not coping with newborn. please help.

[vodkaredbull]

I feel like such a failure and a fraud.

DD born a week ago. Traumatic birth and I didn't bond well.

I'm really not coping so far and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm so sleep deprived. Right now sitting here crying because she won't settle. Had trouble bfing so she's ff but she's not hungry right now. She just wakes up and cries as soon as she gets near her crib.

Dh is so good with her but he's back at work tomorrow. I have a single bed in her room so I do all the night feeds and changes. Every night I just sit here and cry. I haven't slept in so long.

Everyone says she's so lovely. She sleeps all day as long as I'm holding her. When people visit I wish I could leave with them. What kind of person thinks that? I want to walk out the door so badly and I dread the night. I don't know what I'm going to do when dh goes to work in the morning.

I don't know if it's pnd or baby blues or I'm just a terrible person. I've spent every day crying since I came home with her. I just can't do it. I should be happy but I'm so miserable.

god-have just realised that your dh has been off for a week and you are ff yet YOU have been doing the night feeds! wtf??

HE needs to have been doing that! Every weekend/ time he is NOT at work, he needs to be doing the night feeds!

I was you four years ago and it was truly terrible. My birth 'experience' was really shit and although both of us were physically 'ok' afterwards, it affected everything. I still get a bit emotional to think about it all, so I'm not very good at putting advice together about it. Everyone else has that bit covered. But I want you to know that mini Tel is now four and the joy of my heart, forever and ever.

One day at a time is the right attitude. Glad your DH is stepping up - I didn't like putting things on people either but what you've been through... you need help and support and a bit of cherishing. You got this.

I think you need to get out of the mindset that you are "putting on" your dh by telling him what you need of him.

I went across the road to the local park when DD1 was six days old. Came home and bawled. Absolutely bawled.

Didn't go out again for another six of memory serves.

Oh vodka I understand everything you are saying and am here for hand holding day or night! DS1 is 11 days old and there have been several times where I have wondered if I can give him back

I found that getting to my local church's baby group made a huge difference, two hours of being fussed over, cups of tea made for me and able to see other older children and realise that it does get better and quite quickly by the looks of it

Watching familiar comforting TV is also helping (escape to the country is a good bet).

Like everyone has said, one day at a time (in my worst moments I focus on one hour at a time). Soon your baby will be sleeping better (so I am told anyway ) and it will be spring and things will get easier.

Like I said I am in a very similar situation so if you want to chat I am almost always around. Feel free to PM me :)

Oh and don't forget that we have just grown, given birth to and are now raising brand new humans. We aren't failures, we are strong and awesome :)

The first few weeks are awful. And it doesn't even help to know that by 6-8 weeks it will be much better - I remember sobbing to DP that I couldn't stand 6 more hours.

You are totally and utterly normal. You are shellshocked and exhausted. Be kind to yourself, stock up on drinks and snacks, remember you are doing well if the baby is fed and changed and you've had a shower. Get whatever help you can from family and friends so you can sleep for a couple of hours. And don't worry.

It won't be long before you are advising other people of this whilst juggling a happy beaming baby with the other hand. I promise!

Well my mom came over today but it seems to have stressed me more. Or maybe I'm just more stressed in the afternoon, I can't tell. I went to the shops (alone) and was torn between running home or running away.

Starting to feel the evening anxiety creeping in now. It's a little paralyzing. One day at a time though, right?

Absolutely vodka or like I say above one hour at a time if need be. Can you spend the next hour on the sofa watching something?

Well done on getting out!

Can you do the same tonight. Get your partner to do the first part of the night? Whilst you get some sleep and then you take over? This stage is not easy. Just take it day by day. Tou are absolutely right. You have lots of support on Mumsnet.

Our own mothers are a wonderful help but also a bit of a hindrance. I think that far away from it, they really don't remember the baby phase and also, as someone upthread said, they were in hospital for five days or longer and often had help when they got home. By Day Five (caps deliberate) you were already in your horrors!

The anticipation of the evening is not helping - nor the fact that it's going to be dark soon.

Well done on getting out of the house. The world is a scary and noisy place right now so that's a huge achievement.

Did you tell your Mum how you were feeling?

I told her and she said she felt the same way 30 odd years ago.

I'm watching something mind numbing while dd sleeps in her Moses basket. When dh comes home (not until 7) I'm going to go to bed if I can! I will get there in the end. Deep breaths.

If you do feel like you need to there is nothing wrong in going to your GP.

I felt like you OP and it developed into really bad pnd and anxiety. I saw the doctor and started on anti depressants, which were awful to start with but pretty much cured me after a few weeks. I'm still on them!

At this stage it's hard to tell what's depression and what's a rational reaction to new parenthood. A doctor can help you tease it out, but you have to be honest with them.

Whatever you're feeling, others have felt too. Hate the baby? Wish you'd never had it? Hate being a parent? Feel no love at all?

Loads of us have been there, got the t-shirt. And we're mostly happy, loving mums now (although I won't be having any more babies thanks).

Good luck and whatever you do, keep talking. It's hard to admit these feelings but be as honest as you can.

There you go! Your own Mum felt the same way!

So did mine. Personally that really helped as then I felt that I really wasn't going mad. Mind-numbing good - as is bed at 7pm.

You're doing great x

Oh poor you. You are not alone feeling like this.

I had a horrible induction and then c section with my daughter. I didn't bond with her straight away, it was a slow burn thing, but it will happen. My anxiety got slowly better, but then worse again a few months in. I did see my gp and health visitor and got amazing support. Maybe you feel its too soon, but they will probably be very kind to you.

Are you able to see if there are any other new mums groups nearby? It might help to rant about how hard it is once you feel up to going out. Or call a good friend who's had a baby who might be able to support. I remember balling down the phone on day six for a good hour.

I also did all the night shifts. My dh is a surgeon and I just didn't want the lack of sleep killing anyone else. I did make him sleep on the horrible air bed though.
I remember being sooo jealous he was going to work. Then guilty about feeling that way.

Each day you will get to know her better, what works for you and it does get easier (otherwise there would only be single children in this world).
Xx

Yes its not all that long ago women spent 1 week, even 2 in hospital or a nurses home after giving birth, so they could recover. Now they toss us out after 24 hours or even less. (Not that I wanted to stay on the post natal ward but you get my drift!) Each to their own, but I like the idea of a confinement of sorts. Makes me feel better about doing nothing for first 8 weeks!

Each week you will gain a little more confidence.

You're doing brilliantly OP.

If people actually spoke about this in RL, it's exactly how a lot of us feel and felt the first few weeks with a new baby.

Not to undermine how you're feeling, but the very best thing to do IME with a baby is for you to put baby into pram and head off out. You'll feel human again

I had a repair op a couple of years ago.

'Like having a baby, without the baby' ha ha ha

'Oh - been there, done that, got the twins. Piece of Piss' ha ha ha

I was totally Useless for 3 weeks; got it together by the end of 6. And that was with no baby, lots of sleep and sitting around watching Ch4 and pottering. It was longer before felt 'normal' again - probably about 3 months.

You have all that pre-birth and birth hoo-hah to get over, and a baby to get used to as well. Definitely do nothing for 8 weeks if that's what it takes .

Agree, it does get better

One day at a time.

Also another point I remember someone on MN made was at 6 weeks they usually start smiling at you, so just as you feel like you can't take anymore they give you a smile and it's all suddenly worth it.
Its tough with a newborn as you get nothing back really as they sleep and eat and poo.

Think of the evening as a positive thing, one day down and you've made it, one day closer to smiles and more sleep x

Swaddling really helped my DS sleep, I found the ones from the gro company or whatever they're called the best as the zip meant it actually stayed on! My DH regularly sleeps in the spare room as DS still comes to bed most nights at some stage, he gets kip and so do we, it's a win win! I found my DM and MIL weren't that helpful tbh, just stressed me out a bit! Pjs, crap on tv and snacks are your friends in these early days!

You poor thing. I went through a similar experience but with an extremely unsupportive partner who expected the house to still be immaculate and dinner on the table at 7 every night! He's now my ex.

There's some great advice here already but I just wanted to beg you ... please take yo your bed with your baby for a few days and try to encourage that bond. I wish I'd done more of this and it's a terrible regret to have, especially now I know I won't be able to have another baby and experience it all again. Those early days can be terribly hard but they're also a great opportunity to bond. Forget the state of the house, put a note on the door - 'please don't knock, mum and baby sleeping' and just go to bed. Relax. Keep your baby close. Google 'the fourth trimester'

The days are long but the years are short and you'll look back on all this and smile soon. But make that conscious decision not to allow this precious time to be clouded by these feelings. They're normal and they will pass. Keep posting here, enlist the support of your MW and keep on keeping on.

vodka. it gets better.

Im sorry I haven't read the whole thread - but you have to get some more sleep. Stop holdign a sleeping baby during the day - get baby snuggled up in bed with you and go back to sleep.

It's natural to feel shit, stressed and all of that - you aren't sleeping!

Divide up the night bottles with your husband - you HAVE to get more sleep. He can go to work tired - its what parents do. remember his day will be easier than yours - guarunteed!

Hand baby over at 7pm, get into bed yourself - let him do the feeding until midnight then put baby next to you. You do next few hours - then he takes baby at six am. and you sleep until 8 when he leaves for work?

Also - dummy and swaddle to stop crying when not hungry!

and co sleep - it saved my sanity in first few weeks.

your husband has to take some more of the slack for night times - so that you dont go crazy with lack of sleep.SOrry but I think he is selfish if you have been bottle feeding and he has been getting full nights sleep - how did he think you were coping? why didnt he offer to step up?

and by the way - I went back to work when my baby was 9 months old, still breastfeeding in the night. yes it was fucking exhausting - but you know the truth - it was not as awful as sitting at home on a sofa feeling exhuasted.

this is the GREATEST SECRET that men have kept from women - it is easier to go into work tired than it is to sit at home holding a baby who needs 100 per cent attention and care to be kept alive.

Maternity leave is the most exhausting time - just sick sick with tiredness and constant anxiety about the baby. Going into work is not as tiring as that!

so please dont feel bad. remember, your husband gets tea breaks/ commuting time (peace) and sits and stares into space at work/

never ever think for a minute that his daily life is more stressful than yours. It is the other way round.

If being on maternity leave was really easier than work - why aren't men fighting to take months off to look after newborns ????

So fucking true waterat