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Original poster

Told DS masturbation isn't normal

102 replies

AtSea1979 · 17/12/2015 17:47

It's up there with the worst things you can say isn't it Sad
DS is 10, my XH had 'the talk' with him against my wishes as I thought he was still too young. Since then DS has changed, takes ages to get dressed, have a shower etc.
Two weeks ago I caught him playing with himself, I sneaked back out unseen but today I lost my patience and snapped. I burst in to his room and said "for goodness sake DS just get dressed and stop playing with yourself, it's not normal, you are 10 years old, go play with a football not your willy".
I told him I was sorry and tired but haven't broached the subject. Felt awful all day about it but I'm just really not prepared at all for how much it has thrown me and how unsettled I feel when he's taking too long in the bathroom.
Tell me I'm not the only one to find this difficult and how should I handle it better when I need to get out the door.

OP posts:
Notrevealingmyidentity · 22/12/2015 00:50

I actually found the likening of having a baby to a big poo quite amusing.

Sorry that's not helpful. What is it they teach children in Dublin sex ed that's so bad ?

LillyInTheMoon · 22/12/2015 01:01

To be fair, OP, if I remember correctly your son walked in on you having sex not so long ago. Someone had to have the talk with him. Without sex ed at school it could all become very confusing for him without a trusted adult to talk to

SpecialistSnowflake · 22/12/2015 01:11

It's interesting that you won't say what was so inappropriate about the sex ed classes. I'm guessing it's because you already know that most of us wouldn't agree.

Masturbation at his age is perfectly normal. Sex ed classes would have told him that...

Interested in this thread?

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10 year olds Families General parenting
Lightbulbon · 22/12/2015 01:27

What was in the class that was inappropriate?

2 hours to get ready is ridiculous but that's a different issue.

Bunbaker · 22/12/2015 07:03

"Maybe it's just me, but I don't think having a baby is remotely like having a big poo."

It was for me. One of the midwives described it like that as well.

Costacoffeeplease · 22/12/2015 07:16

I'm not sure that 'having a big poo' should be the first thing a child is told about having a baby Confused no wonder she wasn't interested in hearing more

Op, from this, and previous threads, you do seem to have issues around sex and privacy - is it worth having a think about that and seeing if you can work out why, and maybe getting some books for your son that he can read alone, or with you?

Bunbaker · 22/12/2015 07:17

She did ask what it felt like. How else could I answer the question?

AngieBolen · 22/12/2015 07:20

Having a baby is nothing like having a big poo! Grin

The boy is not damaged by snapping at him and telling him to hurry up. I've told my DC it's not normal to do lots of things....hasn't seemed to make them feel bad about doing it.

It's not as though you said stop it, it's disgusting!

Master bating so long you're late for school/work really isn't normal.

differentnameforthis · 22/12/2015 07:20

I'd be very surprised if the sex ed talk wasn't appropriate for their age, schools have to be very careful with lesson content these days.

He isn't embarrassed by his body notrevealing what made you assume that? He will soon if you aren't careful!

Costacoffeeplease · 22/12/2015 07:33

She did ask what it felt like. How else could I answer the question?

Maybe, not quite so literally?

TheHouseOnTheLane · 22/12/2015 07:40

Oh God OP. Why are you even AWARE when he's doing his thing??

It's really NOTHING to do with you and you have boundary issues.

Youarentkiddingme · 22/12/2015 08:00

Oh OP - Wine it's never too early for wine when you catch your 10yo having a fiddle! But believe me, it'll happen again!

My DS is 11 and has ASD. That makes its easier to have set rules and routines around things (but doesn't really allow for flexibility!). I've caught him fiddling a few times. When he was younger I use to say "that is for in your bedroom when you are in your own" now I have to say "now is not the time, you need to be getting dressed, washed, packing bag etc'. Mind you DS is just as likely to be fiddling with Lego, paper, knex, thin air! - rather than focussing on what he should be doing!

I've just said to him it's perfectly normal to want to fiddle with his penis, but it's not ok to do it when he has to get ready or anyone else is in the room or can see him.

BipBippadotta · 22/12/2015 08:03

OP, you wanted to know you weren't the only one 'to find this difficult' (not clear whether you meant ds's nascent sexuality or lateness?) and advice on 'how to handle it better when you need to get out the door'.

  1. I think everyone finds consistent lateness difficult. I think more people than are willing to admit find it difficult knowing when and how to talk to their dc about sex and puberty.
  1. How to handle it better when you need to get out the door: if you really just want to be on time, in future I think you could just tell him to hurry up without making any mention of his willy & what he might be doing with it.

In terms of how you fix the situation of having told him touching himself isn't normal (& btw it's entirely normal for boys to be at it whenever they possibly can from this age on - so please don't worry), no big talk is needed - just a sincere apology, and giving him a bit more privacy / not barging in into his room as others have noted.

Allyearcheer · 22/12/2015 08:04

I think OP is being unfairly harshed on by some. and she asked for help in a situation she knows she handled badly. Accusing her of being repressed is hardly constructive.
And why on earth do people think the idea that 'the talk' made him start masterbating is so preposterous? One of my friends decided to try masturbating precisely after hearing boys talking in the school loos about this.

Allyearcheer · 22/12/2015 08:09

Quit agree with bigpippa. I know I will struggle a bit with ds moving from being a child to sexual youth. I am far less likely to turn to mumsnet for support after reading some of the posts here.

SanityClause · 22/12/2015 08:15

My parents (Christian fundamentalists) withdrew me from sex education at school when I was about 11 or 12.

A couple of years later, I was being pressured by a boyfriend into having sex, and I had no real idea of appropriate contraception. I could easily have been pregnant at 14, if he'd tried a bit harder.

Bambambini · 22/12/2015 08:40

Just realised my youngest hasn't had sex ed at school and he's yr 6. School used to do it but just seemed to have dropped it the past few years. Are state schools requied to provide it or can they pick and choose?

BipBippadotta · 22/12/2015 08:42

Sex education on the whole is a good thing - but you can't really underestimate the importance of how it's presented. I went to a lovely hippie school where we spent a couple of weeks a year on sex education - this was very rare in those days, and the school was very proud of its curriculum. During this time I was utterly fucking traumatised by being made to watch an hour-long video of a woman giving birth when I was 8 or 9; the following year we were shown endless photographs of genital chancres and weeping lesions and emaciated people dying of AIDS. We were taught about respectful and loving relationships and sexual diversity as well, but funnily enough that's not the bit that sticks in my memory. I came away convinced that human genitalia were a unique source of unbearable suffering.

I'm sure things have moved on a bit since then but even with the best will in the world you can scare people about their (& others') bodies in all sorts of ways. Every generation finds a new way of doing it Xmas Wink.

I think as long as you're sure your dc knows what to expect from puberty, how sex works, and how to protect him/herself & respect others, that's all it really needs for now.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 22/12/2015 10:41

Exactly. Why do people assume I haven't spoken to my DS about growing up? Of course I have. He knows about puberty.
XH is spot on really? You have absolutely no idea what he said to DS only that he spoke to him about masturbation. XH is usually far from spot on on most things but that's a whole other thread, as is the education on. Why do people assume because I withdrew him from that particular lesson on that particular day that I will in the future? It was one lesson. I deliberately scheduled his dentist that afternoon. This year I assume they will no longer be showing the same crude misogynist video and will have moved on to more grown up detail so I expect he will attend.

OP posts:
Graceymac · 22/12/2015 10:50

My dds aged 5 & 7 know how babies are made because I have told them because they asked. They also know that most of the animal kingdom make babies in the same way. I don't see anything wrong with a child knowing this as they are growing up, it will just be something they know about like many other things and therefore less of a big deal than doing 'the big talk' in a few yrs time.

SuburbanRhonda · 22/12/2015 11:01

I think OP is being unfairly harshed on by some.

Please tell me "harshed on" isn't a new expression Shock

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 22/12/2015 11:47

Exactly Grace makes much more sense to me for it just to be every day stuff rather than a big 'talk'.
I understand the school have to have their 'talk' but I disagreed with XH making a big deal out of it just because school had.
Though I do stand by my original statement that I believe XH explanation has introduced the idea to DS, obviously I might be wrong, it doesn't matter really.
XH has very different views to parenting than me. DS has come home upset because the tooth fairy didn't visit and Santa etc. XH tells DS that I lie to him, that Santa and the tooth fairy don't exist and that he (XH) is the only adult he can trust to tell him the truth etc. So over the years we have fallen out about XH taking away DS childhood years so I guess in some ways this 'talk' just felt like another one of those moments where he was forcing DS to grow up quicker than needs be.

OP posts:
PrimeDirective · 22/12/2015 12:30

Though I do stand by my original statement that I believe XH explanation has introduced the idea to DS
This is just delusional. You clearly have problems with your ex and you are looking to blame him for this too.
He has not forced your DS to grow up quicker than he needed to and he didn't teach him to masturbate. It's good and important that he is able to talk to his dad about his body and sex. His dad can give him a persepective and understanding that you just can't.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 22/12/2015 22:54

Hmm he isn't able to talk to his dad about his body and sex. What gave you the idea he could? The only delusional one is you, who keeps jumping to ludicrous assumptions.
Maybe he didn't get the idea from the talk I'll never know and don't want to but if someone says something is good is it such a leap that people try it? Probably not. But your unfounded idea that my XH is spot on and able to talk to my DS where I fail is simply not true.

OP posts:
PrimeDirective · 23/12/2015 00:02

His dad did talk to him about sex, so you are suggesting that your DS wasn't involved in that conversation - it was all one sided, but he decided it sounded like so much fun he would have to start masturbating on a regular basis?

I don't believe for a second that he started masturbating because his dad told him about it, but what is even wrong with him masturbating?
I think it's unlikely his dad told him to masturbate every morning when he is supposed to be getting ready.