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Original poster

don't think i've got the personality to be a SAHM

78 replies

RanToTheHills · 13/12/2006 19:48

i'm impatient, I get bored with kids' games, I can't tolerate songs/rhymes/stories on long car ride for upwards of 5 mins. I can't be fascinated about other kids' feats. I realise this makes me sound horrible - I do love my own, even ds1 most of the time and he's particularly trying. On the whole though I'm not and never have been a child-loving person. I'm wondering about giving up work to spend more time with mine but dread the thought of endless play-dough, awful playdates and my brain turning to water. not meaning to sound on the attack here, just voicing my real fears, petty though they may be.

OP posts:

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Original poster

RanToTheHills · 13/12/2006 21:11

escape and go to a friend's for a couple of nights leaving him to cope with shcool run and no food? Been tempted to do that myself, it would be such a brilliant lesson!

OP posts:

SmileysPeople · 13/12/2006 21:20

You 2 give yourself such a hard time about being crap mothers, but than scratch the surface and your actually dealing with being dumped on and generally stressed and pissed off. Not likely to be sparkly finger painting mummies.
Lol at Cod 'can't you put them in nursery?'
Yeah SAHM'hood only comes naturally to people who put their children in nursery to have time to themself?!? You wish you lived in her world.
Loads of time then to be judgemental and snidy to lesser beings.

Mercy · 13/12/2006 21:32

I didn't see anyone say why can't you put them in nursery to have time to yourself?

Snidey comments eh?!

Anyway, RTTH, I don't think it takes a particular type of personality to an SAHM. As somebody else said, you don't know what being a parent is like until it's too late! But it is very Groundhog day ime (not with the first one though)

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DeckthehallsLaDiDaDi · 13/12/2006 21:42

I love my dd to bits but I know that I couldn't be a SAHM. I'm going back to work f/t injan after my mat leave and I'm looking forward to it. I know that I will find it hard and that I will miss her but i also know that if I stayed at home much longer I would be miserable and as a result dd would be miserable too. I get bored with rhymes and toys etc and long for adult conversation and the different tempo of life that my job gives me. I think that I understand exactly how you feel rtth.

SmileysPeople · 13/12/2006 21:45

Cod suggested putting them into nursery for a braek. A reasonable suggestion in itself just that it followed the snidey comment that if you're not a 'child loving type' before having children you shouldn't have them. To follow that up with suggetsing to people genuinely struggling that they should put them in nursery, seems to just suggest a slim grasp on reality or at least that the judgemntal attitude is a sham.

Actually I suspect the latter. I'm beginning to think Cod prides herself on these throw away comments, and have seen a couple of threads in the past few days where peoples genuine concerns have been trashed.

I suspect she thinks it'd jokey or just a Cod 'thing', but it's beginning to get up my nose (can you tell) at least it is tonight.

cutekids · 13/12/2006 21:47

I'm a SAHM. I'm made to feel guilty...especially by my mother!...about "not working". however, i made a decision-after 10 years in the same job-to give up work and start a family.hubbie quite happy to go along with it and we eventually had 3 kids. i'm not your "mumsy" type at all. all i can say is, i love MY kids.i PUT UP with other peoples!.I'm "there" when they need me but they're not tied to my apron-strings..well,maybe dd1 is!..sometimes i envy the "career women" who look so sophisticated but i also know that they're probably wishing they could be there to pick their kids up at 3! while i'm sometimes thinking "wish i could leave mine in "club" until gone 6...!none of us are "perfect".none of us have got the perfect solution. sometimes i'm so happy that i have no other commitments.sometimes i wish i was back working full time while someone else looked after and fed my kids! at the end of the day, we all love our kids and they're the most important things in our lives. no matter how we decide to work it, we're all striving for the same thing: health,happiness,safety for our little uns....!

Mercy · 13/12/2006 21:54

sigh

Mercy · 13/12/2006 21:56

sorry that 'sigh' was in response to Smileyspeople, NOT cutekids or anyone else.

SmileysPeople · 13/12/2006 22:03

Sorry SB and RTTH, I think my Cod annoynance has detracted from your concerns.
My point in summary:There's no template, you'll be better than you think, there's lots more to come yet, don't beat yourself up.
SP x.

FluffyMummy123 · 13/12/2006 22:05

Message withdrawn

scatterbrain · 13/12/2006 22:07

Have now opened a bottle of dh's birthday wine - the sod - so am feeling much better now - sorry to have ranted !!!

Motherhood feels so much better after some wine !

KTreePee · 13/12/2006 22:10

Back to the OP, I am not great at "playing" with young kids either - I have a very low boredom threshold!

However, I like doing things like cooking, gardening, decorating, crafts, etc which (providing I have the time) make the days more enjoyable. It also helps that I live in a biggish town where there is lots to do. If I lived out in the middle of the country I don't think I would find it so enjoyable! I also enjoy my own company and it doesn't particularly bother me if I spend most of the day on my own with the toddler.

So rather than worrying about just the business of spending more time with your children, I would also think hard about where you live and what you like to do when making a decision - being a sahm is definitely not for everyone and you shouldn't feel bad if you decide it is not for you (I have been both a sahm and full time working outside the home so have seen it from both sides...)

Blondilocks · 13/12/2006 22:13

You don't NEED nursery rhymes - normal adult music does the job just as well.

I see what you mean. I wouldn't be without my DD but I don't think I could give up work esp now she's at school. I was a student up until last summer so that was almost like being a SAHM.

I don't think you're brain would turn to mush if you were a SAHM, I think that would only happen if you wanted it to. It's quite possible to learn things & use your brain informally (i.e. outside of an educational or work environment).

SmileysPeople · 13/12/2006 22:17

Not so bad Cod.
Just didn't seem in keeping with earlier comment.
I've apologised to you on the other thread and am off to bed now.

chocolatedot · 13/12/2006 22:18

I'm absolutely hopeless at 'playing' with my children. The way I spend time with them as a SAHM is to get out and do stuff - everything from swimming, bike riding, museums, galleries etc. When we're at home, they largely entertain themselves whilst I get on with the cooking or whatever.

handlemecarefully · 13/12/2006 22:19

That's true about adult music. My two go nuts for the Foofighters! (aged 2 and 4). Especially 2yr old ds. 4yr old dd's ballet steps look somehow incongrous with it

Elasticwoman · 14/12/2006 21:30

I get bored with kids' games and am crap at many maternal skills such as making Nativity play costumes. But being a perfect mother involves so many skills, nobody has them all. I just want to be a good enough mother and I think that easily includes making time for yourself and delegating, or dispensing with some of the aspects you don't like. Personally, I can remember spending a lot of quality time reading the newspaper while the playdough was being played with. I felt it was my job to provide opportunities for play, not to play with them. Actually I think it is all wrong to spend hours playing with your child as they get the impression you are their playmate, which is not your prime function. Also, it is vital to make social contact with other adults esp parents of children similar ages to your own.

scampadoodle · 14/12/2006 22:10

I had a lovely part-time (3 days) job until this summer, when the bstard company I work for cancelled my job-share. I didn't want to work full-time so I took redundancy. DS1 (5) was starting school this September so I thought it would be constructive to be at home for a bit so that I could do the school run at both ends of the day & not have to worry about childcare in the holidays. I have another DS who is 2.5. I have to say I find it really really hard, & exhausting, & unrewarding. SO groundhog day, as someone said. I'm lucky in that I can afford a nanny/childminder one day a week, otherwise I'd go completely insane. I rarely get to do stuff for myself on that day though - it's always sorting out the household crap I don't have a chance to do during the week. (Like phonecalls to plumbers etc)
On my other days my strategy is to do something with DS2 in the morning - there are toddler groups 2 mornings a week, but I often have to resort to 'sweeping leaves in the garden' the other two - then he has a nap after lunch, then I have to go & pick up DS2. I'm crap at making friends in the mothering circle, so I've given up. I'm really irritable with my children too, mainly because they get me up so early I am constantly knackered. I also think/presume other mothers are much more natural at it than me.
I can't go back to work because good part-time positions in my field are scarce. Also, the hassle of arranging childcare around the varying needs of my sons is too daunting. At least I know I can always rely on myself.
90% of the time I think I'm a sht mother. The other 10% is when they're asleep

handlemecarefully · 14/12/2006 22:12

Oh dear Scamp. Sorry you are finding it so hard

scampadoodle · 14/12/2006 22:16

I love my children completely & absolutely but they drive me MAD!!!!!
& does ANYone get any pleasure out of preparing meals which never get eaten?
Or enjoy coping with the whining when child has not eaten aforementioned meal, is hungry & wants biscuits? (EVERY effing day....)

handlemecarefully · 14/12/2006 22:19

Meal times are murder I'll grant you that.

I have such shitty days with my two, but sometimes it is lovely. This evening dd (reception) did her nativity - she was a lovely angel. I was so proud. And equally proud with ds (2 yrs) who sat silently through the performance at age 2.8 despite it being past his bedtime.

Tomorrow I'll want to lynch them again no doubt.

Rough with the smooth....

Don't you find that?

scampadoodle · 14/12/2006 22:25

Oh, sometimes it's lovely, but just when I'm thinking 'This is lovely' DS1 will do something vile like hit DS2, or they'll start fighting.

I have to admit I cried at DS1's Christmas show last week (his first)

handlemecarefully · 14/12/2006 22:29

Mine fight too - all the frickin time. But they also adore each other. Ds was so excited when he saw dd on stage as an angel and was jumping up and down on my knee and waving at her. Do you not get the same love / hate thing?

scampadoodle · 14/12/2006 22:32

Oh yeah, def with DS1. (Maybe it's an Oedipal/Freudian thing with first born sons!) He's very beautiful (really), smart & funny, but can be an evil little sod. I love love love him but he gets me me SOOOOOO angry!!!!!

handlemecarefully · 14/12/2006 22:36

Well (at the risk of sounding like a bad agony aunt) hold on to that love love loving him bit.

I have a similar thing with my dd - she knows what buttons to push and I could throttle her sometimes (obviously not literally), but I also adore her!

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