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Original poster

Ultimatum about me living with boyfriend at university

116 replies

inneedofamum · 03/02/2016 10:42

Long story short, my parents have told me that if I choose to live with my boyfriend, they will disown me. They state that I am under their control until I am 25 and until then, they decide what is right and wrong for me.

Background: I am 21 next month and studying at University. My boyfriend is 23 years old and in full time employment as a commercial contractor in decorating, whilst completing a course at college also. We have been together about a year and a half and are happily together.

Currently we are looking at flats and have chosen one that we would be interested in. I work part-time also and have done the math and I can afford to live there with money spare to save for the future. I see this as a serious relationship, and I have compromised in getting a student flat as opposed to a normal flat with a landlord.

My parents only want what is best for me, and they outright disagree with this decision that I have made. They deem him a distraction, and 'not of the same intellect' as me, therefore the relationship will not work. NB: They have only met him once, at the beginning of the relationship. Since being with my boyfriend my marks have improved by at least 25%.

I do not want to upset my parents, but in the same respect if I waited another year and did what they wanted me to do and get a single occupancy flat then I feel we would still be having this conversation a year from now. I don't want them to disown me (something which they have told me they would do).

I do not want to leave my boyfriend as I am very happy and see a future in this relationship.

Help!

OP posts:
ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 03/02/2016 11:47

Will your bf be contributing to the flat?

Original poster
inneedofamum · 03/02/2016 11:48

Yes half of the rent and bills

OP posts:
BloodyBloods · 03/02/2016 11:53

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BloodyBloods · 03/02/2016 11:53

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Original poster
inneedofamum · 03/02/2016 11:55

If it ends yes because he has to sign as the guarantor. So whatever happens I will always have a place to live during uni.

OP posts:
Choughed · 03/02/2016 11:57

If you split up where would you/he live?

How can you afford to be financially independent when you are only working 12 hours a week?

What are your plans post-uni? Will you move for jobs/career reasons?

exexpat · 03/02/2016 11:58

If my parents had been this controlling when I was your age, I would have been happy for them to 'disown' me, and then possibly re-established a relationship on my own terms when they realised they regretted it.

I started living with my boyfriend (later DH) when I was the same age as you and still a student. My parents treated me as an adult, respected my decisions and welcomed DH into the family.

Original poster
inneedofamum · 03/02/2016 11:58

He would live at his parents.

I get a loan from the governments that pays the majority of my rent.

Yes I would move anywhere within reason

OP posts:
Original poster
inneedofamum · 03/02/2016 12:02

They have never welcomed the idea. Do you think that if I went with their plan to not move in then when I want to move in again this time next year, my parents will have the same conversation with me?

OP posts:
BloodyBloods · 03/02/2016 12:06

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Original poster
inneedofamum · 03/02/2016 12:07

Yes you're right. I know what I want deep down, I am just struggling to come to terms with the fact I may not ever have parents again.

OP posts:
Choughed · 03/02/2016 12:08

I think that if up to now they have been loving and supportive parents you should try to build bridges/ make them see sense. Would they be willing to meet him again?

You are an adult and can make your own decisions. I do think it's fair that if you choose to live with a partner they can cut the purse strings.

I also think you are young, on the brink of starting your career and your focus should be on that. If your relationship is serious it will endure.

ChipsandGuac · 03/02/2016 12:08

If they're not paying anything at all, then it really isn't anything to do with them. If they are paying fees, etc and they really don't approve, then they can choose to withdraw their financial aid. That's their prerogative. I'm not saying I agree, but they can.

Otherwise, you just have to let them know you're a big girl now and they need to let you grow up. They'll get over it eventually.

CultureSucksDownWords · 03/02/2016 12:10

All the questions that have been asked and answered (with very well thought out responses btw) on this thread should have been what you talked about with your parents. Not all this disowning nonsense.

If they don't like your bf now, and have only met him once in 18 months, I can't see how 12 more months will change their mind. As a principle, I think you need to make your own decisions and accept your parents reaction as their own responsibility. Otherwise they'll keep trying to control you with this kind of emotional blackmail.

BloodyBloods · 03/02/2016 12:11

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Original poster
inneedofamum · 03/02/2016 12:13

I did discuss this with them, well tried to. They just shouted and said they are extremely disappointed and they want nothing to do with me.

I feel like I need to do this for myself and my relationship, and also for mine and my parents relationship. It's not healthy to be going through this with them, every time I see them we shout and argue over 'another issue that's cropped up'. The last one was about my weight, I only lost 2 pounds in 2 weeks and that wasn't good enough for them and they were fuming.

OP posts:
Borninthe60s · 03/02/2016 12:14

I'd explain to your parents that you are not under their control. You love them and want them in your life. This is your future you are going to live with bf and if they cannot accept it you will be very sad. Maybe write to them. Also suggest they get to know your bf before judging his intellect. Clearly it's excellent as he's chosen a lovely gf.

SevenOfNineTrue · 03/02/2016 12:17

Can I ask why they have not met him more often in 18 months?

Original poster
inneedofamum · 03/02/2016 12:17

I don't see anything wrong with my judgement, and it hurts me that they feel I cannot make my own up. Yes, I have made mistakes in the past and I take responsibility for those. I failed my first year at uni (I was not with my boyfriend at the time) and I partied and didn't do my parents proud. But I learnt from that and ever since I have got very good grades. I am on track to a very good career, I would not say I was unattractive (inside or out) and I have very high morals.

Sad
OP posts:
Original poster
inneedofamum · 03/02/2016 12:18

They refuse to have anything to do with the relationship. When I ask them why they simply say 'I don't care'.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 03/02/2016 12:18

Well, they cant be THAT concerned about your grades and your well being if they pull a stunt like this!

If they dont realize that being twats over your life and boyfriend in your UNI years they have more negative effect on you than any loving relationship can have, then sod them.

"You are at University with a capital U and he is in trade doing a part-time course at a college. As far as your parents are concerned you are proposing to tie yourself down to someone from a different socio-economic background who may limit your potential."

That was me. However my parents welcomed him, and we have been married nearly 20 years now. Yes we are different, but our different skills and mindsets have always been a strength, not a hindrance.

nilbyname · 03/02/2016 12:19

In principal your parents are wrong. They cannot dictate to you like this, you're a grown up.

However I can sort of see where they are coming from.... Don't flame me! They have expensively educated you, given you lots of opportunities, were your more ambitious before you met your current boyfriend? Big travel
Plans, study overseas? Maybe they feel that you are clipping your own wings?

Like I say, they are wrong, and you should do as you please, but I can't help wondering there must be more to this. It's such a harsh reaction on their part.

CultureSucksDownWords · 03/02/2016 12:19

Oh wow, they are sounding worse and worse. I'm sorry they couldn't discuss this with you calmly. As for commenting on your weight, that's just beyond what is reasonable.

I think you really do need to get away from the shouting and arguments. Maybe write them a letter to explain what you're doing, rather than have a face to face or phone call where they can argue and shout.

MadgeMak · 03/02/2016 12:20

In all honesty your parents sound like complete bellends and will do you a favour if they do disown you, especially in light of your more recent comment about them being angry because you hadn't lost enough weight for their liking.

harrasseddotcom · 03/02/2016 12:22

your parents sound like controlling knobs. Regardless if they contribute or not. Giving financial assistance to your nearest and dearest does not give then give anyone a say in who you have relations with. Thats really rather sad and pathetic, and worrying that anyone thinks that financial assistance should somehow give them this power. Are you an only child and have they always been quite controlling? The weight thing wtf? Move in with bf, and accept whatever 'punishment' they dish out. In the long run they are only hurting themselves and you are not responsible for that.