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Parenting

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Original poster

Does this make me sound like a knob?

97 replies

ElleDubloo · 10/03/2015 19:06

My first language is English, same as OH. MIL's first language is something else (let's call this X) but she also speaks English. OH's whole family speaks both X and English.

OK, so every time MIL sees DD she chats away in language X. This makes me upset. I'm not afraid of DD learning X at the age of 4 months, but when I go back to work when she's 9 months, MIL will be her full-time carer. I don't want DD learning language X. Frankly, it makes me feel jealous and isolated that DD will be speaking and understanding something that I don't speak and understand.

Not a big deal? Well, add to this the fact that we will all be moving into the in-laws' house when I go back to work, for childcare purposes. It'll be a big happy family-in-law all chatting away in language X, all of the time. This usually happens when we visit, and I cope with it, but it breaks my heart that DD might be chatting with them and I wouldn't be able to understand even my own daughter.

I want to ask MIL to speak to DD only in English, as this would be fairer on everyone as everyone speaks English. And also because I'm her mother for F's sake AIBU?

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Pippidoeswhatshewants · 10/03/2015 22:04

You sound very sad and bitter. Are you sure moving in with MIL is what you want to do? Is there no other choice at all?

youngestisapyscho · 10/03/2015 22:04

What about your OH? I assume he wants his child to speak his language?

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 10/03/2015 22:06

It doesn't really change anything, no. Even if it were market rate it isn't about that when you are talking about family child care. Especially if you live there.

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Original poster

ElleDubloo · 10/03/2015 22:07

FishfingerSarnies: Are you sure that it's not other things upsetting you but you're focusing on the language thing because of your own insecurity?

Probably :( tbh I hate the thought of moving and losing my freedom and I'm absolutely dreading it. But we don't have another choice because we both have crazy work hours, can't afford to go part time and can't afford alternative childcare options. I wish there was another way.

OP posts:

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 10/03/2015 22:09

Oh god. I remember your thread when you were pregnant. Sorry you aren't feeling happy about the set up.

BrockAuLit · 10/03/2015 22:12

I don't understand. Child learns to speak X. Her father speaks X. The childcare you chose for her speaks X. You want all these people to make an effort to stop speaking X, but don't want to make an effort to learn it yourself?

You are absolutely the odd one out here. Hindering yor child from learning a language (doesn't matter which one, it's the fact of understanding a different way of communicating as well as the different things that method teaches you) just because you don't have the time to learn, is ridiculous.

Just take small steps and learn with your DD. keep an open mind and it will be easier than you think.

anothernumberone · 10/03/2015 22:12

I do get what you are saying but I travelled a lot when I was younger and I met many young children who spoke 4 and 5 languages. Some were speaking to me in English while their parents were around and barely had a word of it in some cases. I would insist on English while you are around and I would learn some of the language without getting to laden down with it.

Pipbin · 10/03/2015 22:13

Is there really no other option? Is the £1000 rent and childcare?
I honestly think the problem is the loss of control. You will no longer be the 'in charge' adult in the house. Her teaching your child a second language is another bit of control in your life gone.

BrockAuLit · 10/03/2015 22:13

Also, your child will always speak English with you if you speak it with her. Don't worry about that.

ClockwiseCat · 10/03/2015 22:19

Actually OP this doesn't sound like a great situation at all and you clearly have alarm bells ringing. Be careful about getting into a situation it's very hard to get out of without massive damage.

Original poster

ElleDubloo · 10/03/2015 22:19

Ok. Thanks for the advice guys. I have a lot to think about.

OP posts:

AvaCrowder · 10/03/2015 22:22

Mother tongue is called mother tongue for a reason. Children understand their mothers and mimic them more than anybody else. Also as your child becomes verbal you will understand her more than another speaker of x.
I'm raising bilingual children, they go to school in their second language, which I can get by in, but they prefer speaking my language.
I like it that fluent/native speakers speak to them in their first language well, rather than in poor English.

Hard though moving in with your inlaws and having them as childcare and going back to work and giving them £1000 a month. Do you have a longer term goal to live as a family unit?

Pipbin · 10/03/2015 22:23

How does DH feel about all this?

soontobemumofthree · 10/03/2015 22:28

Although I haven't had experience of this I'd be delighted if DCs could speak another language, even if I couldn't speak it. Sounds a bit like the housing situation may be influencing your feelings about this more than just the language?

Before I was pregnant, planning a baby and whilst pregnant I felt like this baby is all mine! But as soon as DC1 was born i was overwhelmed by the feeling that he is my DP and DILS grandchild and that is huge for them. He is also a nephew to many, a cousin, a neighbour. He will be a classmate, friend, hopefully work colleague and partner to someone. I feel like he is not just mine at all. I know that when it comes to the crunch me and DH are the main people, but I feel I have to facilitate these relationships. Also allow things I might not choose (which aren't harmful) if they are important to DCs other relatives. I appreciate this doesn't seem to be a mumsnet opinion I have come across before.

GingerCuddleMonster · 10/03/2015 22:45

bilingualism is a gift, it's great for the mind.

can you not ask that when everyone is together that they converse in English so you can understand, as you feel a little left out, rather than ban the teaching of X?

I am bilingual, and also can get by in 3 other languages, DS will also be bilingual like me DP speaks English, DP is actually envious of being bilingual and wishes he was as he can see it makes picking up other languages a little easier.

dairyfreequeen · 11/03/2015 05:10

my dh is dutch and we are raising our son to be bilingual (hopefully!) i have tried but dont speak dutch so i totally get the thing about sitting with a group of people, not understanding, feeling invisible. However i still want ds to be able to talk to his grandparents in their mother tongue, and hearing dh talk to him is helping me learn as people do use simpler words to talk to babies! In the long run, do you really want dd to feel as left out as you do by not understanding? (assuming all our in laws dont suddenly become really considerate and start translating everything )

purplemurple1 · 11/03/2015 06:44

Honestly I wouldn't worry too much our child hears English from me. A second language from his Dad and in nursery 40hrs a week (which I can understand some of).

But OH's family speak a local dialect of the second language (a bit like Celctic is to english - I can't speak this at all) and we also live with our MIL, and close to other older family memebers who all only speaks this local dialect.

His early words are a mix of all 3 as you would expect, but mostly they are English. I think it will be great he will spaek all 3, even if the dialect is only useful in our very local area.

PeppermintCrayon · 11/03/2015 08:23

"It's way outside the top 20 most frequently spoken languages of the world."

It'll be more in demand then.

Sorry but you are being quite unreasonable. Why don't you learn X yourself?

zzzzz · 11/03/2015 08:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts · 11/03/2015 08:35

My DS is bilingual and it's great, he translates for us :o

FretYeNotAllIsShiny · 11/03/2015 08:42

Given the global markets, bilingualism is a huge advantage. I'd see it as a pretty positive thing. You say you don't have time to learn X, but what if your daughter teaches you it? Say she learns the X words for fork, spoon and knife, she can tell you what they are, three words a day isn't that much and picking up a language the same way a child does may be easier than trying to learn it all at once. You could work this into a special mother/daughter thing, something to do in the ten minutes whilst you're putting her to bed or whatever. It'll also be a huge esteem boost for your daughter, because she'll be able to show off her language skills and she's teaching mum!

addictedtosugar · 11/03/2015 08:47

Even if you don't set out to learn X, you will pick some up. I am pretty useless at lanugages (and tone deaf - DH's mother tounge is tonal), but have picked up enough to grasp what DH is telling the boys (5 and 3) to do.

We have found it really hard to keep language 2 alive in the UK. TV, radio, most books etc are all in English (even when we go back, the parents over there are desperate for their kids to learn English, so a lot of the preschool material is in English anyway!).

How fluent is your MiL's English? If hers isn't native level, your baby will struggle to pick up the language anyway. Talking to little people in your own mother tounge is best.

Would MiL like some time off? So maybe tues and thurs, you book baby into a nursery, and MiL picks them up - that will increase English exposure, and give MiL some time to herself?

Woodenheart · 11/03/2015 08:49

You HAVE to learn the language, asap!

Don't tell them, buy a course, plug your headphones in every night & learn, learn, learn.

Then just think;

you can secretly know what they are saying.
you can answer them back one day, which will shock them
you can chat with your DD one to one.

AuntieDee · 11/03/2015 08:53

OP - is it that language that native speakers use to deliberately exclude the English?? I've been at the reveiving end of that one and learned the language specifically so I could tell them to sod off...

Tokelau · 11/03/2015 09:04

I agree with others that an extra language can only be a good thing for your DD, but I can see your point. You'll be living in someone else's house, everyone will be fluent in a language that you don't understand, and they'll be full time carers for your DD. I'm not surprised you're worried. Is there any option for you not to live with them? I think that's the real problem.

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