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Parenting

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Original poster

To let SIL take daughter swimming?

147 replies

Ohsotired123 · 14/04/2016 14:28

Would I be unreasonable to say no to SIL wanting to take 8 month old swimming? She's asked me when she comes up as she doesn't live near us if she can take her. It would be for an hour or so but I can't help but feel a bit anxious about it. Would others be ok with it?

OP posts:

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GiddyOnZackHunt · 15/04/2016 00:31

If you don't want anyone except you (or DH?) to take her swimming because you want to be there? That's fine. I had a post partum pfb freak out when my DM wanted to take dc#1 out for a walk in her pram
If you're actually viewing her as an infertile woman trying to take your baby over and usurping your role as primary caregiver then yes you are being daft.

CommanderShepherd · 15/04/2016 01:50

Jesus, OP has come on looking for a wee bit of advice as she's not feeling comfortable with a situation and people on here are taking it like a personal attack. I thought this site was about mothers supporting each other not berating each other and passing on your own hang ups onto the OP ffs

CommanderShepherd · 15/04/2016 01:55

And yes, OP totally said every infirtile woman is a crazy baby snatching loon and swimming is the perfect cover. this is called sarcasm for those who take every post literally

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Weebeastiebaby · 15/04/2016 07:06

Sorry don't know if you answered already OP but is it dd's first time swimming? If that's why you're anxious I'd reply something along the lines of "sounds lovely! Dd has never been swimming before, hope she likes it. Can I come too? We can get coffee afterwards"

Problem solved. Everyone has fun.

If she still wants to spend one on one time with dd (which for the record I think is totally normal) she could take her for a walk later on.

If all else fails she can take my 9mo ds swimming instead because she sounds lovely.

DoreenLethal · 15/04/2016 07:12

I thought this site was about mothers supporting each other not berating each other and passing on your own hang ups onto the OP ffs

And those that aren't mothers?

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 15/04/2016 07:22

gone it's not really doing away with the mother for the afternoon is it? (When people feel discarded when other people are round - then that's a serious issue they need to solve Within themselves ) Op can sit with the towels, have a coffee, watch and wait for when baby needs to get out. Hardly pearl clutch worthy. It's thirty mins a most.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 15/04/2016 07:30

going against her instincts? wow yes a dip in the local pool is really dangerous isn't it op came on a web site asking if she should her dd go swimming with aunt. She invited opinions. Which folk have give. Not sure what your angle is her but you seem as if you have your own issues going on gone

I've not tried to make op guilty at all - in fact I sympathised with her as I was similar when dd was born due to anxiety.

Hissy · 15/04/2016 07:45

The ONLY THING we have with an 8m old baby is instinct.

If a mother isn't comfortable giving her baby to anyone for whatever reason, she absolutely doesn't have to.

And no, just because someone is related is irrelevant, it's the mothers decision.

If she's ok with it, then she'll let the baby go swimming

If she's not, she doesn't have to.

Swimming isn't exactly risk free either.

helensburgh · 15/04/2016 07:51

I have aSIL a bit like this. My rule is if it doesn't sit right with me. Say no

BertrandRussell · 15/04/2016 07:52

I disagree- we are reasonable, thinking animals- not purely instinctive ones. And by 8 months, we have moved forward from that newborn, visceral state.

And in any case, the op has said nothing about her instincts. She has said that she does not want her sil, who is a private nanny and has 15 years child care experience, to take the baby swimming because she has fertility problems

BertrandRussell · 15/04/2016 07:53

"I have aSIL a bit like this"

What, a hugely experienced nanny who wants to take your baby swimming once every 6 weeks but who has fertility problems? What a coincidence.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 15/04/2016 07:57

The baby will almost certainly prefer to have mummy there.

Mummy would prefer to be there.

Case closed.

BertrandRussell · 15/04/2016 08:04

"Case closed."

And infertile women are a risk to babies. Right.

Cornishclio · 15/04/2016 08:14

I actually am going to disagree with a lot of the posters here and say you are NU to be concerned. Nothing to do with your SIL fertility issues or her wanting to be on her own with baby but simply that in my view swimming with a young baby is best done with 2 people anyway unless it is with the child's primary carer who preferably has gone before. Has the OP taken her baby swimming before? If not she may like to take her baby for the first experience. Every time my daughter and SIL take their baby she comes down with a cold afterwards.

I have a 6 month old GD but would not take her swimming on my own. They wriggle a lot, water means lots of slippery surfaces and it is important they don't get cold afterwards, even getting out of the pool when your hands are holding an infant is not always straightforward. Can you suggest she takes her for a walk in her pram instead on her own and saves swimming for when you have taken her a few times and she is used to it? Surely the most important thing is for the OP to be comfortable with someone taking her baby somewhere?

Andcake · 15/04/2016 08:22

No way - I would feel v uncomfortable. Water can be v dangerous I would have been on edge the whole time. As a trained nursery nurse I would let her do something else with her fine! Can you suggest another activity.
Really I hate the mumsnet pfb thing some of us never get a chance to have a 2nd and struggled to have a 1st....

BertrandRussell · 15/04/2016 08:22

If she had said "I'm concerned about my sil taking the baby swimming on her own because I know how tricky it can be when they are wet and slippery -I'd rather she didn't" I don't think anyone would have disagreed with her. But that's not what she said.

MrsJayy · 15/04/2016 08:32

Insticnt is not the only thing we have for 8month old babies we have evolved now if it was an 8month old cave baby id see the point.

MistressMerryWeather · 15/04/2016 08:33

In fairness to those who have disagreed with the OP, it has nothing to do with swimming. She has already said she had no issues with the care her DD would receive.

This was about OP's irrational feelings towards her childless SIL.

I don't believe 'trust your instincts' is always the answer. Sometimes it's healthy to sit back and ask yourself where those feelings are coming from.

I can remember someone here posting that 'trust your instincts' can mean 'embrace your prejudices', and that has always stuck with me.

MrsJayy · 15/04/2016 08:35

Why is 1 woman considered safe in the water and another not do mothers have a special grip or something.

Xmasbaby11 · 15/04/2016 08:36

If you don't want her to, just say no and suggest another activity. At 8mo I'd never left dd with anyone other than Dh or Dm.

Original poster

Ohsotired123 · 15/04/2016 08:43

Bert and Russell no one is implying infertile women are a risk to babies, but you keep chucking that one out there, why?

Do I think she'd be abducted? No.
Do I think she'd drown her in the pool or harm her? No.
Do I think she'll try to get her to suck her tit and call her mum because she's infertile? No!!!

No risk, no alarm bells ring, no danger signs flash before my eyes. As Ive said she's very experienced with children, please stop banging on about me or anyone else saying infertile when are risky because it's getting boring.

Fertility was merely brought inti it to describe the sort of feelings SIL may be feeling about lone time with my DD and why it may be important to HER as another lady who went through the same thing explained from herPOV. ^^ There are plenty of moments she'll get in the future but right nowI just feel a bit clingy myself about it all. But it's also quite normal in general I guess from what people have said.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ohsotired123 · 15/04/2016 08:46

Normal to spend time alone with babies I mean.

OP posts:

lavenderpekins · 15/04/2016 08:54

I expect she wants your baby on her own so she isn't distracted by you (mummy) being there.. She's wants the opportunity for her neice to start bonding with her and to start loving her.. So in later years they're really close..

It's a hard one.. But time will make it easier especially if you have more children in a year or so.
It's great for your daughter to get 1:1 time when you have a newborn etc.. It just depends whether you're ready to start sharing your baby yet.

Your not wrong or right here x

Original poster

Ohsotired123 · 15/04/2016 09:02

True. I loved spending time with my niece but it was always round my mums when my sis brought her round and I just enjoyed play time and cuddles then. I suppose I never felt I needed to request lone time. But then I soon got it wen she was about 1 and my sister used to so me to babysit all the time...too much at times

OP posts:

HeadTilt · 15/04/2016 09:32

You are definitely overthinking this.

She is obviously great with kids, and wants to take your daughter, her niece, out for one hour. Flick through a magazine and have a cup of tea and they'll be back before you know it. I assume given her background she loves kids. What a shame she can't have them herself. Be generous. It's an hour. You have your daughter for life.

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