Ultimatum about me living with boyfriend at university

[inneedofamum]

Long story short, my parents have told me that if I choose to live with my boyfriend, they will disown me. They state that I am under their control until I am 25 and until then, they decide what is right and wrong for me.

Background: I am 21 next month and studying at University. My boyfriend is 23 years old and in full time employment as a commercial contractor in decorating, whilst completing a course at college also. We have been together about a year and a half and are happily together.

Currently we are looking at flats and have chosen one that we would be interested in. I work part-time also and have done the math and I can afford to live there with money spare to save for the future. I see this as a serious relationship, and I have compromised in getting a student flat as opposed to a normal flat with a landlord.

My parents only want what is best for me, and they outright disagree with this decision that I have made. They deem him a distraction, and 'not of the same intellect' as me, therefore the relationship will not work. NB: They have only met him once, at the beginning of the relationship. Since being with my boyfriend my marks have improved by at least 25%.

I do not want to upset my parents, but in the same respect if I waited another year and did what they wanted me to do and get a single occupancy flat then I feel we would still be having this conversation a year from now. I don't want them to disown me (something which they have told me they would do).

I do not want to leave my boyfriend as I am very happy and see a future in this relationship.

Help!

Your parents are being controlling. Mine were too and were horrified when I moved in with DH at 19. You need to live your own life and make your own mistakes.

"You will have (as a couple) to start paying council tax and if you get any grants you may lose them."

Not exactly. Students don't have to pay council tax. If a student lives with an employed person, they can apply for a council tax discount. If I remember rightly, it's 25%. It's the same discount you would get if you were living alone. So for the employed person, they pay 75% council tax whether they live alone or with a student.

As for student loans, I don't think they would change, but it's a good idea to check.

I don't think the OP mentioned any grants.

Threatening to disown you and attempting to control you this way is completely unacceptable. Your issues with your parents are really very serious and the comment about their anger regarding your weight loss is so .

But before you make any decisions, I would strongly advise you to get some advice from your university student finance department ASAP about what your position will be if they cut you off.

Student Finance England require parents to provide evidence of their income at the end of each academic year as well as the start. Presumably your student loans and grants have been approved for this academic year, but the approval is regarded as conditional - your parents will be sent a letter in September asking for evidence of their ACTUAL income for the previous year. If any proportion of your loans and grants were based on an assessment of your parent's income, and if they refuse to provide the information required, you may be asked to pay some of the money back as there is no proof you were entitled to that money in the first place. And unless you graduate this year, you need them to fill out the forms for next year's loans and grants too. Please check out: What to do if your parents won't support your student finance application

Can I also suggest you get some counselling through the university welfare services as a matter of urgency as well? This situation could potentially have a very negative impact on your well-being during a vitally important time in your life, particularly if you decide to go against their wishes. Take advantage of all the free support and advice you can get.

This happened to my DH when we met at university! His father said he would disown him if he went back and lived with that floozy!!!
We ignored him!
Happily married with 3 children we've been together for 16 years this month and married for 9 years next month!

Your life... Your decisions... DH was financially dependent and his DF cut off payments but he just got a job! I worked throughout uni as I wanted to be financially independent!

My honest advice to you would be to pull back, just slightly, from living with your boyfriend at this point in time.

Mine too, for various reasons if you can possibly afford it (and I married my uni bf and am very happy with him too, so that's not a bitter experience voice either). Looking back, it's still so so young.

I live with him now, without my parents knowing

Then why not carry on doing that, just at a new address?

Whether you live with him or not you can't carry on being controlled by your parents. What next? Will they choose your post uni career? Pick you a suitable husband? Tell you where you can live etc.?

I moved in with my ex when I was 21. No one tried to stop me. We both worked and had fun. We split up after a few years but that was due to him being a gobshite rather than being young.

You need to take control and make your own decisions from now on. If you make mistakes you learn from them. That's what youth is for.

I was engaged and living with dh at 20 while at university. Graduated at 21 and was married with kids, a mortgage and A full time job by 23. I never asked my parents what they thought so they never had a chance to comment. You need less money than you think. You'll be fine. Just do it.

wow, your parents would really be stunting you by having control over you until you're 25... Why would they think they could do that in this day and age anyway?? Odd. By 25 (now 26) I was a married mother with a mortgage (on our 2nd property) and self-employed. What do they want you to do once you graduate uni but are still under their control? Sorry if I've missed that part.

Fwiw, and although I do agree with the PP who have said upthread that you should do what you want to do (this is about control, not about him), moving in with a boyfriend at this point really isn't the be all and end all.

There are people saying not to miss out on opportunities, you're too young to settle down, etc - I know it sounds cynical but just because you're in a relationship now doesn't mean you will be throughout your twenties. This might not be your forever relationship. Doesn't mean it'll be a difficult or damaging relationship - but it just might not be forever. And if it is, hurrah, lucky you, you met him early and have lots of life together.

My uni BF and I basically lived together 2nd and 3rd year of uni, moved in together straight after uni, lived together for a year, then went travelling. It didn't work out in the end - but it wasn't a bad relationship. And that's fine too.

So I wouldn't not move in with someone because people are telling you to take other opportunities. There is plenty of time for that, with or without him.

I am 46 with a 27 yo daughter, She is now happily married. When She moved in at uni with her then bf at 19 I also felt the bf was not the best match.
But i did not even dream of telling her so! I was fully supporting her studies and the appartement they lived in was mine too, nevrtheless I do not see how it could have been my business. I was happy when they broke up, I admit it, but again - I did not see why I needed to tell her so. I never did.

Even if She had married that guy and later maybe broken up, I would have seen my job in supporting her, every day every minute. I totally can not see how parents think they can or should influence the grown-up decisions of their kids.

Can you tell your mother that it is not in anybody's interest to have an argument about this, as it might ruin things for you and her for long term? In a grown up way - like, mum, I will do it anyway, as it is my decision and mine only, please be grown-up and do not ruin the relationship we have between each other? You are getting older, I am getting wiser, things are as they are and world is a complicated place enough without us making it more complicated for us in family.

Stand your ground, explain and re-explain why it is wrong She tries to keep control, do not discuss your bf, living together or any other of your independent decisions. Concentrate on your relationship with your parents and your independence, as this is what is an issue here.
Best luck!

OP you sound very sensible and you've already been living together.
To all those who say you're still so young, comparing other people at uni, in contrast people I went to school with and left at 16 and stayed working locally by 21 were settled/married/had several children/mortgage Eric and no one said they were too young.
The missing out on social life is bollocks as well. If you're doing a 5/7 year course of course most would be in relationships and not living in single student rooms. Alot by the end will be living with partners etc/with kids

I'm 36 this weekend, and still with the man who stole my heart at 20. We met both aged 20 in 2000 and are still together, married, mortgage, 2 kids etc. Follow your heart OP.

My DD is the same age as you and I would rather swallow her moving in with a boyfriend than lose contact with her. I speak as someone who continued to see a boyfriend and got engaged to him because my parents were so against him.

I think they are being very dramatic about it all. You are an adult. It may not work out but it may work out but you won't know unless you try.

By the way what does your boyfriend think of it all?

Don't ever let yourself be blackmailed like this.

Not ever.

Make your own decisions. You're an adult at 18 (though still very young).

By 21 you're that bit older and those 3 years make a big difference in your maturity and independence assuming you're living your life and not just dossing at home.

You need to take YOUR life and live it. By now your parents should be advising but not insisting.

But threatening to disown you is actively abusive. They are trying to control you and your life and at your age they have no right.

Do not let yourself be dominated by your parents. You might want to take a very good long hard look at them and if their actions are quite as loving as you think they are; or if actually they're being stifling and very controlling. Sadly.

Two separate questions - your parents, and the moving in together.

Re. your parents - they are quite utterly barking mad and you should tell them to get knotted. (Mind you, that could be my upbringing - both my paternal gran and my mum's family tried to stand in the way of my parents getting married - they told both sides where to go, and were happily married for 46 years till my mum's death. My parents always brought me up to think that if your parents try to make an "us or him/her" choice over your partner, you choose your partner every time, because your parents have to accept that you are an adult and it's your choice to make).

As for living together - your call. It's not as though you're planning to buy the place or get married. At this age, painful as it would be, if living together didn't work out, you could simply split up. You wouldn't be the first couple to do that. You sound sensible and well adjusted, and the two of you have agreed to pay half each of bills and rent, you know (through already sharing with him with another person) at least some of what he's like to live with. I hope it works out for you, but even if it doesn't, it's not like you've signed in blood that you have to stay with him for ever and ever. (And I say that as someone who has always been ultra cautious about living with someone and the level of committment it requires - but at the same time I was a university lecturer for quite some time and watched students move in together - sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't, but the fall out from a breakup can be straightforward or disasterous with no correlation to whether the couple were living together).