flowers

I am not saying that people like the man in the van are potential rapists. I'm sorry if that was not clear.

I am saying we live in a culture where it is sadly very very common - not from strangers but from people we know.

And that men harassing women and girls on the street is part of that culture of entitlement. I am not saying all men harassing girls on the street are potential rapists. But that kind of harassment is part of a bigger picture where men act as if women exist for their pleasure, not human beings to treat with respect.

This is not about paranoia. I did not imagine being harassed every single day I was out on the streets of London going about my daily business as a teen. That really happened. It was my real. lived experience, and is the experience of most girls growing up in cities.

Most of those men probably thought they were doing nothing wrong, "only saying hello". But did they say hello to young lads? Not they didn't. They singled me out as a young girl. Some of them did say inappropriate things. Some were dangerousy creepy. A few tried to get me to go off with them, or accept money for sex. (I was 14 the first time I was offered money for sex. I was standing at a bus stop in the middle of the day, wearing combat trousers and a t-shirt. I did not look like a working girl. And I told him I was only 14. He still tried to make me go with him). A few tried to get me to get into their cars / vans.

Older men speaking to young girls on the street is simply not appropriate. It normalises older men taking to young girls in the street, and what decent man would want to do that?

If they are both in a play park together, and a father speaks to a non-related child in a friendly way, that's a normal, nice interaction.

A man in a van speaking to unaccompanied girls on the street is not appropriate. Not at all.

sammyjayneex · 13/05/2016 10:38

Fatty your last scenario is irrelevant because a GROWN man has no purpose in making friends with a 9 year old girl

And I'm not paranoid, I just don't like my daughter or any other child for that matter being approached by a sad immature man telling them to stay out of trouble and driving off. The most pointless thing ever. Maybe he needs to find himself some adult friends.

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PortiaCastis · 13/05/2016 10:39

Pointless yes that about sums things up

MTPurse · 13/05/2016 10:44

Last year I was going into my local shop and there was a child sat on her bike outside crying (probably 10 or 11) She was crying as her trousers we caught in her bike chain, it was in a right tangle she could not ride her bike or get off it.

I tried to help her but it was stuck fast. I asked a man (another stranger, as none of us knew each other or the child) if he could physically lift her up whilst I undone the tangled trousers from the chain. It took a while but we managed it eventually, The child still shocked went on her way, and I remember clearly the man saying 'be careful now' no more getting into trouble' We continued into the shop.

Just as I was at the checkout, the girl appeared with her Mum and pointed at me, I thought oh god i'm in trouble. The mother walked over to me and thanked me Shock she also asked me where my husband was so she could thank him. I explained he was also a stranger and she went to find him in the shop and thank him too Shock Shock.

sammyjayneex · 13/05/2016 10:48

MTpurse

That's different, the child was in trouble

This man wasn't helping my child.

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Natsku · 13/05/2016 10:50

People shouldn't talk to unaccompanied under 16s? Bloody hell! I talk to strange children whenever I see them, whether their parents are with them or not because I'm a friendly person and children usually enjoy being talked to. Thankfully parents aren't paranoid here so no one is going to report me. And I don't mind strangers talking to my DD, not even scary men!

sammyjayneex · 13/05/2016 10:52

Well natsku maybe you actually say hello to the children. This man just wanted to shout stupid pointless comments out of his Window to young girls who couldn't been understand him and were left confused. Big difference

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MTPurse · 13/05/2016 10:53

Maybe he was helping with teaching your child some social skills as obviously that has passed you by?

Have you spoken to your dd's friends Mum to ask what she thought of this 'incident' as she was there also?

Natsku · 13/05/2016 10:55

Sometimes I talk to children in a language they don't understand and there's no freaking out about that.

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