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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Told DS masturbation isn't normal

102 replies

AtSea1979 · 17/12/2015 17:47

It's up there with the worst things you can say isn't it
DS is 10, my XH had 'the talk' with him against my wishes as I thought he was still too young. Since then DS has changed, takes ages to get dressed, have a shower etc.
Two weeks ago I caught him playing with himself, I sneaked back out unseen but today I lost my patience and snapped. I burst in to his room and said "for goodness sake DS just get dressed and stop playing with yourself, it's not normal, you are 10 years old, go play with a football not your willy".
I told him I was sorry and tired but haven't broached the subject. Felt awful all day about it but I'm just really not prepared at all for how much it has thrown me and how unsettled I feel when he's taking too long in the bathroom.
Tell me I'm not the only one to find this difficult and how should I handle it better when I need to get out the door.

OP posts:

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Notrevealingmyidentity · 21/12/2015 23:16

Seriously ? Sex ed from school wasn't appropriate ? It really concerns me that some people seem to be so uptight about sex and puberty. I honestly thought we had moved on. I can't understand why people have "the talk" at all. Why don't you just explain as they grow ?

10 isn't that young. Some of his female peers will have their periods already. Your ex has done him a favour really.

Anyway. Just explain that while it is normal it's something people only do in private.

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2015 23:17

I don't understand this.

Apart from the one time when you actually caught him playing with himself and sneaked out again, how on earth did you know he was doing it again?

How do you know that's what he's doing when he takes a long time in the bathroom, and how did you know that was what he was doing when you burst into his room and had a go at him?

Notrevealingmyidentity · 21/12/2015 23:18

It makes me quite sad people seem to be so ashamed of their bodies. My mum explained sanitary towels as something women sometimes needed but as though they were something bad and never to be discussed. She was utterly horrified I asked in a public loo. (I could see the dispenser by the dryers).

And that was nearly 30 years ago.

AtSea1979 · 21/12/2015 23:19

Don't be daft of course I haven't got issues. Just lost my rag with him for taking so long and entered unchartered territory. as for the useless school that's another issue all together

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2015 23:19

And I'm sorry but from what you've said so far, you do seem rather uptight and a little...I don't know if 'obsessed' is the right word (probably not), but you do seem to be obsessing a bit over the whole sex ed and masturbation thing.

10 is certainly not too young to know about sex. In fact my worry would have been that by 10, he would have already heard some rather confusing and often false information in the playground.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 21/12/2015 23:20

If you think that a 10 year old who is dawdling to get ready for school is absolutely definitely ONLY late because they are masturbating (and never day dreaming, reading, fiddling with toys, making stupid faces in the mirror, listening to music, chatting on phone.... etc) then you do have issues, yes

Not that he doesn't - just that there is such a weird cause / effect thing going on in your mind

exH talked about sex to ds
now he is slow to get ready
a. he must be masturbating
b, which is only because exH taught him how to do it

There are so many things wrong with this train of thought that my mind is blown

And what was wrong with the school sex ed stuff? please tell us

Notrevealingmyidentity · 21/12/2015 23:21

Why would you not talk about this with him earlier then ? I just don't understand it.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 21/12/2015 23:22

I also would like to know what the school planned to show ? I can't think what it could have been that was so bad ?

AtSea1979 · 21/12/2015 23:23

Worra he isn't very discreet. It's kind of obvious. I don't mean the full on stuff. But he's going through the stage i thought he'd missed when he was a toddler, hands in pocket type stuff. He isn't embarrassed by his body notrevealing what made you assume that?

OP posts:

Notrevealingmyidentity · 21/12/2015 23:24

I'm assuming you are not him since you didn't want to discuss it with him.

BastardGoDarkly · 21/12/2015 23:25

Op, you've said yourself, the thought of him masturbating in the house makes you uncomfortable.

Poor kid is bound to feel embarrassed and possibly ashamed after your outburst.

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2015 23:25

Anyway it's done now and you can't turn back the clock, but you can at least try hard to limit the possible damage.

Many adults with sexual problems/hang-ups, often say it's due to having been made to feel guilty/dirty/ashamed by their parents as a child.

I think you need a proper chat with him and to try to lighten yourself up about the whole sex subject.

Perhaps this is why your ex decided to have a talk with him alone.

Bubbletree4 · 21/12/2015 23:26

Op, your boy is 10. They've heard it all in the playground by then. I do not think there could be anything in a school video that I would be unwilling to show my 9yo. They have to learn, they have to learn in a supportive environment. Unless the police or ofstead are at the school's door, I would have allowed the video. Surely other kids would have told him the contents.

Bunbaker · 21/12/2015 23:27

"I can't understand why people have "the talk" at all. Why don't you just explain as they grow"

Because some children, like my daughter, don't want to know and stick their fingers in their ears and go la la la. Well DD didn't exactly do that, but she really, really didn't want to know at all, so I was pleased that at school she would have to sit and look and listen.

When she came home after the session I just asked what she had done at school that day and she said "nothing much"

Wolpertinger · 21/12/2015 23:27

It could be related to his SN - he may have trouble picking up that there is a time and a place. As a PP said, it is very very important you talk to him about this as if he doesn't learn what is private and consensual he is at risk of abuse, likely to get in trouble at school if he thinks having a fiddle in a lesson is OK and he definitely needs help to understand what is and isn't OK in a relationship.

What he really needs is 2 parents who are happy to have open and frank conversations with him rather than trying to avoid it on the basis he is too young.

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2015 23:27

Sorry, X posted.

Worra he isn't very discreet. It's kind of obvious. I don't mean the full on stuff. But he's going through the stage i thought he'd missed when he was a toddler, hands in pocket type stuff.

That doesn't explain how you apparently know he's masturbating when taking too long in the toilet, or behind a closed bedroom door??

AtSea1979 · 21/12/2015 23:30

HowBad I never said absolutely definitely. Just on this occasion. The rest like I said is me being flustered and damn right fed up of having to get up hours before I need to leave the house to give DS time/privacy to get dressed alone. I'd much prefer to stand over him cracking the whip and get out the house sooner but I accept he's growing up and needs his privacy so instead I'm having to go up and downstairs like yoyo with umpteen timers. But advice at start of thread was helpful, it's trying to explain to DS that he can't keep making us late and there being consequences to us being late.

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Notrevealingmyidentity · 21/12/2015 23:30

That makes sense bunbaker

Can I ask even when she was small - say 3/4 did she never have questions about why you had boobs and she didn't or find your tampons or anything like that ?

Bunbaker · 21/12/2015 23:34

"or find your tampons or anything like that ?"

I never kept them in the house bathroom as we have an en suite so she never saw them. I was 41 when she was born and stopped having periods by the time she was old enough to understand about them, and no, she never asked about boobs. She used to ask about having babies and I told her it was like having a very big poo.

I have always been very open with her, but she finds everything embarrassing. She is 15 now BTW.

starry0ne · 21/12/2015 23:40

I asked shouted at my Ds what he was doing the other morning what he was doing..His answer staring into space..This was a school day... I agree he may not of been masterbating.. I can also tell you at 8 he has alsorts on the playground but has come home and asked me as many of his bits of info are very confused..

NinjaClaws · 22/12/2015 00:01

Are you in Dublin OP? I think that would probably explain your concerns about the school's ability to provide suitable sex education.

CockwombleJeff · 22/12/2015 00:02

Rather than manage your boy I think you need some support managing your stressors.

That poor child having his mum bombard in his room making thoughtless embarrassing comments is not going to help your son at all.

Your ex by the way sounds spot on .

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grumpysquash2 · 22/12/2015 00:05

She used to ask about having babies and I told her it was like having a very big poo.

Do you think this could be the reason why she didn't want to know about growing up later on?

Maybe it's just me, but I don't think having a baby is remotely like having a big poo.

Conundrumparpapumpum · 22/12/2015 00:13

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NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 22/12/2015 00:13

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