Does this make me sound like a knob?

[ElleDubloo]

My first language is English, same as OH. MIL's first language is something else (let's call this X) but she also speaks English. OH's whole family speaks both X and English.

OK, so every time MIL sees DD she chats away in language X. This makes me upset. I'm not afraid of DD learning X at the age of 4 months, but when I go back to work when she's 9 months, MIL will be her full-time carer. I don't want DD learning language X. Frankly, it makes me feel jealous and isolated that DD will be speaking and understanding something that I don't speak and understand.

Not a big deal? Well, add to this the fact that we will all be moving into the in-laws' house when I go back to work, for childcare purposes. It'll be a big happy family-in-law all chatting away in language X, all of the time. This usually happens when we visit, and I cope with it, but it breaks my heart that DD might be chatting with them and I wouldn't be able to understand even my own daughter.

I want to ask MIL to speak to DD only in English, as this would be fairer on everyone as everyone speaks English. And also because I'm her mother for F's sake AIBU?

Even if it is a rare language, I still think it's useful. They say that being bilingual makes it easier to learn other languages later which has to be a good thing.

Then there is this: www.theguardian.com/education/2014/oct/31/interview-matthew-rhys-speaking-welsh-language I'm sure it's not Welsh because you said not many UK residents speak it, but I think it does show the benefits even of a "minor" language, I find that amazing. And most (if not all?) languages share aspects with other languages, there will always be a "sibling" language which will be easier to learn. For example, from speaking English and German, I can roughly understand Dutch because it has similarities to both.

A lot of the minority languages in Asia are similar to each other so if you can understand one you can make yourself roughly understood in others. A lot of African languages are close to French or Spanish.

It's not about the language. It will be a great advantage to your DD to be bilingual.

The problem is you moving into their home, where they think it's ok to speak in a language you don't understand, and that you fully expect your DD to be subsumed into this. That is NOT ok and it's a big huge fat red flag that tells you that within a year you are going to be one massively unhappy (non) family with your H and your DD.

If the £1k is for rent as well as childcare, then it's more complex, but if it's for childcare, then the first thing I would be saying is that as you're moving in with them, then the 1k childcare goes to nursery or childminder so that there is more balance - that your DD is not completely with MIL and having her whole life primarily in this language. If your MIL or H can't see the problem, then it tells you that the problem is bigger than you thought - and I think at that point I'd simply put my foot down about moving. Full stop. Yes, there does have to be another way.

Can you post more details about the finances, distances, work hours? People here can help.

How supportive is your H? Not much I guess, if he's happy to see you sidelined when you visit.

Even if 1K is for rent and childcare, you can insist that 500 a month goes on external childcare, surely? That might even take you up to near full time depending on where you live? - MIL picks up from nursery etc.

Have you looked into vouchers, and childminders out of hours?

Moving in when you feel like this is NOT a good thing. It could threaten your family full stop. If your H doesn't understand that, he is being very foolish.

If you are in the UK and the child's education will be in English, don't worry, the child will learn English and even prefer it.

I was talking to someone at work where both parents are Italian and the 2/3yo refuses to speak Italian to the parents and just speaks English.

If you speak English to the child she will learn it well enough

I am from a Western European country and have a 3yo and I half regret not speaking more my language to her as we communicate in English 99% of the time. Now I am trying to insert a bit more of my language and also i am due my DC2 in a month and hope to speak more of my language to that one and hope things will spur DD to learn more - we do read fairy tales and books in my language but doen't really stick...

Then again I have been here for over 15 years and English is now my language as well... I don't like my country and plan to get British nationality soon. so i wonder if my dislike of the language passed on...

It would be good for her to know it... it's is one of the major languages worldwide, and I do speak 6 languages myself... but for all i know she could be like her dad who only speaks English...

I think you need to really think about your motivation here. Regardless of your opinion of the language, it is a significant part of your DHs identity, and that of your DD. Do you really value that so little?

You have the opportunity to have a bilingual daughter. You could at least make an effort to learn a little of what will be your DDs second language.

I can entirely understand your reservations over this situation but I do think that it would be a great opportunity for your DD to become bilingual.

What does your OH think of this though? Obviously he will understand whatever your DD is saying, so it's not like your MIL and your DD will have secrets from both of you, and so long as your OH is supportive of you then even if they do chat in a language you don't understand, you can know that nothing bad will be being said (a worry I'd have, to be fair).

If your OH is not so supportive of you, then I'd think about trying to learn some vocabulary in language X, just so you can pick up the gist of what's going on! Even if you don't have the time to learn it fully, get tapes of conversational X and play them while you're going to sleep, or in the car/on the train to work. It would be beneficial longterm if you're going to be sharing a house in which this language is spoken anyway.

Does sound like there's more going on than just this though, and you're focusing on this as being the one thing that you feel you could retain control over while you give up so much in other areas - but I think you're on a losing wicket as you won't be there to police it.

While I do partly understand your reasoning, I do still think you're being unreasonable. You're denying your DD a wonderful skill which will stay with her for life and an opportunity for her to learn more of her heritage.

By paying a relative to do your childcare you are getting the worst of both worlds: you have to pay - but you have no say. You can't let other people decide how your daughter is going to be raised. This is your life, this is your daughter, this is your time. Move out, find alternative arrangements for childcare. Even if it is not as comfortable as your current set up, it will be your life. Tell your husband he has to choose: go with you or stay with his Mummy.

Learn language x with your daughter. Your daughter will primarily be an english speaker and it won't affect her adversely at all to be able to speak some language x with her extended family.

She'll have a much better grasp of how language works for when she's older and learning a 3rd one - eg that there are many words that mean the same thing in different contexts.

This really isn't about the language (which I think you will have to let go, if you do proceed with this setup)

I think this whole arrangement is bound to be a nightmare and you should do whatever you can to figure out another plan. I would personally rather cram into a studio flat and pay outside childcare (have you looked into all the tax credits and such you would get?), perhaps have MIL do it a couple days a week to make it cheaper.

I could see moving in with them for childcare if it would save you loads of money but 1000/month is still a lot.

If you can't get out of it though -- yes, I think it would be very rude to tell MIL to only speak to her in English. But I think you should have your DH talk to his family and explain as you are there full-time, they should make an effort to speak more in English for your benefit. He should also make this easier by speaking English himself.

It will benefit your DD massively to have the language, the fact it is less common is actually good. In my field people with rarer languages get paid a lot.

YABU. Now is a good time to learn your DH's language, so you can learn along with your child.

Just as a comparison - I speak language A to my DS, so do my parents. DH speaks to him in language B. DH and I communicate in language C. PILs talk to DS in language D.

DH does not understand language A, I don't understand languages B or D. Has never been a problem.

But then again, I'm also not planning to move in with them. As others have said, are you sure there are absolutely no other options? You sound miserable already, it is unlikely to get better once you move in with them.

Gosh, Hazle, that's complex! Does your DS know language C as well?

Wow Hazle!

That is more complicated that my friend where she speaks A, DH speaks B and sone goes to school in language C

Can you reconsider the moving in/childcare thing? it sounds like that is the issue really.

What everyone else said - it all sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen. Being exposed to two languages isn't really an issue but the rest of it sounds awful tbh. I am picturing you isolated in deepest rural Wales surrounded by inlaws, claustrophobic and lonely.

DS is still small and only says a few words, so we will see. I do expect that he will mostly be speaking in language B, which is the language of the country we live in, but that he also speaks language A, and at least understands C and D.
We live in a border region (many bilingual schools) in a country with a lot of expats, and I know a lot of international families, where children happily switch between several languages. So hopefully it's doable for us as well.

Sorry for offtopic, OP. But hopefully helps to show that it's not the language that's the issue here.

I'd say the childcare set up was the issue, not the language.

You need to rethink going part time and paying for childcare (nursery setting) with tax credits.

Yes, you'll be poorer (probably), but maybe not.

I worked out if I worked full time, and sent DC's to full time nursery, I would be £200 down in money (ie cost of nursery is £200 more than I earn)

I now work part time. Earn a fraction, but wtc's contribute to nursery costs, so we actually break even.

So we're better off (still living on one wage though) Bonkers yes, But there you go. (although my career is wrecked)

Re. the language, yes yes to learn it in secret! My mum is Welsh. I always remember the day (with fondness!!) when we were in Wales and some really rude welsh speaking women were in this shop. I was only a young child at the time, obviously speaking English. When my mum speaks English, she sounds very English! The next thing, they've started saying how they hate the bloody English and how awful young English children are.

You can imagine how much fun mum had blasting them Can still see their shocked faces now ha.

If it is welsh, there are many jobs where bilingualism is either a requirement or preferable if she does end up staying in wales.

I remember the OP's previous thread on this issue. I am fairly sure it wasn't Welsh Chris

I was not allowed to teach nor speak my own language with my children for this reason. My exP would not allow it, because he did not speak my language and he also considered it useless. He also sat in the corner sulking when people spoke my language around him.

My children are now hugely upset that they do not speak my language and don't understand how I could let this happen. They are now catching up.

It is part of their cultural heritage, no matter whether it is useful or not. If you are the only one not speaking the language, you can simply learn it. I am sure it's not rocket science. You may even enjoy it and in particular, if you are going to live with your in-laws, this effort may well be worth your while and improve your relationship with your in-laws. Your children won't thank you for not letting them have this opportunity.

This:
^I don't understand. Child learns to speak X. Her father speaks X. The childcare you chose for her speaks X. You want all these people to make an effort to stop speaking X, but don't want to make an effort to learn it yourself?

You are absolutely the odd one out here. Hindering yor child from learning a language (doesn't matter which one, it's the fact of understanding a different way of communicating as well as the different things that method teaches you) just because you don't have the time to learn, is ridiculous.

Just take small steps and learn with your DD. keep an open mind and it will be easier than you think^

I think you will be doing your dd a HUGE dis-service if you try to prevent her learning another language, from birth, when she will pick it up so easily. She could be hugely resentful of you later in life.

I think this is much more than the decision about the language though - this is about the whole move into your in-laws home. That, I wouldn't do.

It sounds like you need to rethink moving in with PIL OP and possibly childcare arrangements too. If you feel uncomfortable when people speak a language you can't understand around you it would be really hard to feel at home. Obviously telling MIL what languages she can and can't speak in her own house would make you look a massive knob, as would telling her what language to speak to DC in.

The only way it will come across to her is that you think her language and culture are inferior to yours. I don't mean you do think that, but she will see it like that. Even if you speak perfect English it doesn't make you stop needing your native tongue.

DH one time suggested I shouldn't speak English to my DD at home (we were living with PILs at the time) and remembering that conversation still pisses me off.

I can't really see how being exposed to another language would be harmful to your child but also don't see why you should learn the other language if you don't want to. It takes time and effort, both of which tend to be in short supply when you are working full time with a baby.

Agreed that the language isn't the issue here.

I don't understand why you wouldn't want your child to learn language x. I can't see that there would be any disadvantage to it at all.

However if the living and childcare arrangements are an issue, that's what you have to focus on.

To those who say it'll benefit DD to be bilingual - Thanks for your replies and I'm glad I posted this question, because now I can see that I was just being selfish about the language issue - that my concerns are not really about the language, and DD will benefit from being bilingual and I shouldn't deprive her of this.

Not to mention it'll be impossible to do anyway...

I've downloaded a podcast and made some initial progress today with learning it. I'm prepared to give it a shot.

FretYeNotAllIsShiny - Actually I love that idea It's wonderful.

To those who say they're concerned about our childcare arrangements and moving in with PILs - Absolutely dreading the move, but there's no other option. It's hopefully only for 2 years, after which we'll have our own house, DD can go to nursery and my own parents will retire and move closer (and won't charge us for childcare).

Extra unhappy because I suspect MIL is teaching DD to call her "mother" in language X. I overheard her and thought it sounded like "mother" but she insisted it meant "grandmother". The podcast I downloaded today says otherwise :(

Re my OH's opinion - OH wants DD to learn language X, but he supports me too. He's annoyed that his family keeps speaking language X in front of me. He'll often reply to them in English, but they go straight back to speaking X. They are EXCELLENT at English. He also dreads moving back home but says it'll be worth it so we can afford our house...

Honestly Elle. 2 years is your daughter's whole toddlerhood. That's a really long time to feel unhappy with your living arrangements.

Maybe you are just having a down day and it'll be fine (I hope so). But it's never worth being miserable for two whole years just to afford a nice house. Especially if it causes a breakdown in relationships with chunks of family