Becoming a mum, what you wish you'd known...

[chillthefXXkout]

I am currently pregnant with our much wanted first baby, and feel like I am entering the great unknown. I'm both excited and very unsure of what to expect! I know my life is about to change. Several people in RL have told me that the early months really took them by surprise which sounds a bit....ominous.

So, what would you lovely ladies go back and tell yourself when you were expecting your first? I'm looking for the good, the bad and the ugly, and any tips for surviving the bad/ugly are welcome

Be selfish for a bit. In the last few weeks of pregnancy enjoy doing what you want to do as far as possible- whether that's seeing friends, having some quality time with DP, going shopping/to the cinema or whatever. (No matter how amazing your baby is you will not get much time to indulge yourself for a while- certainly not without feeling anxious/guilty about leaving baby). Make it clear to your family (preferably before the birth) that in the first few weeks after baby is born make it clear that what you want and say goes (no matter how unreasonable they may think you are being). Your parents/PIL have had their child and now it's your turn, so if you want to just be alone with DP and DC for a bit they need to let you. But if they offer to help you with cleaning/cooking etc and you want the help it's fine to take it without feeling lazy. You have enough on with a new baby and your own hormones without trying to think about the needs of others.

I wish someone had told me this so I had not spent weeks around the birth of DC1 feeling like a tourist attraction as various family members trotted in and out!

That you may feel like Superwoman after having the baby! That people WILL tell you their birth/feeding/sleep stories about their kids - regardless of where you are. That people lie about their baby sleeping (don't get me started) when you feel so tired you could fall asleep on a washing line! That you cope with sleep deprivation! That your baby will think you are ace and the first smile will blow your mind. That white noise from an untuned radio can help baby sleep. That those tiny baby moments don't last forever and they turn into awesome little people all of a sudden! That I suddenly felt 'grown up' in a good way. That being a mum is brill! Xx

Breastfeeding turns your mouth to ashes, so get a lovely bottle of water you can get a straw into. A breastfeeding basket is a good idea.
Make appointments with a physiotherapist now so you know how relaxed your pelvic floor is and how to relax it and your abdomen. Make an appointment with all actuation consultant or nct now before you're treading your hair out.

You can't spoil your baby. I was advised not to put my babies down in their first 6 months and I didn't. It worked very well to build happy, confident and so they say, lovely kids.

All mothers need another hand. Hire a cleaner for a while before your baby arrives.
Take all offers of help, you can sort out your cutlery drawer /things later.

Parenting lasts forever. Think long term.

For eg. Don't start a bad habit with your child. Train them like dogs. If you don't want an adult dog jumping on you or the furniture, stop them when they're puppies. Same with kids.... that annoying thing they do at five seemed cute once or twice when they were 18 months, but makes everyone stabby now. Nip it in the bud. Think ahead.

The thing I most wish everyone had told me was that calm elective cesarians are fantastic, and not to listen to a word the hospital staff say about trying for a vaginal birth if it's not working out.
If your baby isn't coming out, then have a cesarean. They don't like to "give" them because they're more expensive, but insist on one if you need it. Don't get exhausted by three days labour (and then have to have a crappy emergency one) because they want to save money. There is no medal for how you give birth.

Buy a huge box of tissues. I don't think I ever cried as much as with a new baby. I think it's a way of getting rid of water retention!

Thought of another one. You might get nightmares once the child is born, along the lines of something awful happening and being unable to protect said DC.

Lactation consultant that should be! Not sure what an actuation consultant is.

But it reminds me, get your finances sorted for your maternity leave.

I'll post before reading other replies - I wish I knew

That's would be so so tired even with a good baby whatever that is

That I would eat enough to hold on to baby weight for dear life

That i would have strange identity crises or confusions especially when I became "mummy" to he neighbours dog

That its just relentless

That I need to be kind to myself on a constant basis

Thank you for your replies, some really useful tips and advice!

That you can ignore all the smug mums who tell you that their baby is sleeping through. When yours is still waking up every blooming hour. (Or in my case just not sleeping at night ever!)
I Would like to go back 12 years and tell myself that my screaming newborn will eventually sleep like a log, it will just take a while to get there, and thats ok.

That for the first couple of weeks I'd wake up absolutely drenched in sweat , so much so that I'd have to change the bed sheets.

That I'd have a baby that would only sleep if being held at night (for the first 10-12 weeks) and would only nap in the pram during the day if I was physically walking around the local area (for the first 5-6 months)

That it's perfectly normal for a baby to have a mammoth (and I mean mammoth - 3-4 hours) BF around day 3: it's to bring your milk on....

That you get REALLY hungry BF - it's perfectly ok to take a load of sandwiches up to bed when you go

That you'll feel so super protective of your baby: I became a total mummy bear and got really bristly when anyone (except DH) held her for a good few months

Buying a decent wet wipe dispenser (eg. OxoTot one) will save you a good deal of money in the long run because you don't accidentally pull 12 wipes out when you only wanted one.

That mastitis can present initially as just a high fever, with no obvious symptoms on the breast (I speak from experience.....I ended up with a breast abscess).

That, at the first sight of mastitis, act swiftly to prevent it getting worse (hot compresses, pumping a little etc)

That breastfeeding for 6 or 7 hours at a time is NOT NORMAL. My sofa had changed shape to reflect the contours of my body by the time DS was 2 months

That it can be very, very lonely looking after a baby.

On the advise of my SIL I have a basket upstairs & 1 downstairs containing nappies, wipes, bum cream, change of clothes, muslins, bibs etc so I don't have to make trips upstairs to change baby each time. Downstairs basket is particularly useful as I had a section & stairs were tricky initially & as I was a bit unsteady on my feet & was worried I'd fall whilst carrying DD. Upstairs is handy as I don't have to hunt for stuff in the middle of the night, it's all to hand. DD is 6 weeks old & in my opinion, it's the best thing we've got in place.

That birth is so awful.
That the rest of it is so so wonderful and you might love it all.

That nothing is ever what you expected.
I said no dummies and no bottles. We ended up giving him a dummy as it was only way he settled in first two months and had to do half and half feeding as he was failure to thrive.
Enjoy every moment of early times though as so precious and time is so short.

Son is now four and nothing changes, yet every thing does... So many unexpected things every year and now I still spend my life saying 'no, please don't do that.' No doubt I still will at eighteen.

I agree with above. Be prepared to change your expectations and roll with the now. I planned to bf and didn't buy any bottles. It didn't really work out for us and ended up mixed feeding (which worked great btw - so it's not all or nothing!). Bought bottles from Amazon prime on day 3, bought microwave steriliser the next day. My DS has had a dummy from the start, and I was quite against them previously. I had looked into cloth nappies and we are pampers all the way.

Also try and get DH as involved as possible from the very start. My DH would always ask me if he was doing it right - I didn't have a clue any more than him! I feel like allowing him to just get on with it, and let go a bit (it's hard, you want it do be done the exact way you do it, but his way isn't necesarily wrong) made him more confident being alone with DS and I could get a break.

That the fuzzy-crazy newborn phase lasts 6ish months.
That if you hate newborn parenting (not your baby, just the tiredness, healing, feeding, boredom), it's okay it really, really does get more fun every day!
That toddlers are amazing.

Not everyone feels a mad rush of love for their baby. I was consumed by fear of not feeding it enough, or freezing/roasting it, or sleeping on it.
I was also horrified that I thought it was rather ugly and looked like a chihuahua.
It took months before I was relaxed enough to know what I felt

I wish someone had explained that it is okay to not feel gushy or gooey and that doesn't mean anything at all

That its ok not to enjoy the newborn bit ( i remember wanting to cry when the health visitor asked if i was enjoying being a mummy!? )
How it will effect how you feel about your OH/ husband

As per pp's it's ok not to feel an instant bond, it will come in time. Nothing and no one can prepare you for the overwhelming feeling of responsibility some mothers feel following the birth of their first. I was an intelligent and competent woman with a high stress job which I loved but I have never felt so out of my depth as I did when my first was born.

Finally, whatever challenges your little one brings, lack of sleep, colic, not feeding etc it's not forever, things get better very quickly.

^yy to whoever said about the sweating! Just the body's way of getting rid of all that extra pregnancy fluid, but honestly I used to wake up thinking I'd wet myself. Didn't know knees could sweat!

It will completely change your relationship with your OH, for better or for worse. Sleep deprivation fucks with your head and DH spent most of DD's first year pissing me off royally. We did get through it and I did go on to marry him . Oh, and unless he's doing an absolutely equal share of the night wake-ups, it's perfectly fine to want to kill him when he moans about being tired.

That you are NOT the only one with no idea what they're doing. All those other mums at the baby groups, who seem all confident and put together (and are actually wearing makeup and have clean hair), those totally intimidating ones - they're also just making it up as they go along! They feel exactly the same way as you. To the outside world, you also probably look as if you know what you're doing.

That babies are actually pretty boring. Everyone knows it, no one admits it. They do get significantly more interesting! You might even want to do it all again at some point

That you'll feel so super protective of your baby: I became a total mummy bear and got really bristly when anyone (except DH) held her for a good few months

That you might not feel like that and that's fine too. DS is five weeks old. I love him to bits but I am perfectly happy for all and sundry (excluding psychopaths or sick people obviously) to hold him and give him a break!

Seriously though, everyone told me before I had him that after my baby was in my arms I would (a) forget the birth however horrendous it was (b) never want to be away from him and (c) feel this immense rush of love.

(a) I did not forget the birth; I'm still quite traumatised by it (was a v unusual experience though).
(b) once I saw DS was ok and had a little cuddle tbh all I wanted to do was sleep for 12 hours.
(C) no immediate rush of love here - was all loopy from the spinal block (c section). It came on gradually over the next few weeks.

Oh and I wish someone had told me how awful and yet how temporary the baby blues can be when your milk is coming in - on day 5 I was in floods of tears, wished I'd never had DS and that my life was ruined. I am prone to anxiety and depression and was totally convinced it was the start of pnd. Nope. On day 6 I was fine. Was just my milk coming in.

Oh and also that you and your baby may take to breastfeeding easily despite all the horror stories. We did despite giving DS a dummy from about 2 days old and a bottle of expressed milk a day from one week old.

I wish I'd known:

1. the instant bond thing is not all that 'usual' most of my friends have been extremely upset not to feel it (when in reality none of us felt it!) - now DS is 18 months in OBSESSED with how amazing he is!! It will come!

2. weird post partum dreams mostly surrounding suffocating him with the duvet while I was asleep (he wasn't in bed with me...)

3. I had a very normal, straightforward, easy birth. I was still 'traumatised' by the thought of it for months. I think it took that long to come to 'terms' with what had actually happened to my body

4. Guilt - constant guilt. Luckily I'm catholic so I have had a lifetime of it

5. for me, and most people I know, the main cause of incessant crying was overtiredness. There is absolutely zero need to interact with a newborn beyond clothing, feeding, changing and holding (ie. Do not sing/read/show stupid black and white books like I did!)

6. weirdly, not all babies like to be held. My DS HATED being cradled from a very young age and preferred to lie on the floor for periods of time (he also stretched out in the crib)

Good luck. The worst will pass and the best will get better and better.

I wish I'd know:

to read this book

to ditch the guilt very early on

not to buy so much stuff

that not all baby slings require you to know how to wrap and fold several yards of fabric

that you don't need to leave the house with so much stuff! you can travel light and improvise

that as awful as a suppository sounds, if you are in a lots of pain from an episiotomy it if the fastest, most effective form of pain relief

that babies are not 'noisy' when they sleep. DD snuffled and made sounds as she slept and I found it a bit disturbing having her in the same room, looking back I find this hilarious! full on crying for hours on end (dc2) is disturbing...little sleeping noises are not.

The hardest thing about having a new baby is doing it all on your own. The isolation can be challenging. If your partner can find a way to get more time off go for it, this will really help.

After that if you have helpful friends and relatives who will come to help you rather than expect you to look after them, then invite them round to hold the baby as often as suits you/them so you can get a couple of minutes to have a shower / cup of tea / catch up on the things you took for granted before but now seem impossible to get done with a baby in your arms!

I would agree with arandom. We have no family nearby whatsoever. The responsibility of bringing up a baby with no help aside from DH who leaves at 6am and doesn't get back until 8pm was very overwhelming.

You get used to it, but it's bloody hard work.