bailing kids out

[ilovesprouts]

I got an interim payment last month,gave the two eldest £500 each since then dd1 has had another £700 pounds the last being £100 today was crying down the Fone saying she had no gas /electric or petrol so her fella can get to work,but when I said you had already had enuff she told me your my mother you are supposed to help medieval told her I can't keep dishing money out all the time to her,her boyfriend wanted £500 yesterday as they are in rent and council tax arrears,fair enuff I get PIP/ and cares allowance really dreading wen I get my big pay out I really am

Me not * medieval

No, you're not supposed to help, you're supposed to raise your child to adulthood to be a functioning, independent adult who can look after herself. Does DD have a job?

Interim payment from what? What "big payout" are you expecting?

She's had £700 and £500 and another £100? That's over £1000, what on earth is she doing with it! If her boyfriend is working then presumably he has an income as well.

My parents stopped paying my way when I was 21 and had just gotten engaged! I'd be mortified if I was having to constantly ask them for money now I've moved out and have a place of my own!! You do not have to subsidise them

So you've given your kids £1700 from your interim payment. What sort of interim payment is it? Is this money supposed to be for you to support yourself? How did your kids manage before you got this money?

Tell her there will be no more handouts. Your payments are meant to support you.

Sounds like they think you're a soft touch. Nip it in the bud now, it sounds like they are taking advantage

You can't keep bailing them out they will never learn to stand on their own two feet. Once they are adults being there for moral support and practical help yes but lending money constantly which by the sounds of it you can't afford yourself then no.

If you don't stop now they will bleed you dry.

It sounds as though you're telling your children too much about your finances and they seem to think they're entitled to a share. Why her boyfriend thinks he's entitled to a share too is anyone's guess.

From now on, don't tell them anything. Say that things have changed and you're no longer getting any money. If they ask for a loan say, "Oh I was going to ask you if you could lend me £50 as I'm broke." That will get them off the phone!

They need to become independent adults and if they think they can rely on you to bail them out that's not going to happen.

I had a bad accident in 2013 so this was just to keep me going until I got my final settlement my Dd1 boyfriend has a job but he says it's not enough for them to live on.dd1 is 23 ds1 26 my son never asked me for more only my daughter does. my daughter only lives four doors away from me I've said no a few times but all she says is you are my mother you are supposed to help me!!her boyfriends mother won't help them as they owe her money to I'm gonna have to stop being a soft touch and say NO.i have to save some of my interim payment in case I need to pay for some private treatment I'm really dreading my final pay out.i also have a 9 year old with special needs and will need care wen I can't do it as I could be in a wheelchair in five years.

There's a difference between bailing your kids out and funding them constantly.
What has she done with the money you've already gave her? Does she work? If her boyfriend works what's happening to his wages?
Tell him to ask his own parents for money not scrounge off you the cheeky sod!!
I admit I've asked my parents for help in the past but I wouldn't expect them to automatically help if it wasn't financially possible for them and also I ALWAYS ALWAYS paid it back!!

They are behind on the rent (private) and council tax I've to pay mine she rang me up in tears today asking for money for the gas /electric meter and the kids was cold what could I do can't see my grandkids cold but I'm not a walking bank 24 /7 for her my son has never asked me for anymore since I gave him some but she has.

If his wages isn't enough for them to live on then she's 2 options 1 get a job and pay her own way or 2 they both move back in with their own parents until they're able to afford a house together. Just say no!!! Offer to cook them some tea and say they can shower a couple of days so at least they are fed and clean but beyond that they need to sort the rest themselves as adults

Presumably she gets tax credits and child benefit for the children then

Yeah they get tax credits etc dd don't work her kids are 5&3 even my friends and my parents have said don't keep giving them any so told her today no more hand out it stops today.

You created this problem and you have the power to end it.

You don't need Mumsnet's permission

I was asking for advice that's all!!!

As you've said yourself, you can't keep giving them this kind of money as you will be going short yourself and so will your 9yo which is really unfair. Don't give them any more. In future say 'I've done all I can and you will have to learn to help yourself more as I can't keep doing this. Yes I'm your mother but you're a grown up and a mum yourself now and you have to do your own share'.

What advice would you give to someone in your position?

It's ok to give them money as long as it's paid back when they receive their wages or tax credits. She can't expect you to keep funding their family. I know it's harsh but your priority is your 9yo and making provisions for your future. Feed and wash the children at yours if you have to but beyond that no more. Her fella will have to walk to work if needs be.

Is she claiming any housing benefit or income support? She may be able to claim these if she's not already which will help their finances

Nope they never pay me back what they ask to lend I suppose it's my fault for being a soft touch but it stops today.

I know you must feel guilty by saying no especially if you think the children are suffering.
What are they spending their money on to need so much from you and not to be paying their rent etc?