not coping with newborn. please help.

[vodkaredbull]

I feel like such a failure and a fraud.

DD born a week ago. Traumatic birth and I didn't bond well.

I'm really not coping so far and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm so sleep deprived. Right now sitting here crying because she won't settle. Had trouble bfing so she's ff but she's not hungry right now. She just wakes up and cries as soon as she gets near her crib.

Dh is so good with her but he's back at work tomorrow. I have a single bed in her room so I do all the night feeds and changes. Every night I just sit here and cry. I haven't slept in so long.

Everyone says she's so lovely. She sleeps all day as long as I'm holding her. When people visit I wish I could leave with them. What kind of person thinks that? I want to walk out the door so badly and I dread the night. I don't know what I'm going to do when dh goes to work in the morning.

I don't know if it's pnd or baby blues or I'm just a terrible person. I've spent every day crying since I came home with her. I just can't do it. I should be happy but I'm so miserable.

Honestly it gets SO much better, it really does, those first weeks are insanely tough, particularly when you went through what you did at the birth.

I'm sure your ILs do care about you but probably struggle how to show it. I didn't let anyone take DS anywhere, still don't really tbh, but we had a ridiculous amount of pj days with him feeding and crap on tv. Get lots of one handed food and don't expect anything of yourself re food/house etc.

Can't believe your DH is back at work already! Can he take some more time off to look after you both??

Your dh leaves the house for his high pressure and tiring job, you stay in with yours for 24 hours a day.

Get him in that single bed.
When he gets home you eat and bath.
Then he eats.
Then you go to bed leaving him with dd til say midnight, and he puts her in with you fed, winded, and clean.

It will pass. Honestly. I felt exactly the same with DS; I was walking around in this weird fog of depression where I truly believed that I was being punished and that the awfulness of sleep deprivation would go on forever. It doesn't. I promise. Get your DH to give you a few hours off where you can sleep in a proper bed.

This too shall pass, I promise.

She is only eight days old, and not yet used to life on the outside. at this stage every day is different and it's impossible to get in a routine. She doesn't know the difference between night and day yet, It's normal (not easy) for her to only want to sleep on your chest at the moment, have you tried wrapping her securely in a stretchy blanket to sleep, there are swaddling wraps now that really help unsettled newborns.

Nights can be the pits. I found a rocking chair helped, I'd sit in chair with baby on chest and rock and rock. When it's a really bad night, just giving up on going to bed, sitting in the chair with a cup,of tea, biscuit and 24 hour news on telly, worked for me.

As a PP said, you need company for the day times once DP is back at work. suggest you wait until baby has had a feed then get someone else to take her for a walk, this should buy you a couple of hours to sleep at least. You may not like the ILs but if they are local and could help you with this it could give you the rest time you need.

vodka - I was also a lurker on your previous thread and was horrified at the way you were treated. Sleep depravation is awful and turns you into someone you don't recognise but it will get better, and your DH needs to help out - don't be afraid to ask, as some men don't realise and need asking telling specifically (my DH is one of these). Do you have any friends who could come and give you a break if family can't? MN saved my sanity in the early days too, even if it was just to giggle at something funny on here in the dark, sleepless nights.

Oh, vodka, I saw your birth thread. I'm so sorry you're struggling as a result. It's the first week, it will get better.

Sleep when you can, don't worry about the house or the cooking or asking your husband for support - his priority should be you in the recovery period of your difficult birth.

Take as much help and support as you can get. I wish I was nearby so I could help

You really need some sleep. You are formula feeding so there is nothing to stop your DH from taking the baby for an extended period of time. He is her dad, he and she will be fine. He needs to do this.

DH used to take the baby for the evening, I would go to bed really early and he would do the 11 o'clock feed without disturbing me, then I would take over when the baby next woke. It meant I got a long period of sleep.

I remember fantasising that I could put the baby back inside for a bit, it was so much easier then.

You MUST ask your Husband for help. TELL him what you need. A bit less sleep will not harm him for a few weeks but may just give you the breathing space you need.
If he is a good guy he would be horrified to know how much you are struggling and the difference he could have made.
You are in this together.

i thought as much my love, I could tell by what you wrote.

I'm in London so not close to you.

I agree with those who say get DH into the nursery. Also, tonight, make him do the whole night. Or at least make him go to bed now and then get up at 4.30'so that you can get a couple of hours sleep before you face the day.

Have you joined the NCT? Or any other pre natal groups. Do try and get out tomorrow. Even if it's only for half an hour. Daylight and fresh air will help.

OP you need to have dh do the nights in the single room on Friday and Saturday (or whatever two nights he isnt at work the next day).

I'm so sorry you feel so rubbish, I think it's a great idea to call your midwife and tell her how you are feeling, I've not read your previous threads, so don't know about your delivery, but if you lost blood, do you need iron? A nice midwife recommended spa tone, which is gentler than some of the tablets?
I know lots of people are recommending handing your baby to someone else, but I really think having them close is what often makes you relax, I found the best days were agenda less ones where we could take things at our own pace, only have people over if they are the sort of friends who bring you food ( ideally ready made) won't mind you being in your pyjamas (or at least wouldn't be shocked if you were) and will bring you cups of tea whilst you pop your feet up.
If no friends/ help forthcoming, cook do a new mums discount for families with small babies, maybe stock up? I began using sainsburys online after I had a baby, but still enjoyed pottering to waitrose for a few bits I had forgotten, felt like a nice trip out!
Soon these early chaotic days will seem like a distant memory. It dies get much better quite soon.

Does...

vodkaredbull you are not a failure or a fraud.

Even those whose births are textbook and go to plan can feel like this in the initial days/weeks after becoming a parent. If you had a difficult first birth, this adds to the hormonal upheaval.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself some time. Don't plan to do anything, just stay in bed in your PJs with baby.

In terms of practical help, have you tried wrapping baby in a sheet like a swaddle? Some babies like the tight, secure feeling of a swaddle. Likewise some babies find sucking to be soothing and so are calmed by being given a dummy.

No more to add but

I've been there. It's so incredibly hard but soon it will be lovely.

This isn't it. Every date changes. This period is hard for everyone, take each hour and day as it comes. You need to try and sleep in the day as much as you can. Let the hv know you need support. If you aren't enjoying it in the house, it can be helpful to get out, even just a walk to the shops. Don't expect too much of yourself right now, you are still recovering from childbirth. Lots of good food and sleep when you can. The love will grow in its own time. Xx

Op, it sounds like you're in shock (presumably from a traumatic birth?)

Please see your midwife asap to get checked over

I was the same with dc1 i now have 4 it will get easier. has she got wind? Sorry if thats been said. Lots of gentle back pating?

I just ate an entire Terry's Chocolate Orange while feeding dd. Surprisingly satisfying.

Dh took the first shift so I've had a little sleep. Looking down at her and she really is gorgeous. I actively want to keep her warm, fed and held so there's some kind of something there, I just don't feel that bond yet. When people visit and hold her I'm so relieved to be able to walk into another room. Doesn't help that the in-laws keep banging on about how she looks nothing like me at all.

Dh has to work because he's commission based and we'll struggle otherwise. My mom might be able to drive over if she's feeling OK so I could have company for a couple of hours.

No idea if I'm low on iron but I may well be. Lost quite a lot of blood. I'll try a supplement and see if that helps, thank you.

Right, nappy change time. Thank you again for listening to me ramble. I found it such a help to talk when I was being induced and you're all doing a brilliant job of keeping me relatively sane.

Good for you. Enjoy your choc. And keep delegating out the tasks.

oh sweetheart we've all been there! I genuinely thought I'd made the biggest mistake of my life when much-wanted DS was about two weeks old. I loved him but I felt utterly overwhelmed and stressed and knackered! I'd also had a scary borth and was on the postnatal ward for a week afterwards which was bloody awful.

As you are ff you have one big advantage in that you and your partner can do shifts. It's a heck of a lot easier to cope when you know that at a pre agreed time you can pass the baby over, stick some earplugs in and sleep for an hour or so.

The overwhelming feelings will pass. honestly, they will. my son is three months old now and has settled into his own little routine and sleeps in six hour blocks and smiles and laughs and I can hand on heart say that o love being his mum and it's so much easier than when he was a newborn. you will get there! xx

dunno if anyone's mentioned this yet but try googling the birth trauma association, I think that's what they're called, I think they even do specialist counselling but I could be wrong about that.

it is utterly ridiculous the things women have to go thru in terms of childbirth and the delicate days and weeks afterwards. When I think of what I went thru I want to scream.

I want to say more but I need to get on, my daughter is 2 months old and i'm a single parent with challenging circumstances, so just imagine i'm sending you a big cyber hug!

Be kind to yourself. It will get easier. Take any help you can. Eat plenty chocolate and watch crap telly.

Could you fit a 3 sided cot, one that goes up against the bed, in your bedroom?

Having one of those made a huge difference to me.

It's normal for newborns to just want to be held, just set up yourself in bed and snuggle all day put snacks around you.

I wear a sling to cook as I have a toddler too.

It's very overwhelming but remember the baby has been inside you for 9 months and still thinks it is (fourth trimester) so wants to be stuck to you.

If you're FF you and your H can alternate nights?

Also they do sleep all day and up all night feeding, their day and night kick in around 6 weeks