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Parenting

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Original poster

Domestic violence and Socail Services

86 replies

starplough · 01/01/2016 20:11

Hi,

Basically looking for some help or advice here.

Recently on boxing day me and my partner were at a family dinner and drinks.

After returning home an drunken argument started and the police were called, my partners sister was also in the house who took our 10 week son into another room whilst the police were in.

I was charged with a breach of the peace and domestic violence, after appearing at court I was realised on bail as long as I didn't contact or step foot in the property pending a court date further down the line, we have been advised that it will likely be thrown out of court.

Me and my partner are due to get married later on this year and this was the first time I had ever been given the jail for anything.

Since I cannot make contact with my partner her mother has advised me that social services are now going to get involved over something so daft.

My partner has already stated she did not want to press charges but was told the bail conditions need to stand, from anyone's experience or knowledge can you advise what is likely to happen regarding getting back with my partner and what would happen with our baby.

Any help would be greatly appreciated as you can imagine this is a very stressful time and do not know what to expect.

OP posts:

RomComPhooey · 01/01/2016 21:22

both her and her sister have advised the police one was as bad as the other

Terrific. Here's hoping social services do the right thing by your 10 week old and find him somewhere safe to live where the kind of behaviour you described falls outside normal family discourse.

NerrSnerr · 01/01/2016 21:26

So there are two scenarios here, either you were really drunk and abused your fiancé or you were both really drunk and abusing each other. Neither is good when there is a newborn baby who you should be looking after.

Original poster

starplough · 01/01/2016 21:26

it was breach of the peace and domestic abuse not violence, I did not threaten anyone I did not break anything.

I accept that under a drunk state I was swearing and shouting and the punishment is not currently being allowed to speak or see my fiancé.

do you think it would be fair to blame one person when both parties were as bad as each other?

The police that came to the house didn't even hand cuff me going to the car inside the car or inside the station, now if for one minute they thought I was the horrible person I have been made out to be here would they not restrain me with hand cuffs for their safety?

OP posts:

Lexigrey · 01/01/2016 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BastardGoDarkly · 01/01/2016 21:32

They can't have believed that it was a two way row is all I can think.

Do you know who reported you? Was it her sister?

LIZS · 01/01/2016 21:32

No your "punishment" is the prospective court case and conviction. The restriction on contact is to keep your p and the baby safe while investigations take place. Ss may recommend that continues if you are deemed to pose a risk to the baby's wellbeing. They may also support her if they feel dv has conditioned her to not pursue charges. You are reading too much into anecdotal and superficial things like handcuffs. Did you resist arrest or cooperate? How did you find out what was apparently said to her if you gave had no contact?

Thingsthatmakeugoummmm · 01/01/2016 21:33

There is no sliding scale! Domestic abuse and domestic violence are both unacceptable!!

You have a ten week old baby.

Grow up!

Lightbulbon · 01/01/2016 21:34

You are confusing the criminal proceedings (the police/court) and the civil, child protection procedures which will now be enacted.

SS will investigate regardless of the criminal outcome.

It's bad for dcs of any age to live in a household where 'drunken shouting' as you have described goes on. If you/your dp don't recognise this and take action to stop it happening again they may take measures such as telling you not to live together in order to protect the child if you can't do that yourselves.

Thingsthatmakeugoummmm · 01/01/2016 21:36

Thank you Lightbulbon, couldn't have put it better myself

Original poster

starplough · 01/01/2016 21:37

I understand that lexi.

the ''daft'' statement was one made both our parents.
This did not occur in front of the baby this happened at the other side of the house where he sister was looking after our baby as we don't get out that much with being parents now.

The reason she was not arrested was because I told the police I called her a f*** pysco and a crazy bitch with a drink in her, so me admitting that is enough to arrest me and I said it was my fault and she never swore at me because as bad as I am being made out to be I would not have the mother of my child sitting in a stinking jail cell

OP posts:

BastardGoDarkly · 01/01/2016 21:38

Ss need to be sure this was a one off, and if it was they'll leave you alone.

Going on what you've said as fact, if you work with everyone concerned, I would have thought you can all move on.

But maybe you both need to consider stopping drinking completely.

You do know that shouting and swearing in front of a baby is shit right?

cuntycowfacemonkey · 01/01/2016 21:40

The Government defines domestic violence as. "Any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between adults who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality.

If you were both as bad as each other why were only you arrested?

There's clear and specific guidelines on the use of hand cuffs and none of which is decided on the basis of someone being "horrible". The lack of handcuffs means nothing. Many men who abuse women wouldn't say boo to another male or person outside the home

BastardGoDarkly · 01/01/2016 21:40

*sorry x post, it wasn't in front of the baby.

Arresting you seems a bit strong to me actually, if everything happened just as you say.

Thingsthatmakeugoummmm · 01/01/2016 21:43

BastardGoDarkly can we trust to go on what has been said? It would be interesting to hear the partner and her sister's view. Likewise the police view. I work in this field and am aware that bail conditions and charges being pressed without victim are not taken lightly

VodkaValiumLattePlease · 01/01/2016 21:44

Hopefully social services will get involved in protecting your children if you think it's acceptable to behave in such a toxic manner

NerrSnerr · 01/01/2016 21:46

So who called the police? It must have been a blazing row for someone to call them. It still sounds like you're minimising. Now you're a parent you cannot go out and get so drunk that you get into drunken arguments with the child in the house. It just can't happen. I enjoy a drink but now I'm a parent I can't get wasted anymore- that's just life.

hedgehogsdontbite · 01/01/2016 21:47

Well clearly someone was scared enough of you to call the police. Who was that OP? Or were they just passing and stopped in for a cuppa?

BastardGoDarkly · 01/01/2016 21:48

We have to Things like every other thread?

I often think... I wonder what the other persons view is, but we're never going to know.

This sort of drunken row happens in living rooms up and down the country, especially at popular drinking 'occasions' it's a sad fact unfortunately.

Original poster

starplough · 01/01/2016 21:49

I accept and I am disgusted at myself for drinking that much that I would shout and swear whilst my baby was in the same house.

I still speak to her mum dad and sister everyone still talks see's each other just not me and my fiance as I will break my bail conditions.

All parties from both sides of the family want this over and done with obviously we both have to accept the consequences and move on in life so we can married next year.

The reason I was on hear asking was because I have never had dealings with police court or ss before in my life.

OP posts:

VodkaValiumLattePlease · 01/01/2016 21:54

This forum is filled with people experiencing and trying to escape DV and I think it was very naive to think you would be told everything was going to be okay and you can go back to abusing your partner.

Lightbulbon · 01/01/2016 21:55

IT doesn't matter if the DC was out of earshot.

Ss won't be impressed that you are minimising so much. You need to change your attitude or they will be involved in your lives for quite some time!

Don't minimise.
Accept responsibility.
Take steps to ensure it won't happen again.
Engage with any services they suggest.
Don't get into arguments about how it was 'nothing'. This will make them see you as a greater risk.

BastardGoDarkly · 01/01/2016 22:00

I think you should have both been honest at the time, and said, we were having a row, it got out of hand, it won't happen again, we're very sorry.

By saying you were abusing her, and she did nothing, you've made it so much worse.

(This is a strange choice of forum for legal advice on domestic abuse though)

LikeADivil · 01/01/2016 22:04

Were you jailed? Or just held in a police cell?

Original poster

starplough · 01/01/2016 22:08

I was held in a cell for one night and went to court the next day.

at the time we were both drunk and tensions were high from both sides, if we were less intoxicated the situation would have been brought back to control and dealt with between us the next day when we were sober.

OP posts:

TenTinyTadpoles · 01/01/2016 22:10

For her sake, I hope the accepting of the consequences means that she doesn't marry you. That's the consequence that you deserve and she, and your child, deserve not to be at risk.

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