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Parenting

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Original poster

Holding the baby for too long?

38 replies

sepa · 07/04/2016 17:33

I have a newborn (5 weeks old) who is my first DC. I hold her a lot during the day as she fusses when she is put down. She is perfect at night time (maybe because I swaddle her).
I get told constantly that I will pay the price when she is older by not putting her down and that I will constantly have to hold her. Has anyone got experience of this? As the people who are telling me this have always put their baby down during the day so how would they know?

I do put her down during the day. Usually for an hour(ish) at a time but then tend to hold her for a few hours. I had a c section so we can't yet get out easily as I haven't recovered well after the op....

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

sepa · 07/04/2016 17:33

Apologies for the rambly post..

OP posts:

ShowOfHands · 07/04/2016 17:36

Is she 20 and at uni? No? Then it's not too much holding her.

Just cuddle her. It feels right. For her and you. People can take their rods and nob off. You're teaching her to feel loved and secure.

MargaretCabbage · 07/04/2016 17:39

You can't cuddle a baby too much. You are setting her up to feel secure and attached, not spoiling her. Enjoy the cuddles.

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goodbyeyellowbrickroad · 07/04/2016 17:40

I'd ignore whoever's told you not to hold your new baby! I say this as someone who also has a 5 week old that is pretty much attached to me either nursing or in a sling as that's where he's happiest. Like your baby my DS sleeps relatively well in his crib at night (although I know from past experience with DS1 that this may be short lived!)

Enjoy lazing around with your baby! Before you know it they'll be mobile and off exploring rather than cuddling up to you all day.

Newquay · 07/04/2016 17:43

Gosh people do say rubbish stuff. Enjoy this precious time. If you need research to justify what you are doing just check out 'attachment parenting'. Doing what you feel is right for you and your baby is a great approach. I rarely put either of mine down and the nursery commented on how well my baby settled into nursery - as he knew that to soothe himself all he had to do was to climb into someone's arms. It's lovely. Enjoy

Herewegoagainfolks · 07/04/2016 17:45

You can't over cuddle a baby.

People just like to validate their own parenting techniques - ignore them

geekaMaxima · 07/04/2016 17:46

I had a velcro baby who would only sleep on me or DH, and got upset every time he was put lying down so spent his early months living in a sling.

He's now a 2.5yo ball of energy who can't stay still long enough for a cuddle if his life depended on it. He's very securely attached, so he's able to run off and explore in full confidence we'll be here if he needs us.

The warnings are groundless. Hold your baby and enjoy

FuzzyOwl · 07/04/2016 17:48

I was told that you can't cuddle, love and reassure your baby too much. Mine spent all day sleeping on me from birth but always slept in her bed at night. She is 10 months old now and already very independent and confident to toddle off and explore everything.

Roseberrry · 07/04/2016 17:48

I got told that a lot with my 2nd baby. I'd followed Gina Ford with my first and was determined to cuddle my second as much as possible. I breastfed, coslept and cuddled him to sleep for most naps. It was heaven! Once he was about 4 months I did put him down every other day in his cot for a nap too.

Now he is nearly 2 and refuses to be cuddled to sleep! All I have to do is pop him in his sleeping bag and close the door.

I think it's good for babies to be cuddled a lot. They had 9 months of being cocooned in your womb, they should have at least 9 months of being cuddled outside of it. It helps them feel secure.

Go with your gut and ignore everyone else.

Fwaffy · 07/04/2016 17:48

I held DD all the time as a baby. She's 2 now, happily developing independence, and can't be doing with mummy cuddles most of the time.

You foster true independence by creating a secure attachment that they can anchor themselves to and then they have the confidence to venture forth at their own pace. (And you get gorgeous memories of little baby snuggles).

Keep on holding/cuddling/rocking/carrying and basking in the loveliness of it!

Bubbinsmakesthree · 07/04/2016 17:51

Ignore them! Totally normal for babies to want to be held the whole tims. You can't spoil them, you're not making a rod for your own back. Ignore them and enjoy the cuddles!

CheeseAndOnionWalkers · 07/04/2016 17:51

It's not a problem.

How much your hold a newborn has no effect on how they'll be later.

Right now your baby is in the Fourth Trimester so you should offer anything she needs whenever you are able to offer it.

Original poster

sepa · 07/04/2016 17:55

This is what I thought. I did my dissertation on attachment theory (although it was specific to cuddling) and there is a lot of evidence about the relationship in early years to the way you turn out in older years

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hazellnut56 · 07/04/2016 18:01

Wow we have little ones roughly the same age and I too had a section, hope you're recovering well !
I read an article recently that (and after I read it seems quite obvious) says we are mammals and how many of them do you see (minus the obvious blue wale !) unattached from their mother ? In caveman times if you put the baby down something would eat it ! And you can never give a baby too much love !
Do what's best for you, someone will always "know best" screw em!

NeedACleverNN · 07/04/2016 18:05

I got told I was spoiling my children no end everytime I cuddled them.

That was why they cried when I put them down apparently

I told them to mind their own business though not quite in those words

NickyEds · 07/04/2016 18:08

You can hold a baby for too long. My sister has had to have a sling made specially to wear her son, he's 16 and 6 ft 3 but that's what you get for cuddling them when they're small! Only joking,Ha ha . Keep cuddling op. I'm completely jealous.

Original poster

sepa · 07/04/2016 18:08

Hazelnut - it's been a bit of a rough recovery but it's getting there!
How are you recovering?

Putting her down does have its advantages. It means she wakes up so I can change her bum without feeling guilty that I have woken her up!

OP posts:

Original poster

sepa · 07/04/2016 18:09

6ft 3 is a foot taller than me so I would have to put DD down if she got that big

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HelenaJustina · 07/04/2016 18:14

The only reason I kept having more babies was for all the cuddles! Enjoy, very jealous.

RoobyTuesday · 07/04/2016 18:18

The early days when you can just sit and snuggle your baby are just the best ever so absolutely make the most of it. Soon they will be a wriggly toddler who won't sit still or be held for a second so enjoy this precious time while it lasts X

skankingpiglet · 07/04/2016 21:51

My DD would not be put down as a small baby. No matter how asleep or happy. Even after a successful 'arm drop' test, if I tried to put her down somewhere she would wake up screaming and be purple in seconds. It was exhausting and suffocating tbh. I had a section and going the loo (pulling trousers up and down) was difficult as it was let alone whilst holding a baby, I never managed to master buttering toast one-handed and lived off chocolate biscuits, and if I missed the opportunity to shower when DH was home it meant smelling of stale milk and baby sick for another 24hrs. We ended up co-sleeping after a few weeks, but initially DD wouldn't even tolerate that and was only prepared to sleep on one of us. I was very happy to have lots and lots of cuddles but this was another league and I'd have loved to have been able to put her down for an hour here or there (nothing extravagant!) but she had other ideas. The joy I felt at 4mo when she started tolerating sleeping in a swing for 15mins!

Fast forward to now and 22mo DD sleeps in her own toddler bed in her own room (has done for 6mo). At bedtime we do her routine then tell her it's time to get into bed. She climbs in, we tuck her in and wish her good night, and leave. She chats to her teddies for a while then.... toddler snores silence. During the day she's a very confident little person. She will often check in, jump on me, or give me a cuddle/kiss/lick when out and about but is happy to go off and explore. She wants to do everything herself, she's incredibly independent. Being such a Velcro baby (and us running with it) definitely hasn't done her any harm. It's a really good balance of physical contact for both of us now as, like I said before, I found it all just a bit too intense and need some personal space. I'm glad I was able to give her what she needed (and it definitely was a need on a par with milk and warmth) as I've no doubt it has contributed, along with encouraging independence, to her confidence. She knows we're there for her if she needs us.

5wo is still incredibly tiny, and it definitely won't last forever. Enjoy it (including those little sleeps where she'll let you take a break). You most certainly aren't ruining her future chances of independent living with the cuddles

icarusandhiswings · 07/04/2016 22:01

She's your baby and you can do what is right for you both.
The people who say this to you can have no idea what it is like to have an unsettled baby. If they did they would have better advice.
Do what you need to. They aren't babies for long, cling to this in the long days and nights. You are her world, enjoy the prestige while it lasts!

Original poster

sepa · 07/04/2016 22:20

I love cuddling her so I think it's a bit of her needing the cuddles and for me also (especially after a hard labour)
There other reasoning is that I won't get anything done unless I put her down...she is the best excuse I have for not doing housework

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skankingpiglet · 07/04/2016 22:39

What do you need to 'get done'? Are they the kind of people who think Mat leave is this wonderful holiday where you spend your days ignoring your baby bleaching and hovering daily, and learning Mandarin?

The only thing you need to achieve is maintaining yours and your DD's health and well-being. And maybe the odd shower.

marylinmonroeroe · 07/04/2016 22:46

I held my dd constantly for the first 3 months of her life until she decided she wanted her own space to stretch her arms and legs on her playmat. Make the most of every second!

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