Losing Control

[Binza]

Boy have I had a bad day. I'm sitting with an enormous G&T feeling like my children of 10,7 and 2 will be begging to leave home in the next day or two! I feel such an awful mother - always at them, loosing my rag about things that probably aren't that important. Then I logged on to this discussion and felt better because there are other people who feel the same way as me and probably have a lot more pressures to cope with. I have a loving, supportive husband but sometimes I feel like I'm on my own with the problems of the children.I will admit I am a bit of a control freak when it comes to them and so in order not"to loose control" I go too much the other way.
He comes across as being very laid back with them but my answer to that is I could be like that if I went out to work for 8hrs a day instead of being at home. I chose to be at home and in my heart of hearts that's what I want but it's not easy when you get a run of bad days and life just seems to be one battle after another! I will try to phone the parentline suggested and get a copy of the book on raising happier children because I don't want my children to think of me as "that woman who just shouted at us all the time".

Nothing startling to add - except thanks to all who have shared/reported those murdrous thoughts occasions. Maybe I am normal/could be normal!

Just read through these messages while baby snoozes - bliss... hope he doesnt wake up hating me, we have such battles some days. I am using wet wraps to control his eczema and each wrapping session deteriorates into a fight, literally. He wriggles so much the creams are rubbed off his skin as fast as I can apply them. Trying to hold him down, apply cream, control his limbs and roll on 2 layers of tubifast bandages is no joke. Inevitably I get tense and start muttering the odd swear word, after 40 minutes of this he is screaming and I am almost thinking murderous thoughts. This is repeated 2X a day and has been for the last 6 weeks and will continue for the foreseeable. I feel like the worst mother in the world, with the unhappiest baby. I love my son so much it hurts, but I also get scarily close to losing control sometimes. Anyone feel similar?

Pj, it sounds as though you and your baby need some extra help with his eczema. You could contact your GP, Health Visitor or the Eczema Society for some possible solutions that might make life easier.

PJ
No wonder you come near losing control - you must dread these sessions, they sound awful! Isn't there any other treatment you can use for him?

Of course you are not the worst mum in the world - if you didn't love him so much you wouldn't be putting both of you through this twice a day. Even without this most mums would say they have nearly lost control, through tiredness and so much extra pressure.

Keep in touch: come and pound the keyboard to work off your stress!

Meggie you sure started a good section! It is so good to read what others are going through it kind of helps until the next time I guess! I'm going to Parentline website then again maybe not as my little angel has just woken!

thankyou to all,i now feel totally normal! my 3 yr old has always been a nightmare since the day he was born. i have always had a tendency towards depression and it flares up when oliver flares up.i now have a 4 month old girl and cannot believe the difference in them -she is so sweet and placid and she actually sleeps! things are just starting to get better, but when alice was born oliver seemed to hate her and really caused her some minor injuries due to his jealous rages. i adore both of them , but regularly have the urge to escape to devon(i don't know why devon!) on my own , because i worry that i am a bad mother and don't handle him in the correct manner. the health visitor said she had never seen a child as violent as oliver and now i keep putting off his 3 yr review as i am worried my little boy will be labelled as having behavioural problems. is there anyone else in the halifax, west yorkshire area with similar probs?or if not -in devon perhaps!!?

I've had a horrid day, and so it is good to read everyone's messages. My four year old is really stongwilled - sounds like Emsiewill's, and had a major tantrum complete with loads of hitting and kicking of me and her sister. She eventually calmed down, when in desperation I phoned her dad at work and he spoke to her.... This was after she told me she hates me and everyone else (who I said loves her), apart from Daddy. After she had calmed down we talked about it and I was ( for me) very firm about how unacceptable her behaviour was. This was at lunch time and I still feel wounded up by her - why is it that kids can let go of all their rage/frusatations in a a tantrum and adults are left feeling exhausted and angry...

Gaby, I know it sounds terrible, but it is actually nice to hear that other people have children like mine, and that other people feel the same way that I do - I spent a few weeks recently with a real knot in my stomach, all due to one 4 year old child. It really does seem to go in phases, though, I'm sure you've noticed this with yours, and the only thing to do is ride out the phase and try and be consistent, and pray for it to be over. As you may be able to tell, our "phase" is over for the moment - hence the slightly calmer tone of this posting!
What I would say, though, is that I've had to accept that my eldest is always going to be a drama queen, but that's her, and if she wasn't like that, she wouldn't be her. I thank God every day that I've not got 2 like that though - I'd definitely be in "Devon" by now!

Emsiewill thanks for your message. We are still in the middle of her phase- yes she sounds just like your daughter.. This morning she had a tantrum about not being carried downstairs, and whacked me on the arm - which really hurt.. not a good start to the day. But I have read Toddler taming again, and am trying really hard to praise good behaviour and ignore the bad. I thought she would be ok over the summer holidays, and not get into tantrum mode until she started school - changes always seem to bring out the worst in behaviour. I guess however her routine has already changed -hopefully we will get through this phase wihtout too much grief!

Yet again, fabulous to read such familiar messages. My son is so aggressive towards us -I have just being putting it down to the evil gene , inherited from a distant cousin -Jack the Ripper! I do feel that the lack of interaction from the pre-school playgroup is part of it and his best pal moving to australia can't help(sometimes you underestimate how aware and sensitive the little drama queens can be ) -Oliver regularly calls HIMSELF this! Don't you think it's hard to rationalize their behaviour when you've had no sleep with no.2. Oliver has done nothing but cry all day-a change from the violence-He wanted an egg and we didn't have any , so andrew went to the supermarket to get some and when we cooked it he said ' I don't like eggs' - Sometimes they really push u to the limit- like u say at least both of them aren't alike!!- having said that no.2 is only 4 months old(she is so sweet -ol never was as a babe).

anyone feel as though they're letting their children down? Our daughter has been ill for a few days, fever etc and now ulcerated mouth, my husband has also been ill and we have a three month old baby. As a consequence, when she has whined for the 58th time in 5 minutes that her tongue/throat/etc hurts we shout rather than cuddle! If that sounds unreasonable, believe me she has had SO much positive attention lavished on her, been to doctor, given homeopathic remedies, applied TLC but all she does is whinge, whine and throw tantrums. It's really getting us down. HELP. I really feel like I'm failing as a parent

No Emmagee you're not a bad parent just doing your best in a difficult patch. You could probably do with a break, and hubby being poorly doesn't help matters. You have a lot on at the moment, a new baby takes time to look after as well, and your daughter is also have to cope with adjusting to her new place in the family, on top of feeling poorly. I know that one sick child takes a lot of time, and mine is an only. Not to mention the worry as well, even if illness is not a life threatening one. You have done all you can on the medical front, so don't feel guilty.
Can you get any help or support from family and friends? Even if its fix you a meal or a bit of washing, take the baby for a walk. Also try to find a bit of "you" time in the evening, a long soak, maybe your favourite take away meal, a video, a box of chocs, wine whatever. You need time to unwind to be refreshed to carry them all the next day.
Hang in there.

Hi,

Until recently I found I was shouting more and more and losing my temper with the 4 darlings- largely due to the stress of a full time job, no support and the divorce. However, during the summer I went to stay with a good friend who basically pointed out to me what I was doing wrong. Now when one of the children misbehaves, I look into his/her eyes, explain why I don't like what he/she is doing and explain the consequences if he/she continues. So far it seems to be working very well, even with my 3 year old. If they continue to misbehave, they then get sent to their rooms to "think" about it. I find that I am losing my temper less and that the children are more cooperative.

p.s Madmaz- some of my school friends used to call me Mad Maz when I was at school!

Just wondering if anyone out there has any advice on encouraging husbands to play a more active role in childcare? We have a 10-month-old and we both work in equally demanding jobs. When there were just the two of us, I didn't really see a particular difference in the amounts that each of us did on the domnestic front.
But now, I seem to have got landed with everything, from food shopping to buying clothes, nappies, making food, arranging baby groups and all the "management" side of things. I've tried to get my husband to commit to coming home early on Monday nights so I can stay late in the office and get ahead on my work for the week, but it hasn't really worked out so far. My husband is great at playing with our 10-month-old, and will do shopping if I ask him. Whenever I bring up the topic of him doing more, he says he will, but he doesn't take the initiative, and I don't want to end up nagging him all the time. Any suggestions?

Billieb
Until very recently I was in exactly the same position - working full time in a very demanding job, and also working full time at home with my 9 month old son. My dh, whilst enjoying the more 'fun' bits of baby care, was leaving pretty much everything else to me. I had tried broaching the subject in a reasonable manner numerous times to no avail. Eventually, I simply blew my top! - this was precipitated by my coming home from work one evening, the day before we were all going away for a week, to find that dh (who had been at home all day)had not even started packing. His excuse? 'I didn't know what to pack, so I thought you could do it this evening'. Anyway, I really let him have it - shouting, swearing, the lot. And guess what? It worked - he is now 'pulling his weight' with only the odd gentle reminder from me. I honestly don't think he had realised just how stressed out I was.
So, if all else fails, why not try throwing a wobbly? (out of earshot of the babe, naturally).

We have two children, Niamh age three and a half and Jack two on 3.5.02. So as you can imagine life is very hectic. I work three days a week and my partner is usually working abroad every other week. Over the last few months I have found myself on a very short fuse especially with Niamh - I lack patience and get frustrated when she doesn't respond straight away. I feel that I am losing my temper more than is healthy for any of us, and seem to be using the "one, two, three" rule too often so that I think it may be an attention seeking thing now. We feel that we do praise them for good behaviour and ignore silly things, but rituals such as taking forever to get into the car - especially if we have a deadline is driving me mad! Any suggestions would be helpful - I don't want to be remembered as being a shouting and screaming mum.

No answers I'm afraid, JulieW, just one hell of a lot of sympathy - I know how you're feeling. Hang in there!

Ditto, this all sounds terribly familiar! I am at present one of those grumpy, frustrated Mum's who seem to be shouting all time. Dd aged 5 and at school (I think she is glad sometimes) and very lively ds 21 months. I feel am not worthy of those of you who have such a small gap in between your children I know I could not have coped - I struggle now, working part-time, house always a mess, never enough time for anything, feeling guilty about children not eating healthily, feeling guilty about being miserable, feeling guilty about shouting at dd when it is really ds who is the demanding one at the moment. I find I am wishing the time away waiting for him to be at school - it's awful really. When I am down and feel I'm drowning in it all I tell myself 'it's just a bad phase and in a couple of months time it will switch to a good phase' - I really think that's the case just when everything comes to it's peak a good phase starts. We have lovely holidays but sometimes I can't even face all the preparation and feel like not going!! There is no escaping it KIDS DO DRIVE US ALL NUTS AT TIMES!! Oh, a couple of glasses of Chardonnay and Mumsnet also help... Chin up love

Cazhass! You struck a chord with me when you said you find yourself yelling at your 5yr old when it is the younger one who is more demanding...ditto here! I often catch myself snapping at dd (who is also 5) when it is ds (just turned 3) who has been hassling me. Afterwards I think - what did you do that for?! and feel like the wicked witch of the west. Sometimes it is even while I am in mid-rant I realise what I'm doing but there's no stopping once I get started! Sad isn't it

Anyway juliew, you would have to be a saint if you never "lost it", especially having two kids so close in age. (And both are at challenging ages too!) It goes with the territory I'm afraid, along with the guilt afterwards! Go easy on yourself, you're doing a tough job and I'm sure you're doing just fine keeping it all together. The only thing I can suggest is to try to start the day in a positive frame of mind (sometimes that's not easy I know! Affirmations do help, even just saying "today is going to be a positive and happy day" three times in the shower!) and to try deep breaths and count to ten (to yourself!) when they are winding you up. The count to three is good but really only works if there is a consequence stated up front, eg "If you haven't put the dolls in the box by the time I count three, I will put them away for the rest of the day" and as you say if you use it too often it just becomes a game! (Especially if you don't follow it up with some sort of consequence after the 3, or if you don't do so consistently - then they'll test you out to see if you'll really go through with the "threat" or not!) Have you tried time-out/quiet time? Anyway big hugs to you, don't be too hard on yourself, remember this phase will pass, and try to get some "time-out" for you too!

Almost forgot - Happy Birthday, Jack!