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Original poster

OH won't wake for baby

43 replies

WalkingBlind · 02/04/2016 09:41

My 5 week old crying at night for a feed or other reasons doesn't wake my OH when it's "his turn". It's not that he's pretending either and he isn't prone to ignoring the baby. He's just a heavy sleeper.

Thing is I have to wake up, to wake him up and he's one of these people you have to shake/kick/hold nose to get a response so then he's pissed off at me. And most the time he drifts instantly back to sleep so I'm there for 15mins trying to wake him I might as well just do it myself. He gets to sleep through "my turns" but I have to wake up regardless.

To make up for it he let's me have a lie in when he's off work but then my sleeping pattern is a mess and nothing in the house gets done (typical "I can only focus on the children when I have the children" attitude).

He wants me to go on a night out and enjoy myself which I would like, but now don't trust him to even feed the baby at night time

Anyone else suffered with this or managed to work around it? I'm so tired

OP posts:

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nephrofox · 02/04/2016 09:45

Is there a reason why you have a strict "turn" system? Are you on mat leave ?

If you're sticking with 50:50 maybe it would be better to have whole nights on/off duty? Otherwise neither or you are getting decent sleep.

acquiescence · 02/04/2016 09:54

This sounds so annoying! Have you got the crib right up next to the bed on his side? Or using a consleeper crib? That way if the baby is crying right in his face it might wake him? Are you sleeping in a separate room on your nights off? If he knew you weren't there it might make him more alert.

Is there anyone else who could stay over like your mum who could help out so you can have a break? I don't think this is much consolation but it might help to think that if you were breastfeeding it would always be your turn with no chance for a break! Which is not fun and in my case has led to bad insomnia when the baby does sleep!

BettyBi0 · 02/04/2016 09:57

My DP is pretty dead to the world once asleep too so I'd be awake in the night regardless. DC2 will be arriving soon and this time around we are going to try a system of me just getting to bed earlier, like 9pm, and DP looking after the newborn from 9-midnight so at least I get that block. It means not much time together as a couple in the evenings but if I'm going to get up every 2 hours to BF a newborn, I'll be a total zombie again.

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BettyBi0 · 02/04/2016 10:00

Also, I'm guessing you are still all in one room if baby is just 5 weeks old so you are going to get woken up anyway probably. Is your DP sleeping with their head right next to the cot when it's their turn?

fusspot66 · 02/04/2016 10:01

As above a lot of people find it works for the Dad to look after the baby till midnight while the Mum gets her head down from 9. This phase will pass but you must get sleep where you can.

pitterpatterrain · 02/04/2016 10:01

We had this problem. He really did want to get up but is a massively heavy sleeper and useless after just being woken up versus me who is ridiculously light sleeper. In the early days / months we tried to resolve it by me having lie ins and naps during the day / the weekend where possible. Also he would always do bath-time so that I could have a quiet moment to rest.

We found that he did wake up when I wasn't there (sleeping in our spare room which used to be the other end of the flat) although it did take him longer.

welshweasel · 02/04/2016 10:05

Mine is exactly the same, as others have said he does the late feed at 12-1am and brings DS to bed when he's asleep then gets a straight sleep until he's up for work at 6am. I go to bed around 10pm and sleep until the 3am feed then get another couple of hours until we are all up at 6. I sleep with earplugs which helps.

Ledkr · 02/04/2016 10:07

Funny isn't it that it's only men who have this issue, you never hear of a mother who can't wake up. Do these men manage to wake up for other life events like work for instance?

I have had children with two men, the first "couldn't wake up with the children" he was a massive twat.

The second awakes up when his children need him and is a lovely decent man, good father and husband.

Funny that.

cowbag1 · 02/04/2016 10:17

DH is exactly like this. He also sleeps through his alarms really easily in the morning so it's not just a childcare thing.

DS is 15mo now and I'm back at work so we share the night wake-ups in the week. I'm still awake when he gets up and I have to really shake him to wake him up but at least I can stay in bed. But as overall he's getting more undisturbed sleep than me, I get a lie in both days of the weekend. Works for us.

When I was on mat leave I used to sleep when ds did, the housework can wait.

Chinks123 · 02/04/2016 10:20

My OH is an incredibly heavy sleeper, he is also an amazing father. Yes he didn't wake when DD was crying, because he couldnt hear her It wasn't a case of him being lazy he can just sleep through an earthquake.

Swift kick to the shins and he got up and took his turn. Sometimes it was quicker to do it misled and luckily DD slept through from 6months so wasn't an issue for long.
Now DD wakes daddy up by sitting on his head so he knows it's breakfast time

In all seriousness it is worrying that they can sleep through screaming, but I think he sleeps deeper because he knows I'm there to wake up. When I had a very rare night out he woke up for night feeds because he was more on edge.

Original poster

WalkingBlind · 02/04/2016 10:20

I've tried staying downstairs when he's took the baby to bed and I can't bare to hear the baby cry for longer than he needs to, to see if OH will 'eventually' wake. It will wake me from the sofa but not him right in his face So not sure how long it would take him to finally wake. Longer than is ok to leave the baby though.

If he falls asleep next to the crib he will roll over to the other side in his sleep

I wake if the baby even sneezes so it's hard for me to understand how he can just block it out but I genuinely believe he isn't doing it on purpose. However I get annoyed that he can wake up for his work alarm at 4:30am

We do the "taking turns" thing because he works different 12hr shift patterns but we aren't strict on it, we will take each others "turn" to give each other a break. What I meant really was that I'm doing all the night feeds and only able to catch up on sleep in the day and that's only on his days off. It's nice that he'll give me the chance but I need to be up in the day really to see to the dog, etc and my toddler who gets up at 7am who constantly wants me to get up and play.

OP posts:

Chinks123 · 02/04/2016 10:20

*to do it myself

Chinks123 · 02/04/2016 10:22

I also wake up at the slighest sneeze, I think mums are programmed that way

Original poster

WalkingBlind · 02/04/2016 10:23

*Because he won't do stuff that needs done in the day coz he "has the baby" and apparently can't multitask even a little bit

OP posts:

MummaGiles · 02/04/2016 10:26

Unfortunately, it is biological. Women will always respond quicker to a child's cries. Don't waste too much effort getting upset by it because it won't change. But so make sure you get him up if it is his turn. Even if you're awake too. You don't want to fall into the trap of just doing everything because you respond quicker or you're awake anyway. He is the dad, he needs to pull his weight.

LittleNelle · 02/04/2016 10:28

My DP is the same, except he's easier to wake up and does jump to it as soon as I kick him out of bed.

I would definitely recommend going to bed early (maybe when your toddler does) some nights and leaving your OH to stay awake downstairs with the baby in a moses basket. He can stay up till 11/midnight and let you sleep, then when he comes to bed and puts the baby in it's cot you'll have had a solid 4 or 5 hours.

Same with lie ins in the morning - he needs to get up with both children at 7am and sort the dog out. Does your toddler nap? When he's home from work you should go to bed with your toddler in the afternoon.

The other thing that worked for us was DP taking the kids out - at least then there's no extra mess made in the house! Send them out to softplay or his mums or wherever with strict instructions not to come back for 3-4 hours.

Original poster

WalkingBlind · 02/04/2016 10:29

Thanks chinks I think mine is the same, he's never chosen not to look after the baby when given the chance, he's a really good dad. I want to see if it will work, him having the baby for a night and being alert but I'd spend the whole time worrying that the baby is crying on his own

cowbag I wouldn't mind so much if it was the dishes/hoovering etc, but he doesn't even have the sense to feed the dog/let him out for a pee. He says "but I have the baby". Apparently children aren't portable lol! Who knew

OP posts:

LittleNelle · 02/04/2016 10:32

If he's genuinely being that shit in the morning maybe give him a list of exactly what to do in what order e.g..
Heat the baby's bottle
While heating let the dog out
Feed the baby
Get toddler breakfast
While toddler is eating breakfast, feed the dog

Do you have a sling? Get a Close Caboo for him and then he can do all that while holding the baby.

Original poster

WalkingBlind · 02/04/2016 10:33

LittleNelle I think him taking the kids out of the house is probably a better idea. My DD (toddler) has a habit of waltzing upstairs to interrupt my lie in lol. Unfortunately she doesn't nap, she's up 7am-7pm but does sleep right through.

I'm going to try going to bed early definitely. I lose out on some time together but could really do with the sleep at this point!

OP posts:

Original poster

WalkingBlind · 02/04/2016 10:36

Gonna give the list a try! As I think he genuinely just doesn't have the common sense to think "If I put the baby in the pram I could take the dog out", he just thinks "but I'm holding the baby right now". I never thought of a sling/carrier either, glad I started this thread now

OP posts:

caker · 02/04/2016 10:37

It isn't just a man thing - I'm in hospital after giving birth and last night I had to buzz for help because the lady in the bed beside me was snoring and her baby had been crying for several minutes. Only 3 of us in the room so not like it was really noisy and she had tuned it out.

Spandexpants007 · 02/04/2016 10:37

Go to bed early. He can go to bed later then usual to deal with babies first wake.

Irn2bru · 02/04/2016 10:39

My husband is exactly the same! He would literally sleep through a brass band playing in the room!! It caused many an argument but I genuinely think he doesn't do it intentionally so by the time our daughter came we decided I would do the night feeds (no point attempting to wake him as jumping on his head would only make us both cross) and when I'd had enough (between 4-5am) he would get up and I'd have a bit of sleep before he went to work at 10.
As for the leaving them. I was scared stiff the first time I left him but I was in hospital so had no choice. He brought our son into bed with him so he just patted (slapped and shoved fingers up nose!) his face till he woke up. Doesn't work with a baby though he defo wakes sooner knowing I'm not there...
My son now sleeps through anything and my daughter wakes up at everything so maybe it's in the genes!

Chinks123 · 02/04/2016 10:39

Yes I know what you mean I did imagine DD lying there screaming her head off and him happily dozing but trust me he woke up, like I said (if he's anything like mine) they sleep deeply when they know they can.

A few months ago before we took DD's cot sides off she would cry to get up in the morning, he never heard. Then I got an early morning job, and imagined I'd come back later to find her still in bed He was fine, it did take him longer than me to react to her crying which is irritating.
If you feel you want to I'd see how the night off goes and how he copes

kiki22 · 02/04/2016 10:40

Mine used to be the same but woke when i wasn't there. I used to think it was laziness but as ds has got older ive found I can sleep right through dp getting up and ready for work, have slept through him being ill in the night but as soon as ds's feet hit the hallway I'm wide awake. It must be a subconscious thing.

I don't know how we will work it with our new baby but I wont be arguing over it we will find other ways to share things out.

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