don't think i've got the personality to be a SAHM

[RanToTheHills]

i'm impatient, I get bored with kids' games, I can't tolerate songs/rhymes/stories on long car ride for upwards of 5 mins. I can't be fascinated about other kids' feats. I realise this makes me sound horrible - I do love my own, even ds1 most of the time and he's particularly trying. On the whole though I'm not and never have been a child-loving person. I'm wondering about giving up work to spend more time with mine but dread the thought of endless play-dough, awful playdates and my brain turning to water. not meaning to sound on the attack here, just voicing my real fears, petty though they may be.

i know, but if I'm honest I look around and I do see some mums who are naturals, just as in the workplace you see the career-minded and the jobbers.

Really RanTo? Aren't you just assuming that they are naturals? Most of my SAHM friends would say that they weren't naturals and have to work at the whole parenting thing...I think that's true of many parents

that was to SP btw.
I'm going to try to do more my own thing when i am off with ds2 = art galleries, shopping etc. I find now though the combination of living in a v small town and school hrs (for ds1) means that I often seem to be limted to pre-school activities.
MUST TRY HARDER! As my school reports always said

I blame the fathers.

In fact, I almost do. My dh is much more of a SAH-P type than me, if he were physically well enough to do the job, we'd be laughing.

But he's not. And I feel the sense of guilt every day and every hour that I go out to work. But equally I know that being a SAHM is not for me (whilst entirely respecting and supporting it for other people). We can't all follow one pattern - my dh is almost unique among the people I know in being a full-time dad. Such is life, we can only do what we can do.

I blame the fathers.

In fact, I almost do. My dh is much more of a SAH-P type than me, if he were physically well enough to do the job, we'd be laughing.

But he's not. And I feel the sense of guilt every day and every hour that I go out to work. But equally I know that being a SAHM is not for me (whilst entirely respecting and supporting it for other people). We can't all follow one pattern - my dh is almost unique among the people I know in being a full-time dad. Such is life, we can only do what we can do.

i see a mum i know quietly calling her ds "sweet thing" and "darling" when I'm more likely to call ds1 a "horrible child"
Of course I don't know what she's like in private but I do know that her children seem to be a credit to her -well-mannered, even-tempered, affectionate not virtues I've managed to instil in myself leave alone my children!

Well, we all have our strengths and weaknesses. If you excel at what comes naturally, and make an effort with what doesn't, you can't say fairer than that. My point though is that you can make the SAHM part less dull - if you find the toddler-level games and conversation dull - by taking your kids to do things that you really enjoy. IME the enthusiasm rubs off on them and you can have a good time. If I was stuck at home all day finger painting I would definitely go out of my mind; maybe that means I'm not a natural but I think DS still has a good time doing stuff out and about with me. (And he gets to do finger-painting at nursery!)

yes, guilt is this thing isn't it? Eating away all the timel.

Bloody hell - she's not much good for the old self esteem!

(I meant the mum who calls her child 'sweet thing')

There are some who just seem to thrive on focusing soley on the children, but if you look carefully ther're few an, and far between.
AS I said I did love children, chose to work with them and so thougt I'd be like that. I am a bit but have been suprised that it's not the only thing I want to do.
Start a thread on here asking whose mother was not a natural? Mine wasn't and they'll be thousands like me, but now we're V close and I see and appreciate the other aspects of her.
As I said mothers are not a unique subset of women, we're all just muddling through in our own way.

you're right, esp with the muddling!
HMC - so do you think it's not normal to address one's child as "sweet thing" in public?! have had the odd nauseous thought but generally think it's quite, well, sweet I suppose! And better than calling them "horrible"!

I call mine both. I am a bit abundant with the cutie endearments (not intentionally they just seem to flow) but obviously I only save the 'horrible ' type comments for whan we're at home (again not intentionally, I guess social convention just suppresses it)and they're the biggest buggers at bedtiem!
So how many like me RTTH? Cutie endearments causing other mums to feel inferior but really saving tirades for home?
Quite a few I suspect.

Sweet thing" reminds me of a Nine Simone song in which it's the name of a lady of the night! I don't mean to be insensitive about prostitues, especially at the moment, but it would strike me as an odd thing to call your child.

maybe she's being ironic or making up for her evil comments of the night before. I wish! No, she makes me feel inadequate, damn it! But tha'ts my problem, isn't it?

Oh no - those are just names - I call my dd lambkin a lot of the time !! have to admit that I am beginning to find it a bit better now she is 6 - talks slightly more sense and is more interested in the world ! My aunt is emphatically not a "baby person" but is absolutely fab with kids over 5 - so I am wondering whether that's me too !

In answer to cod's presumably tongue in cheek question - if I'd have known how I'd feel I would deffo not have had children !! Unfortunately once their here they are here and it's too late ! I always loved my god-daughters and thought I'd be a natural mummy - but it was different in reality ! I haven;t had another for that very reason !

Well I don't know whether it is 'normal' - bit loaded to say that it isn't. I guess I will say that it is not common place to be quite so gushing with terms of endearment. Nothing wrong with it though (except for making the rest of us mortals feel bad, but then I guess that is our problem)

Wow scatterbrain that is a very honest admission. I know lots of people who aren't good with young kids, but brilliant once coherent converastion starts and intersts can be shared. There is no template for this.

really, SB? You'd not have had yr dd? I honestly don't know - I'd have had ds2 several times over as he's always been such a sweetheart (there I go!). Ds1 is another matter though - I've always clashed with him and find him v trying. So in some ways I may not have had him with the wisdom of hindsight. But we can't choose our children, can we? I only hope that ds1 & I will have a chance in future for a better relationship, maybe at a different lifestage

Mine are still young ( 6and 3) and already I find difernt ones trying at differnt times.
DS1 is the cutest BunnyBear (I told you I was bad) you've ever seen, but my God the tantrums he's throwing at the moment, i didn't want to pick him up from playschool today!
DS1 a bit of a moaner and worrier which can be wearing, but we have such a good time doing little trips and activies just the 2 of us now he's older.
All relationships are complex the ones with your children no less so.

No I really wouldn't have had her !

But she's here and I love her more than I thought possible - but she is a very difficult child, was very hard work as a baby, and drives me pretty much insane most days. Being a mother is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done -and a lot of the time I don't enjoy it at all.

I also hated the inane chat at toddler groups etc - I avoid the school gates as much as I can - most of the other mums I have little in common with apart from being a mum ! And they are all much better at it and enjoy it much more than me !

We'll muddle through I guess - but it's not a very enjoyable journey.

it sounds like it's a struggle sometimes, sb. Do you work f/t? Does yr dh/family help out with her enough?

Thanks for asking - I work very full time in a very stressful job, I also do every school run myself - and then have an hours commute to work. So I have to work every evening to catch up. My dh does virtually nothing at home - if it's his turn to cook he gets a takeaway which is why I am overweight.

Tonight he said to me as he went out to play squash - we haven't got any loo rolls left ! "oh" I said - thinking why is he telling me ??

Sorry - could moan for england - bit fed up today - dd had huge tantrum after school and I tried to get my wedding outfit in town( needed for 23rd) and failed - so I am pissed off really - and there's no food or wine in the house !!!

sorry to hear that and apologise now for my angsting! Can't you give dh a list and get him to do the shopping, even if he does it online? Sounds like he should pull his weight more and help you out.

Oh he is FAR TOO BUSY to go shopping !!

It's all my job !!!

I am so fed up !!!