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Original poster

Ultimatum about me living with boyfriend at university

116 replies

inneedofamum · 03/02/2016 10:42

Long story short, my parents have told me that if I choose to live with my boyfriend, they will disown me. They state that I am under their control until I am 25 and until then, they decide what is right and wrong for me.

Background: I am 21 next month and studying at University. My boyfriend is 23 years old and in full time employment as a commercial contractor in decorating, whilst completing a course at college also. We have been together about a year and a half and are happily together.

Currently we are looking at flats and have chosen one that we would be interested in. I work part-time also and have done the math and I can afford to live there with money spare to save for the future. I see this as a serious relationship, and I have compromised in getting a student flat as opposed to a normal flat with a landlord.

My parents only want what is best for me, and they outright disagree with this decision that I have made. They deem him a distraction, and 'not of the same intellect' as me, therefore the relationship will not work. NB: They have only met him once, at the beginning of the relationship. Since being with my boyfriend my marks have improved by at least 25%.

I do not want to upset my parents, but in the same respect if I waited another year and did what they wanted me to do and get a single occupancy flat then I feel we would still be having this conversation a year from now. I don't want them to disown me (something which they have told me they would do).

I do not want to leave my boyfriend as I am very happy and see a future in this relationship.

Help!

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 03/02/2016 12:22

Are you an only child?

Sounds like they are living in the wrong century. And your dad is a hypocrite. Married/divorced young. What the fuck has your weight got to do with your parents?Confused

There are no guarantees in life op. Your bf makes you happy now and it is normal for two ADULTS to live together.

Original poster
inneedofamum · 03/02/2016 12:22

I just feel torn.

Between a loving, stable, happy relationship with my boyfriend.

and two people who have given me everything in life but cannot trust me to make my own decisions.

My dad said that it is just wrong me living with him, and 'not the right time'. But why not do it now? Life is short and I want to be as happy as possible all of the time!

OP posts:
ChipsandGuac · 03/02/2016 12:22

Why did they get cranky you only lost 2lbs?! This whole thing sounds more and more bizarre. Youre 21 so it's ok to claim your own life now.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General parenting
Original poster
inneedofamum · 03/02/2016 12:23

No I have a sibling also, younger. He is treated the same as I and controlled.

OP posts:
CultureSucksDownWords · 03/02/2016 12:26

Your dad sounds like he is projecting his bad decision (early marriage/divorce) onto you, which isn't fair. And anyway, it isn't a "mistake" to marry young and then divorce, it's just the way it is sometimes.

You can only control your own actions. You have the chance of a good life with your boyfriend. What your parents choose to do is up to them. Just because they gave you the gift of a good education and family holidays doesn't mean you must always obey their edicts throughout your adult life.

ijustwannadance · 03/02/2016 12:29

Seems like the only unhealthy relationship is the one with your parents.

Original poster
inneedofamum · 03/02/2016 12:35

I know what decision to make. It will be tough but I have to do what I feel is right. Thank you for making things clearer. I just had a lot of advice from fellow students and I wanted advice from mums, to try and see this situation from my mum's perspective. Thank you mumsnet x

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 03/02/2016 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadow · 03/02/2016 12:37

Do you think they regard him a threat to their relationship with you?
You are growing up, they naturally lose control, you move in with your boyfriend, and they will well have truly lost you from under their thumb, if they are that controlling.

Now is as good a time as ever. I dont think they are going to let you go with good grace now, or in a year, or with a different boyfriend. Are you going to spend your life looking for a life partner YOU can be happy with, or one that your parents will accept? They might not ever see any man as good enough for you, and use that as a reason to treat you like this.

My advice would be to break the cycle now. Gain your independence, and move on. In time you may be able to to rebuild a different relationship with them.

But I must say, they have conditioned you well, if you are worried they will spend old age alone if they disown you.

Money and guilt trips often go hand in hand.

I bet you have heard numerous times "we gave you everything", "we gave you a private education", "we have spent so much on you" from them, when they try to guilt you into doing as they want.

Original poster
inneedofamum · 03/02/2016 12:43

QuintessentialShadow you are right, I have heard that. I just don't want them to think that by me doing this I have set out to hurt them or throw things back in their face. I am doing this for me and my happiness.

OP posts:
goodnightdarthvader1 · 03/02/2016 12:50

I just don't want them to think that by me doing this I have set out to hurt them or throw things back in their face.

Again, you CAN'T control this. If they are as controlling as you say, they will see any "disobedience" as a betrayal and a slap in the face. After all, they know best! Why aren't you listening to them? How dare you! They just want the best for you? (No, they don't, they want you to live your life according to their rules)

You have to leave them to get on with their own narrative. You can't change their minds. I'm sure lots of us on this thread have tried with our own parents (and we've probably been at this a lot longer than you Grin )

MaybeDoctor · 03/02/2016 13:03

It took me back to read your thread, as I lived through an almost identical situation when I was a young woman.

My honest advice to you would be to pull back, just slightly, from living with your boyfriend at this point in time. You are still very young, only part way through your studies - there is all the time in the world. Why don't you live together, but by taking two separate rooms in a shared student house? So, for example, you + him + two others. Yes, a bit more expensive, but I think that little bit of freedom/autonomy could be invaluable.

I moved in with my boyfriend a few months after graduation, went on to marry him and have therefore never yet lived alone, or properly independently, as an adult. I do regret that. Once you are living with someone it can be quite difficult to disentangle yourself, particularly if you feel you have little family support.

The reason I advise all this is that my father was similarly controlling/critical and over the years I have gradually realised that his nature almost certainly influenced why I went immediately into a serious relationship with someone at a very young age - 17 when we met, 21 when we began living together. The man I chose, funnily enough, also has quite a dominant personality. Of course I didn't realise that at the time - you never do.

I suspect that your relationship with your parents is not very healthy and strongly recommend that you have a little time and space to yourself before entering immediately into a cohabiting relationship with a boyfriend, because there is a very high chance that some of those unhealthy patterns will be influencing the choices you make as you enter adulthood.

Choughed · 03/02/2016 13:16

MaybeDoctor, that is a very sensible and articulate post.

I did several things in reaction against my parents at a similar age, I would have been better advised to pause, think and not make big decisions when I had so little life experience.

Original poster
inneedofamum · 03/02/2016 13:20

we live in a shared house now. i live with a housemate and with my boyfriend. so i know it will work and i have lived on my own. last year he stayed a few nights a week, allowing me to have alone time and vice versa.

OP posts:
MaybeDoctor · 03/02/2016 13:28

Then why not stick like that for the remainder of your time at university?
It sounds like the ideal living situation.

I also knew of several couples who did move into cohabitation arrangements while at university. The problem was that they immediately became a bit out of the loop of general university social interaction, particularly if the other partner was not a student. Some of those relationships lasted, some had broken up before finals - in many cases the pressure to be a semi-'married' couple was all a bit too much.

Original poster
inneedofamum · 03/02/2016 13:34

i cannot afford it in the future, as it is now only like £60 each, so when my housemate goes it will go up to £96 a week with bills on top.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 03/02/2016 13:39

Can you get a new housemate when this one goes?

Advertise on Spare Rooms, and I am sure you will find someone.

My friend charges £600 for a single room near a university, in a 3 bed flatshare.

Gruach · 03/02/2016 13:41

It's true - student cohabitation can very quickly turn into a situation where the female student is doing all the "wife work", picking the man's laundry off the floor and returning it clean, dry and ironed; or doing all the non show-off cooking. Inevitably all the cleaning. Then she gets pregnant and the beloved is out every night with his mates.

Don't let that happen to you!

And remember that - even if you end up buying a house together or have six children - this will almost certainly not be the last or only relationship you enter in your life. Focus on you.

Original poster
inneedofamum · 03/02/2016 13:41

It's not an option anymore, as someone has already signed the new contract for this flat.

OP posts:
MaybeDoctor · 03/02/2016 13:43

Please don't rush into relationship decisions - particularly one that is going to be so disastrous to your relationship with your parents - due to £36 per week. Ask your parents for the money if need be.

Please, put the brakes on.

hownottofuckup · 03/02/2016 13:44

You should absolutely do what you think is right for you. You seem to be going about it all in a sensible fashion, I can't see anything from your posts for anyone to question your decision making over.

It is up to your parents how they choose to deal with you being an adult and making your own decisions. Do not let them make you responsible for that, it is unlikely to ever end, or ever end well, if you do.

You are their child. You are not their avatar.

Best of luck Cake

CultureSucksDownWords · 03/02/2016 13:48

I think your decision to live with your boyfriend is sensible and well thought out. Your parents are jeopardising their relationship with you, due to being overly controlling. That is not something you should pander to as it will only get worse not better.

NameChange30 · 03/02/2016 13:56

Your parents are controlling and toxic. I suspect the threat to disown you is just that; a threat - to make you do as they say. It's vitally important that you set some boundaries and show them that you're an independent adult now, with the ability and the right to make your own decisions. They won't like it, certainly not to begin with, but if they want any kind of relationship with you (which they hopefully do) they will realise that it has to be on those terms.

I suggest you read the book "Toxic Parents" and check out the Stately Homes thread as well. You might find them interesting / enlightening reading!

It sounds like your relationship with your boyfriend is stable and you can afford to move in with him. So my advice is to go for it.

FWIW, I moved in with my boyfriend for my final year at university. We have lived together ever since and we're now married.

NameChange30 · 03/02/2016 13:59

PS You might get more good advice if you ask this thread to be moved to Relationships.

ImperialBlether · 03/02/2016 15:02

Tbh I wouldn't recommend any 20 year old young woman live with her boyfriend, though not because of what your parents say. I just think that you never get that freedom back again, to become the person you're meant to be. And yes, everything might go well with your boyfriend but if it goes badly then living together makes it so much harder to end the relationship.