relationship with 7 year old DD already so complicated

[nojumperup]

Hello everybody. I am having a rubbish day and wondering if anyone has any similar experience to me.

I have a 7yo DD and needless to say I love her more than anything in the world. But it seems as though our relationship is already so complicated. The issues mainly stem around childcare I guess, although could be extended to her need for me generally, which if I am completely honest I sometimes find claustrophobic. I have always worked full time. I work because I want to and need to, financially. Having said that, I am lucky enough to work in a very flexible job, so although I work everyday, I am often able to drop my DD at school, and I pick her up at least once a week. I spent quite a lot of time at home over the summer too, for example.

Anyway, the point is that I feel (she makes me feel??) terribly guilty about leaving her. Until recently she was in wraparound care (with her brother) but I felt that was leading to a very long day for all of us, so we have now got a lovely au pair. But when I left for work this morning, she (my DD)was crying and terribly upset, leaving me also upset and our poor au pair not knowing what to do. This has been the same for years as childcare has always been an issue - no matter what solution I try, it's basically not OK as she makes clear that she wants to be with me.

The thing is, I feel guilty about this, but also if I'm honest a bit resentful and angry. I want to tell her that I am doing my best, and it's not fair for her to make me feel like this ... but I know she's only 7!! I feel as though our relationship is getting quite complex, and I want to nip it in the bud. But the trouble is, for her the only solution would be mummy not going to work and that's just not an option. Even having cut back the amount I have has had a profound impact on my career prospects. That's fine with me, but it would be difficult to do even less and stay in this job. Anyone else been here? Sorry this is long!

ilove, what advice do you have for nojumperup, that will help her in her current situation?

Just read this thread and quite shocked at the posts aimed at ilove...I agree with ilove, there has to be a point when dc do come first, and it is not all about us and what WE want, sometimes it is about the kids, they have to come first as they can't look after themselves, when very young not even the basics. It is our job as parents to look after them properly.

Keep up culture, you need to read the earlier posts. love bombing, reducing hours, spending more time with dc.

lilycabbagerocks... thanks for that. I was specifically asking ilove what advice SHE can offer, given her experience and opinions.

Actually culture, it just sounds like bullying to me, you can see what she thinks from earlier posts. Have you anything to add of substance?

It gets better... bullying, huh? I was asking a question. I've given my thoughts earlier on the thread, quite clearly, supporting the suggestions that some other posters have given. What is your contribution?

OP stated very clearly right at the beginning of this thread that her children are her priority ie they come first.

If OP was only concerned about herself and doing what she wants, she wouldn't have posted trying to find her way through her current challenges, would she?

yes bullying culture, there is a whole ton of it on here! And it is not on!

I have been both a wm and sahp and there is no magic formula. sorry. currently i am working full time. If you wanna work, work, and stop whinging about being guilty all the time. Stay at home, your choice. either way it is demeaning to pile in to a parent on here just because she is raising different points of view. I dont think ilove has an issue with wm at all and some of the posts on here are quite offensive towards her. ie stomach churning? what is that all about? idiots.

christina op doesnt have challenges, she just feels guilty. there aint anyone out there that can stop that.

lilycabbagerocks, nothing you have mentioned has been anything that I have posted towards ilove. Your "advice" to the OP seems to be to stop whinging, which is not exactly helpful!

culture it may not be helpful but that is how i see the world. i think you know as well as I do what is happening on here with ilove, lets not pretend.
op came on hoping for some friendly back stroking. jeez i could do with some from time 2 time, and god forbid someone came on and suggested spend more time with your kids and it is like a huge reaction.

I disagree lily, about OP not having challenges.

Also, I'd say her challenges are about a lot more than 'feeling guilty'. She seems to have been open to consider and reflect on lots of different viewpoints, actually.

no one said op was not open to view points. of course she is, she posted an invitation for said viewpoints. it is the squawking that followed, not from op, that depresses me. if you feel guilty get over it, if you feet that guilty stay at home. i dont get all of this anger.

Explicit suggestions that OP's children weren't her priority sparked a lot of the angry responses.

One one hand you say that 'op came in here for some friendly back stroking' and then you say that Op is open to viewpoints. Very confusing.

Also, let's reiterate that OP is taking about childcare a few hours after school a few days a week, and not particularly school holidays.

Op can't cut back her hours more than she has and still be able to stay in her job.

You know, I was going to post a long and detailed response to ilove and lilycabbagerocks but I don't think it would be helpful.

Suffice it to say, I completely disagree with the comments that ilove made about children being damaged by working mothers (not fathers of course). You seem to have made the leap that because you feel you were damaged by your mother working, that everyone else's children will be too. You also seem to be of the opinion that the only acceptable choice is for mothers (not fathers) to stay at home with their children whilst they are young, and anything else is lazy, selfish and damaging to those children. This paragraph is just so horrible and cruel:

There are some people on here that should never have had children in the first place, if they didn't want to be parents and simply wanted to 'outsource' the hard work and painstaking care, not for financial reasons but simply because they are too lazy and selfish, why the hell did you bother? Just a damaging, lifeless, loveless experience for your children.

You should at least have the courage of your convictions to name the posters who you feel this to be true of.

Haven't rtft. Can't be bothered with the SAHM debate. Just wanted to sympathise op, with a child who doesn't eat much. My ds1 is like this, much more pronounced when he is stressed or unhappy. It's genuinely not an attention thing with him, he just loses his appetite when he is stressed. Your dd sounds like a sensitive child, so I'm sure a new au pair etc has rocked the boat and it will all settle down. However, do best in mind if she's sensitive and try to be a bit note sympathetic. This does not need to convert into guilt but you can be genuinely aware that is hard for her without leaving your job or being frustrated with her and making it into her problem as a way to assuage guilt. Possibly some acknowledgment from you about how hard it is and a lot of listening to how she is feeling will help. I second the suggestion of the how to talk so kids will listen book, some great techniques for active listening. If she feels heard she may not turn it on as much. My dd (nearly 7) is incredibly clingy at the moment. I don't even work but she doesn't want Dh to put her to bed and she hates it when I give attention to her brothers. We recently moved and she stated a be school. She does have to share me though so I don't pander to it by letting her infringe on their attention, and her dad does put her to bed every other day. In between she can strop away, but i know I have nothing to feel guilty about whilst being sympathetic to the fact she is feeling a bit insecure in a new school and new area.

Arghh typos. On phone sorry. Hope you got gist, NEW school etc.

honestly christina i am not sure what this is all about.

i dont think anyone on this thread, unless i am mistaken, has suggested that op's priorities are anything other than her dc. i think it was more the cheek of ilove and others saying she should somehow be spendin more time with her kids, and/or cut down hours. where is the harm? maybe ilove hit on a nerve or two. But not entirely sure it was intentional. no need for such angry responses really? its all abit emotional and reactionary for me.

op feels guilty, she wants to feel better. any viewpoints which support her with this are entirely welcome, anything that deviates from that mission is not welcome, and robustly dealt with by the likes of you. i can read your comments throughout this as well. not my view of democracy at its best christina. not an impressive thread for the sisterhood put it that way.

lilycabbagerocks, what do you think this paragraph was meant to achieve:

There are some people on here that should never have had children in the first place, if they didn't want to be parents and simply wanted to 'outsource' the hard work and painstaking care, not for financial reasons but simply because they are too lazy and selfish, why the hell did you bother? Just a damaging, lifeless, loveless experience for your children.

could wave a magic wand and provide every mother with the means and ability to be at home and enjoy their children, and work and have a fulfilling career I would!

Regardless of whether it's what everyone else wants? What about dads? Would the wand include men who would like to be the sahp?

lets hope the wand includes men spartan, but that has been obv from the start.

I am not bullying anyone. You have said it three times now, and each time it is completely without foundation.

What are the 'momentous changes' that ilove is talking about so women can work and have children? Cloning?