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Original poster

To let SIL take daughter swimming?

147 replies

Ohsotired123 · 14/04/2016 14:28

Would I be unreasonable to say no to SIL wanting to take 8 month old swimming? She's asked me when she comes up as she doesn't live near us if she can take her. It would be for an hour or so but I can't help but feel a bit anxious about it. Would others be ok with it?

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mmmminx · 14/04/2016 19:46

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Original poster
Ohsotired123 · 14/04/2016 19:51

The request just took me by surprise is alas I thought we were having a family weekend. I admit to over thinking at the best of times, I really need to go back to work I think. It's just I know how hard things have been fit her, losing babies, trying for 9 years etc. It was a stupid thought to think she'd play mum and I am sitting here really realising that now. Really sorry as well if I have upset anyone.

OP posts:
PennyHasNoSurname · 14/04/2016 19:52

She was a nanny. Its in her blood hahah!

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Whathaveilost · 14/04/2016 20:05

I think you are being very odd and peculiar about a reasonable request. I mean it's not like she is taking her swimming for the full weekend, just a couple of hours.

Like others I think it is a good idea to have a child comfortable with family members away from parents from time to time.

I used to have an aunt who used to take me to the pictures twice a month and when I got older she used too take me out for afternoon tea. I had a great relationship with her and could talk to her about anything. This want when u was serious ill I could confined all my fears and have some one that cared just a such for mum as I did and understood.
Please don't squash a potentially fantastic relationship because it's a 'weird'

CommanderShepherd · 14/04/2016 20:06

For what it's worth, I wouldn't let anyone alone with my ds, although he's only 5 weeks right now lol. Your instinct is telling you something, listen to it

Caterina99 · 14/04/2016 20:07

She probably just wants to give you a break. If someone I trusted wanted to take my 10 month old out without me, I'd hand him over without a second thought and leg it out the door. But I'm a sahm with no family nearby so never get any time without him and if I do then he's with DH, so I never get any time with DH.

Just say you want to go too. You dont see dd much during the week so want to spend family time with her at the weekend. It doesn't have to be weird unless she absolutely insists on going alone, which is then a bit odd. Or if you don't like the idea of swimming then suggest the park or shopping or something else.

RiverTam · 14/04/2016 20:16

What's a 'family weekend'? One where you're all joined at the hip for 48 hours?

This is your DD's aunty. She is allowed a relationship with her niece. A trained and ecoerienced nursery nurse - fantastic! Clearly she loves children and is good with them. What a wonderful adult to have in your child's life.

You're brung pfb now, but in a couple of years you wil regret it if you push this woman away and you're desperate for someone to talk your child off your hands for a few hours so you can get in with stuff. someone who is family and trusted and who has a strong bond with your child.

You sound like you think she might abduct her or something. Do you?

daisydalrymple · 14/04/2016 20:27

Just say you're not comfortabke with dd going without you as she's just started with separation anxiety and you're trying to reassure her as much as you can. But it would be lovely to all go together and if dd seems comfortable with SIL, then you can have a relaxing swim and pop back every couple of lengths.

If she tries to persuade you otherwise just a simple to the point, no thanks, with me returning to work I don't want to miss time with her at this stage. You need to be clear at this stage though or you may well be fending off different requests with each visit and end up squirming trying to come up with a different reason. So keep it simple, general and non negotiable at this stage, no I prefer to be with her at the weekend.

Dc3 is 17 mo. He would scream the place down if anybody other than Me or DH took him swimming even now.

SIL is making what sounds like a genuine and generous offer. You sound like you're just not ready for that kind of trip apart from you yet. Go with your instincts for the swimming, but accept that SIL may well hope to develop a close relationship with her niece. My sis hasn't had children yet, she may well not now, although has finally met a great bloke. My dcs absolutely adore her, and there's nothing better than seeing my children with this love and security from someone I love too.

backonthewagon · 14/04/2016 20:32

If the grandparents or a best friend had asked to take her out without you would you agree?

If no yanbu. If yes, yabu.

Infertility is irrelevant. Lots of people ask to spend 1:1 time with babies. At that age it is for the benefit of giving the parents a break or for the enjoyment of the friend/family member as the baby is too young to really care. It isn't weird of her to ask and it isn't weird if you want to go to. What is weird is making her infertility an issue.

Weebeastiebaby · 14/04/2016 21:27

Maybe she sees you getting a little pfb, anxious about going back to work,etc and thinks dd could do with a break from you!

Really though I think it's lovely for family and friends to want to spend time with babies. Babies are a joy and she clearly lives spending time with them. I know they're not toys but she's obviously having a horrible time of it with infertility and this little hour spent with her Neice would cheer her up.

I think everyone will be safe and have a lovely time. Including you. You'll be glad of the break if you just relax.

achildsjoy · 14/04/2016 21:42

You're really coming across as judgemental and frankly not very nice. Your views on infertile women are awful, as if childless women are child snatchers, there was no need to bring her fertility into it. Oh and your joke about the hand that rocks the cradle is not funny in the slightest.

fourpawswhite · 14/04/2016 21:43

Well you have upset me. I might not be a mum yet and after 4 mc and just about to embark on ivf, I thank my lucky stars you are not my SIL. Instead, mine is my best friend in the world and loves me to bits, as I do her. She is the one who kicks my butt when I'm sad and puts me back together. She trusts me with her beautiful children and always has. Husbands brothers wife and I am truly blessed. I might not have been able to have my own children but I am an amazing aunty and the kids would tell you that.

It's not your caution about her overstepping that has upset me, it's your references to the inability to have children, completely nasty and unnecessary in my view.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 14/04/2016 21:59

Don't worry, far better to think it through here than in RL

DoreenLethal · 14/04/2016 22:00

OP - I have my nieces alone each summer. I visit and take them out to places alone. I love them to bits and wouldn't hurt a hair on their heads. I really think you are leaping to massive conclusions with this overthinking.

Livelifefortoday · 14/04/2016 22:06

OP, if you aren't comfortable, for whatever reason, you don't have to agree to it. I explained this to my dsis in a similar situation. It wasn't her, it was just that I wasn't ready to leave dd. She understood. When you go back to work and are comfortable leaving dd, your feelings about this will probably change. But for now, do what you are comfortable with.

Original poster
Ohsotired123 · 14/04/2016 22:10

Sorry to those who've taken offence, I don't think all child snatchers those who are infertile, far from it, that isn;t my view at all. I've explained by reasoning for this post, the reasons why fertility was brought into it at all is all in my above comments. Also I didn't make a joke about The Hand That Rocks the Cradle, it was brought up by another user on the thread if you actually look. I was simply saying I wouldn't associate this situation with the likes of that film. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

OP posts:
soundsystem · 14/04/2016 22:17

I think it's quite a normal Auntie thing to want to do, to be honest. My DSis only sees DD once every couple of months due to geography and always asks if she can take her to soft play/swimming/park/whatever activity. I bite her hand off and enjoy some extra sleep/reading the paper and having a brew.

If you're really not keen then go along as well.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 14/04/2016 22:24

Op have you got anxiety? I did when dd was tiny and I over thought everything and hated what I perceived as people 'muscling in'. You kind of know you are being unreasonable so work with that.

She will want to spend 1-2-1 time with your baby as she wants special aunty and niece bonding time. Just those two focused on each other. And that in itself is lovely.

As your dd gets older she will have a wonderful caring relasionship with her aunt that you will love watching blossom. I love seeing my dd with her DGP. You really can't have enough people loving and protecting your children. I know thst know, I wouldn't even let folk come to the hospital or to see her regulary or hold her when she was little as it was too much for me. And that wasn't fair.

Let her take her. Go and watch with a brew and be on hand if she needs wrapping up. Try to relax a little with her.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 14/04/2016 22:47

It's lovely provided the OP and her baby think it's lovely [hmmm]

QOD · 14/04/2016 22:54

From the point of view of an infertile woman who idolised her neices. .. I wanted to take them out on my own places, do things that I was desperate to be able to do one day with my own. so in a way, I'd act like or pretend they were my own.
Hard to explain

I'd daydream about my plans for my future child and then get to kinda 'play mum' for an afternoon

Harmless but probably a tad weird Grin

I do now have a 17 Yr old btw (surrogate)

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 14/04/2016 23:13

gone , I don't get your point. Do you think the op should isolate her child away from loving family members? That only she can have ever really have any significant relationship with her dd? Why would her baby not think it's lovely. How strange.

It actually is lovely and more to the point healthy to encourage your child to form trust and bonds with good family members. This site is getting weird

Fishface77 · 14/04/2016 23:54

Op, chill. I wasn't offended as much as taken aback by the assumption that I would want to be "mother" to some one else's DC. However we all feel this is YOUR DC.
Maybe explain to her your not comfortable with her being in the pool with anyone but yourself and ?DH and although you trust her, for your own peace of mind you'd like to come along and watch and next time they can go together IF your happy with that.

Fishface77 · 14/04/2016 23:58

Oh god that last post did not come out the way it was meant to.
OP it's your child, do whatever you feel comfortable with.Flowers

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 15/04/2016 00:19

It's not lovely to tell a young first-time mum that she ought to be doing anything that involves going against her instincts to be with her child. There's no need to make her guilty because she doesn't want to. There are plenty of ways to do lots of family bonding together, that don't involve her taking a break that she doesn't seem to want to take.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 15/04/2016 00:21

I suppose I believe that people can bond with other, especially at this age, perfectly well regardless of who is present. There is no need to do away with the mother for the afternoon; things are better when shared.

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