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Parenting

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Original poster

don't think i've got the personality to be a SAHM

78 replies

RanToTheHills · 13/12/2006 19:48

i'm impatient, I get bored with kids' games, I can't tolerate songs/rhymes/stories on long car ride for upwards of 5 mins. I can't be fascinated about other kids' feats. I realise this makes me sound horrible - I do love my own, even ds1 most of the time and he's particularly trying. On the whole though I'm not and never have been a child-loving person. I'm wondering about giving up work to spend more time with mine but dread the thought of endless play-dough, awful playdates and my brain turning to water. not meaning to sound on the attack here, just voicing my real fears, petty though they may be.

OP posts:

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beansprout · 13/12/2006 19:51

Not at all, I think it's a serious consideration. I give myself a hard time about this. I work part-time and I love my job. I would go mad if I was at home all the time. I really respect people who are SAHMs, and wish I did want to do it, but I don't/can't and just have to accept that about myself. That said, I think I have a good balance and ds is a happy chap (well, for a 2 year old!) so it seems to be working....

SmileysPeople · 13/12/2006 19:57

I sometimes think I'd like to be a SAHM, just so life wasn't so hectic, but in reality i know I wouldn't want to do it full time.
Just like you RTTH I tire quickly of playing and rymes, chitchat with other mothers (unless online) and found when I was at home on maternity leave that I became obsessed with the house and as stressed about this as I was about work.
I'm now part time and it's the best (not ideal) solution for me.
I thought I'd be an earth mother ( I used to be an infant teacher, not anymore)but it's differnet when it's work, a differnt mentality.

FluffyMummy123 · 13/12/2006 19:58

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scatterbrain · 13/12/2006 19:59

I haven't either - I did it full time for 18 months, then part time for another 3.5 yrs - pretty much hated it - was diagnosed when she was 4 with PND but now I just think it didn't suit my personality - I went back to work full time when dd started reception and the depression vanished almost over night - now I am totally frantic and stressed - and would love to reduce my hours a bit - but not to spend more time with dd - just to cut myself some slack !

I do feel guilty - maybe I shouldn't have had her - but this wasn't how I imagined it !

Takes all sorts I guess and my strengths must lie elsewhere !

hertsnessex · 13/12/2006 19:59

ive just left my city job to be more of a SAHM. I am however worknig around the boys going to preschool 3 mornings a week. i will also do evening appts and be on call so could be called away anytime. this 'outside interest' is a job, but also something i love which seems to give me a prefect balance. could you try something like that???

(p.s. im a doula!)

belgo · 13/12/2006 20:00

Rantothehills - you have to know yourself to be able to make that decision. I don't think your children would be happy if you stayed at home out of obligation, and were unhappy and frustrated about it.

Original poster

RanToTheHills · 13/12/2006 20:01

yes, I@m like you in that SP though already p/t so if gave up would maybe be rather pathetic though a DAMN sight less stressful. Having been both sides of the fence, find being p/t WOHM very hard to juggle though rewarding when it works.
Cod - too true, nearly didn't bother but got caught out a while ago and 2 kids later here I am.

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Chandra · 13/12/2006 20:02

PMSL Cod!

I have found that working part time is a good compromise, when I was a full time SAHM, I found that not either DS or me where having as much fun. Now, the time we have is very special, and planned more carefully. But... obviously this only depends on you and work-family relationship you would like to have. I have friends who love being SAHMs and other that would be driven crazy at the prospect.

FluffyMummy123 · 13/12/2006 20:02

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Original poster

RanToTheHills · 13/12/2006 20:03

scatterbrain, you sound like me! I also want more childcare time to cut myself some slack , feel terrbile admitting it in RL, like agreeing with hanging or something!

OP posts:

FluffyMummy123 · 13/12/2006 20:04

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handlemecarefully · 13/12/2006 20:05

Good grief - and what sort of personality does one need to be a SAHM . In all seriousness I don't think there is one right 'type'

In common with you, I get bored with kids games and don't have a particular penchant for nursery rhymes. But it isn't endless days of play dough and toddler groups - for me at least.

There are play dates around other mum's houses where the official reason is for the children to play but the hidden agenda is for two friends (the mums) to chat, have a laugh and drink coffee. When thrown together like this the children are remarkably self sufficient and rarely bother you

There are lazy mornings with no mad rush to get off to work on time (spanner thrown slightly in the works when you eldest goes off to school)

I also meet up with a friend and her children to walk the dogs in the woods a couple of times a week. It's great - another chance for a gossip whilst you and your children get a blast of fresh air (beats a stuffy office)

My children are expected to tag long with me whilst I go about my daily business - and because they are used to this are happy to comply...

It's not all long interminable days shackled to the house getting out the paints and play dough.

Don't forget once they get to 2yrs 9 months there's Pre School too.

I doubt my (masters degree educated brain) has turned to water.....It seems to be still functioning. IMO it is a bit of a fallacy to assume that paid employment adequately works out the old grey matter

Original poster

RanToTheHills · 13/12/2006 20:06

well mates is also the thing as we've recently moved so feeling bereft of my old social circle. Chasing around like a blue-arsed fly helps me not notice this a lot of the time and that's p/t working,cdn't conceive of f/t working. adult adoption, now that's an idea but don't honestly think I'd get any takers! I'm probably much less attractive than my often rather unappealing children! got cute cats though.

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SmileysPeople · 13/12/2006 20:07

Cod there are lots of loving devoted mothers who don't like singing nursry rymes.
Kids don't stay kids, maybe some mothers come into their own with teenagers or when they're adults, when the jolly baking singing tyope mummies find the can't relate to them at all.

Why do you post these nasty snide asides, to people genuinely wanting some advice?

handlemecarefully · 13/12/2006 20:08

Quickly analyses own post in case I too get told off by SmileysPeople....

buktus · 13/12/2006 20:09

that was my first thought also cod

Original poster

RanToTheHills · 13/12/2006 20:09

hmc - oh you know what I mean! Don't mean there should be one type, just mean that innately I feel i'm not "it" IFYKWIM?
i've never given myself the chance to do SAHMDOM f/t for anything longer than the duration of mat leave so maybe I should test the water. my oldest is already at school though so i do have some perspective on the pre-school yrs at least.

OP posts:

TwoIfBySanta · 13/12/2006 20:10

That is why it should be considered every mother's choice, to be a SAHM, to work p/t, to work f/t.

Different strokes for different folks after all.

It is the reason I am not overly fussed or opinionated by f/t working mothers and expect them not to chide me for being a SAHM. Sadly the latter doesn't always happen though.

SmileysPeople · 13/12/2006 20:10

Posted before I's seen any of yours HMC. But I'm off to check them no, and be warned I'm in no mood for nonsense tonight.

handlemecarefully · 13/12/2006 20:11

Yes I did know what you mean (guilty admission) I was just being a pendant .

Tbh I had a lot of your fears before I quit work 12 months ago.

handlemecarefully · 13/12/2006 20:11

I'm off.........eeeek!

Original poster

RanToTheHills · 13/12/2006 20:12

maybe I will still come into my own as a mum, time will tell. I'm not holding my breath though have been truly appalling with ds1 recently, totally lack any compassion or patience and even ended up rather agressively dragging him out of bed last night for a last minute wee after much game-playing from him
I need to be a better mum, esp to ds1, whether that's by being a SAHM i'm not sure.

OP posts:

handlemecarefully · 13/12/2006 20:13

We all have days like that RanTo - I can be foul to my children sometimes (usually when very tired). But it's not often and I apologise afterwards - still feel very shitty when it happens.

SmileysPeople · 13/12/2006 20:14

Mothers are women.
most women are mothers.
Therefore it takes all types.
Mothers are not a unique subset of women who have the right qualities and if you don't you shouldn't do it.
There are thousands of mothers who feel it doesn't come naturally to them, maybe Cod could try letting more of them know they shouldn't have botherd, in her constructive sensitive manner.

snowleopard · 13/12/2006 20:14

Runtothehills, nor am I, I couldn't be a full-time SAHM, mainly because I thrive on the deep concentration and feeling of achievvement that my work brings (not that bringing up a child isn't an achievement, but it's a kind of creative thing that I do and I'd go mad without it). But I work Monday, Wednesday and Friday now and it really works for me - I look forward to my days with DS and I look forward to the work days. I never stay in all day with him - we always go out, to museums, galleries, playgrounds, the beach, swimming, baby classes and shopping (making sure I build in a picnic or trip to a toyshop or soft play where he can have a run around). I do find hanging out with other toddlers and mums is OK in small doses but I also like to do more grown-up stuff with just him, things that I will enjoy like shops and museums, and he really seems to enjoy it. I don't think being off work with children has to mean endless playgroups, baby games and "wheels on the bus"!

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