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Parenting

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Original poster

OH won't wake for baby

43 replies

WalkingBlind · 02/04/2016 09:41

My 5 week old crying at night for a feed or other reasons doesn't wake my OH when it's "his turn". It's not that he's pretending either and he isn't prone to ignoring the baby. He's just a heavy sleeper.

Thing is I have to wake up, to wake him up and he's one of these people you have to shake/kick/hold nose to get a response so then he's pissed off at me. And most the time he drifts instantly back to sleep so I'm there for 15mins trying to wake him I might as well just do it myself. He gets to sleep through "my turns" but I have to wake up regardless.

To make up for it he let's me have a lie in when he's off work but then my sleeping pattern is a mess and nothing in the house gets done (typical "I can only focus on the children when I have the children" attitude).

He wants me to go on a night out and enjoy myself which I would like, but now don't trust him to even feed the baby at night time

Anyone else suffered with this or managed to work around it? I'm so tired

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Ledkr · 02/04/2016 10:41

So the men who just can't help themselves presumably couldn't hold down a job when they are single? Or would just allow the baby to cry all night if their partners were in hospital or died?

I think not.

It's opinions like "men can't help it, women wake up easier,"that allow these guys to cop out of the less pleasant bits of childcare.

LittleNelle · 02/04/2016 10:42

They definitely sleep deeply when they know they can. DP would never wake up to a crying child if I was there, but I once smashed a vase in the night and DP was awake and out of bed instantly despite me being on a different floor. I think his unconscious mind basically said "crying baby = not my problem. Breaking glass = could be important"

firesidechat · 02/04/2016 10:44

Funny isn't it that it's only men who have this issue, you never hear of a mother who can't wake up. Do these men manage to wake up for other life events like work for instance?

Well you're going to hear of one now. One of my closest friends would remain blissfully asleep when her babies woke up in the night. It was her husband who had to give her a few hefty shoves to get her to wake up and she was breastfeeding too. Some people can sleep through anything and they aren't all men.

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Original poster

WalkingBlind · 02/04/2016 11:02

I can sleep through DP going to work absolutely no problem, but the second one of the kids even turns over in bed I'm opening my eyes. I definitely think it's a subconscious instinct. Looks like I might just have to trust that he will wake up if I'm not there, it's just the "takes him longer than it takes me" part that upsets me

OP posts:

Ledkr · 02/04/2016 11:10

Precisely little

kiki22 · 02/04/2016 11:25

Ledkr while I agree that men can't help it does give a lot of men a cop out I think it really depends on everyone's circumstances, I let dp away with it because he works at a hard heavy manual job and is definitely more tired than me at the end of the day, also hes great otherwise. There are things I'm crap at like cleaning up puke I get grossed out, dry heave and generally act like a diva so dp deals with all the puke swings and round about in my mind.

A man who does nothing to help with anything and won't take a turn getting up at night is an arsehole.

cowbag1 · 02/04/2016 11:31

I don't think that's fair actually. My DH sleeps through everything and has overslept his alarm and been late for work in the past. We've been together the whole of his working life so he's lucky that he's got me to wake him up! If he ever works away he has to book a wake up call and set every alarm on his phone. Even after all of this, I've still called him and woken him up on occasion because he'd slept through it all. I on the other hand have been a light sleeper my whole life.

I'm sure it is laziness in some men but not all.

Gizlotsmum · 02/04/2016 11:37

My DH is like this, but when I am not there or am ill and really exhausted he does manage to sleep lighter and hear the children. I think you not being there would be enough for him to be more aware.. I get how annoying it is tho!

Ledkr · 02/04/2016 11:47

Pfft!
I work full time too.
I've been pisssd, had chemo, still got up with my kids tho. It's about self discipline.

So those if you with DH who sleep through alarms etc, were they just jobless before you met them? Were they constantly missing classes or lectures at uni? Never up to attend appointments? Come on.

Chinks123 · 02/04/2016 11:52

No Ledkr as a few people have said, when their OH's aren't there (some) men sleep lighter. Therefore if they know they need to get up and there is no one to do it for them they can do it themselves. My OH tends to hear alarms but only after they've been going on for 10 minutes and I've woken too

Chinks123 · 02/04/2016 11:55

And yes before DH met me he did sleep through/be late for things that's the issue with heavy sleepers.

mrsjskelton · 02/04/2016 11:59

It's a reflex thing. We're programmed to wake; they're programmed to sleep through! No good for a hunter gatherer if they fall asleep chasing wilderbeasts

LittleNelle · 02/04/2016 12:14

I somehow doubt there is any evolutionary advantage to sleeping deeply - quite the opposite in fact!

PennyHasNoSurname · 02/04/2016 12:17

Could you try and get him to fit his share of baby duty around his sleep on the times he is at work the next day? So if he wakes at 4.30am anyways, get him to set his alarm for 4am, lift the baby and feed and bun change and resettle them. Similarly if he stays up late, get yourself to bed after the 7pm (ish feed) and leave baby downstairs with him to do the later feed before he and baby come to bed together.

shiteforbrains · 02/04/2016 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewLife4Me · 02/04/2016 12:24

I was like this and a woman, so yes women can be like this.
i'd wake up eventually when the noise was loud enough.

Starspread · 02/04/2016 12:32

After having a baby I sleep way more lightly than I used to; I do think some of it is biology/hormones.

I'm breastfeeding, so for the first few weeks (while my partner was on leave) I'd go to bed early and he'd wake me up and bring me the baby when it cried, until a feed at about midnight/1am. Then after that we'd both wake up for every feed (as at that age they need a nappy change after every feed and he was doing all the nappies after my c-section). Once baby was about a month old and my partner went back to work, we agreed that because I was breastfeeding and would have to wake up every time anyway, there was no point in both of us being exhausted, so I'd do all the night wakings on my own, and he'd do the pre-bed hours while I got a bit of extra sleep.

I'm sure it's different if you're not breastfeeding but that's how it worked well for us!

Caterina99 · 02/04/2016 15:40

I bf and DH is a deep sleeper so I did all the night feeds, but he got up and took him for a couple of hours on a morning before work. Worked well for us.

We switched to ff about 5 months and DS mostly didn't have a night feed, but was waking a few times a night. DH claimed it was deeply unfair me getting a lie in every day and he was getting a raw deal. We swopped for one night and he was very keen to swop back!

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