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Original poster

Feel like I'm single parenting

28 replies

Birdmummy40 · 26/04/2016 16:01

Help! Our son is nearly 6 and a half and my husband is like the absent parent. From day one he has left the parenting to me, wouldn't help with night feeds, had very little input. He doesn't spend any 'boy' time with our son except for taking him out on his bike for half an hour once every couple of months. If I ask my husband to spend time with our son, he acts like he's doing me a favour, like he's baby sitting someone else's child. My husband is very into cycling and goes out both days of the weekend leaving me to do the childcare. We don't have family holidays because he says he can't afford to take the time off work yet has just been to Majorca for 10 days with his cycling club. The thing is - while he was away, life was much less stressful and much more simple. Now he's back I feel like I wish he'd go away again. Don't get me wrong I love my husband very much, he provides for us but I feel like life would be simpler on my own with our son. He is not a family man, can anyone give me any advice as to how to make him see this. Our son needs him but he's so wrapped up in his work and his cycling it's like we come bottom of the pile.

OP posts:
Bluecarrot · 26/04/2016 16:07

How is he with handling finances? Housework? Garden work etc? Do you do everything other than physically go out and earn money?

I had been a single mum for 10 years (and I'm glad I did it alone) but being the sole sorter-of-everything is bloody hard.

justforthisonce · 26/04/2016 16:11

you are being insulting to single parents with your thread title. you are married and you mention he works so you are not the sole bread winner and sole carer. Please do not compare yourself to one.

Original poster
Birdmummy40 · 26/04/2016 16:23

He's not the sole bread winner no, I run my own business and it wasn't my intention to insult single parents. Gees this is my first post on here, I though us mums were supposed to support each other?

OP posts:

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megletthesecond · 26/04/2016 16:26

If you've spoken to him about it and he won't change then LTB. He's meant to actually parent not bugger off on biking hols.

AndNowItsSeven · 26/04/2016 16:27

Op I don't think you are being insulting to single parents. I think your dh needs to grow up and start parenting his ds.

megletthesecond · 26/04/2016 16:29

And I say that as an exhausted 7yrs totally single parent. XP never wanted to get stuck in so I called his bluff on it. He was abusive too but getting him to actually parent was like blood out of a stone.

justforthisonce · 26/04/2016 16:32

andnowits, I don't disagree ops husband needs to shape up but it is insulting to say that absent parenting and single parenting is the same

Bluecarrot · 26/04/2016 16:33

OP people here will say what they think.

I wouldn't say I was offended but having another adult at home, an extra income etc makes it easier than being alone.

Have you talked to him about how you feel and what your expectations are? Can you start a hobby over the weekend so he has to have some 1:1 time with your son?

outymcoutymyself · 26/04/2016 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NapQueen · 26/04/2016 16:45

I dont think your title is insulting. Ive no doubt single parenthood is one of the most challenging situations. But having a parent around who actively opts out of family life surely must be even lonlier. Frankly how you can still love this man when he treats you and your son like this is beyond me.

Id make steps to separate

outymcoutymyself · 26/04/2016 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

idontlikealdi · 26/04/2016 16:53

Christ op is not saying she's a single parent, she's saying her prat of a DH is opting out of parenting and she feels like she is. You can't say anything here anymore without someone jumping on itConfused

justforthisonce · 26/04/2016 16:58

idontikeit she is saying she feels like a single parent! Read the title. Unless OP has experience of being a single parent then she has no right to compare the two.

nAPqueen how can you even compare the lonliness of having a disengaged partner with having no support in any way at all

Totally out of order to bring single parents into it.

outymcoutymyself · 26/04/2016 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

314inTheSky · 26/04/2016 17:02

Well, altho it can be insulting when people with a bank account full of two incomes say this..... the most miserable and resentful i ever felt was before i left.
those feelings were hard. They do count.
If you can see that at least you would feel less resentful as a single parent then consider splitting up.

mrsmeerkat · 26/04/2016 17:03

I don't think op was trying to insult anyone here.

If he is spending two days each weekend away from you both and refusing holiday time I do think there is no love there op. I mean that you might actually be better off away from him xx

314inTheSky · 26/04/2016 17:04

What i mean is i hate when people in a happy marriage say this because their h works away.

But my heart goes out to anybody grappling the big decision about whether or not they might as well be a single parent. I felt worse in the run up to leaving.

Backingvocals · 26/04/2016 17:08

She's emotionally and physically alone. That's akin to many single parents. I am one and I have no problem with the title. She's not financially alone but nor are some LPs.

OP I think your situation sounds crap. I couldn't love a man who had no interest in engaging with his family or even going on holiday with you. I'd be calling it a day unless DP decides to be a parent. Angry for you.

mrsmeerkat · 26/04/2016 17:08

It is totally different when it is someone whining because their other half works away. I can't help feeling how lonely it is for op to know she has a partner who actively chooses to be apart from them- deliberately.

314inTheSky · 26/04/2016 17:09

Ps, and the loneliestvi ever felt was with my xh is the bed next to me.

It can be less lonely to just be alone. There is integrity in that. And it helps.
Also people offer more support if you are known to be alone. If u r alone there is space for friends in the same boat. Less effort put in to the appearance of being a family that works.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 26/04/2016 17:12

Oh FGS I'm a single parent and I'm not insulted by the title.

OP don't be put off posting. I know exactly what you mean. In some ways it's better to be an actual single parent as you don't have the simmering resentment of being the one to shoulder everything whilst the other just swoops in for the bits they like.

And you will have time to concentrate on your DC without worrying about your relationship with DH.

And you will ironically get more free time if he stays with his dad once a fortnight.

But finances are a problem so work out if you can be solvent and then take it from there.

waterrat · 26/04/2016 17:19

Why not have some counselling to consider whether you want to stay with him.

It's not just about his relationship to the child is it? Putting his cycling time over family holidays means he is not committing to you either.

waterrat · 26/04/2016 17:19

And as this isn't AIBU anyone who doesn't want to offer support should back off.

314inTheSky · 26/04/2016 17:24

Yes. People need to see that OP is figuring out important shit. Feeling like a single parent in a relationship often comes before a decision id guess

BearGryllsHasaBigRope · 26/04/2016 17:26

You're not being insulting to single parents. Just before I left DS1s dad, he had been away for a long weekend. During that time I realised I could do it by myself, and so I did. Sometimes you need a bit of a reality check like that to make you realise that you can't just stay put any more.

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