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Should I report Parents to Social services?

117 replies

user1462959192 · 11/05/2016 11:19

My Stepson and his wife are the most useless parents I have ever known.
Girl 11, Boy 8

Despite trying for years they(parents) have not changed at all.

Am I over reacting? This is a letter I was going to give them, it's about the same as the others we have sent or spoken to them about, but they ignore them.

The children say you Watch TV all the time when the kids are home, they hate it as you have an 18 rated Game of Thrones program on all the time they shouldn't be watching age 18 programs, so the kids then go upstairs because they hate the program

They say at weekends they do nothing and you just watch TV or go on play Station

It is NOT appropriate to leave small children downstairs alone with a dog in the house, in fact even without the animal as it is classed as child neglect

At weekends or in fact any day, it isn't OK to get up at 9,10,11,12,1pm, they are too young to organise themselves and it is very dangerous.

Children and their life.

Get up before the children and organise their day, uniform, food, things for school, also classed as neglect if you don't.

The school has a website and an App for everything going on at the school, yet you ignore it

X missed out on a Guides night in the woods when the FB page clearly stated where to go.

Ensure their time at school is made easier by making sure they turn up smart in ironed clothes and with all the things needed for the school day. Today and most days they look liked tramps and have food all over their clothes. There shoes are a disgrace.

Ensure they aren't late for school. Their late attendance is appalling, because you are still in bed and the school is 50 yards away

Ensure they get the most from school by allowing them to partake in all after school activities, It is NOT your job to constantly forget to send back forms or kids miss a meal because you forgot to pay

When we collect the kids and their spare clothes, 99% of the time it is wet or damp. There is no excuse as you have a huge garden with plenty of room to hang clothes out.

You refused to attend the last parents evening, which is appalling, so we got the school to ring you

Feed them correctly. A tin of soup is hardly a meal for a growing child, they are often hungry and custard isn't pudding. On the day of Xmas sales You was still in bed at 11, the kids hadn't had breakfast AGAIN,

Ensure a balanced diet, processed frozen food isn't a balanced diet, they tell us they have never had potato, carrots and gravy or a Sunday type dinner at your house.

Ensure the kids are taught about responsibility, for say their room, their things, their life

Ensure they go to bed at a reasonable time and that isn't 9.30pm for a 7-year-old or even later in some cases.

X is 7 and can't even tie his shoes, which shows how much help they aren't given as most 5 year olds can tie their shoes, So we taught him, He goes backwards in his learning during the week when at home then we teach him over the weekends to bring him back up to speed

Another example of lack of help is X spelling is the same level as 4 year old, Big List 1. So in a week we taught her and X and they went up 5 levels

Did you know your kids love to learn and often ask us to give them types of homework

You 100% cannot let your kids go to the park on their own.

Where are X's school shoes? She has gone the whole week wearing non school shoes, why haven't you even bothered to look for them, after all they were in the living room. The thing is you have no idea how they are dressed when they go to school as you are in bed, They say you wave out of the bedroom window to them, Just wtf are you doing in bed at 9am?

Name me one place you have taken the kids since you moved, In fact name me any place the both of you have taken them for fun, I bet that's on less than one hand

She screams like a lunatic at the slightest thing and you do nothing, she even screamed at a frog, it's a frog, yet this never happens at ours probably because you will “cuddle her” She clings on to everyone which could get her in big trouble, when she goes to big school she will be instantly bullied for being fat, dopey and clingy

Your Home:

It is your job to ensure a clean and tidy home for your kids to enjoy, instead of the tip it is.

Not their job to walk through dog and cat piss and shit in the mornings or be scared to wake you, which is outrageous. In fact, they are so scared of you they have never woken you up.

All children love their friends coming round to play, one of X & X's friends live next door to you yet has never visited and vice versa

It is your job to ensure the kids are kept entertained and pointed in the right direction in life, if that's homework, playing with others helping them with x//y/z then so be it. Not just sat in front of a play station

Children like bedrooms that are a great place to play, theirs did look like a drug addicts room, lifeless and no furniture with the floor covered in “crap”. In fact your room is no better,.

The back room downstairs is obviously a dumping ground. The rats will love that rubbish.

It looks like the house hasn't been hoovered for a month.

Even on X after we had kids for the weekend, you still hadn't been arsed to make their beds or hoover up, the place is still a tip

What the kids say

Does mummy tell you to stop sucking your thumb or picking your nose or teeth, NO

So what books does mummy read to you?
“she isn't that sort of mum”

What bedtime stories does she read to you
X “Grandma don't be silly”

I guess homework is easy because your mum and dad helps a lot
“ erm Grandad they never helps us”

Did you enjoy guides?
“I loved it, but mummy won't let me go I know she won’t” and she was right, you should be ashamed to tell her that ½ mile is too far to walk. So one Monday night she missed out on Skating.

So go on tell me the games you play with Mummy?
“She doesn't play with us, she's not that sort of mum”

X are you looking forward to the party? “Yes grandma as I have never been to a party before”, at age 8 & 11 we would have expected the kids to have been in many weekend team/games/sports and to many parties etc, yet they have been or done none at all.

How does mummy help you with reading and school work? They both just laughed.

X, how was Taikwando, “Grandad she never sent the form back again and I wanted to go, she never sends any forms back so we don't do anything all my friends do” he then cried.

Kids did you make mummy and daddy Xmas cards?, no didn't know we should. Did you get cards off mummy and daddy, they both cried.

X birthday, she wanted a bowling party, did she get one? Of course not

Your kids are bored out of their heads because you can't be bothered.

An amazing fact for kids age 8 & 11, they have never had a sleep over, they have NO friends outside of school, they have never taken part in a sport or activity, the only people they play with are each other.

Sometimes you even fall asleep on the settee (they told us) and haven't fed them at 7pm which is a disgrace being as you aren't at work

Your kids think it's their fault you had to go to the police station after social services intervention and you told them to lie if anyone asked, you actually said that they should say everything is OK. As far as we know it was X's mother that started it, maybe you should tell them whose fault it was.

You went to work on a Friday and missed the nativity play that both your children were in, The play started at 1.30 so there is no excuse as your train was a lot later, you just wanted to go to wherever instead of encouraging and seeing your children.

You have never ring up to see how they are, or if you do they can't be bothered to speak to you or X,which says something,

Hubby came home on a Thursday and both of you never even bothered to come and see the kids, which about sums up how little interest you both have in them.

You couldn't even be arsed to buy her first bra, so we did

Update

The house is an utter disgrace, with dog shit stinking the place out, get rid of the pets now

Your kids think the way they act is normal as you give them no guidance at all

Once again they stayed here and you just chucked some clothes into a plastic bag

Most of Xs's clothes don't fit him, not a single thing had been ironed

You need the carpets professionally cleaned as they are a disgrace.

Despite the previous warnings, almost nothing has happened regarding the kids welfare.

They are banned from taking their books home as they keep losing them at home!!!!! That is as bad as losing Xs school shoes when they were in your living room.

Once again nothing is ironed and half their clothes don't fit.

They still continually argue with each other and us, they have no idea this is wrong, as you never correct them.

I feel utterly sorry for the dog and the cats continue to piss over all the clothes, get rid of them.

We spend most of our time, trying to put right the things that you two have never taught your children.

Bedtime, WE take them to bed each night and they are read a story, you don't ever, even when they were 4 years old, so they never clean their teeth or get washed as you don't go upstairs, they then play games with each other often staying up late in the bedroom, you have no idea as you don't check, that’s why they are late for school.

They can play games with each other staying in their own bedrooms AT BEDTIME as they use signals and you never check on them, so they get away with it.

We have had the kids for a week and you or X never rang then once, what an utter disgrace.

back to normal at not caring, as X missed Beavers. Despite it only being 6pm, you should have taken him as it's a 5 minute walk.

house stinks of cat pee again. No wonder you don't want people to come round to your house. How can you be married for 10+ years yet not have any bedroom furniture or even a dining table?

It is almost 2 years since you came to X and you have never taken the kids anywhere except the shops and you shop at the most expensive shop there is, what's wrong with using online shopping? Where it is a lot cheaper?

X missed his end of the season Zorba party, despite you having the details and X paying for it. So we didn't remind you as that isn't our job, we did this on purpose to see if you would organise them, which we knew you wouldn't and have been proven correct.

They still have no interest in anything at all. They are the only kids we know that have no hobbies or interests.

Why is it they almost never have breakfast?

It was the kids science fair and just for a change you couldn't be arsed to go,

They both had a week to practice their experiments, of course you never helped during the whole week, so they were rubbish. It was obvious other parents had helped their kids.

They both argue continually and even did it at the science fair in front of their teachers and X. They never accept they are wrong because they have NO guidance.

It is your job to get them to bring home their PE kit each Friday, they almost never do.

You have no idea what they look like when they go to school as you are in bed, they don’t wash or clean their teeth ever

X has needed new trainers for 2 weeks, bet you never noticed.

X never brought his homework home for a whole year, you never said a thing

I believe it's time we took serious action as this cannot continue

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
HeteronormativeHaybales · 12/05/2016 13:54

(OT but I did a double take at gandalf's comment that her 11 (!) and 7yo 'aren't confident pouring milk' - from the sublime to the ridiculous!)

OP - I do think the children sound neglected, and I am inclined to group the 'non-participation in normal childhood life' aspects of this in a reasonably serious category - not as bad as the animal faeces etc, obviously, but damaging in its way. I think these children do need outside intervention. But your letter is extremely self-righteous and hectoring and I agree with others' comments that your fixation on the sort of things you perhaps generationally consider right-and-proper and hence essential (ironing, gravy dinners) is clouding and threatening to obscure the real issues. For the sake of your sgc, please try to be a bit more mature and less vindictive about the way you voice your concerns.

Lpel · 12/05/2016 13:55

Tell Social Services. You sound very caring and supportive and it must upset you a lot to see your DGC being neglected.

AndNowItsSeven · 12/05/2016 14:05

Yabu , they do not meet the thresholds for neglect. Even being left alone at age 8 in 11 for short periods is not inappropriate.
Parents sound like they need support both from you if you can bring yourself to stop being so judgemental and from family support organisation.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou · 12/05/2016 14:26

He doesn't sounds caring and supportive. This is how he talks about his wifes grandaughter: when she goes to big school she will be instantly bullied for being fat, dopey and clingy
Why are people praising this man as a wonderful influence?

corythatwas · 12/05/2016 14:40

Agree with AndTake. And that is before we start looking at how, on his own evidence, they talk to the grandchildren. Constantly quizzing them about how their parents don't do this or don't do that is going to be damaging. This is not how it should be done: this is someone who cares far more about his hatred for the stepson + wife than about actually helping the children.

I agree with squizita that it sounds as if both parents and grandparents are dysfunctional and have little idea about how to meet the needs of these children. There is no need to take sides here. The fact that their parents are almost certainly damaging them in one way doesn't mean the grandparents can't be damaging them in another.

Asking if they didn't know they should make Christmas cards for their parents is sheer goading. The person who asked that wanted to make them unhappy.

squizita · 12/05/2016 14:49

Why are people praising this man as a wonderful influence?

Narrative theory. No, seriously - it's how montages work.

You see a baddie/bad parent ... the person opposing them must be the goodie.

Not just a slightly less bad parent or differently bad parent. Which is the far more common real life situation. Very sad for the kids Sad because it's true the parents sound dreadful but emotionally this guy sounds a mess.

LogicalThinking · 12/05/2016 15:25

You sound very caring and supportive
I must have missed the caring and supportive comments in amongst the judgemental criticism.

Natsku · 12/05/2016 15:35

The letter actually reminds me of the letter my DD's grandparents (my ex-in laws) wrote to SS about my supposed terrible parenting though this letter is a lot more ranty than theirs was (though they had the cheek to finish it up with a request that the social workers 'give' DD to them). Not all reports are done by caring people.

squizita · 12/05/2016 15:43

Natsku what is most worrying is one of the first people to swallow the good guy/bad guy narrative intimated they worked in CP. No wonder the system is a mess. Frying pan/fire springs to mind.

CustardForPudding · 12/05/2016 16:32

I agree with most of the PPs - some of this is neglect/bad parenting, some is nitpicking, some is plain odd.
I feel quite reassured that other people don't iron. And I have adopted a new username Smile

Mrskeats · 12/05/2016 16:54

Jeez
this is a serious issue about possible neglect
And yet people think its its so hilarious and results in super new user names
I'm out

HalfpintPixie · 12/05/2016 17:05

You sound like a bit of a nightmare op, that letter does you no favours.
I agree with others that it does sound like these kids' parents might need guidance on how to best care for their kids, but that doesn't mean it's your place to dictate exactly how they should be raised.

Some of your words raised as many red flags as the things you are describing. The 'fat, dopey and clingy' comment surprised me, why were those the first adjectives that came to mind when you think of your granddaughter?

I don't think you are able to seperate your negative feelings about your stepson and his wife from your concerns about their children, maybe you should chat with another family member and ask for their perspective, and let them make the call to SS or cp on the children's behalf.

CustardForPudding · 12/05/2016 17:05

I didn't mean to make light of the genuine problems that exist in this family. As PPs have pointed out, not all of the OP's list of failings are of real concern and some of us are guilty of a few of the same crimes - like not ironing or serving up substandard puddings.

Zoomtothespoon · 12/05/2016 17:22

I believe that sound of it is downright lazy and neglectful but some is nit picking (which I imagine is easy to do as you are so exasperated)

In an ideal world, What do you want the social services to do?

If I were in your situation this is what I would do:

  1. offer to have the children for a week whilst they sort the house out (including sorting the house out myself if it were that bad) financially are you in a position to pay for a cleaner to come once per week on the condition they keep the house in an acceptable condition?

  2. find out if they want to actually even keep their pets- arrange for them to be re homed if not (fit a cat/dog flap so the animals can go outside to go to the toilet?) flee and worm them

  3. get the parents to give the school permission for you to be the point of contact- form filling in etc

  4. try to get to the bottom of why they're always in bed. Do they have a drinking/drug problem? Depression? Are they working etc

  5. arrange to have the children 2-3 times a week after school (if practically possible) and have a friend each over for tea once a week

  6. teach the children some basic chores/ personal responsibility- they could put their own clothes in the wash and hang them up to dry- if ironed clothes are really that important to you then do it yourself- if they don't even remove animal shit from the house they won't be removing creases from school shirts.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not excusing them and saying that you should continue to do everything for them but I'm just wondering if they're perhaps in a bit of a vicious cycle and some heavy temporary support may help them to overcome this?

I would only do this if I felt I wanted the children to stay with the family and if they had to potential to improve but I don't believe you can just give them a list telling them why they're piece of shit parents and expect them to change. Help them for a while and see if there's any different in 3-6 months... If there's not then maybe tip off social services

corythatwas · 12/05/2016 17:24

Mrskeats, this is a serious issue about possible neglect. It is also a serious issue about possible emotional abuse by the grandparents. The one does not exclude the other.

What some posters have tried to bring home to the OP is that some of his concerns (and quizzing of the grandchildren) are not appropriate. And that the tone adopted about the parents is completely inappropriate, whatever their failings.

apple1992 · 12/05/2016 17:31

You need to phone social services, it sounds like the parents need educating and supporting.

I wouldn't send the letter - if anything, if you want to take it to the parents I would write an ordered list as your post was hard to read.

What support is already in place, and what was offered/done when reported to SS before?

Zoomtothespoon · 12/05/2016 17:35

Sorry just to add, the reason I feel you could try to help them for a while (if possible) is because.....

I suffered from very ill health as a teenager, was in an abusive relationship, fell pregnant and became a single parent all before I was 20. My sons dad was an emotionally abusive bully who made me feel like I wanted to throw myself in front of a train. I was so emotionally exhausted from working and the commute, the sheer agony of the disability my ill health left with me and the continuous and seemingly never ending deep deep emotional and verbal abuse I was suffering and severe loneliness I had as a very young, skint single working mum with a disability just that I fell into a very deep depression and all I could manage in life was the bare basics.

Whilst my son was loved, fed and relatively clean, his clothes weren't perfect, he wasn't bathed every night, his meals weren't all home made, I was too exhausted to take him on trips out and my flat was an absolute tip (I was still only 20-21 by this point) instead of offering the support I needed, my mum used to just tell me what a piece of shit parent I was the whole time. No support, no help, just constant criticism of what I was doing wrong (to the point of not putting enough juice/too much juice in the mix/ giving him juice all together/ being a martyr and mean for not giving him juice- nit picking just for the sake of having something else to make me feel bad about)

Had a have received the support I needed at the time- help with looking after my son, support, positive re inforcement, help looking after my flat, help with washing and drying clothes things would have improved much quicker than they did.

Unfortunately that wasn't the case and I eventually had a near on complete break down and walked out on my job

It was only meeting my lovely partner who I have now and gaining more confidence through him that things improved.

So please just try this instead of just giving them a list

BurnTheBlackSuit · 12/05/2016 17:53

From the letter it is very hard to work out if (a) the children are suffering from terrible neglect and living unloved lives in a dirty home or (b) they are normal children with normal parents who have a dog who once pooed on the floor, were once late for school because they overslept and whose parents don't really like after school activities and parties or (c) somewhere on the vast spectrum inbetween.

corythatwas · 12/05/2016 18:00

apple, would you really suggest taking an ordered list of all the things the OP has written down here?

including that letting an 8yo and an 11yo be downstairs on their own counts as neglect?

that you have to read bedtime stories to 11yos (or even 8yos)

that an 11yo without learning difficulties should still have help with reading or ought to find homework really easy because mummy helps a lot

that you 100% cannot let children of this age go to the park

that children must make their parents Christmas cards and it is right to make them feel awkward about their home life if this doesn't happen

that if an 11yo's school shoes are in the living room it is the parent's fault if she does not wear them to school

It does seem as if the parents need help parenting. But I am not sure this OP is the right person to help them.

corythatwas · 12/05/2016 18:02

The way I read it the parents are pretty clueless and probably neglectful, and the grandparents have a very unhealthy way of babying the children and try to get them to say as many negative things about their parents as they possibly can. Both damaging in their own way.

LIZS · 12/05/2016 18:08

Not all of what you state is neglect. Is X 7 or 8 , you say both. Shoelaces are not done as early as in past for example, since the invention of Velcro and they aren't too young to make the odd breakfast at weekends and sort out uniform etc. I think you need to focus on the really important things like health and safety. That list was way too long for me to follow let alone a less receptive audience. Are there any SN or MH issues or maybe addictions? Some of this will already be evident at school so you may as well report to ss.

apple1992 · 12/05/2016 18:18

apple, would you really suggest taking an ordered list of all the things the OP has written down here?
Tp be honest I didn't read the whole list as it was hard to read!! I agree plenty of the list is unnecessary!

corythatwas · 12/05/2016 18:33

it's not just unnecessary: the picture it paints of the grandparents quizzing the preteen grandchild on games mummy plays with them sounds positively unhealthy

Janey50 · 12/05/2016 19:23

ShockShockShock

apple1992 · 12/05/2016 20:23

Cory - I just opened it on laptop as hurts my eyes to read that much on phone.

Half of the criticisms sound a bit malicious and OTT. By a list I was meaning like this - factual:

Poor supervision at home

Rocking up at school with food over their clothes. ‘Shoes a disgrace’ – depends what is meant by this. Are they falling apart? Ill-fitting clothes. ‘Cat piss on clothes’. Are these children attending school smelling of wee?

Not washing enough or brushing teeth

Poor attendance and punctuality

Poor diet, regularly missing breakfast.

Unstructured/late bed times

Not having correct uniform

Dirty house, chaotic mess. Dog and cat mess and rubbish.

The family sound quite isolated.

Children being told to lie to SS (if this is true)

Children being regularly cared for by relatives, and parents showing little interest

Watching 18 rated TV shows

I can think of several families like this - children in school in smelly, dirty, ill fitting clothes; shoes falling apart, not having had breakfast but food on face from previous day, parents not engaging at all, no boundaries.. Makes me feel so sad.