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Original poster

OK I know it's quite an individual situation thing but please place a vote for the best age gep in children!

84 replies

bramblina · 14/12/2006 21:05

From your experience- do you have what you consider to be the best gap? Or if you could tweak it a little, what would you have? Dh and I would like a 2yr and-a-bit gap between ds and the next but it's going to make no2 a christmas baby so I'm thinking...perhaps a little too hard...that we should leave it a little, to spring, making a 2 3/4 gap...hmmm

Anyone care to add something? Please?!

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morningpaper · 14/12/2006 21:06

3 years exactly

PIECE OF PISS

rarrie · 14/12/2006 21:07

I have a 3yr gap, and so far so good!

SenoraPostrophe · 14/12/2006 21:09

19 months: v hard work
31 months: pretty good!

I think the key thing is for the most rcent other child to be able to feed themselves and be out of nappies. changing 2 nappies at once is messy!

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SenoraPostrophe · 14/12/2006 21:10

but otoh, ds and dd (the 19 month gap) get on really well and after the first year it's fine.

Miaou · 14/12/2006 21:10

I've got 17 months between the first two, 6.5 years between no.2 and no.3, and there will be 23 months between no.3 and no.4. More or less the way we planned it, though originally we had thought that 5 years between the first two and the second two was a good gap.

Interesting that you found a 3 year gap worked for you mp - I avoided that like the plague because every friend I had with a 3 year gap had real problems with jealousy/rivalry that lasted for years.

Sorry bramblina, that probably doesn't help you at all!

JollyOldSaintNikkielas · 14/12/2006 21:15

21 months for us and they are best friends (most of the time )dd1 can't remember there being no dd2 (so not really ha d the jealousy) and she was out of nappies in the day so didn't have 2 in nappies at the same time !

morningpaper · 14/12/2006 21:16

Really Miaou that's very interesting

If anything, my dd1 seems to think that the baby (who is now 1) is HERS, and gets jealous if the baby is giving other people attention etc.

I think that having a GIRL first helps, tbh - friends with boys first have struggled a lot more I think - hate to say it but I think that the dolly obsession fueled a love for the "real" baby

Miaou · 14/12/2006 21:21

Ah yes you may be right there - it's all boys who have had the problem sharing mummy (I do know of a girl with a brother 3 years younger and she was fine with him!). Sounds mad but I never thought of that!!!

(Am hoping that as ds will be not quite two when the baby comes along, he will be ok about it. He already has to share me with the dds ... however I think he thinks they are extra mummies )

Mmmmm bramblina - you have a ds don't you ...

SenoraPostrophe · 14/12/2006 21:23

about the girl/boy/doll thing: ds1 adores ds2 (age gap 31 months or thereabouts. maybe 32 actually). but then he has always played with dolls too. not for as long as dd does, but he does play with them. I think that may be the key.

WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 14/12/2006 21:25

I would say anything but 2.5 years. We had been warned, and were kind of aiming for 2 3/4 years, but we were seemingly more fertile than we thought so it happened on the first attempt.

Anyway, I had two in nappies for a while, terrible jealousy, and all kinds of transitions of "stuff" from the older to younger.

I have seen smaller gaps work, but I think anything between 2.5 - 3 is difficult.

Not to say you shouldn't do it - I only have one age gap, so I don't know any different. It could just be my PND that has slanted my view? (hears the psycho music in the background)

FauveGoldRings · 14/12/2006 21:25

A four-year gap worked well for us.

carlsberg · 14/12/2006 21:26

16 months between my 2 boys and they fight like cat and dog.

Medea · 14/12/2006 21:34

I have a 3-yr gap, which I thought would be ideal, but it's pants for sibling rivalry. Also it's hard to keep them entertained simultaneously. For example, tomorrow I have a long train journey with them (they're 7 & 4) and I'll need to pack different books, different toys, different games. . .they just don't have the same interests. The older one is so far beyond what the little ones is doing but, instead of being nurturing/helpful with his little sister, he's jealous of any attention she gets and vice versa. I reckon a 4 yr gap might have been better for me. . .more of a chance of the older one "looking after" the younger one.

There was a two-year gap between my brother and me and we fought even harder than my two do.

I think, though, a lot is down to their little personalities, really, and the dynamic between them. . .which can't be pre-planned!

heavenlyghosty · 14/12/2006 21:37

4.2 year gap for my two - not planned that way, just ended up so
Good Points:
Older child is self sufficient, ie, feed himself, talk, tell you what he wants, sleeps through the night
Is toilet trained, no toddler and newborn in nappies scenario
Can understand the concept of "Can you do some colouring while I feed the baby?" and "Can you not shout your head off in the sleeping baby's ear?"
No double buggies
No co-ordinating to children for sleeps
Great helper for fetching and carrying
Older one has had longer one to one with Mum
Younger one gets more one to one time with mum when older one goes to school

Bad Points:
HUGE shock to the system of 4 year old who is used to having Mum to himself for all his life ... bigger transition IMO taking longer to get used to than a 2 year old would
Big back track to nappies and baby gear etc when you have been used to a fairly independent little companion
Long time before Older and Younger have much in common (DS is 7 now, DD is nearly 3 ... they play nicely now, when DS is in the right frame of mind, but for ages she was really really boring for him - until she was about 2 really)
Life for the Older one can become quite restricted when he is just ready for more exciting adventures (Beach holidays etc not my cup of tea with a baby but the 4 year old would love it sort of thing)

I can't change the gap but if I could I would go to what most of my friends have .... 2 - 3 year gap.

frenchleave · 14/12/2006 21:40

I agree that under 2.5 years is good for avoiding jealousy etc - my girls are 2yrs 2 months apart and it was, and is, fine. Apart from a short-lived issue of Granny-sharing that DD1 wasn't happy with . Probably helps that they are both girls though, I'm sure that has an influence.

Then 6.5 years between DD2 and DS - brilliant so far! The girls adore their baby brother.

kama · 14/12/2006 21:41

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FauveGoldRings · 14/12/2006 21:47

Kama, I have a girl and a boy, and I think that the big age gap (4 years) and the gender difference does help them feel very different, as you're saying. So we don't get much in the way of comparison.

2000milestoeidsvold · 14/12/2006 21:55

2years 4 months which is what we have achieved without trying between dd1 and dd2 and now dd2 and third baby due mar 07.

hoxtonchick · 14/12/2006 21:58

i have a 3.5 yr age gap between mine (boy first, then girl). it wasn't what we planned, but has worked out really really well. ds is so sensible & grown up, really looks out for dd & puts up with her crazy toddler behaviour (they're now almost 5 & 17 months). dd worships ds. she's the jealous one though, gets all cross when i'm cuddling him - she wouldn't be a good middle child....

marymillington · 14/12/2006 22:04

when this babe arrives ds will be 2.3 mos or thereabouts. no real planning involved whatsoever.

i think i would have made efforts have a bigger gap, though maybe not much, another year tops, if i wasn't so ancient

would a christmas baby really be a problem?

mummypig · 14/12/2006 22:10

I had 2y3m between my two boys and would have preferred a longer gap. Didn't avoid the jealousy at all, ds1 was intensely jealous for at least the first year. Now thinking of number 3 but want to wait until ds2 is at least 3 - so he isn't going through the whole discovering self and pushing boundaries thing they do between 2 and 3 years - and preferably already well settled in at nursery school, so I can have a bit of time at home with the new one. But then ds2 isn't used to being the only one, so probably will be more welcoming of a new sibling than ds1 was in any case.

Ds1 and ds2 do play together fairly well at the moment, though (now 2 1/2 and 4 3/4)

Mind you, my dp and his brother are only 2 years apart and apparently played together well as pre-schoolers but then really hated each other until they got to be adults. They still aren't very close. In contrast they both adore their little sister, 6 years younger than the middle son.

I have a sister 10 years younger than me and we get on terrifically. From the moment she was born I felt very responsible for her, and I can't remember being jealous of her. It's been great to see her growing up into an adult, and now that she's in her twenties and I'm in my thirties we are best friends - the 10 year gap doesn't seem very big any more.

MrsMaloryTowers · 14/12/2006 22:10

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naughtymummy · 14/12/2006 22:14

I have a boring and conventional 2.5 year gap (boy then girl). I went for this because DS played realy nicely with his 4year old auntie when he was 18 months old., and I just avoided the whole double buggy/double nappy thing by a hair's breath. We have had some issues with jealousy but in the whole it has made him much more loving and nuturing than previously.

There is a theory that less than 18 months is the easiest as elder has no memory of life without younger, you can nearly feed them the same food and do potty training together etc. I know 2 families with this gap (1, 13m 1, 11m)and now both seem to do brilliantly (with a 1.5 and 2.5 year old )

From what I have seen in my friends 18m-2years is hardest and every month after 2 years makes it easier as older child is more independant. Interesting to see people describe 3 years as very difficult, can i ask why

Milliways · 14/12/2006 22:15

4.5 yrs. Get one to school & then no.2 gets individual attention at home!

naughtymummy · 14/12/2006 22:15

I have a boring and conventional 2.5 year gap (boy then girl). I went for this because DS played realy nicely with his 4year old auntie when he was 18 months old., and I just avoided the whole double buggy/double nappy thing by a hair's breath. We have had some issues with jealousy but in the whole it has made him much more loving and nuturing than previously.

There is a theory that less than 18 months is the easiest as elder has no memory of life without younger, you can nearly feed them the same food and do potty training together etc. I know 2 families with this gap (1, 13m 1, 11m)and now both seem to do brilliantly (with a 1.5 and 2.5 year old )

From what I have seen in my friends 18m-2years is hardest and every month after 2 years makes it easier as older child is more independant. Interesting to see people describe 3 years as very difficult, can i ask why