It is absolutely nothing to do with me but the way dn is being fed is stressing me out

[Everyoneafter3]

Disclaimer: this has bugger all to do with me.

We've just had dn (2.3) round with SIL and MIL. We'd done a buffet of child-friendly cuisine including grated cheese/tuna/Ham sandwiches, veg sticks, sausage rolls, quiche, houmous, pasta in a homemade tomato sauce, grapes cut lengthways. We'd added some more 'grown up' stuff like Indian snacky things and there were crisps too.

Dn has no allergies. MIL arrived with a toddler meal "in case".

Dn ate nothing. Later when she was fractious she was provided with (my dds') chocolate coins. Ate those fine. And of course my dds then wanted chocolate.

This is all the time. She doesn't eat but then gets chocolate later. As far as I know she exists on Weetabix and chocolate. I know dc can be very picky at this age but clearly she won't eat if she knows she'll get chocolate later.

It's very difficult when we're together though as my dds will also want chocolate later and we will say no if they've already eaten

Help me bite my tongue!!!!

Loosen your judgy pants.

As you say there is nothing you can do. You can tell your children that Aunt and uncle do things differently and so DN gets chocolate, but they will just have to accept that in your house your rules for chocolate stand.

there is a lot going on at a social outing....my kids never ate when out of the house at that age - too distracted by new people, places etc. Are you sure it's an on running issue?

If the child looks healthy and not malnourished than certainly I wouldn't say anything.

Happened to me.

Invited family over, checked that kids would eat cottage pie. They didn't, and ate the massive Easter eggs they had brought with instead.

I had wondered why they had brought eggs for their kids as well as mine...

I wasnt sure whether to be more horrified at the pleading, bargaining and begging involved in trying to get them to eat the cottage pie or the resolution of the situation by saying that they had to eat something and giving them the Easter eggs.

But I did hold the line with my kids - they didn't like it but knew there wasn't any way I'd let them have chocolate for lunch.

I didn't say anything at all until the family had left and my kids were safely in bed, and then DH and had a little, private 'what!'.

Well the fact they helped themselves to your child's chocolate is your business. Why didnt you take it off them and say you werent opening Dd's chocolates yet until she had eaten her lunch/dinner?

Please don't judge, some kids are fussy eaters at that age, if yours aren't you are LUCKY, that is it.

Mine wouldn't eat much of that either at that age or now (3.5) though he would eat fruit. Being somewhere unfamiliar makes it worse.

He has been going to nursery since age two and has never, yes actually NEVER touched the hot meals they serve there. He will not try new foods no matter how many times we offer.

I hate it and I feel like the nursery are judging me for not 'sorting this out'. I cook healthy, varied meals, he does not eat them. How he keeps growing is a mystery to me.

The thought that other people are judging what is already a stressful situation makes it so much worse.

I do agree with you about not giving chocolate instead though, particularly someone else's!

My DS would do that out and about, he's not allowed any treat food at home unless he's had a balanced day but I just let it go on big 'occasions' as otherwise the tantrumming just spoils it for everyone. Saying that he wouldn't be allowed chocolate if other people's children were still eating nicely etc. I'd wait until they had their treats.

Actually just rereading your post DS would have eaten some grapes and crisps at the buffet and I would NEVER give him another child's chocolate!!

A relative of mine did similar. Once he had been taken to the fish and chip shop prior to a dinner I had cooked. They were obsessed at getting calories into him (usually in chip/chocolate/garlic bread - his staple foods) form and from my occasional observer relationship, seemed not to notice the correlation between the 11am and 2pm chocolate bars and the lack of eating lunch.

He is now older (but still a child) and eats normal meals (which includes a range of likes exotic foods!) at normal mealtimes.

You've just got to swallow it up and loudly proclaim the anti chocolate rules in your own house when they're around. In a passive aggressive way

I feel for you. My DB allows my DN who is 6 to eat the same portions as he does. And anything else he likes. Has resulted in my nephew wearing size 8-9clothes which need rolled up at the ankles just so they'll fit round his waist.

He is now obese and cannot play with other kids for long but this is a very touchy subject and when you try and talk about with DB you are met with hostility. He seems to think giving him what he wants is easier than the fight to say no. All the family have tried to help but are told to butt out.

DD wouldn't eat and if your buffet and she's 2.

She has an issue with her tonsils which makes swallowing uncomfortable if the food isn't 'wet or soft ' so to speak and so exists on Ella's pouches still and a very limited range of other foods, which occasionally includes chocolate.

We have seen specialists galore but they have all said that other than her tonsil issue she is a normal kid and some normal kids just don't like certain textures or have an adversity to trying things and it's not the end of the world and she'll get there.

DS was exactly the same until age 4 and DD1 ate everything she could get her hands on so its not my parenting.

I'm sick though of the judging around what I feed her and the funny looks when she's still eating baby food at her age.

Parenting is fucking hard work sometimes and we all need to cut each other some slack not sit there with raised eyebrows judging each other. Plus it's Christmas, I'm sure you've had some crap filled meals rather than your regular salad!

My friends like this. Her kids have major sugar addictions because they were weaned on to chocolate and frubes instead of food. She thinks I force feed my kids but they eat normal homemade 'adult' meals (because that's what their used to)

Of course it's different for children with ASD or painful mouthes.

Surely if tonsiLs are so painful that they restrict diet you get them removed? Plenty of kids have their tonsils removed it's not a big deal

Thanks for all the input.

We've been judged and judged and judged by MIL and SIL for not filling our dc with junk at every opportunity. Moreover, when ours were this age and we went for food there they ate what was on offer.

I was holding dn a while back and dn went mad over the sight of cucumber, must have been about 7 mo at the time and had been 'on solids' from the age of 12 weeks. Mine loved sucking on cucumber slices at that age (won't touch it now!) so I gave dn one who loved it. Dn had sucked about three with great gusto when SIL removed the cucumber and started shovelling in cake mashed with double cream.

Yes, I'm judging. Yes, parenting is hard work. I have two dc myself and we've had our own issues with various things. Yes, it's Christmas. Most toddlers I know would have found something on that buffet. We've had similar before and hsve offered a 'proper' meal (we batch cook and freeze), or even some toast or breadsticks. Part of the issue is that MIL influences SIL and she seems to think children need soft food: she once mashed my dc1 lunch at the age of four: dc1 was mortified.

Twinkie that sounds awful - I had horrific tonsil problems as a child and missed tons of school. They came out when I was four.

It is actually a big deal to have your tonsils removed as a v small child. Consultants would only do it if it gives her sleep apnea or stops her eating at all.

We have to wait another 6 months but even then as she is small for her age they may make us wait longer.

THe issue is that chewing helps the muscles develop that enable speech so not chewing any food can impact on speech development.

Dn had sucked about three with great gusto when SIL removed the cucumber and started shovelling in cake mashed with double cream.

What an extraordinary thing to have happened, OP. What did you say / do?

I made this face and stood there.

Wasn't sure what else I could do really!

Hi OP, I would feel judgy as well in your situation, but then I would force myself to remember that I'm very lucky to have the good fortune of DC that are good eaters and would try and take more of a 'let them do whatever works for them' attitude.

Taking your DDs xmas present chocolates is just wrong though under any circumstances

I have no issues informing my (veg refusing) niece and nephew that when they are at our house they will not get pudding unless all vegetables are cleared from their plate. Full stop and no negotiations.

The same rules apply to my children and I often have to repeat this same mantra to my children, so cannot see any logic in applying different rules to other children I am feeding.

I know my DN and DN don't eat veg so I give them 'safe' veg like carrots and only a tiny portion - but in my house they follow my rules.

Yes, we've been telling ourselves that we are fortunate.

It's difficult though when we're together and we're expecting our dc to eat what's on offer (and always have done) and dn's eating chocolate.

The pattern is that dn will be offered something - a toddler ready meal, usually - refuse it, get hungry later on and be given as much chocolate as they want. It's like dn has realised if they don't eat it doesn't matter as they'll get some chocolate later.

SIL told us that dn only eats one meal a day (breakfast) and just picks on chocolate to fill up.

My dc have been through picky phases but we've worked through it by continuing to offer what we offer. It seems to me that dn isn't actually being offered much beyond toddler meals.

What won't be helping is MIL's utterly bizarre attitude to food. She'll buy sweets that say "contains real juice" and declare them healthy. If we're eating at hers and the dc don't finish everything on their plates she'll see this as a sign that they need more food within 30 minutes as "they didn't eat much". She very nearly made dc1 sick by forcing more cake in (poor dc1 didn't want to be rude and say no!).

Worryingly, MIL genuinely believes that the heavier you are, the healthier you are. Our dc are healthy sizes but she desperately wants them "fed up".

Our only rule is that they have to try what's on their plates. They don't have to finish everything but they have to try.

Everyoneafter3, while I do empathise, you are being really, really judgemental and it's becoming a bit vulgar now.

Maintain your own rules with regards to your children when SIL is there. Lead by example.

I kind of get it. If you can't be judgemental on here, and therefore gain a lot of different views in the process, where else can you be? At least this way it's coming out here and DN, SIL etc. will be none the wiser.

Personally I can't see the vulgar thing - if DN eats breakfast and then picks at chocolate all day that's pretty horrifying. What about her teeth?!

And she should rightly be worried about her MIL wanted to feed up children. OP, what does your DH say?

We're lucky at the moment in that our DS (2.9) eats everything at the moment but I am sure this will change in time! We've already been through a beige food only phase which was pretty awful.