Does this make me sound like a knob?

[ElleDubloo]

My first language is English, same as OH. MIL's first language is something else (let's call this X) but she also speaks English. OH's whole family speaks both X and English.

OK, so every time MIL sees DD she chats away in language X. This makes me upset. I'm not afraid of DD learning X at the age of 4 months, but when I go back to work when she's 9 months, MIL will be her full-time carer. I don't want DD learning language X. Frankly, it makes me feel jealous and isolated that DD will be speaking and understanding something that I don't speak and understand.

Not a big deal? Well, add to this the fact that we will all be moving into the in-laws' house when I go back to work, for childcare purposes. It'll be a big happy family-in-law all chatting away in language X, all of the time. This usually happens when we visit, and I cope with it, but it breaks my heart that DD might be chatting with them and I wouldn't be able to understand even my own daughter.

I want to ask MIL to speak to DD only in English, as this would be fairer on everyone as everyone speaks English. And also because I'm her mother for F's sake AIBU?

Poor you op. This sounds like a lot more than the language issue.

But concerning that problem, maybe you need to talk to your mil yourself. Tell her you feel isolated and you would prefer English to be spoken when you're there.

To all those who keep telling the op to learn the language, I wonder how many of you have learnt a language? It takes a long time and the op has already said she's going to be working all hours, I think she probably has better things to do than learning a new language.

I agree. It's not just 2 years. You could end up inside for a very long time for strangling your inlaws (well that's what I'd worry about if it were me)

Penguins, it's not as if those 2 years will be a complete write-off. There will be good times too. The PILs are still nice people and we do get on (at the moment). The language thing and the loss of control will be an issue, but if we stay on our own, our difficulties with finances and childcare could arguably be an even bigger strain on our family.

We're going to stick with the plan and I'm going to learn language X and try not to be a paranoid insecure FTM. Who knows what will happen? I'm sure I'll keep you all updated as we go on.

Well done, Elle this way your in-laws will not get away with talking about you behind your back, so this will be a big upside. Also, you will be able to understand what they say to your child(ren), so no interfering with your parenting!
I have second hand experience from a friend who did not speak her in-laws language, but her children did. It was a catastrophe. Her mother in law was constantly criticising her to her children, until her girls were old enough to tell their mum. It will be extremely useful for you to learn this language, whatever it is. Good luck.

It is obviously your call. But fearing your MIL is undermining and lying to you and feeling excluded are massive warning signs. And the arrangement hasn't started yet. I am sure you are aware of that and are going into it with a back up plan

Also, do think what will happen if the arrangement needs to end before two years is up. I've seen that happen with lots of grandparent childcare over the years (often health, sometimes just the unfortunate combination of the grandparent getting older and the child getting more active and demanding). If you had to change everything after, say, 12 months, you need to be sure it would still be worth it.

I think your making the right choice to start learning language x, learning a new language is daunting but entirely possible.

I moved to country Y 3 years ago, I now speak the local language almost perfectly, I have a toddler who I speak English with, he goes to nursery in language Y, his dad speaks language Y with him as do dp's large family and many friends. My ds still is at least as strong in English as he is in language Y, I really think the language their mum speaks to them influences them hugely.

There are so many great things about being bilingual, even if the language is quite obscure just the fact that your child is bilingual helps her process information in a different way to monolingual people, it also keeps the language parts of the brain open for longer.

Best of luck with your next step, my advice when learning a new language is to not be afraid of making mistakes and throw yourself into practicing it at any opportunity.

Elle - brilliant that you've decided to bite the bullet and start learning the language, and you know, that will give you leverage with what your MIL teaches your DD as well. I'd make it extremely clear to her that you are learning the language, and coming on quite quickly thank you, so you know that she is teaching your D to call her the wrong name. Learn also the correct name for grandmother in language X, so you can correct your DD as and when necessary.

I understand why you're doing this, but it's still going to be hard for you all - I hope your DH just keeps the ILs in check and supports you throughout. He needs to be the one to really put his foot down re. the mis-naming of MIL to your DD, because obviously he didn't shag her and have her give birth to his DD, does she not realise how disgusting that concept is?? (We all know it's not about that, but it's still a good handle to use to get it over to her that she must NOT call herself any version of "mum" to your DD)

I think you've come up with a great plan OP.

Great plan OP, and the very, very best of luck with it all.

Good plan Elle. I would not let MIL know you are learning though, I would rather catch her when her guard is down. Maybe I am just jaded though.

I lived with PIL for the first two years of DDs life as DH was studying abroad. They are amazing people and we generally get on very well. I speak their language. Even so those two years broke me and I am a different, tougher person after it. PM me if you ever need to offload. My DH was good to a point but it was his mum I was bitching about in the end so there was definitely a limit to his tolerance!

What is the language? There will be someone here who will be able to confirm for you what the 'right' words are for Mother and Grandmother. And then if your daughter refers to your MIL as Mama, you and your DH can correct her, every single time, and say, no, it's Yaya - or whatever.

I think learning the other language will be really good for your DD, but from what you say - she will be hearing language X far more than she will English, which would be my main concern rather than not being able to understand her myself.
Living here, I think it is best English is her first language for when she goes to Nursery or school.
Why not tell your MIL your concerns and ask that she try to speak English as well as X with your daughter? Surely she will be concerned her grandchild has a good command of English?

I live in the UK and English is the only language I speak.

My PIL and rest of immediate family live in the UK and speak 2 Chinese languages, but my PIL only speak a little English. There are also 2 SIL and a BIL. The BIL is a fluent English speaker and the SIL both have reasonable English.

So far I've picked up a few words and phrases (roast pork - char siu, toilet - cheese saw, cute - ho duck yee). I don't feel I have the time or brain space to seriously learn their language right now.

I have a 6 month old baby and my MIL looks after her on saturdays while I and my husband work. I know my DD is going to be exposed to a lot of chinese language that I can't follow and it makes me feel a little bit jealous of my baby; that it's going to be easier for her to speak two or even three languages! I would like to be able to do that myself!

If you ask your inlaws to only speak English when you are around then that's one thing, they might try for your sake, but it will be difficult for them I imagine as their mother tongue will be so natural to them.

But if you ask them not to speak their language to your DD I think that is BU. If you sometimes feel isolated at the moment, do you want your daughter to feel isolated when she learns to speak only English because she can't join in with their conversations either?

Your DD is a separate being to yourself. She is at the beginning of her relationship with her grandparents and that side of the family which you shouldn't hamper. I would not begrudge my baby learning a skill which may help them in later life and having a natural and mentally nourishing relationship with one side of the family because it made me feel left out.

Its a gift to be able to learn a language. I want that gift for my DD.

Great that you are to start learning the language OP!

If your DH is onside, then please get him to sit down with his mother and give her a very straight warning that how the next two years goes FOR YOU will determine, largely, whether you end up choosing to remain close... or whether you end up wanting, when you buy your house, to move as far away from them as possible...

Tell him to tell her that you know that 'x' means mother - and that if either of you ever hear her referring to herself as that to your DD then she will put her relationship with all of you at risk. And for nothing, because your DD will never be in any doubt who is mother and who is granny.

Also, get him to speak to his family and tell them that if the situation of them excluding you continues, then house or no house you will not be under their roof long. It might help to drop into the conversation that of course, one solution might be to move to where house prices are cheaper...

Finally, tell your DH that you will feel much happier (and arguably, it sounds as if it will be better for your DD) if you pay for some nursery time so that she is not alone with granny all day every day.

Oh and yes to learning the word for grandmother, and beamingly telling MIL that you've done so deliberately so that you can always be sure to refer to her using her proper title so DD will pick it up straightaway :)

I'm not being funny but it's actually quite rude to talk in a different language when there is someone that doesn't speak it in the room!

It's going to be hard enough for her to learn English, let alone a different language (that you don't feel comfortable with her learning/hearing)
Maybe she can teach her when she's older, but for now maybe she needs to just learn English and not get confused by hearing two languages at one time..? She is your daughter and MIL can't tell you what MIL wants her to learn!

Lonz it is just not true that hearing two languages causes confusion or any other ill effects in babies. Quite the opposite. Language learning comes naturally to babies and young children so it is not causing them any stress or difficulty. For them it is just normal.

I really don't think it is rude to speak to your child in a language not everyone in the room understands. Whilst I try to translate and make sure everyone is comfortable, I find the need for English as a common language between me and my children trumps any mild discomfort others may feel. You can't always be computing language preferences for everyone else in the room.

In the OPs case, she would be asking her MIL not to speak her mother tongue in her own home. If you can't speak whatever language you like at home, I don't know where you can.

Or are you David Blunkett?

If you can't speak whatever language you like at home, I don't know where you can.

Thank you, alteredimages I was denied this for so many years. You summed it up perfectly.

Does one have the right to ask a non-related paid childminder not to speak a certain language in front of one's child? Assuming the child will be looked after in the childminder's own home?

Just asking for curiosity really. Since I've resolved to learn the language, I'm not too bothered about how it relates to my own case anymore.

It wouldn't really come up in that form though, would it Elle?

You would be interviewing childminders. If the childminder spoke another language then they would explain how that worked (e.g. did they speak English around the mindees, did they speak English to the mindees but French to their own children, etc, etc). You would then decide whether or not those arrangements suited you and whether you wanted to go with that childminder or choose someone else.

But no, if the childminder had a certain set up which worked for them and their other mindees, you couldn't ask them to suddenly change that.

If you employed a nanny you could ask him/her to speak a given language. But the difference is that the nanny would be your employee who you are instructing. And again it would be discussed at interview - if the nanny didn't want to do it she wouldn't take the job. And, of course, full time London childcare from a nanny is waaaaaaaaaaaay more than £1,000 pcm.

Oo. Interesting point! But without the emotional loading that goes with your personal situation so easier to deal with, probably.

I was an au pair in Italy many years ago, to 3 children - but I was also there ostensibly to teach the 9yo girl better English. As it turned out, I spent more time looking after her twin toddler brothers, but as my Italian was only in its infancy, and they obviously couldn't speak any English at all, comms were a little complicated! I had to learn Italian basics very quickly - at no point did I consider teaching them the English, nor was I asked to. I don't know what Mama would have said if I had though...

I'd love to find a cm who would speak to my dc in a different language. ..