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Should I report Parents to Social services?

117 replies

user1462959192 · 11/05/2016 11:19

My Stepson and his wife are the most useless parents I have ever known.
Girl 11, Boy 8

Despite trying for years they(parents) have not changed at all.

Am I over reacting? This is a letter I was going to give them, it's about the same as the others we have sent or spoken to them about, but they ignore them.

The children say you Watch TV all the time when the kids are home, they hate it as you have an 18 rated Game of Thrones program on all the time they shouldn't be watching age 18 programs, so the kids then go upstairs because they hate the program

They say at weekends they do nothing and you just watch TV or go on play Station

It is NOT appropriate to leave small children downstairs alone with a dog in the house, in fact even without the animal as it is classed as child neglect

At weekends or in fact any day, it isn't OK to get up at 9,10,11,12,1pm, they are too young to organise themselves and it is very dangerous.

Children and their life.

Get up before the children and organise their day, uniform, food, things for school, also classed as neglect if you don't.

The school has a website and an App for everything going on at the school, yet you ignore it

X missed out on a Guides night in the woods when the FB page clearly stated where to go.

Ensure their time at school is made easier by making sure they turn up smart in ironed clothes and with all the things needed for the school day. Today and most days they look liked tramps and have food all over their clothes. There shoes are a disgrace.

Ensure they aren't late for school. Their late attendance is appalling, because you are still in bed and the school is 50 yards away

Ensure they get the most from school by allowing them to partake in all after school activities, It is NOT your job to constantly forget to send back forms or kids miss a meal because you forgot to pay

When we collect the kids and their spare clothes, 99% of the time it is wet or damp. There is no excuse as you have a huge garden with plenty of room to hang clothes out.

You refused to attend the last parents evening, which is appalling, so we got the school to ring you

Feed them correctly. A tin of soup is hardly a meal for a growing child, they are often hungry and custard isn't pudding. On the day of Xmas sales You was still in bed at 11, the kids hadn't had breakfast AGAIN,

Ensure a balanced diet, processed frozen food isn't a balanced diet, they tell us they have never had potato, carrots and gravy or a Sunday type dinner at your house.

Ensure the kids are taught about responsibility, for say their room, their things, their life

Ensure they go to bed at a reasonable time and that isn't 9.30pm for a 7-year-old or even later in some cases.

X is 7 and can't even tie his shoes, which shows how much help they aren't given as most 5 year olds can tie their shoes, So we taught him, He goes backwards in his learning during the week when at home then we teach him over the weekends to bring him back up to speed

Another example of lack of help is X spelling is the same level as 4 year old, Big List 1. So in a week we taught her and X and they went up 5 levels

Did you know your kids love to learn and often ask us to give them types of homework

You 100% cannot let your kids go to the park on their own.

Where are X's school shoes? She has gone the whole week wearing non school shoes, why haven't you even bothered to look for them, after all they were in the living room. The thing is you have no idea how they are dressed when they go to school as you are in bed, They say you wave out of the bedroom window to them, Just wtf are you doing in bed at 9am?

Name me one place you have taken the kids since you moved, In fact name me any place the both of you have taken them for fun, I bet that's on less than one hand

She screams like a lunatic at the slightest thing and you do nothing, she even screamed at a frog, it's a frog, yet this never happens at ours probably because you will “cuddle her” She clings on to everyone which could get her in big trouble, when she goes to big school she will be instantly bullied for being fat, dopey and clingy

Your Home:

It is your job to ensure a clean and tidy home for your kids to enjoy, instead of the tip it is.

Not their job to walk through dog and cat piss and shit in the mornings or be scared to wake you, which is outrageous. In fact, they are so scared of you they have never woken you up.

All children love their friends coming round to play, one of X & X's friends live next door to you yet has never visited and vice versa

It is your job to ensure the kids are kept entertained and pointed in the right direction in life, if that's homework, playing with others helping them with x//y/z then so be it. Not just sat in front of a play station

Children like bedrooms that are a great place to play, theirs did look like a drug addicts room, lifeless and no furniture with the floor covered in “crap”. In fact your room is no better,.

The back room downstairs is obviously a dumping ground. The rats will love that rubbish.

It looks like the house hasn't been hoovered for a month.

Even on X after we had kids for the weekend, you still hadn't been arsed to make their beds or hoover up, the place is still a tip

What the kids say

Does mummy tell you to stop sucking your thumb or picking your nose or teeth, NO

So what books does mummy read to you?
“she isn't that sort of mum”

What bedtime stories does she read to you
X “Grandma don't be silly”

I guess homework is easy because your mum and dad helps a lot
“ erm Grandad they never helps us”

Did you enjoy guides?
“I loved it, but mummy won't let me go I know she won’t” and she was right, you should be ashamed to tell her that ½ mile is too far to walk. So one Monday night she missed out on Skating.

So go on tell me the games you play with Mummy?
“She doesn't play with us, she's not that sort of mum”

X are you looking forward to the party? “Yes grandma as I have never been to a party before”, at age 8 & 11 we would have expected the kids to have been in many weekend team/games/sports and to many parties etc, yet they have been or done none at all.

How does mummy help you with reading and school work? They both just laughed.

X, how was Taikwando, “Grandad she never sent the form back again and I wanted to go, she never sends any forms back so we don't do anything all my friends do” he then cried.

Kids did you make mummy and daddy Xmas cards?, no didn't know we should. Did you get cards off mummy and daddy, they both cried.

X birthday, she wanted a bowling party, did she get one? Of course not

Your kids are bored out of their heads because you can't be bothered.

An amazing fact for kids age 8 & 11, they have never had a sleep over, they have NO friends outside of school, they have never taken part in a sport or activity, the only people they play with are each other.

Sometimes you even fall asleep on the settee (they told us) and haven't fed them at 7pm which is a disgrace being as you aren't at work

Your kids think it's their fault you had to go to the police station after social services intervention and you told them to lie if anyone asked, you actually said that they should say everything is OK. As far as we know it was X's mother that started it, maybe you should tell them whose fault it was.

You went to work on a Friday and missed the nativity play that both your children were in, The play started at 1.30 so there is no excuse as your train was a lot later, you just wanted to go to wherever instead of encouraging and seeing your children.

You have never ring up to see how they are, or if you do they can't be bothered to speak to you or X,which says something,

Hubby came home on a Thursday and both of you never even bothered to come and see the kids, which about sums up how little interest you both have in them.

You couldn't even be arsed to buy her first bra, so we did

Update

The house is an utter disgrace, with dog shit stinking the place out, get rid of the pets now

Your kids think the way they act is normal as you give them no guidance at all

Once again they stayed here and you just chucked some clothes into a plastic bag

Most of Xs's clothes don't fit him, not a single thing had been ironed

You need the carpets professionally cleaned as they are a disgrace.

Despite the previous warnings, almost nothing has happened regarding the kids welfare.

They are banned from taking their books home as they keep losing them at home!!!!! That is as bad as losing Xs school shoes when they were in your living room.

Once again nothing is ironed and half their clothes don't fit.

They still continually argue with each other and us, they have no idea this is wrong, as you never correct them.

I feel utterly sorry for the dog and the cats continue to piss over all the clothes, get rid of them.

We spend most of our time, trying to put right the things that you two have never taught your children.

Bedtime, WE take them to bed each night and they are read a story, you don't ever, even when they were 4 years old, so they never clean their teeth or get washed as you don't go upstairs, they then play games with each other often staying up late in the bedroom, you have no idea as you don't check, that’s why they are late for school.

They can play games with each other staying in their own bedrooms AT BEDTIME as they use signals and you never check on them, so they get away with it.

We have had the kids for a week and you or X never rang then once, what an utter disgrace.

back to normal at not caring, as X missed Beavers. Despite it only being 6pm, you should have taken him as it's a 5 minute walk.

house stinks of cat pee again. No wonder you don't want people to come round to your house. How can you be married for 10+ years yet not have any bedroom furniture or even a dining table?

It is almost 2 years since you came to X and you have never taken the kids anywhere except the shops and you shop at the most expensive shop there is, what's wrong with using online shopping? Where it is a lot cheaper?

X missed his end of the season Zorba party, despite you having the details and X paying for it. So we didn't remind you as that isn't our job, we did this on purpose to see if you would organise them, which we knew you wouldn't and have been proven correct.

They still have no interest in anything at all. They are the only kids we know that have no hobbies or interests.

Why is it they almost never have breakfast?

It was the kids science fair and just for a change you couldn't be arsed to go,

They both had a week to practice their experiments, of course you never helped during the whole week, so they were rubbish. It was obvious other parents had helped their kids.

They both argue continually and even did it at the science fair in front of their teachers and X. They never accept they are wrong because they have NO guidance.

It is your job to get them to bring home their PE kit each Friday, they almost never do.

You have no idea what they look like when they go to school as you are in bed, they don’t wash or clean their teeth ever

X has needed new trainers for 2 weeks, bet you never noticed.

X never brought his homework home for a whole year, you never said a thing

I believe it's time we took serious action as this cannot continue

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
squizita · 11/05/2016 15:01

Pixie I didn't even realise you HAD to give pudding. Better shut down the local school and daycare, they give a blood apple. Grin

ElectroStallion · 11/05/2016 15:02

You need to separate out the things that are just 'differences in parenting' and things that are neglect, of which there are several.
Then you need to call SS.
No child should have a home with animal faeces on the floor (or human!)
Children need appropriately fitting clothes, a varied diet, sensible boundaries.
I'm fairly sure school will have raised concerns with SS.
Are you in a position to take the children?

fightingschoolbattles · 11/05/2016 15:19

You need to seperate the no roast dinner, un ironed clothes, sucking thumb and not getting the party they wanted from them living in animal feaces and clothing that is filthy and doesn't fit.
An 11 and 8 year old can make their own breakfast without it being dangerous although of course they should be up before lunch to do it.

'X missed his end of the season Zorba party, despite you having the details and X paying for it. So we didn't remind you as that isn't our job, we did this on purpose to see if you would organise them, which we knew you wouldn't and have been proven correct.'

This pissed me off. I wouldn't punish my grandchild by letting them miss fun to prove a point to their parents :(

They do sound neglectful but you need to separate the crap from the genuine neglect.

Sending them this letter is pointless.
They either can't cope or don't give a shit. Either way the letter won't do anything.

Remove the petty rubbish and report the real neglect.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

soap34 · 11/05/2016 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squizita · 11/05/2016 15:35

TBH if the OP cannot see the difference it might explain why their step-DC doesn't know what to prioritise in parenting. As in, if they grew up not being allowed to be downstairs age 10, they'd have zero idea about age appropriateness and might veer the other way (have an uncle/cousins just like this) etc.

titchy · 11/05/2016 15:44

Not that it makes a difference but this is a stepFATHER posting.

Natsku · 11/05/2016 15:48

Good point squizita

OP scrap that letter, its full of nonsense, and contact SS with the actual concerning details - animal excrement on the floor, dirty and ill-fitting clothing, and school lateness/absence. Those are the only ones that SS will be interested in and the rest of the stuff just makes you seem like you are trying to cause trouble for them.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 11/05/2016 15:56

OP, that letter makes you sound like a 'lunatic'. Not your step granddaughter who apparently screams like one if she she's a frog - "it's a frog". And? Get a blinking grip. What awful parents to produce a child who screams over a frog. Never go near an arachnaphobe or similar...

The problem with your letter is that a lot of it is stuff that either doesn't fall under neglect or is just plain stupidity on your part. Not going to parties is neglect?! An 8 or 11 year old child being downstairs on their own is neglect and downright dangerous?! Absolutely bonkers.

If you pass on information like that all the nonsense will just make anything genuine look like a pile of exaggerated nonsense.

I already think it is, because if the actual neglectful bits were genuine you wouldn't need to add such stupid comments to your concerns

LogicalThinking · 11/05/2016 16:03

It's difficult to know if there is a genuine problem here or you just don't like your stepson and his wife. Your post contains a mixture of hateful and pointless judgements and some very concerning things. However, your judgement is awful and your rant is no nasty that it is difficult to work out if the genuinely bad stuff is actually real.

There is absolutely no point in sending that letter. It's horrible and would achieve nothing. By all means go and talk to the school or SS, but work through your post and just pick out the genuine welfare issues, and remove anything that is just your disapproval. And remember that they will take your report and make their own decision on what to do with it. They won't feed any information back to you.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 11/05/2016 16:04

They do sound neglected.

Cut the list to four key points.

Custard is a pudding.

MrsA2 · 11/05/2016 21:30

Lots of useful previous posts here. There are some concerning elements, definitely. But they are massively clouded by the frankly ludicrous list you've written - no having roast dinners with gravy, not ironing clothes. Elements of this sound like my very poorly informed but highly opinionated PILs...! I'd suggest approaching the school first, they will have a much clearer view as to whether there is a problem here or just a difference of opinion.

OhtoblazeswithElvira · 11/05/2016 21:42

I think any school would have intervened long ago.

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou · 12/05/2016 12:21

If you read it carefully only about 5% of all that is of real concern, and because of the rest I'd be wondering if the OP was either exaggerating or making up those bits too. OP says the children are scared of their parents, but then he also thinks that an 11 year old making their own breakfast or being alone in a room is neglect, so can we trust them on such things?
Perhaps the family is just bumbling along ok, not perfect, could do better, but with terribly judgemental, interfering and OTT grandparents?

LunaLoveg00d · 12/05/2016 12:29

Some of the stuff about the parents not getting out of bed and the children having poor attendance at school is a huge worry. As is the house being a tip and teeth not being brushed.

However, I completely disagree with a lot of it, my 7 year old can't tie his shoelaces and I let him and his sister who is almost 11 go to the park alone. That's not neglect.

I can hear you have genuine concerns but you have to condense those down into the crux of the matter - you believe the children aren't fed properly and that the parents are neglecting them.

Writing a huge long letter which just comes across as ranty, poorly spelled and accusatory is just going to get their backs up.

squizita · 12/05/2016 12:41

Thank goodness they have you as grandparents

Soap interesting summary from someone I take to be a SS or CP professional.

What about check before making judgements? You'd check the house of course based on this.

But I'm not sure many would be jumping up at this letter as a sign of a stable, balanced and skilled grandparent.

To me it tells a much sadder potential story:
-parents are not coping
-grandparents = possible emotional and/or psychological issues and poor relationship with parents.

Thank goodness things like this are reported.
Doesn't mean the reporters are always angels or expert parents (indeed often very much not so - especially for example in custody battles).

mouldycheesefan · 12/05/2016 12:49

Very sad.

The kids are lucky to have you looking out for them. Research shows that having just one person who cares about them can make a massive difference to a child and their future prospects. ❤️ is there any way the kids could live with you?

Good luck and huge respect to you for all you do for these poor kids

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou · 12/05/2016 12:55

Really? I'm surprised anyone could read all that and see OP as praiseworthy and a good influence. It's not a positive for children to have grandparents who clearly loathe their parents and hate everything about them, or who write such crazy letters to them.

JanTheJam · 12/05/2016 13:14

I think you sound like a judgemental loon.

Questioning not ironing, custard for pudding and not making a roast dinner makes me not trust your side of the story at all. I wonder what your DIL would say.

If, if, there are genuine complaints amidst the nonsense then of course contact SS!

squizita · 12/05/2016 13:15

is there any way the kids could live with you?

Hmm this letter doesn't really portray them as a stable and supportive environment though.

The stuff about squealing at a frog and being bullied is emotionally odd.
Strange rants about supermarkets and ironing.
The idea that 10 year olds cannot be downstairs alone.

Better than the parents yes, but really not ideal!

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 12/05/2016 13:29

I think the picture that the OP builds up, on the whole, is a convincing depiction of neglect. It's cumulative. Leaving a child on their own downstairs may be no big deal, but the OP is obviously imagining that child downstairs on their own morning, noon and night, with a parent who doesn't even say good morning to them, let alone see they're up and ready for the day (of course this is neglectful), help with homework, provide a square meal at tea-time - all things that diligent parents do and neglectful parents don't.

There is a fair bit of parental nonsense mixed in but I think that's to be expected, really. This is a private individual talking, not a social worker. Their valid concerns are merged with personal frustration and opinions about what the recipients of the letter should do - most parents think their grown-up children should do what they themselves would do. It does weaken the letter but it doesn't remove the real picture of neglect that comes through.

As a grandparent, it would be very difficult to remain impartial and objective about everything when there is clearly some cause for real concern. What grandparent is going to feel anything but concern if their grandchildren don't eat well, aren't helped with schoolwork, are socially unsupported, have poor attendance due to no parent getting up with them in the mornings and have to live in a home with animal faeces lying around? It's got to be stressful and distressing to imagine children you care about having to live like this while the parent plays play station.

Mrskeats · 12/05/2016 13:32

Blimey some very mean responses
I think the gravy thing is about suggesting there is not a lot of cooking going on ie lots of rubbish being eaten
There are lots of things here that are very bad for kids
I agree re cut this down to the important stuff and involve social services
They won't respond to a letter

corythatwas · 12/05/2016 13:32

I can see that some of these things are bad, OP (the cat pee, thefailure to pay for meals, the low attendance).

Unfortunately, you seem to have very little understanding of what a normal healthy 11yo (or 8yo) should be able to do, so your comments come across as part hysterical and part completely lunatic.

Just to explain a few things:

it is normal for an 11yo to make their own way to school and to go out shopping or to the cinema or to the park with friends in their spare time. it is normal for them to spend more time in their rooms or outside than interacting with their parents. 11yos can and should cope with a fair amount of responsibility. So any hysteria about them being alone downstairs is just going to make you sound very odd.

It is also normal to expect them to make their lunch sandwiches, remember their own PE kit, be responsible for remembering homework (after a certain amount of prodding), be responsible for their own hygiene and entertain themselves for a lot of the time.

And I imagine very few people read bedtime stories for an 11yo: I used to love it but got sacked from the job by both dc long before that age.

it is also normal to expect an 8yo to be able to go downstairs and not get into trouble. By this age, my ds (who is mildly dyspraxic and has a joint condition) was making his own toast in the morning and generally sorting himself out for breakfast.

The following things are completely non-compulsory when it comes to good parenting:

giving your dc bowling parties- never gave mine a party at a venue all my life, they were not neglected, just didn't get everything

having Sunday roasts- lots of people don't like them and there is no evidence that they are particularly good for you

sleepovers- lots of parents don't do them; we did but as far as I am concerned they are one of life's extras

I do feel some concern for these children, but I think the way you speak to them, and your lack of understanding, might be adding to the damage. Watching over children their age to the point where they are not even allowed to be up or downstairs without adult supervision could also be damaging. It also seems to me that you keep interrogating them about their parents and telling them that everything they do is wrong: even if they do require intervention this is a damaging way to do it, and not the way a skilled SW would set about it.

corythatwas · 12/05/2016 13:35

I can see what PP are saying about the build-up of neglect and they have a good point. But I still feel the OP is adding to this by the way he talks to the gc: how can that possibly be good for them?

If they are neglected (and there is good reason to think so) what they need in their lives is not another person who doesn't understand their real needs, but a sane balanced individual who can help them tactfully and thoughtfully.

GingerIvy · 12/05/2016 13:35

Good God, OP. You're a scary piece of work. A normal grandparent would be supportive and helpful. You seem more controlling and more than ever-so-slightly deranged. I don't think the children would be any better off with you. The parents may need to step up a bit, but frankly after reading that letter, I would think the letter was a deliberate attempt to cause problems.

squizita · 12/05/2016 13:41

If they are neglected (and there is good reason to think so) what they need in their lives is not another person who doesn't understand their real needs, but a sane balanced individual who can help them tactfully and thoughtfully.

THIS!
There's a temptation to think "bad parents = person who notices must be good" but that's our human tendency to create stories.

Sadly what often happens is "bad parents, noticed by other not-quite-as-bad dysfunctional person"...

Especially happens online - people mistake criticising one for supporting the other and think it must be like a see-saw/black-and-white.

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