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Parenting

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Original poster

Does this make me sound like a knob?

97 replies

ElleDubloo · 10/03/2015 19:06

My first language is English, same as OH. MIL's first language is something else (let's call this X) but she also speaks English. OH's whole family speaks both X and English.

OK, so every time MIL sees DD she chats away in language X. This makes me upset. I'm not afraid of DD learning X at the age of 4 months, but when I go back to work when she's 9 months, MIL will be her full-time carer. I don't want DD learning language X. Frankly, it makes me feel jealous and isolated that DD will be speaking and understanding something that I don't speak and understand.

Not a big deal? Well, add to this the fact that we will all be moving into the in-laws' house when I go back to work, for childcare purposes. It'll be a big happy family-in-law all chatting away in language X, all of the time. This usually happens when we visit, and I cope with it, but it breaks my heart that DD might be chatting with them and I wouldn't be able to understand even my own daughter.

I want to ask MIL to speak to DD only in English, as this would be fairer on everyone as everyone speaks English. And also because I'm her mother for F's sake AIBU?

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NerrSnerr · 10/03/2015 19:11

From another perspective, being fluent in a second language could be a huge advantage as an adult.

Allstoppedup · 10/03/2015 19:14

Not a knob as such as I can understand totally.

That said, language X is part of your DDs heritage and presumably your PILs are doing you a huge favour with regards to the childcare issue.

I do think it's rude of them all to speak in the language when it's just you that doesn't understand it but catagorically asking them not to teach her/ speak it in their own home is a bit brass necked.

Long shot but could you ask for help learning some basics of it yourself? Other than that maybe gently suggest you all speak the language you have in common when having family time together?

Don't worry, your DD will love you no matter how many languages she speaks. its normal to feel very protective of your bond at such an early age too, especially when thinking about going back to work.

Griffomais · 10/03/2015 19:16

No you are definitely not being unreasonable - you are her mother you make the decisions.

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SauvignonBlanche · 10/03/2015 19:17

Do you live in the country where X is spoken?

Mrsmorton · 10/03/2015 19:18

Perhaps you could learn some as well? It's such a gift to be able to speak two languages. Having said that, you make the decisions and MIL is BU just to crack on and do it anyway.

fletchybear · 10/03/2015 19:20

I do think your MIL is being really insensitive. I would also feel alienated. Turn the tables on her and ask her to teach you both at the same time, learn together. Your MIL can't object without looking rude and your little one gets the benefit of a new language.
You're in this for the long haul so you may as well make oranges

Alanna1 · 10/03/2015 19:20

Why can't you learn language X? I think your children will learn it regardless (they are language sponges), and I think you are being a bit unreasonable to exclude them from that heritage, and especially if you are getting childcare help. Just learn some, so it isnt a "secret" language.

gotellitonthemountain · 10/03/2015 19:21

I have the same situation, but mil only speaks her native language when it is her and my daughter alone. All the family make an effort to speak English when I am there.

I felt the same as you but, now my dd is 3.5 and speaking both languages, I love it.

Totally understand how you feel, though.

Liondemer · 10/03/2015 19:21

I do see where you're coming from. My first language isn't the same as my Inlaws and I do speak their language fluently but I'd feel isolated if I didn't. Actually, my mil could probably relate as she doesn't speak English and I know she doesn't like it when she can't understand what im saying to dd. So I think your feeling is definitely natural.

However, speaking a second language definitley has its advantages. So perhaps you could suggest mil talk to dd in her language but when you're there, switch to english?

Mrsjayy · 10/03/2015 19:24

Say to your mil that it is lovely she is speaking her language to her grqndbaby. And of course you want her to be bilingual but could she speak English too you are being a teeny bit precious about this

husbanddoestheironing · 10/03/2015 19:24

Looking a long way ahead, but it is really important that if education is going to be in English later then English needs to be spoken at home a lot as well (half the time seems to work for bilingual families?) I know adult students who never spoke English at home and it has been detrimental to their education to the point that they are still affected by it now. Speaking English only at school isn't enough. You could use that as a reason to negotiate with PIL maybe?

Original poster

ElleDubloo · 10/03/2015 19:25

Thanks for your responses so far.

Re: usefulness of language X. It's not that useful. It's way outside the top 20 most frequently spoken languages of the world.

Re: heritage. True. But not being able to speak the language doesn't mean she'll lose the her heritage; there's lots of culture we can teach her about.

Re: learning language X myself. I've thought about it, but it's difficult and they speak fast and I don't have time.

We live in the UK. Not many people speak it here.

OP posts:

Allstoppedup · 10/03/2015 19:34

I understand your hesitance if it's not totally useful and of course she can explore her culture without knowing the language but surely you feel left out around your in laws when they use the language and can see it would be nice for your daughter to be included in this aspect of her family life. She might want to travel/ explore the country it is spoken when she's older and it would be useful in this instance? ( I know that's a bit clutching at straws!)

If you asked your MIL/DP could they teach you just a tiny bit, slowly and basically. A few basic words a week might help a little, particularly if your daughter ends up picking up bits.

I just think it's a very difficult situation and to outright ban your in laws from teaching your daughter another language just seems a bit of a shame.

Speak to you partner about how it makes you feel and he may be able to come to an arrangement with your MIL that you are happier with.

TheLeftovermonster · 10/03/2015 19:38

I understand how you feel, and a very involved MIL can be annoying for all sorts of reasons. Especially if you live with her. Hoerver, it is better for your DD to learn another language then not to learn it - without a doubt.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 10/03/2015 21:13

If she will be full time carer and you'll be living there, isn't your request basically for her to totally ditch her mother tongue . except when the baby is in bed? That seems rather unrealistic?

ch1134 · 10/03/2015 21:27

Bilingualism, what an amazing gift to give your children!
If you don't want your children speaking the language of their grandparents, don't move in with them!

IvanOsokin · 10/03/2015 21:39

We were in a similar situation as you when our children were small and I was desperate for DMIL to speak her language to them. She was reluctant, though. Obviously not her fault - she didn't want to and that was fair enough, but it's sad that they could have grown up with a fluency they don't have now.

2lol2lol · 10/03/2015 21:40

Why don't you want to try to learn some X, too? Presumably you like X culture in many other ways. Sorry, but since you mention it, I tend to vote Knob.

trilbydoll · 10/03/2015 21:44

Being bilingual is such a huge advantage, doesn't it make it easier to learn subsequent languages as well, opens up neural pathways or something?

I can understand your pov but I think you learning X is the way to go, not stopping your DD.

Quangle · 10/03/2015 21:46

I don't think it matters whether it's useful or not. It's a language that half her family speak. I would go ahead and learn a bit of it then you can feel part of it.

I understand your feelings btw - it must be odd for you at this stage. But you can probably get more comfortable with it when you can understand it a bit.

Pipbin · 10/03/2015 21:51

So you are happy to use grandmother for free child care and to live in her house but not for her to include her grandchild in her cultural heritage?

Why not learn too? Is this more about moving into her house and not having your own space any more?

Pippidoeswhatshewants · 10/03/2015 21:52

I do get where you are coming from, but many people find it odd to talk to a baby in anything other than their mother tongue.
I think it's fine, and will be an asset for your dc in the future.

It's not ok to isolate you, though. It is quite hard to maintain speaking English when everybody else speaks X more easily. To be blunt: learn to speak X! In the meantime, ask your family to switch to English when you are present.

MaudeLebowski · 10/03/2015 21:56

I'm the only one in my office that doesn't have a second (or third, or fourth) language and I suffer because of it. (Work for international governments, but not in a government iyswim).

I think having language X would be a huge asset for your DD.

fishfingerSarnies · 10/03/2015 21:59

I think you that it's very sad that you aren't embracing the chance for your child to speak another language.
My dhs family speak another language as there fist language and I really try to aid my daughter in learning it even though I've been too lazy busy to learn myself.

Are you sure that it's not other things upsetting you but you're focusing on the language thing because of your own insecurity? What does your dh think about it?

Original poster

ElleDubloo · 10/03/2015 22:01

I forgot to mention, we're not "using her for free childcare". We're paying her £1000 a month. Don't suppose that changes anything though?

I guess there's no point in saying anything because she'll probably just teach DD the language behind my back.

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