not coping with newborn. please help.

[vodkaredbull]

I feel like such a failure and a fraud.

DD born a week ago. Traumatic birth and I didn't bond well.

I'm really not coping so far and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm so sleep deprived. Right now sitting here crying because she won't settle. Had trouble bfing so she's ff but she's not hungry right now. She just wakes up and cries as soon as she gets near her crib.

Dh is so good with her but he's back at work tomorrow. I have a single bed in her room so I do all the night feeds and changes. Every night I just sit here and cry. I haven't slept in so long.

Everyone says she's so lovely. She sleeps all day as long as I'm holding her. When people visit I wish I could leave with them. What kind of person thinks that? I want to walk out the door so badly and I dread the night. I don't know what I'm going to do when dh goes to work in the morning.

I don't know if it's pnd or baby blues or I'm just a terrible person. I've spent every day crying since I came home with her. I just can't do it. I should be happy but I'm so miserable.

I haven't got long, bit just wanted to say, what you are feeling is totally totally normal!!! We're 4 months over here. It was just the biggest shock to the system ever. There is nothing anyone can say to prepare you for it.

My mantra in the early days was....just one day at a time.

Don't think ahead, just deal with today.

Xxxx

Your DH needs to do more. I get that he needs sleep when he's working, but he's only just going back today so why have you been doing most of the night feeds up until this point.

Tell him your struggling. And tell yourself that everyone finds it hard, but not everyone admits it. The first few weeks with a newborn are not the way ANYONE imagines they will be. And for some like you, who have had a shitty time of it, it will be even harder.

Tell your midwife how you feel. And ask your DH to step it up.

Xx

If your DH just had the last week off, why were you doing all the nights alone in the tiny bed when you needed to recover from the horrific birth experience? He needs to have a word with himself if he thinks that is ok.

Basically he needs to do a shift every night so you get a chunk of sleep. Could he do 8-12 for example? Forget having quality time together in the evenings for now. It's about making sure you get enough to eat, get a shower and have some sleep. He should then get up early enough to let you have breakfast / shower in peace or just have a bit more undisturbed sleep before he goes to work.

If your mum is willing to help, take it!

And move into big bed with baby. Much better than single bed and crib.

This was me a week ago. DD is 5 weeks old and was waking every hour. The only thing that's saved me from going mad is getting some sleep in the early evening when DH is home from work. Can you do the same?

Your dh definitely needs to do more. He sounds a bit like my first husband (I left him when dd was 6 months old). If you've both been off work you should be taking turns with the night feeds etc. If he's back at work you should be going to bed the min he gets in or just after dinner (to your own bed) and he should be taking over until about midnight so you can sleep. You can't carry on like this - his job is no more demanding than yours! Your body is also recovering, it's not like you're doing it in perfect health either!

I felt exactly like you when I had my dd 13 years ago. I went to sainsburys one day leaving her with my mum and sat and cried outside the house because I didn't want to go home. I hated all of it. I felt tied to the baby and was desperately unhappy. It took me a very long time to bond.

Looking back a lot of it was having an unsupportive dh. I had a second child ten years after that with a new dh and I loved every min of it- but a lot of that was having a dh who was very much an equal parent and shared all feeds and chores.

I could have written your post exactly when I had my DS, I remember wishing so hard I'd just got a dog instead! The thing that saved me was breaking down in front of the midwife and telling her everything. It will get easier, it won't always be this hard, do whatever you have to do to make things easier for yourself right now; sleep during the day, co-sleep, etc.
I also didn't bond with my DS straightaway, honestly I didn't like him very much for the first few weeks, but it came slowly over the first six months. It did happen though and now he's my whole world.

Poor thing. Sleep deprivation is a killer. Sort that and a lot of other issues are automatically sorted. Hope you get help and practical support soon.

Cuddle your baby and sleep.
Your ILs only get to visit if they do practical jobs (hoovering, washing up, cooking etc.). And they can shut up if they can't say something nice.
Use the double bed. DH can use the single.
Be a slob, it's one of those rare times when reasonable people won't judge you for it.

Of course you are relieved when you get a break. It doesn't mean you live your DD any less. I used to love the freedom from responsibility when I dropped mine at Nursery, it didn't mean I didn't love them.

Do tell the MW/Health visitor how you feel, there might be a local support group, where you can just express how helpless you all feel.

You are not a failure.

You are normal.

You are very very tired.

It gets better.

It gets better.

It gets better.

I promise.

Talk to your midwife as soon as you can, don't feel bad for your husbands stressful job - right now you have the most stressful job that any human being has ever had. I mean that, it's so so hard at the start even when you haven't had the terrible shock of a traumatic birth. Ask for help and take it, don't feel bad for needing it - I can assure you that every mum in the world has had days and weeks of feeling like this. I didn't bond initially with DS, I loved him and thought he was cute but in the way I feel about a pet I suppose. By six weeks I would have walked over hot coals just to look at him, I promise you that those feelings do come but not always immediately. You are just getting to know each other and falling in love takes time.

Please don't worry and talk to people in real life as much as you can but we are all here.

How are you this morning, vodka?

Oh vodka. you are not a terrible person. What you are feeling is so normal and I think you'd be hard pressed to find a first time mum who didn't feel similar - let alone after having had a traumatic birth.

I too had a traumatic birth and the first few weeks were hell. So many times I imagined my DH and I just walking out and never coming back. I kept thinking I had ruined my life. But it does get better. I know so many people said that to me and in the moment it's impossible to imagine it. My DD is almost 5 months old now and while we do have difficult days, I love her so much and can't imagine going back to a life without her. I do still appreciate the breaks when she's with the grandparents though!

As others have said get your OH to help out more. When he gets home from work hand him the baby and take yourself off for a bath and a sleep. Is he contactable during work hours if you need him? I rang my DH in tears multiple times a day for the first week of him going back to work!

He also needs to speak to his parents about how they can support you more rather than being completely unhelpful! Can they come over and cuddle the baby during the day so you can get some sleep?

Becoming a parent is overwhelming and terrifying and nothing prepares you. But you will get through this. Find yourself an outlet to vent, cry, get support, whether it is here, your family, your midwife/HV. It will make you feel better. Most importantly though your DH needs to know how you're feeling.

Try and get out every day if you can too - even just for a short walk. The fresh air will do you and your little one good and cabin fever sets in quickly being on maternity leave!

Do you have a local children's centre? They can also provide good support and are a good way to make new mum friends.

You need to take the baby into the bug bed (forget about the cot) and DH in the nursery.

He needs to do minimum a 4 hour shift - 8-12 is a good one. Weekends, you need one night off entirely. Friday night is good as he can have a bit of a sleep in (til 9am!) and then do 8-12 sat and sun night and then take the baby from 6 or 7.

You need to treat this like a boot camp for a min of 8 weeks. If she settles down sooner, wonderful but 8 weeks should see you through the worst. Also get a wrap sling if you can, they settle better during the day and you can learn tk gingerly sit down with her in it and rest. Minimal house work, ready meals and pizza to eat (unless someone is willing tk cook for you and clean up too). Baby doesn't need a bath but some fresh air every day wouldn't be a bad idea.

Right, you can ignore the in laws, babies are meant to look like their dads so that back in cave man times the dad would accept baby as his own! She'll look more like you soon.

Your job is far more stressful than your DH's so of course he should be helping out.

Can you set little goals for the day, eg, today I will go for a walk, then the next day I will wash all the bottles, then the next day I will call a friend? I still do this at 20 weeks!

I can be in Staffordshire in very little time at all as my parents live there, if you would like someone to have baby for an hour whilst you nap? PM me if you like xx

Morning all. Sitting here getting weepy again but this time it's because I'm reading all your kind words. It's incredibly comforting to know I'm not alone and it's OK to feel like this.

Dh isn't being unkind or unhelpful on purpose. We've just been muddling along and it never occurred to me to ask him to do more! I'm very stubborn and I hate to think I'm putting on people. Last night he took dd so I could get some rest then I took over. She was up all night again but I coped. Then dh got up early and sent me to shower! He even managed to do some housework before he left.

I'm on the sofa with dd on me now. Looking at side sleeper cribs online, I think that might be a better idea so thanks for that. I'm even contemplating strolling into town (about 200 yards away from the house) but it's a very cold and I worry about her.

Feeling good right now. I know it'll all change come this evening but I'm adopting the one day at a time mantra.

Glad you're feeling better. I've
Gone back to bed with my 5 week old as I could hardly make breakfast as she wouldn't be put down!

I was v weepy at your stage as it's so frustrating and overwhelming. I have a side sleeper but she hasn't slept in it yet except once for 20 mins! She sleeps next to me in bed.

Please do talk to your H about doing shifts. Does he stay up late? I agree with the him doing 8-12pm while you sleep and you'll have a head start for the night.

Make sure you go to bed early.

Feel free to talk about your birth if it helps, I find it cathartic to talk to friends who've been through similar. As most peoe can relate x

Dd will be fine outside if well wrapped up, it more depends on if you are up to it.
Nobody will judge you if you aren't

This takes me back to when I had my DD. All I can say is that it did get better but I was never brave enough to go on to have another baby as I couldn't face it. If you are thinking of going out after what you've been through that's amazing! If you're up to it, do it!

Looking down at her and she really is gorgeous. I actively want to keep her warm, fed and held so there's some kind of something there, I just don't feel that bond yet.

I actually punched the air when I read that. Actually physically punched the air! Of course you do! You've had such an horrendous time and you have to get used to having this new person who is so demanding while you get over that. What you're describing IS a bond. And it will keep growing.

Tonight mightn't be as bad, particularly if DH can let you get some sleep again.

By the way, even with your stitches, get some lavender oil and dissolve a few drops in a couple of spoons of milk and add it to a bath. Then sit in it for 20 minutes. I did that every day for three weeks usually while chatting on the phone to a friend. It really helped.

Well done Mr Vodka. You have to tell him. If he's asleep in a room while you're going through this, he won't know unless you tell him.

You will have peaks and troughs, but pretty soon you'll see an upward trend xxxx

Oh yes, DD will be fine wrapped up. Just take it slowly as you'll still be sore - I didn't realise how sore I was with DD1 until I had DD2!! Much easier delivery.

Go to a health food shop and get the lavender oil. There now, I've given you a job

middlings there's a health food shop a few minutes away so I'll try and stroll down there. Thank you :)

I put lavender, tea tree and some salt in a bath, stitches healed really well. I don't think anything prepares you for birth and aftermath.

I didn't go out until dd was 12 days old so don't feel you have to if you aren't up to it.

It's normal not to have bonded yet as we don't even know our babies yet. Take it easy x

Absolutely agree with everyone else... It IS tough, and you are normal!

Get your DH to cover from 6pm to 11pm so you can sleep a good 5 hours.

But also, have you tried a moses basket? My two DSs seemed to like the enclosed feeling of it. You could also try swaddling? I think it makes the transition from asleep in the arms into bed (crib or basket) easier.

And definitely get out in that fresh air today! You'll feel much better. And also, if she falls asleep in the pram, you could bring her inside, still in the pram, take a blanket off her and let her continue to sleep inside whilst you have a doze too!

she's a week old!
i didn't get out of my pyjamas for the first month i don't think!

what you are feeling/experiencing is TOTALLY normal. It absolutely SUCKS but it's normal.

I heard it described once as starting a brand new job on the day you had minor surgery!

you need to accept help from anyone who will give it- your DH needs to be doing more. You need to go back to sleeping in the big bed and either buy a moses basket or something small that will fit alongside the bed or bring her into bed with you.

The rule we used to work to was 'the maximum amount of sleep for the maximum amount of people'. Do whatever you have to to get that sleep.

Get your dh to make you a packed lunch before he goes to work so that you don't have to try and make something one handed with a crying baby.

whenever she does, you sleep or at least rest too.