Losing Control

[Binza]

Boy have I had a bad day. I'm sitting with an enormous G&T feeling like my children of 10,7 and 2 will be begging to leave home in the next day or two! I feel such an awful mother - always at them, loosing my rag about things that probably aren't that important. Then I logged on to this discussion and felt better because there are other people who feel the same way as me and probably have a lot more pressures to cope with. I have a loving, supportive husband but sometimes I feel like I'm on my own with the problems of the children.I will admit I am a bit of a control freak when it comes to them and so in order not"to loose control" I go too much the other way.
He comes across as being very laid back with them but my answer to that is I could be like that if I went out to work for 8hrs a day instead of being at home. I chose to be at home and in my heart of hearts that's what I want but it's not easy when you get a run of bad days and life just seems to be one battle after another! I will try to phone the parentline suggested and get a copy of the book on raising happier children because I don't want my children to think of me as "that woman who just shouted at us all the time".

I would love to go on an anger management course, I sometimes feel like Im going to explode at my 3. I love them so much but I get really wound up especially when Im tired.I dont want to smack but sometimes I do, not for discipline but cos Ive lost my rag. Im glad I found this and know Im not the only one!

Hey - this could have been written for me. I had a bad couple of days with my boy. He was driving me mad and I can understand just how you feel Meggie. I was throwing things across the room, shouting, slamming doors, the whole works.

Now I feel very stupid and am trying hard to not lose it again. In retrospect a couple of factors all put together didn;t help - teething, tiredness etc. You just have to work out a strategy and stick to it. Now I sing loudly instead of shouting, leave the room, put him in his cot and go as far away as possible and so on. I don't want him to learn that it is OK to shout and scream and throw things. Just any kind of displacement activity and if you do lose it just don't feel guilty as you are not alone.

Blimey Eulalia, now I feel bettter, you just dont strike me as the temperamental type! I have had the most horrendous day and really feel like I need to get away. husband to the rescue, Im driving round to Macdonalds for tea!

Binza and others, I too have very tough days with the boys sometimes, and it's hard to stay in control, and sometimes I feel a complete failure. But I came across something recently which helped me feel better anyway. At the end of the day do a little 'review of the day' in your mind. Just think back over the day, in any particular order, just what comes to mind. Do this in a non-judgemental sort of way, just acknowledging what happened, and really, really, really try to dwell on the positive things. We all know that our kids are wonderful, and do fantastic things every day, but so often a couple of negative things are the ones that stay in your mind. I find this review helps me to feel more positive and enthusiastic about the job that I'm doing, and about my boys in general, (sometimes I've been finding it hard to even particularly like them). Give it a go - think positive.

I've just read the latest messages since I wrote mine last night and feel so much better. Not because there are others going through this ordeal of guilt but that I'm definately not alone.
I have tried doing a similar thing as you suggested, Kmg, and that is trying to list five things that I am really thankful for every day. They don't have to be anything earth-shattering maybe just something simple like a smile from someone and it does work. However there are days when the negative things just take a hold and I don't even get around to thinking any positive thoughts at all. Obviously I will have to try harder to make it more of a habit and then hopefully it will just come naturally. Incidently today was a much better day so that's what I'm grateful for today!! It's funny to think that here we all are beating ourselves up over loosing it with our kids and feeling as if we're the only ones in the world who do it and then you find a whole lot of others in exactly the same situation.
I'm so glad I found this website.

Binza, I know just how you feel, I have two of 19 months and 3. I could really identify with all of your feelings... Last week I discovered a lump in my breast whcih turned out to be a hormonal thing - anyway the doctor said I had to ahve 'massive amounts' of gamma linolenic acid which you can find in evening primrose or starflower oil. Since Tuesday I have been taking one a day of Floresse Starflower Oil 1000mg intensive (Boots £7.99) and I feel fantastic! I can honestly say I haven't shouted at them once since then - I don't know what they put in it but it's worked - I felt like I had permanent PMT before. I just feel so much calmer. Still love the wine in the evening though!! It could be worth a try, I think we all get like this cos we get so tired and low and depressed, etc, etc, Let me know how you get on

This may sound a bit daft but here goes anyway.

I am currently going to ante-natal yoga - I'm 7 months pregnant with a 2 and a half year old. I have been feeling realy shattered and have a very short fuse especially with her. It occured to me yesterday that something my yoga teacher had said about contractions could be applied to childcare.

After each contraction and in the space between them, let go of the stress caused by the previous contraction, it's in the past, the next one will be different and there's no point dwelling on what has been. I realised that often we get ourselves wound up by the cumulative effect of our children's 'naughtiness' and we begin to tell them off before they even done anything that really warrants it because we're adding it all together. So I tried 'letting go' of the previous incident and trying to see the next one as a standalone one and then give a more measured response. When I can remember, it works! It's so easy to get wound up, then they wind you up and then.......and you do feel as though all you've done all day is shout, wheedle, plead and cajole!

The other thing that someone said recently on another board was to remember one of the great things from Kate Figes book about not always rushing our children, I know that most of our rows start when I am impatient with my daughter when often there's no need, things can wait.

Are we all stay at home mums here? I have been feeling like this on and off for the best part of 2 years since my 2nd daughter was born and I can't help feeling it has something to do with the fact that we don't have any other interests outside the home.

In recent weeks I have felt a whole lot better because hubby has given me a job within our business, although it's mundane work it seems to drive me on. Also I never seemed to have any energy before, but I put that down to low heomoglobin level (I usually have to take iron tablets when I feel like this). I would suggest to anyone who's constantly tired to get your levels checked or just try some iron tablets, perhaps check with GP first though. They definately perk me up!

I also think that everyone needs time to themselves and away from the children. My 2 year old has just started nursery for 1 day per week and the 4 year old goes on this day as well, so I have a full day to myself, bliss! 4 year old also goes to playgroup. I would suggest nursery, it's not just for the working outside home mums, some nurseries do half days as well, but I realise they are still quite expensive but worth it just for the break. They definately benefit as well at a young age, learning to mix with other children etc.

Anyway I'll stop rambling - but after 2 years of mood swings I feel finally much better. Best wishes to all.

Emmy - trouble is I am usually very patient, but it kind of builds up and then I snap. I realise that I can do that with hubby but not with my boy. I want to get this nipped in the bud before it just becomes a bad habit. He is being very clingy and jealous just now which isn't helping.

As for strategies - I keep a diary about twice a week and record all the nice things. Some bad things too obviously but it is amazing how many good things there are even if they appear quite trivial.

Can anyone tell me when the Terrrible Twos start - is it 20 months? ;-)

Jac - yes stay at home mum but definately can't afford a nursery. I do voluntary work twice a month at our local toy library which helps and go to playgroups, swimming etc so I do have a good social life but my boy is always with me.

I have friends who work fulltime and feel they are missing out on their kids - it seems to be one extreme or the other. I wish there was better part-time jobs around.

A friend of mine just emailed me to let me know about this message page - I had an extremely bad day yesterday (Saturday 31st). I kind of feel better for having read a couple of the messages (I've only got time to read a couple!!). Hubby has had to go away for work for 5 days, so by the 4th day, I was at the end of my tether, it was probably worse because there is absolutely no break for me (no nursery), you know what weekends are like, everyone else seems to be having a lovely "family time" so when you're stuck with a 4 year old and a 16 month old, with nothing to do, you end up going completely bonkers. The 4 year old pushed me to my limit so I completely lost it with him - then I ended up in tears. When does it get easier? I admire some of you who have sent messages - you have 3 of them - I think I'm going to have my tubes tied to prevent that from happening - because on top of all this madness, your hormones tell you that you need another kid - how mad is that???
Well I feel better already - Thanks to my special friend who put me onto mumsnet, and thank you all for making me feel more normal - but I still feel crap.
Thanks also to Suew - I am going to give Parentsline a call - hopefully that'll help.

I hope this might help some of you out there with very young children. Mine are all at school now, but I stayed at home with mine for most of the time, and my main strategy for coping was to have something planned for each day which got me out of the house. I joined the NCT, which is active where I live, and went to every coffee session going, then started toddler groups, and gradually I made friends and arranged to meet them too. It really kept me going, and I used to feel lost if anything was cancelled at the last minute. I can't help thinking that one of the problems of being a stay-at-home mum is having no other adult to talk to. I also became active within the NCT, then with playgroup and now with my children's school, though I must say, the endless fundraising still gets me down. Hope this helps.

Since giving birth 2 years ago I've really found that my whole menstrual cycle has gone screwy. BC (Before Children) I was regular as clockwork, every 35 days. Now its taken me this long to get back into some sort of regular cycle again, but I find now its only 30 days. I also find that four or five days before I'm due on I get soooooo tetchy. In fact, that's probably too mild to put it - I get horrible. I shout, I rant, I get very very angry. Now I have been able to identify it, I understand my rages which means I can now deal with things more rationally. I'm going to look at what sort of natural remedies I can take to make me feel calmer. The other thing that happens is that I get unbelievable headaches a few days prior to my period. The last one completely floored me and I had to spend the day in bed. I don't want to go to the doctor because he'll probably suggest I go back on the pill, which I don't want to do.

I know I'm not anaemic, because I'm a blood donor and they check that. I think I'm going to check out Sharli's starflower oil capsules. Anyone else come across any good natural remedies? Mind you, I think Mumsnet is a good natural remedy - it sure does help to get things off your chest and see that you're not alone!

Emmam, I've been having similar problems. A friend recommended a really high dose of Evening Primrose Oil, much higher than the 1 a day ones I've been trying. Like an idiot, I did not pin her down for details at the time but I will try and find out. She's away at the moment, recovering from the baby being in hospital and having the entire back of the house remodelled, so it may not just be evening primrose she's on...

I had a lump in my breast too, which turned out to be non-infected mastitis. I was put on 2000mg evening primrose oil per day for 3 - 4 momths, when it was cut down to 1000 mg per day. It worked! It also seemed to help my horrendous PMT, but that could be more due to the fact that the kids had got to 4.5 & 2.5 by then, and things had got a lot easier. Oh, I've also heard St Johns Wort is good if you're feeling depressed, but altho' it's natural, it's not suitable for everybody so check it out. Good luck everybody. Oh, as for the tip about 'letting go' of your previous negative thoughts, I think you shoudl post that at the top of the page! I have had exactly that problem with my eldest this last week. By themselves, the things she is doing aren't bad, but there just seem to be such a lot of them at the moment. I'll stop & think next time, whether she's really getting told off for what she's just done, or whether it's cumulative.

Thanks Marina. Maybe I was a bit naive to think that my menstrual cycle would return `as normal' after our son was born.

I'll get myself off to the chemists at the next opportunity and start reading labels and get myself dosed up! I'm sure hubby and son will appreciate a much calmer me.

PS Baby in hospital and major house renovations? I'd want something a lot stronger in capsule form if it was me!

Hi Emmam, my cycle sounds very like yours and awful PMT, at least I now know what it is, and tell myself that it's just PMT and the world isnt about to end etc. Like you I think the Drs advice is PILL, but I really dont want to go that route. So, if you do find anything 'natural' please let me know. I tried EP Oil once, but got even worse headaches from that, so havent really tried anything else.

Ems and Emmam

I have just been to the doctors as I am so fed up with losing control every month. My cycle shrank from a regular as clockwork 31 days to 24 days (I only have two weeks off and then bang!) My moods were terrible and shout and rant and snap is all I seemed to do followed swiftly by feeling guilty and crying as i felt so bad.

I looked up these symptoms on netdoctor.co.uk and it sounds an awful lot like PMS or as it is now called PMDD (pre menstrual dysphoric disorder) and they put it under the depression category. (which annoys me as I think it is linked to hormones not depression) Anyway my doctor suggested either the pill, counselling or prozac!! I asked for a blood test instead!! To check hormone levels etc. On netdoctor i found a website for PMS sufferers and the address is www.naps.org.uk and it is such a relief to find people going through the same thing. There is also a nutrition organisation which has fantastic results with pms sufferers and you can find their details on there too.

I have joined the naps charity as you receive regular updates and guidelines on self help. On net doctor it suggested high doses of evening primrose oil and starflower oil. (I found one in Boots which has both combined in a dose of 1000mg!) and also at least 6mg daily of Vitamin B6 and I must say I have felt marginally calmer.

I hope this helps you.

Thanks Tlb - my GP is the same, in fact, I think he receives commission from prozac as it seems to be his answer for everything. Perhaps he just doesn't understand women and thinks we all need drugging.

The idea about dietary changes interests me, I'd never really thought about that as being a contributing factor to pms. God, I hope we can still eat chocolate!!!

I'll look up the website and start to make some positive changes.

Hi
Don't know if this is any help but when I was diagnosed with Post natal Depression I was totally against anti depressants. I started to take St John's Wort which really had an effect. Unfortunately I was too ill for it to 'heal' me completely so i reluctantly took the dreaded pills in the end. I would certainly recommend it though if you just need help to ride your hormones a bit. The other thing I thought were quite good were 'Kalms' which you can get in Boots etc.

I lost my cool last weekend. I work full time so you would think weekends for us would be an idyllic scene, but things still get to you. I'd spent nearly all day watching my kids playing outside (we live in a very quiet area but the odd car that does pass through is likely to go unnoticed) and at nearly 6 years and 18 months respectively, there's a lot of variance as to what they could be getting up to! My dear husband, bless him, who's a fantastic father however, always seems to have an important DIY project that he has to do so I end up on child-surveillance. I am so used to NOT having any time for me I don't try to carve out a piece of the weekend where I can do something. Even chores I normally do (washing) are less important than DIY. And if I don't think about it, no one else thinks to feed or change or send up for naps. So the 18-month old had virtually nothing to eat all day Saturday and the 6 year old snacked on everything that's unhealthy. So I ended up in hysterics howling that I was a bad mother, which upset the 6-year old. And when my elder child was 18 months I sometimes used to get so frustrated and pent up I'd throw something at the floor with all my force (not always a good idea as even seemingly non-breakable things break and make dents in the parquett!!). I think she must have broken me in somehow, I am far more patient with the younger one who's now 18 months herself. But it's so good to hear I'm not the only one who gets so worked up about things.

Rat, are you sure you're not me...that sounds so much like our weekends, as we both work full-time outside the house too. We only have the one and somehow we seem to have got landed with a sweet-natured, eager to please little guy of 21 months, but sometimes I find the the stress of it all preying on me very hard. I feel such pressure (self-imposed I am sure) to make his time at home happy, tranquil and yet fun-filled, because we all spend so much time apart. His dad is wonderful, supportive and loving, but, just like you, it always seems to be me who calls time for meals, drinks and naps. I too just would not think to insist on me-time at the weekend because there are chores to be done, scribbles to be admired, tricycles to be aired etc. If we all go out in the garden, it is assumed that I will stop him from eating gravel, braining himself on the patio edge etc, while the other parent gets on with something exciting like rearranging the contents of his tool box in thread size order. Ah well, at least it was sunny. But it does so help to know that you are not going quietly (or in my case noisily) crackers.