Ultimatum about me living with boyfriend at university

[inneedofamum]

Long story short, my parents have told me that if I choose to live with my boyfriend, they will disown me. They state that I am under their control until I am 25 and until then, they decide what is right and wrong for me.

Background: I am 21 next month and studying at University. My boyfriend is 23 years old and in full time employment as a commercial contractor in decorating, whilst completing a course at college also. We have been together about a year and a half and are happily together.

Currently we are looking at flats and have chosen one that we would be interested in. I work part-time also and have done the math and I can afford to live there with money spare to save for the future. I see this as a serious relationship, and I have compromised in getting a student flat as opposed to a normal flat with a landlord.

My parents only want what is best for me, and they outright disagree with this decision that I have made. They deem him a distraction, and 'not of the same intellect' as me, therefore the relationship will not work. NB: They have only met him once, at the beginning of the relationship. Since being with my boyfriend my marks have improved by at least 25%.

I do not want to upset my parents, but in the same respect if I waited another year and did what they wanted me to do and get a single occupancy flat then I feel we would still be having this conversation a year from now. I don't want them to disown me (something which they have told me they would do).

I do not want to leave my boyfriend as I am very happy and see a future in this relationship.

Help!

Are your parents paying your university fees? Would they stop if you moved in with your boyfriend?

no my fees are paid by a loan from student finance england.
my accommodation is paid by a loan from student finance england. he puts an extra £600 to my accommodation

If it were me I would do what makes you happy. I guess the contract is 6 months?! Its not like you are eloping. I think your parents are being ridiculous, you are an adult and they should be supporting your decision. Even if it goes pear shaped they should allow you to experience it, its all part of growing up. I miss uni, I graduated 10 years ago. Go sign the flat contract and have fun! They will come round.

Very wise words from MaybeDoctor. Your parents are being dreadful but I agree that uni is not a time to be playing happy families with your boyfriend. I would move into another houseshare, with or without him.

I agree that controlling parents can make you rush into settling down. I did it, and regretted it.

Honestly? I have a 20 year old daughter, she is at Uni and has a lovely boyfriend who graduated last year and works in her city. They are very loved up and see quite a lot of each other.

Would I want her to move in with him? No.

Would he ask her to move in with him? No, although I'm sure he'd like her to.

Because we both think that university is a time for meeting lots of people and having lots of new experiences, not playing house. You will never get these years again, with adult freedom but no responsibility. You have the rest of your life to be in a couple.

In your shoes I would have a conversation along the lines of: "I understand you are not happy with my choices, but I am in fact an adult and no longer under your control. I am happy with my choices. I would like to continue a relationship with you, but will not sacrifice my happiness to do so. I do not need any financial help to move in with X, do not need any contribution from you, but would like to remain close. I hope you come to change your mind as I am not going to change mine."

Living with a partner is very different to living in a house share. Have you sorted out all the basic questions?

• splitting bills
• sharing chores - can he clean a bathroom? And does he think a clean bathroom is important??
• sharing cooking
• the importance of studying and assignments/exams
• maintaining friendships, hobbies etc. independent of each other

You say if you split up that you would stay in the flat and he would move back to his parents. What if you wanted to split up and he didn't? Whose name is on the rental agreement? Would the landlord agree?

If by doing this you are cutting off your safety net of your parents you have to be very sure you are doing the right thing. What do they mean by "disown" you? Would you see them at Christmas? Would you see your sibling? Do you still have belongings in their house?

What would be wrong with another house share? You are young, plenty of time to be married and live as a couple.

Your parents are wrong. However:

University as a single woman is a fantastic opportunity; why live with someone when you don't have to.

When you finish your degree are you both planning to stay in the same town or move elsewhere for better career opportunities.

Who is your guarantor on the news flat? Your father? He may decide not to be if you live with the BF as he wouldn't want to take responsibility for someone he doesn't know financially.

I would advise my adult child to wait until university finishes then get a job and then decide where you will live.

Life is short but if he is the right man he wil wait.

Please people read previous posts.
My boyfriend is guarantor.
I live with him now, I know how he lives.

I was 21 when I met my now husband. I lived in one house share, I then moved into his 3 months later, and from there on we rented a one bed flat just for us the following year.

We were not really playing happy families. We were a young couple. He was working full time in a demanding IT job, and I was studying. I had an active social life with my own friends. He had the same with his colleagues. We also had common friends we went out with, movies, meals, drinks out. Weekend trips, Brighton on a Saturday. Happy days. He had a good salary, he paid rent. I chipped in with what I could in terms of bills and food. He ironed his shirts, we both did laundry and kept the flat clean. Me maybe more than him as I had more flexible time and did some chores during "study breaks" when I was at home.

It can work out.

But, maybe this was because I was a foreigner in London, I had perhaps a bigger need for a more settled life, coming from a tiny town in the outskirts of the "civilized world".

I disagee with PPs who seem to have fixed ideas about what people "should" do when they are at university or recently graduated. Being single, living in a house share... The attitude can be VERY damaging if it's not what the young person wants. It sounds to me like the OP has already had two years at uni, single to begin with, living in a house share, and is now in her final year. She's in a good relationship and wants to live with him - why the hell not?! If it doesn't work out, it will be a learning experience for her. Let her give it a go. Honestly, people telling the OP not to do this are almost as bad as her parents. Let her make her own bloody decision.

My SIL and her DH lived together all through uni. In the first year they were in halls and after that they lived in a flat just the two of them. It wouldn't have been my choice but they were very happy. They also continued to participate in uni life and socialise with friends there. His dad objected very strongly, he didn't like my SIL and thought his son was too young to settle down. It was very upsetting for both of them. They are obviously married now. But even if it hadn't worked out, it was what they wanted at the time - and it was their decision to make.

Some people do meet their life partner when they are young. It's patronising to say they're too young to settle down. Maybe OP is lucky and she has met her life partner - maybe not. But let her work it out for herself.

I want to move in with him.

I live with him now, without my parents knowing, and we get on very well. We both pay bills, we both do all housework, do gardening, buy food shops etc. It works a dream. I just wish they could see that.

Maybe your parent see it as a slippery slope to single parent hood?

Can you talk about your aim goals career etc so the know you are not "throwing it all away" type thing?

Im not suggesting having kids is throwing it away - it just might be what they are thinking?

They know that my plans are career focused and not child focused.

Sally (and others) I don't think you understand that these parents are toxic. They don't have her best interests at heart. If they did, this would never happen (posted by the OP up thread):

"every time I see them we shout and argue over 'another issue that's cropped up'. The last one was about my weight, I only lost 2 pounds in 2 weeks and that wasn't good enough for them and they were fuming."

They are controlling. They don't want her to become more independent or pursue a significant relationship because that would mean them LOSING CONTROL. That's all there is to it.

My kids are older than you are. if I'd tried to pull a stunt like that they'd have told me where to go!
My advice is this - ensure you have very reliable contraception, DON'T get married, DO move in together, and tell your parents that your door is open to them if and when they choose to realise that you are an adult.
Have fun. If it stops being fun, then split.

I dont understand the dont move in/dont get married/dont have children. The op is at uni, nearly finished, in a steady relationship and financially independent. Not that im saying you should get married and have kids, but if she was in a position to do so and wanted to do so, I dont understand why she shouldnt? Do what you think feels right and most likely to bring you the most happiness op. As for advising her to stay in a room share at extra financial cost to herself just to appease her parents, thats absolutely crazy.

What exmotherinlaw said.

Make sure that your back is covered, should you want out at any time.

Work hard, and good luck with the jobs. Enjoy life.

OP if you plan on living with or indeed already are do your sums very carefully. You you will be treated as a couple and your joint income will be taken into account. You will have (as a couple) to start paying council tax and if you get any grants you may lose them.

It may well be worth carrying on living as you are until uni is finished. He officially lives with his parents and spends a couple of nights with you.

I'll adopt you. See my "Becoming a MIL" thread, I'm adopting loads of mumsnet terms I think, lol.

But. They don't have your best interests at heart at all. However you are an adult and its up to you what you do. But they'll control you forever...if you continue to let them.

Mumsnet terms? Mumsnetters!!!

If your parents disown you over this, then it will happen at some point anyway. It wouldnt stop when youre 25

I'm not really sure what you are asking here. You are already living with him, you don't need your parents money, you reckon it will not affect your studies so just do it. You are an adult. Why do you even need their permission just tell them.

Something similar happened to me at 21 after graduating I decided not to move back home but to live with my bf. Parents threatened to disown me. I said ok then, see ya. I hated the way they thought they owned me so reacted against that. The more they said no, they further away they pushed me.
In hindsight 21 was too young for me to settle down. Don't move in with him. Carry on seeing him though, no matter what your parents think.

My DD is at uni but not as far through as you, I am not sure I would be ready for her to move in with just her boyfriend when she was in her third or final year of university, and we pay some (most) of her accommodation, however I realize that as an adult it would be her decision and I certainly wouldn't be threatening to disown her.

Many many years ago when I got together with DH he was a uni student doing a top degree with very good prospects, I had a standard office type job going to college on day release so very similar to your situation. His parents never told him to dump me as I was only a 'trade' and not good enough for him or threatened to disown him for being with me. However we didn't live together as I found a career that I was successful in near my hometown (so stayed with my parents) and he was in a nearby City at Uni.